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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Untitled

26 replies

WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 14:54

I am getting married shortly. In my group, it is usual for people getting married or going on maternity leave to receive a card and some kind of gift (everyone puts some money into a collection).

Since I announced that I was engaged, I have been treated like absolute shit by some of the top bosses. My assumption is that they think I'll immediately TTC and so they want rid of me now. On the back of this, I decided that I didn't want a card/gift from the team. I felt that I really did NOT want to receive their so-called "good wishes for the future", as it would be completely phony.

I've heard that the "office girl" (who always organises these things) has gone and organised a card and collection anyway. I am absolutely furious. Would it be unreasonable to tell my colleague that she has to get rid of the card and return any cash? Or would that just look ridiculous? I am just so so cross about this that I can't decide what the reasonable, mature thing to do is! Advice please!

OP posts:
Morloth · 27/04/2009 14:55

Are you a troll? Someone wants to give you money and you are cross about it?

twoisplenty · 27/04/2009 14:56

Phony? If they didn't want to give money/gift and good wishes in a card, they wouldn't. I think a big smile and a gracious smile from you would suffice, and then let your frustration go. It is misplaced.

SATsAreRubbish · 27/04/2009 14:57

Be a grown up and accept the kind gift from your colleagues. I'm sure not everyone has been treating like shit, and that some do genuinely want to congratulate you.

AustinPowers · 27/04/2009 14:58

If you are serious then give the money to charity

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 14:58

Actually, Morloth I'm not a troll. Just someone who feels that, if you treat someone like crap for 99% of the time, giving them a card and a gift doesn't make it all ok (and is actually deeply hypocritical).

OP posts:
Original poster
WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 14:59

Sorry, cross-posted with the rest of you.

OP posts:
twoisplenty · 27/04/2009 15:00

In the great scheme of things, this is not a big deal is it? Just say thank you, and get on. In 7 month's time (or whatever it is) you can think about some real issues!!

apostrophe · 27/04/2009 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DesperateHousewifeToo · 27/04/2009 15:01

I agree, yabu.

If your bosses are treating you badly, that is a separate issue from the gift, and should be dealt with formally. Keep notes on what they say, etc.

Everyone clubbing together to buy a gift for your wedding is a kind and thoughtful thing to do, especially as most people are struggling financially.

Accept it in the way it is meant. It would be rude and churlish to throw it back in their faces.

rubyslippers · 27/04/2009 15:03

If you are being treated like shit, then speak to HR

the office girl sounds very sweet - and if a gift is offered, then you accept it graciously

you would look so mean and ungrateful if you did anything else

Aida123 · 27/04/2009 15:06

I agree with the last post. If you're being treated badly by the bosses record everything that happens. I went through a crap time at work but made notes of everything that was said so if I need it in the future it's all there. With regards to the pressie, I'd take it thanks very much!

purepurple · 27/04/2009 15:12

ffs I expect you would still be complaining if nobody gave you a card and wished you well.
Putting money into a collection is optional, isn't it?
Maybe you have just imagined that your bosses are treating you unfairly.
After all, the world doesn't resolve around you, does it?

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 15:13

Thanks for all your replies. You're right - it's not everyone in the team who's being so awful. There are three or four who are very very nice. I should just focus on those and forget about the rest.

The ones at the top are genuinely horrid, though. Some of them won't even speak to me if I say hello, suddenly I'm getting the crap work to do and I'm getting crap feedback on top of it. That's a separate issue to the card. Obviously, I don't want to go to HR about this as it would be v hard to prove. And right now there are tons of unemployed people who would do my job, and my bosses know that. I would struggle to get another job in my line of work right now and I can't afford to not work.

To explain, the reason I felt that the card/gift was phony was that this has all been going on on the sly. None of them would actually do something as openly hostile as not signing a card/putting into a collection. That's what was pissing me off - that they can be so very nice on the surface yet you know that scratch that and there's real unpleasantness underneath. I realise this didn't really some across in the OP - sorry!

I'm not normally a moody cow, promise! Think I just needed to vent about all this...

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 27/04/2009 15:14

Your bosses are horrible because you're engaged? Am
I the only one who thinks that sounds really, really odd?

PuppyMonkey · 27/04/2009 15:17

You know it never ceases to amaze me how many posts an untitled thread gets. Far more than most threads I start...

I say accept the gift ever so graciously and make a lovely tongue-in-cheek speech about how great the other members of staff are etc and make them all feel like shit. S'pose it depends on what they get you though...

VinegarTitsThePorker · 27/04/2009 15:17

You sound like your spitting your dummy out, so your engagement didnt get the reaction you wanted from the bosses, my guess is they couldn't give a shit about you getting married they are to busy running the company.

But seriously, if they are treating you differently all of a sudden then bring it up with HR, dont take it out on those generous colleagues who genuinely want to wish you well, very childish to throw the collection back in their faces.

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 15:17

Mrs Mattie, I think they're assuming that I'll go off and have kids. They've lost a few people that way recently. They also don't like part time worker so I think they want me to go before I'm in a position to ask for that (especially given that people's rights to work part time seem to be improving a lot recently). I know it sounds odd, but it has been quite noticeable - I'm not just being paranoid.

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2009 15:23

YABU. What is an "office girl" anyway? Does her job description include being psychic?

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 15:30

Accio it's just what she's called. She does general errands. She doesn't have to be psychic either (although it's be handy) - I had asked her not to do a card/collection, but didn't go into detail why. Maybe she just assumed it was because I'd be self-conscious.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 27/04/2009 15:34

No, no I wasn't suggesting you were!@Wild. Seems like a horrible place to work . I would take the card and money and smile sweetly, though.

Sparkletastic · 27/04/2009 15:38

Are you absolutely sure it is due to your engagement - you haven't been associated with some project that was deemed a failure or somesuch recently were you? Is it a very male-dominated traditional team?

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2009 15:52

OK so you told her you didn't want a collection, fair enough, but I expect it would have been tricky for her to square that away with your other colleagues.

That she is widely referred to as the "office girl" is a little sad, I am guessing she is over 18 and technically a woman. I know that's not the point of the thread but to be honest it makes the place you work in sound very behind the times. What sort of company operates a culture where women can be referred to as "girls", people are scared of asking for their rights ie part-time working conditions and even worse, getting married and TTC are frowned upon - albeit not openly as you say.

If it weren't for the current economic climate, I would advise looking for another job.

Original poster
WildSeahorses · 27/04/2009 16:27

Sparkle - you're right, it's a very male-dominated team. I tried to think of any other possible causes for this and I couldn't come up with anything - I haven't been on any jobs that got cocked up or anything like that, I haven't argued with anyone - I can't see that this is being caused by anything other than my personal circumstances. It's always been the sort of place where you have to have a thick skin iyswim and I've never minded that particularly, but it just got so much worse as soon as I announced I was engaged. I don't think it can be a coincidence.

Accio - I agree with you; the people I work for (and those whom I have worked for in the past) are extraordinarily behind the times. The current place is by far the worst I've been in. But, as I plan to TTC shortly after the wedding, I would really be shooting myself in the foot re maternity rights if I left now.

And yes, will def smile sweetly. Just because the bosses are horrid doesn't mean I should take it out on the others. Thinking about doing that was unreasonable of me.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 27/04/2009 16:30

YABU. How is the office girl supposed to know you don't want a gift.

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2009 17:07

A thick skin is easier said than done though isn't it. I think in this case you should remind yourself that you aren't doing anything wrong, that you have the right to get engaged, get married and get pregnant whenever you want and if the bosses don't like it then they can stick it up their flue pipe. Don't let this marr your fun. I hope you have a wonderful engagement and marriage and you get pregnant as quickly as you can!

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