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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

tattoos, drinking, swearing...

49 replies

Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 20:35

AIBU to feel scared to death that my DD 4 year old might have to meet Ex Husbands new girlfriend at some point?

Reason I'm terrified? She drinks all the time, has photos all over social network sites of her smashed / snogging various female friends / getting her chest out / saying she really must stop drinking. Has 4 tattoos, puts status on networking sites of 'I'm so f%%%ked off' (but with the proper word obviously) and 'Kellys a fu^^ing bit%H' etc

AIBU to really not want her anywhere near my DD???

OP posts:
Meglet · 27/04/2009 20:41

She sounds delightful .

I wouldn't want my dc's spending much time with someone like that. Is she a nice person (despite the partying) or is she a bit of a cow?

With a bit of luck your ex H will get sick of her soon. I'd delay any meeting for as long as is reasonably possible.

KingCanuteIAm · 27/04/2009 20:42

Not unreasonable to not want it no, do you have any control over it? Well, that is a different question TBH.

shavenhaven · 27/04/2009 20:44

why do you need to point out that she has tattoos??

fair enough the drinking and swearing makes her a bit of a knob but people with tattoos can also be nice (even if they have 4 of them!)

Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 20:48

Knew I shouldnt have mentioned the tattoo bit :D

I did mention it though because she has her own child and has had the tats since her child was borm but apparently is very 'poor' which mskes me go because she can afford the tats. I have no particulat preference or not for tattoos.

No that was a lie, sorry, I think they're really common [hangs head in shame]

OP posts:
ilovethesun · 27/04/2009 20:48

Well, she's not a parent. But you and your ex H are. Try to come to some mutual arrangement that doesn't offend or alienate if possible. Perhaps "family" time, with him and the kids away from his girlfriend. Can you suggest trips to places that are in family friendly places? My guess would be that it depends on the access that your ex DH has. Assuming that she's not off on the pop when looking after your kids, and that they don't have access to her social networking sites, it might be possible that she could have two personas. Step mum and herself. That's not very helpful I know, but it could be that you have lots of sides to her story at your disposal i.e. facebook etc, but the children never see that.

Confuzzeled · 27/04/2009 20:50

[Flashes tattoos, sticks tongue out and runs away]

ilovethesun · 27/04/2009 20:53

Sorry didn't post quickly enough she is a parent...tattoos don't make her a bad parent, but I know where you're coming from. It's not ideal, exH girlfriend and all that. But sadly you don't have a say in who he sees, but perhaps there is a reason why they haven't met her yet? Maybe it's not serious.

Savemefromtheyouth, I am judgey about tattoos and swearing too...it's hard not to be sometimes. But she might be a good mum herself and if you and exDH did/do have similar views on parently, then it's possible that she might too.

Tortington · 27/04/2009 20:54

i thought it was a thread specially for me

BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 20:55

Is she quite young? ie twenties? if so she sounds pretty normal.

Have you actually met her or just going on the facebook? People can put representations of themselves on there that aren't wholly true - they are exaggerations of one aspect. Even if she does like drinking and going out and is sweary on facebook it doesn't necessarily mean she will be like that in the daytime when with your ex and DD.

I have a tatoo BTW and definitely like a drink but am a lovely lovely person

random · 27/04/2009 20:57

Well I swear and drink and I'm a great mum

Vaguely · 27/04/2009 20:58

how come you read her updates so often? you seem to have checked out her fb pages quite thoroughly.
is your issue with your dd knowing this woman really about her, or you, hmmm?

Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:00

[Waves at Confuzzeled]

True - she could have 2 personas (although personally I think they are horrible and more horrible, sorry). I think I'm panicking because in the 3 years we've been split he hasnt had a partner and now he suddenly has I'm having to realise that I have no say in who he introduces to my DD who honestly is the light of my life (I'm sure everyones DC is to them).

Reason she hasn't met DD yet is because I keep saying no. They've only been together about 2 or 3 months but he wants her to meet DD. I've said no.

His new GF thinks I want him back and thats why I wont let her meet DD. Actually Ive been with DP for ages and we're getting married so, nope. I will keep holding out. This feeling though that I can't keep her safe is really making me feel stressed and sick though. Wonder how other split families cope with new partners?

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 27/04/2009 21:01

I have tattoos 5 to be exact, piercings, 9 earrings, drink when i go out or have a party like saturday, swear, laugh loudly, smoke....but i am a blooming good parent.

Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:02

[Takes the plunge and opens her heart and arms to those who are tattooed]

OP posts:
mankymummy · 27/04/2009 21:03

well... outward appearances and all that? if he took up with a middle aged motherly frump who apparently doted on your DD... would that make you feel any better? in private she could be very messed up and spiteful despite how she appears to everyone else.

can you trust your ex as a good judge of character?

do you actually know this woman?

Vaguely · 27/04/2009 21:05

you get to decide who he introduces her to when shes with him? really?
isnt he the parent when dd is with him? doesnt HE decide whats good for her then?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 21:05

Well he has had to get used to DD having your DP around all the time, so he's already done what you're having to do now.

Do you have any reason to think he would happily expose your DD to someone drunk, sweary or, erm, displaying tatoos in a provocative manner? Do you trust his judgement?

Vaguely · 27/04/2009 21:07

i am tattood too, for the sake of openness! ive even been facially pierced in the past... am still a responsible and loving parent.

Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:09

True re outward appearances, shouldnt judge a book by its cover etc. However I just think its strange to keep swearing on a public forum. Wouldn't like it if it was one of the careers at her nursery or a childminder etc.

Yes I have checked her pages thoroughly, maybe I'm weird but I wanted to know who my DD might be spending time with.

Before DD met DP, I asked ExH repeatedly if he wanted to meet DP first to get to know him. He didnt want to.

Unfortunately the problem probably is that NO I don't trust his judgement, hes a bit of an arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:11

I too have had quite a few piercings, however it wasnt really the tattoos (although as I said personally I dont like them) it was that she has said she doesnt have much money yet spends what she does have on on tattoos rather than her child.

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 27/04/2009 21:13

i swear and am pierced and tattooed and would bloody love a drink if i was ever not preg or bf-ing but i'm the best mother i know.

all the none tattooed mothers around here can't be bothered with carseats, are too busy gossiping over coffee to dicipline their kids and let their kids live on sweets, crisps and fizzy drinks..... but because i'm tattooed i'm morally inferior

have you bought clothes and makeup since your kids were born? a tattoo is exactly the same thing....

BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 21:15

ROFL @ "I just think its strange to keep swearing on a public forum" coming from someone on MN

ilovethesun · 27/04/2009 21:17

Perhaps tattoos (and potential piercings aside) that if your ex-H is keen for your DD to meet his GF, then after 3 years apart from him, you have to let go and let dd meet the new GF. She can make the decision herself. If she's unhappy she'll tell you. I have no experience here to anyone is welcome to beat up about this, but 2 unhappy parents together has got to be a lot worse than 2 parents, happy with other people.

Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:18

I have bought clothes and make up since DD was born however I am lucky enough that I earn enough to pay for DD and myself. If I was not I'd buy DD things and not for me. That was my point really, she says she has no money but spends what she has on her not her DD.

[Surrenders re the tattoo thing]

I'm stereotyping re the tattoos I'm sure. However, I wouldn't choose someone to look after my child who swears and drinks all the time. Would anyone?

OP posts:
BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 21:19

I swear and drink in certain company, including my DH's once DD is in bed.

How people act with their friends etc when children are not around isn't necessarily a good guage of how they are in normal day to day life with children around...