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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it rude that my in-laws don't interact with our friends at DS's parties?

33 replies

MrsMerryHenry · 25/04/2009 01:24

We've now had 3 parties for DS since he was born. At each one my in-laws have sat at the side of the room while everyone else was milling around/ getting stuck in. And there they sat for the entire parties, only talking if people made the effort to go over to them. It sounds odd but it came across like a snooty royal couple not wanting to stoop to everyone else's level.

The first two parties were held in a local hall where the only seats were built-in, so I assumed that they were tired (they're in their 70s) and preferred to rest their legs, and I actually felt sorry for them that we couldn't move their seats closer to the action.

But we held the third party in our home, so they were right next to everybody. DH and I made sure we introduced everybody to them as soon as new people arrived and engaged them in conversation with said people, then...nothing. Not a peep, apart from MIL instructing my friend to use a napkin for her cake (wtf??). They remained seated the whole time, and then left very early.

I can understand it more from my FIL as he's often rather uncomfortable in social situations, but MIL is really sociable and incredibly chatty with her own friends and strangers. She loves organising social events and they're both physically fit and very active.

When we go to parties at their place we always make an effort with everybody.

DH and I both thought they have behaved rather oddly and rudely, and tbh I'd rather they didn't come to future parties - but you can hardly omit to invite people to their grandchildrens' birthday parties, can you?

OP posts:

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 25/04/2009 01:38

Perhaps they don't really want to be there but feel they have to show their faces. I can be a bit like they sound at social gatherings where I don't know many people, but I go because I feel I should. Don't be too hard on them ~ they are elderly after all's said and done.

midlandsmumof4 · 25/04/2009 01:55

I don't think this is as uncommon as you think. Sometimes elderly people (even grandparents) just like to sit back and observe. Doesn't mean they are not enjoying the party or being unsociable. What is the big deal with the napkin-whose cake & whose napkin? Maybe she was just trying to save you some mess. Maybe as it is a CHILD's party they attended because you expected them to.

thirtypence · 25/04/2009 05:38

You have another year max for this to be an issue. A school age child doesn't tend to have their grandparents at the same party as their friends. Once they start choosing their own friends to come then gran and grandad would probably prefer to come for tea and cake on another day.

violethill · 25/04/2009 08:59

Agree with thirty.

It seems like a nice idea for the first and maybe 2nd birthday, but maybe you're trying too hard now. They obviously don't feel comfortable. Do a separate tea and cake for them. And once your ds is at school, he'll want to choose who comes anyway!

FrankMustard · 25/04/2009 09:12

My parents and my inlaws tend to do the same- be on the sidelines a bit rather than throwing themselves into the conversation but I know that it's because they don't want to interfere and they like to watch all the fun happening without feeling that they're interfering with the established groups of friends. I doubt they mean to be rude if my own experience is anything to go by.

JustCallMeGoat · 25/04/2009 09:16

they sound quite normal - i would rather pull my own teeth than go to a party of self absorbed parents of pfbs under the age of 4 (and i do remember being the self absorbed parent of pfb under the age of 4).

PuppyMonkey · 25/04/2009 09:16

I am very awkward with people I don't know - although my friends would say I am normally quite chatty and outgoing normally.

Or maybe your friends are just horrid?

echt · 25/04/2009 09:47

Agree with PuppyMonkey's first sentence.

edam · 25/04/2009 09:55

I went to my niece's birthday party last week and mainly talked to my family - partly because I know my mother is uncomfortable in large, noisy gatherings (has hearing loss) and partly because there were lots of distractions - a dozen different activities happening inside and outside so had to keep an eye on ds and my niece as her mother was quite busy.

Had very brief conversations with three or four other people that I didn't know. But really, what's the point, I'll never meet any of them again and they were all busy having fun. I don't get to see most of my family that often so it was a chance to catch up.

Maybe one or two of those things apply to your ILs?

purepurple · 25/04/2009 09:58

the poor things, sounds like they went just to be polite, not rude at all
I hate going to parties where I don't know anyone
you are dealing with different generations here, don't judge people by your own standards

mosschops30 · 25/04/2009 10:02

dc's grandparents dont even come to birthday parties anymore, for the first two years they stood there looking uncomfortable, now they dont bother and prefer us to go round with them after the party or whatever.

My parents would love to go but live too far away.

Ive come to expect no less from dh's parents so it doesnt bother me anymore

Fairynufff · 25/04/2009 12:53

I feel sorry for them. I DETEST kids parties at the best of times - I send my DH to as many as I can I'm so phobic. I can't imagine what it must be like to look on all that noise and indulgence in my seventies. You are lucky they attend at all and YABU.

compo · 25/04/2009 12:56

this is why you have one party for friends and their kids, ie a kids party
and then you have grandparents for cake on a different day , probably the actual birthday

Merrylegs · 25/04/2009 13:10

Do you invite your friends and their kids to these parties? If so, why do you need grandparents there? Your friends are largely irrelevant to them I should think.

Perhaps it would be more special for the grandparents to be invited for cake and tea with the birthday child separately. They might prefer a more low-key occasion.

Perhaps, as your FIL is uncomfortable in social situations, your MIL is 'parenting' him - ie sticking with him and mimicking his behaviour in order to offer him some reassurance and company?

I would imagine that among a room full of people they didn't know very well, her first loyalty would be to him?

ProfYaffle · 25/04/2009 13:15

At least they turn up! My pil actually snorted in derision when we invited them to dd1's 4th birthday party and said " yeah, right, like that's our kind of thing" took dh about 10 mins to convince them he wasn't joking.

gardeningmum05 · 25/04/2009 13:30

i would not want to mix my parents with my friends anyway to be honest.
i would just have grandparents round the house for cake and tea, keep them away from friends

Karam · 25/04/2009 13:31

My ILs are like that - rude to the point of having my family members and DHs friends comment (even joke) about it. We invited them to DD1s first birthday party and they were all bloody rude (to the extent that my DH went round after apologising to people about their behaviour), so we just never invited them again. We got round it by doing parties for friends and my folks came along as 'helpers' because they wanted to and actually they do help and socialise. Maybe that'll work for you?

Stinkyfeet · 25/04/2009 13:34

Is it possible that they're thinking that all the "young people" (your friends) don't want to be bothered by the old folk (them)?

Nancy66 · 25/04/2009 13:35

yeah you are being unreasonable - they're there aren't they? They've made the effort for their grandchild.

Children's parties are always very noisy (not to mention as boring as fuck) so they probably just take a back seat because they don't relish the din and chaos.

what do you expect them to do and why should they take an interest in your friends and their kids?

BirdyArms · 25/04/2009 13:38

I am feeling guilty that I haven't invited my in-laws to DSs parties. We do always see them on the DSs actual birthdays or as close as possible. They live about an hour away but would probably like to come however they are quite shy and I feel like looking after them at the party would be another thing to worry about. I don't remember my grandparents coming to my parties when I was a child, actually don't think they would have wanted to come because they were all busy doing their own thing but PIL I think would come like a shot.

gardeningmum05 · 25/04/2009 13:38

thats it nancy, you sit on the fence LOL

TheFallenMadonna · 25/04/2009 13:45

They're in their seventies. Let them be. They made the effort to get there. My PIL were staying when we had dd's birthday party for her friends. They helped me put up the decorations and then went out for a walk when the children arrived. And I don't bloody blame them! YABU.

piscesmoon · 25/04/2009 14:03

They are elderly and have made the effort to be there. Probably they think it isn't their occasion and they will stick to the background. I can imagine threads on here if PIL made themselves the centre of attention!
Quite possibly they can't hear very well with all the background noise and so don't try to have a conversation.
It isn't an issue for long, as people have said, soon you will be onto DC only parties.
I bet they only go out of duty to you-I would have had them separately.

piscesmoon · 25/04/2009 14:05

Now that I have gone past the stage of young DCs parties I don't want to do them again-if I get to be a grandparent I think I would make a polite excuse and go the day before or the day afterwards when there is relative peace and quiet!

sobanoodle · 25/04/2009 15:54

Tbh I just about tolerate my own dcs parties and certainly don't usually enjoyy other peoples'...and no I'm not a misery ! My dcs and i have lots of friends. When I'm in my 70's I'm sure I'll enjoy seeing any dgcs I might have but I'm not planning to be the life and soul of their parties at preschool or any other age.

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