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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be disgusted that soon to be ex is going to Aus and leaving his DDs

67 replies

looneymum · 27/04/2009 20:54

Hi Guys. Just cannot square this in my head. He left end 07 and we are in the throws of messy court divorce. His partner is from Aus but she has two little boys. She intends to go and he "after much though" has decided to go too! He has made no real provision for us..... any thoughts? xx

OP posts:
Tryharder · 28/04/2009 19:13

I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your case but it doesn't necessarily have to be all negative. I think it's a typical mn reaction to dismiss the man as a bastard or selfish twat.

In the end, he is in a bad situation. If he stays in the UK, he loses his girlfriend with whom he may well be in love. If he goes to Australia, he loses his DCs. Talk about devil and the deep blue sea

(I am assuming here that he has been a good father to your DDS up until now)

But surely, you and he have discussed contact and visiting rights or does he just intend never to see his DDs again? (If that is the case, then he is a bastard) I dont know how old your DDs are, but surely when they are in their teens, there would be nothing to stop them spending holidays with their father in Australia and until that time, he could visit the UK a couple of times a year to maintain contact with them.

Don't all jump on me - I am just trying to see some good in the situation

Chellesgirl · 28/04/2009 19:21

Bloods thicker than water - anyday!

Chellesgirl · 28/04/2009 19:23

His g/f is a bitch for letting him carry on with it. If she was a decent mom then shed say forget it and shes going alone with her dc's. I know I would but then again her ex may have done exactly the same thing to her as shes doing to you.

Original poster
looneymum · 28/04/2009 19:23

Hi Tryharder. A very generous attitude. I would of course agree if he had been reasonable. He left.... running out of the house with his bin bags.. leaving me (and his wailing mother) and bemused children. He left me to explain to the DDs (then 3 and 5) that he had gone. He has never paid "true" maintenance. He sacked me from our own company cancelled paying all DDs just before xmas. He pays £2.50 per child per week. He is a high earner and declares minimum wage to the CSA. We only communicate re arrangements for children. He constantly cancels at the last minute and changes arrangements. He could not cope will the children at xmas and said he would bring them home cause they were naughty! Sorry.... I wish I could be more generous! x

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TheCrackFox · 28/04/2009 19:25

I would never choose someone over my DCs. Most parents wouldn't.

Looneymum, your ex sounds like a twat and you are better off withour him.

Chellesgirl · 28/04/2009 19:26

well lets just see how his g/f children react when he takes the place of 'daddy' for them? children dont tend to take to change quite easily, maybe theyll make his life hell, like home alone!

Nancy66 · 28/04/2009 19:26

What a waste of space.

Like Tryharder I was also trying to see things from his perspective but that's unforgiveable.

I have a very close friend whose partner has lied about his income in order to not support his children. What kind of man does that? A pretty low one.

Your children deserve better. No doubt he'll be expecting you to fund their air fares so they can fly to Australia to see their dad.

Mulanmum1 · 28/04/2009 19:27

No-one can be a parent to two young children living 12,000 miles away (or however far away Oz is). They need to see their daddy ALL the time, not for a holiday when they are teenagers

Chellesgirl · 28/04/2009 19:31

Theu most likely wont want to go see him anyway when thier older. What teenager want sot give up Xbox and chillin with mates to go spend two weeks with people they hardle know?

Original poster
looneymum · 28/04/2009 19:31

Sorry.. that should have said cancelled paying all utility direct debits (rather than DDs... !)

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Original poster
looneymum · 28/04/2009 19:35

and another thing... we are about to go for a second court hearing.... costing a bloody fortune... all the while he must have been planning to go to Aus but chose to go ahead with the farce of a court case... please please let it all go in our favour! Thanks for all your support. It's been a grim day and you really make a difference. xx

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Original poster
looneymum · 30/04/2009 11:11

Hi All. Feeling very grim today. Was informed by my solicitor yesterday that soon to be ex wants to take the children out of school. Bizarre thing is it was him that wanted them privately educated in the first place. It is so wrong. He wants them out of school at the end of this term and has said he cannot afford fees. I am at my wits end. x

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w0tzUp · 30/04/2009 11:21

You need to get hold of the LEA, fast to make sure they have space in the local school. Don't say to the LEA maybe this will happen, you'll get nowhere, be positive there are some great State Schools too you know. Any of your friends children or your dds friends go to any? Sorry, no other advice. You will need to just plough ahead.

Chellesgirl · 30/04/2009 11:26

Tell him to Fuck off! He cant just decide that because he wants what he wants. Hes not even thinking about the boys, just himself!

Go to the CSA again and tell them hes earning more than he says he is, and hes planning on leaving the country. Did they not check his bank staements anyways when they sorted csa payments?

Longtalljosie · 30/04/2009 11:42

He is a high earner and declares minimum wage to the CSA?

Report him to the police for fraud then. He won't be going to Aus with a criminal record.

w0tzUp · 30/04/2009 11:48

If he had decided to go, apart from the fiance side (which I have no clue about), I would be waving him off and looking to get on with my life and find happiness elsewhere. Why force anyone to stay anywhere, there will be resentment in the long term, very destructive and your children will be better off eventually. He sounds like he already messes up arrangements to share any time with them.

Original poster
looneymum · 30/04/2009 13:27

Hello everyone. Thx again. Particularly like the "tell him to fuck off" response Chellesgirl! My sentiments exactly ... he also baldy with a small dick... surely that should also get a mention! Right, moving swiftly on!... The CSA are presently looking at a variance as he obviously declares a heafty dividend to top up his minimum wage. Who knows how long this will take to come through. Was in tears at school today... what a blubbering mess... also have massive headache... feeling v sorry for myself.xx

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Chellesgirl · 30/04/2009 18:44

'baldy with a small dick' sounds like my dad haha TMI yes I know! I saw my dads uh hum... when I was v.little! Scared me for life, think thats why Im with a black man!

Do you have any girlfriends that you could gather together and have a really feckin good weekend? I think you need to have some time for yourself, i know it helped my mum and she spiralled into depression because of her divorce (and shes the one who started it in the first place!)

Original poster
looneymum · 30/04/2009 19:29

LOL Chellesgirl. Yes, a damaging childhood experience if you ask me. Still sounds like you have chosen well (endowed!) Have got good supportive set of girlie chums who are all aghast at continuing fuckwittery. Good news is I too have secured a lovely bloke with morals which is refreshing... he also thinks the kids are great so have had faith in human nature slightly restored. xx

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Chellesgirl · 30/04/2009 19:32

Wow, good for you! Keep him in check this time! lol. I seriously would make sure your ex, gets given what he deserves!

ill tell you a little story...

my uncle divorced his (lesbian now) wife. they had a kid. The csa found out how much he was really earning and slapped him for what he really needed to pay up - half his wages! He has since (over 10yrs ago) been sleeping on his mums living room floor!

Oh well...

Chellesgirl · 30/04/2009 19:33

send him a beautiful picture of your new mans manhood! Im sure that will give him something to think about?

mrsallright · 30/04/2009 19:35

its not just genetics that makes someone a dad, you may find someone else that can do a much better job, not that you want that now of course. Its really his loss, and he sounds like a control freak... if it's not my way, it's the highway type of thing.. maybe his new girlfriend will realise when they get to Oz, and then send him home again!

Original poster
looneymum · 30/04/2009 19:36

Good tale CG. I just hope he gets a right good slap from the judge... am not hopeful tho... perhaps I could ask for a very small and unsatisfactory penis to be taken into account as well as being a complete knob of a dad... do you think that would be admissable Your Honour?!

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Original poster
looneymum · 30/04/2009 19:39

Hi Mrs A. I think him and his new bird are made for each other she is presently going thru the courts to get her two kids out of the country... perhaps her ex is also fighting her to keep his kids here. It just takes all sorts. I know I am getting the best deal... my two little girls are just fantastic and I will get them all to myself. Never having to pack a sodding case on a Friday and have them come back unwashed and knackered from Daddy's on Sunday! xx

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Chellesgirl · 30/04/2009 19:44

haha.

Dont say that Mrsallright - she dont want him back in UK! she needs rid. Oz sounds good - half way round the world.

Have you compiled evidence that hes a shit father? such as:

-He doesnt want anything to do with his own children, but hes happy to father some other dimwits.
-Hes a liar - Lying to CSA.
-He wants to take children out of excellent education
-Hed rather spend his money on himself/other woman than clothe and feed his own children.

What is actually going to be said in court by him do you reckon? He left you, right?
Hes chosen to ship himself off to Oz. Hes chosen not to pay for his kids.

How long were you married for? Surely your entitled to some of his assetts?