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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

tattoos, drinking, swearing...

49 replies

Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 20:35

AIBU to feel scared to death that my DD 4 year old might have to meet Ex Husbands new girlfriend at some point?

Reason I'm terrified? She drinks all the time, has photos all over social network sites of her smashed / snogging various female friends / getting her chest out / saying she really must stop drinking. Has 4 tattoos, puts status on networking sites of 'I'm so f%%%ked off' (but with the proper word obviously) and 'Kellys a fu^^ing bit%H' etc

AIBU to really not want her anywhere near my DD???

OP posts:
Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:20

BigBella I'm not swearing though and never have on MN or any other forum

(get me I'm all like sophisticated)

OP posts:
Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:22

Thank you for the honest opinions. I take it on board that just because she doesn't look perhaps how I'd want her to, if she did it would be no guarantee that she was a 'nice person'

Lots to think about.

But shes still not seeing my DD. Stamps foot

OP posts:
BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 21:23

True, but MN is very sweary so you are likely to expose yourself to language every time you come on here, you still come here so that must mean you enjoy the content even with the swearing that so often comes with it.

The facebook thing - it's really often not a reflection at all of how people are in real life. My DHs friends facebooks make them look like a bunch of twats and in real life only some of them are twats

It's an odd medium and not one that gives a true picture IYSWIM.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 21:24

Of course she might really be bloody awful, but I'm not sure how you can find out...

booyhoo · 27/04/2009 21:24

savemefromtheyouth you remind me of myself. i can completely see where you are coming from, but i can also see that your ex should be able to make this decsion himself. he is a parent as much as you are and should have as much interest in his child's upbringing as you do. although saying that, i know how scary it is when you just know someone isnt good for your child to be around and you can do nothing about it. the best thing i can suggest is to let the meeting take place, and continue to bring your child up in the way you feel appropriate. if you find that ex's gf is having a negative influence, then you discuss it with ex as and when it happens. im in this situation at the minute with OH's parents and its going to carry on till ds is old enough to make his own choices but i raise him as best i can and when an issue arises, as they do occasionly, i address it with my concerns and make it clear what behaviour i wont tolerate in front of my son. your ex will most likely back you up when it comes to childs wellbeing. dont become personal, keep to the facts and what is acceptable. (and dont judge by tattoos)

chegirl · 27/04/2009 21:25

Its ok for you not to like her. Its understandable for you to worry about some strange 'party girl' meeting your kids.

But its not a good idea to judge someone based on their FB page or their tattoos or their docker's gob.

If you use these reasons for not liking, trusting her you will come across as a snob and a prude and you will lose credibility. This would be a shame as you have every right to worry about who your child meets.

I swear like a fishwife on MNs because its a release, I come across like a embittered sad arse on FB because I only change my status when I am upset, I dont have any tattoos but am planning one in memory of my DD.

None of these things make me a bad mum or unfit to work with kids (which I do).

I can honestly understand your anxiety but not really your reasons.

I do hope you sort this all out because it must be painful for you.

stickylittlefingers · 27/04/2009 21:25

I think I would hesitate before using her as a babysitter! How much control over timing do you have - i.e. I would more happily let them go out for lunch and for the afternoon than an overnight stay. Having said that, as Dad he does have a say in (and responsibility for of course) his daughter's upbringing. I do feel very sorry for you having to make that hard decision, tho - I have a beautiful 4 year old dd too!

ilovethesun · 27/04/2009 21:27

The tattoos thing is a stereotype, but one that lots of people live up to. I know-ish mothers at school who care so much for their children that they have some really beautiful tattoos with their children's names on and flowers or vine things, but you would never see these mums falling out of the local pub at 2 in the morning, they probably rarely go out or drink. Other mums like me, would never do the tattoo thing, but think nothing of getting regularly pished and photographing themselves and posting those pics on facebook. Doesn't make them better IMVHO.

If you have an instinct about this person, and have met her enough times to be reassured in your feeling, then fine, stop DD from seeing her. If not go with her and ex-H. But don't quiz dd either, just see how it goes.

ilovethesun · 27/04/2009 21:29

OMG just re read my post, I don't regularly get pished and photograph myself falling out of pubs with other blokes (other than DH)!! I do get pished however!!!!

Original poster
Savemefromtheyouth · 27/04/2009 21:29

Thank you for your understanding, it is very bloody hard (see that - I put my toe in the swearing water!!). Especially as I'm a total control freak and very very protective over DD.

To be honest if he was reliable I wouldnt worry so much about the GF but as hes a 'bit rubbish' then I'm afraid I do.

She may well be very nice but as they live over 150 miles away it would have to be an overnight stay and I'm not happy with that.

Think I'll try to see if they're still together in another 3 months and reevaluate...

OP posts:
Noonki · 27/04/2009 21:31

saveme - I am a stepmum and often wonder how my DSS's mum managed to accept me quite so easily. Because it must be very difficult to let anyone else parent your child.

The tattoos etc are superficial stuff.

I became as stepmum nearly ten years that if someone looked at my fb (had it exisited) they could come out with some choice worries about me. But around DSS I was different. Just as I am around work collegues, my Gran etc

fb is a bit rubbish because people are always trying to show themselves as having such a laugh etc even thought they might be really boring.

ilovethesun · 27/04/2009 21:32

That is probably the best plan! You have the instinct right there, but got wrapped up in the detail.

Hope it works out x

Vaguely · 27/04/2009 21:32

i swear lots online and in rl, when only speaking to adults. nobody ever died from bad language. i wouldnt swear at my or anyone elses children.

i think yabu to stamp your foot about who your dd meets. you are her mother; you are who she will take ultimate guidance from on what is acceptable behaviour. you ought to trust her to listen to your opinion above that of others, and trust yourself to be able to balance her experiences outside of your immediate vicinity.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 27/04/2009 21:32

Sounds like a plan there saveme - it does seem quite quick for DD to meet her at the moment.

stickylittlefingers · 27/04/2009 21:40

at least if she's still there in 3 months you know she has one good point - perseverance! See if you can meet her yourself one to one if the time comes before taking any decisions. She might just be a bit immature re the FB stuff, rather than deeply vicious!

Noonki · 27/04/2009 21:46

Oh I forgot to say the most important part.

OVer the years of being a step parent there are a few things that I would want to know if I were in your position;

  1. your ex's new girlfriend will have a huge impact on his behaviour. Get her on side and everyone's life (OK your and more importantly your DDs) will be easier.

The amount of times I have talked DH into apologising/changing plans etc is uncountable.

  1. If she knows you don't like her the main person to suffer will be your dd. Your ex will still see her. So either your DD will see less of her Dad, or more her Dad will be more unhappy or your relationship with your ex will be worse (DD suffers)
  1. All that matters is how she treats your DD. Not what she does when your DD isn't around. Keep things civil and you will be able to influence this more. By making joint decisions with all three of you will mean that any parenting desicions are more likely to happen.
  1. If his girlfriend is resentful towards you because she thinks you dont like her. She will also feel resentful towards your DD.
  1. If your DD likes her Dad's girlfriend she will be much happier when she see's her Dad. Your ex's girlfirend will never ever take your plave in your DDs heart but your DD may gain another adult that loves her and respects her.

If your DD susses out you don't like the new ggirlfriend she will be less likely to like her.

All of the adults in my DSS life have struggled to get along at times but I have never forgotten how his Mum treated me with respect and let her son like me when we first got together. For that I have always strived to help her out even when she really hasn't deserved it.

It could be years that you are thrown together!

Sorry about the essay never really thought about it all in great detail before

fulltimeworkingmum · 27/04/2009 21:52

Sounds like a really classy bird - I'm not surprised you don't want her near your child. The individual attributes are fairly inocuous - lots of women have tattoos and I, for one, drink far too much and am prone to profanity when provoked but all together and constantly, they aren't a good example for a child. I'd be far more worried about her drunkeness and sexual incontinence than tattoos or piercings(of which I have have neither, except ears, mainly due to cowardice)

NeedCoffee · 27/04/2009 22:00

not really sure whether yabu..can you get to meet her and get to know her first?

I think noonkis' advice is spot on

HolyGuacamole · 27/04/2009 22:09

Fantastic post noonki!

PheasantPluckersSon · 27/04/2009 22:13

I am nasty.
I have 4 tattoos, piercings, I like a drink, I am loud
BUT
I don't smoke/kiss girls/flash norkage.

Vaguely · 27/04/2009 22:15

[applauds noonki]

Noonki · 27/04/2009 22:20

why thank you both

Vaguely · 27/04/2009 22:28

youre welcome. tis rare to see someone talk such sense for some reason!

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa · 27/04/2009 22:28

'docker's gob'

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