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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this would be so different if I had a willy to wave

37 replies

itsbeingsocheerful · 24/04/2009 11:46

I work part-time, odd, inconsistent hours but around five days a month in a relatively new family business. My DH is the CEO.

I expected not to get the full rate for my high-level and pretty integral role, for which i have been fully trained. And was I happy in the belief that all involved were being treated equally.

But I have just discovered that a non-family member, who has been involved from the start in an equally important, but different role, and works less hours, gets twice what I do a month.

When I tried to discuss this discrepancy I was told that HE would be almost impossible to replace, but when I countered with what would they do if I quit was told, we'd just have to replace you. What on less than half the going rate for the job?

I'm so angry at being treated so dismissively. But when I tried to express this I was told that no one was treating me dismissively and that it was all based on a dialogue in my head. Aargh!

I really want to just quit, and see how they cope, but I know I won't - too much rides on this for the whole family.

And should I be able to separate this out from my relationship with not-quite-so DH

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 24/04/2009 11:50

I would post this is employment and see if anyone has any advice.

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 24/04/2009 12:02

Thanks Laurie. I hadn't really got round to thinking of it as an employment issue, I was just so angry at the all-in-my-head comment.

I did consider posting in relationships, but I do want to know if my reaction could be considered reasonable, by anyone but me

OP posts:

VinegarTitsThePorker · 24/04/2009 12:08

I would just quit, if so much is riding on this business for your whole family then you deserve to be paid what your worth

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 24/04/2009 12:14

Um, I think it sounds like your husband is bit of an arse! Who are the other family members involved?

It's definitley an employment issue, although tough to resolve without a huge rift if it's family I'm guessing....

slug · 24/04/2009 12:52

Raise a formal grevience about equal pay? If they are paying you less, this could set a prcedent for other female employees. Just because it's a family run business,it's not above employment law.

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 24/04/2009 14:35

Unfortunately Slug, there are no other female employees. Everyone else works on a freelance basis. there is just me and him, working, but family members have supplied some of the capital. And yes Ali the rift would be huge.

OP posts:

auntyitaly · 24/04/2009 14:48

How unpleasant to deal with - is your DH being paid the going rate?

In the meantime, could you discreetly find another job and then resign from your DH's firm saying you're leaving because you need the going rate?

And then say, wide-eyed,if they complain "But when we discussed this ages ago you said you could just replace me.... on 20p an hour" (or whatever it is). "And I'll be earning more now, which is better for the whole family......"

fizzpops · 24/04/2009 14:57

Aside from anything else, isn't it in your DH's best interests for you to get paid more (ie what you are worth)?

slug · 24/04/2009 15:01

There's still the principal of the thing. You are being paid significantly less than another employee doing a similar job and working less hours.

DH or not DH, you deserve equal treatment. I'm sure he would be upset if another you were employed by someone else who was treating you in the way he is treating you now. Why is it different just because you are married? What happens if you quit and he has to employ someone else at twie what he paid you. You will then have direct evidence of discrimination. How embarassing would it be for your DH to be taken to an employment tribunal by his own wife?

You have several options
a) shut up and take it and get walked all over while simmering with resentment.
b) Insist on your legal rights via grevience and tribunal (or the threat there of)
c) quit a job that is convenient and you enjoy.
d) Claw back the lost earnings via charging him for household 'services' that previously you did 'gratis'.

ClaireDeLoon · 24/04/2009 15:08

What happens to the profits in this business? Who gets them? Family members, DH, you? Because you taking less than your market rate is inflating these profits, so someone is getting the benefit.

I would insist with DH tbh - it's about respect for you as an employee really. And if the business can't afford you then both you and DH should take reduced salary not just you - spread it around isyim? Because at the moment it seems so imbalanced against you.

ClaireDeLoon · 24/04/2009 15:09

isyim = iyswim obv

cory · 24/04/2009 15:22

I would find another job, auntyitaly. You don't have to take it, just show them you can get it.

I spent 10 years being exploited by my university, until one day I applied for and got another job abroad. It was amazing how quickly after that they found they could give me a decent contract after all. But as long as noone else is known to want you, it's assumed that you have no options.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 24/04/2009 15:32

You mustn't let them get away with this indefinitely. If they reckon you are replaceable on such lousy money, tell them to replace you - if they reckon that they can pay you less because you are about to marry into the family then I would rethink the marrying bit, as well: do you really want to marry someone who feels that he's entitled to screw you financially as well as physically?

ErnestTheBavarian · 24/04/2009 15:49

um, think she's already maried so presumably already doing both

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 24/04/2009 15:55

Whoops, sorry, reading too fast. But I would still be concerned about the relationship with a man who thinks it's OK to rip off his wife like this. It would be different if they had discussed it and agreed that she (and he) would take much lower wages in the beginning in order to be able to pay the best-qualified non-family members the going rate, but this is very contemptuous and probably misogynistic treatment of the OP (oh, it's only the wife, doesn't matter what we pay her...)

MsMargotBeauregarde · 24/04/2009 15:57

a dialogue in your head?!?!?

That's so patronising. That dialogue is as a pp said "why am I being paid less for working longer than somebody who is no more qualified than I am?".

In any other company (besides your husband's I guess) that would be an entirely reasonable question.

I agree with solid, if they won't treat you fairly. Resign extremely politely and then say "can you hear the dialogue in my head?" (!!)

wolfnipplechips · 24/04/2009 16:12

Itsbeing, is your company a limited company and if so are you a director.

Dh and i run our own business, I work bloody hard but i don't take a wage, Dh does and then we split dividends. The main reason for this is that we can't really afford to pay us both at the moment as the company is fairly new. We share our income anyway and i already have another PT job. My take on it is really that when the company grows i will be the one to profit.

If not and your company can afford to pay you but just isn't then i think he is being completely out of order.

wolfnipplechips · 24/04/2009 16:15

BTW we also have staff who get paid more than i do.

wolfnipplechips · 24/04/2009 16:15

BTW we also have staff who get paid more than i do.

hatwoman · 24/04/2009 16:29

I kind of agree with wolf - that whether or not you're a director/shareholder is a crucial question. but it's only crucial to help answer the question as to whether the arrangement would be reasonable had you been properly informed about it all. which you weren;t. and therein, imo, is the problem - I think that at heart, there's an issue of communication and trust here. and that's what your dh needs to understand. and, tbh, if he refuses to get that, then alarm bells would be going off and perhaps the best thing - for the business and your relationship - might be a measured, calm resignation - on the grounds that you think mixing marriage and business isn't going to work for you.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 24/04/2009 16:39

wolf that's all fair enough but the fact that it wasn't open and transparent to the OP that this was happening, she had no idea, and that she was basically told to put up and shut up sounds very very peculiar to me.

if my DH did that I would be utterly livid. I just don't understand it.

wolfnipplechips · 24/04/2009 16:48

I agree Bella, the deception would be what would piss me off the most. In my situation it was a joint descision for us to run our company like this.

In a family business i would be interested to know why when your hubby is the CEO you are an just an employee, is it his families business. If so they are taking the piss because they will be making profits out of your situation. I might be wrong but shouldn't allA employees really have job descriptions and pay scales.

mermaidspurse · 24/04/2009 16:56

Family and business is a minefield. If I took out a fair wage from our business for all the hours and time we would probaby go bankrupt! That in essence is the nature of a family business. Been in one all my life.
However it's not nice when a dh seems to turn into a condecending prat either once he gets to work.

Original poster

itsbeingsocheerful · 24/04/2009 19:31

Sorry, I didn't mean to disappear. I know that all of you calling for me to resign are probably, right, if only because as slug right says, I am simmering with resentment. It should be that easy, and would be if I was working elsewhere.

Wolfnipple, our situations are very alike, I am a director, and I did agree to work for far less than the going rate until we make a profit. But I assumed we would be all in the same position. The other bloke is also a shareholder/director. It was only reading through the first year's report that I discovered the difference.

But DH's income, again less, but not quite as considerably less than the market rate, is our main family income and, whatever DH thinks the business really could not function without me. Which sounds odd on such few hours, but believe me it's true.

It's not just the pay rate that would stop them finding someone else, its the fact that I have put up with last minute changes, which means working way after normal people are on the second glass of wine, or before the birds start to sing. While also having the main care of 3DCs and another part-time job.

And yes I do wonder about the misogyny of it all, it really does feel like DH and the others all think of me as the little woman earning some pin money. That's the bit DH says goes on in my head.

It's also crossed my mind more than once, that maybe this is not so much to do with the payscales and more to do with our relationship. Just add another twist I could do without!

OP posts:

wolfnipplechips · 24/04/2009 19:40

Mmm its a difficult one, i understand what you mean entirely about them not being able to manage without you as i too usually do all the last minute stuff, work until late at night and generally clear up when Dh loses his head.

Is it possible that your dh feels indebted to this other person or that the other person put up more financial backing. Perhaps he feels that because there is 2 of you taking cash out of the pot your share is bigger than the other guys. Its all nonsense i know but mens ego/pride whatever might be making hime behave badly.

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