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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave 9 week old baby overnight?

48 replies

Feeltrapped · 23/04/2009 21:34

My mum, sister and I are going out to a dinner dance thing on Saturday night - I I love going out with mum and sis and its a posh do so an excuse to get dressed up for a change. We have provisionally booked a room in the hotel so we can stay over (can cancel up to 4pm on day of arrival).

This means DP will have to look after DS all night, something he hasn't done before. I am exclusively breastfeeding so am expressing enough milk for the feeds I will miss and will leave these all made up and ready for DP.

I know I will miss DS but I thought I was fine with this - but suddenly I feel really guilty and unsure about it, especially as I was talking to my step sister/best friend about it earlier and she said she wouldn't even have considered it (she wasn't being horrible in any way, just saying it wouldn't have crossed her mind to go while still b/f).

I know DP will look after DS just fine but I can't help worrying that he wont hear DS in the night (he doesn't normally but I guess that's because I get up to DS before he starts crying). I'm also worried that DS will miss me - is that really silly?

Please be honest, am I being really selfish to leave DS at such an early age?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 23/04/2009 21:37

personally I wouldn't have. but that's partly because ds2 was a total boob-monster and couldn't have done without me tbh.

if you're sure your ds will take a bottle ok, and that he'll settle ok for dp then go for it

MsHighwater · 23/04/2009 21:37

No, you're not being selfish. I don't think I would have done it but I don't think YABU for planning it. You might want a contingency plan in case you find you can't go through with it (like, say, a way of getting home if you decide you don't want to stay away).

Springfleurs · 23/04/2009 21:39

I did it. I don't think you are being selfish AT ALL. However the general consensus from my family is that I was selfish to do it and ds was far too young. I must admit I do feel sad when I think of it now. He was so tiny but I felt under a lot of pressure from xh to go away as a couple for the night.

I will be interested to see what people think.

traceybath · 23/04/2009 21:40

Well not sure i'd have done it but that doesn't mean you're selfish.

But practically - will baby take a bottle and don't forget you'll need to express whilst you're away or you'll get very engorged.

Gentle · 23/04/2009 21:43

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your concern about it speaks volumes about how much you care.

Don't worry about what your friend said. She's not wrong either - what's right for her is right for her - but you are the best judge of whether you & your baby will be okay.

Go and enjoy dressing up and pampering yourself for an evening!

BeatrixRotter · 23/04/2009 21:43

YANBU. I went away when DD was about 12 weeks. I was really worried about it and it felt really wrong when I was leaving (even though I totally trusted DP). I did enjoy my night out though and then could not wait to get back the next day.

Make sure you have tons of breast milk. I was also worried my DP would not wake up but he did, I think he was on high alert as I wasn't there. DP said he thought DD had missed me, but in all honesty I think he said that to make me feel good.

Gentle · 23/04/2009 21:46

oh yes traceybath makes a good point there - take your breastpump out with you!

Me and DH had a "romantic" night away when DD was small. I didn't think I'd need my breast pump, but after dinner I spent most of the night in the beautiful bathroom trying to express by hand! Not exactly what we had in mind...

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 23/04/2009 21:46

yanbu - but it isn't something that I could do. We left DS2 when he was 16 weeks and he missed me and refused the bottle we had to come home In hindsight it wasn't fair for me to leave him with my Mum and Dad but I wouldn't have that feeling if it had been my Dh.

Hope you enjoy yourself.

Misskittykat · 23/04/2009 21:50

Dont feel guilty! I left my dd when she was 8 weeks with my dp and they had the best bonding session ever! and mummy was feeling great because she had a good night! Motherhood is hard enough without feeling guilty leaving your child with her DAD,just make sure you express because it can be painful. Have fun

Original poster

Feeltrapped · 23/04/2009 22:18

Firstly thank you all for your support and for not thinking me an awful mummy! Was worried I would be flamed for even thinking about it!

Re the bottle question - DS has had quite a few EBM bottles and takes it very well. The only problem is that he tends to gulp it down and has occassionally been sick after but DP is aware of this and knows to make sure that he doesn't guzzle it too quickly/make sure he is winded properly in between.

Very good point about taking the breast pump with me too!

DP did suggest originally that he could stay in the hotel (in room) with DS but he didn't seem very keen on this last time we talked about (mainly because he thinks I'd spend all night running up to check on DS).

I'm still really unsure what to do but I guess I could plan to stay and if I can't face it on the night, mum and sis could stay and I could get a cab home - its only about half hour in a taxi from where we live.

Anyway thanks again for all your support x

OP posts:

ragd0ll · 23/04/2009 22:27

I had to go away for 1 night and 2 days when dd was 6 weeks.
She was (and still is) a boob monster.
Dp was fine, dd was fine (although she's refused a bottle ever since ,she's now 13 months) I expressed like a mad thing as soon as she was born to stock dp up.
I was an emotional wreck the whole time,I forgot to take my pump out (was my sisters hen do in Paris) so ended up hand expressing in the toilets of lots of posh bars, much to the amusment/fasination (sp sorry) of all our childless friends!

Ewe · 23/04/2009 22:32

YANBU - go, have fun!

I almost think it is easier to go out for a night now when they don't really know day from night that it is when they are older and clingy.

sayithowitis · 23/04/2009 22:45

Go. Have fun. When DS1 was about the same age Dh and I went away for a week. Not something we chose, but an opportunity arose which was really the chance of a lifetime and we didn't want to turn it down. It wasnt something that could be postponed until later so it really was 'now or never'. Yes, we did get a bit weepy on the plane, but once there, we had a great time and it really refreshed us from the stresses of being new,first time parents. So, as I said to begin. Go, have fun!

Tryharder · 23/04/2009 22:49

Sayithowitis, you left a 9 week old baby for a week!! Bloody hell.

Not sure whether to be or or even .

I am interested to know who looked after your baby all that time? I really couldn't have done that, I admire your nerve and honesty.

frumpygrumpy · 23/04/2009 22:53

Its just step one at feeling you are still you! You want to go, go! Face the problems as they arrive, not by worrying about them in advance. You are not a bit selfish, you are mapping out your own life, DH, DS and YOU will all fit in xxx.

purpleduck · 23/04/2009 22:57

Not sure I would have when mine was that little.
I left mine when he was 5 months and I was constantly expressing. Be prepared!!!!

Dysgu · 23/04/2009 23:02

My first thought on this is that the baby is so young he won't really know whether you are there or not - especially as he will be with his daddy.

Both my DDs had lengthy stays in NICU after being born - I was there as much as possible but that certainly wan't anywhere near all the time and never overnight (NICU here doesn't have that facility). Being away from your baby will be much harder for you than for him, IMO.

Going out - even for just the evening - becomes something of an event in itself once you have DC. It is easier to go out/away when they are tiny than when they are 2.7yo and clingy and aware that you are leaving them with someone else for the evening - even when it is an aunty!!

Go, have a great time and recognise that guilt is all part of being a mum!

39and3quarters · 23/04/2009 23:06

YANBU I left DD (now 9!) for a whole weekend away with the girls when she was 4 months. It felt right to me at the time and I didn't feel guilty -it was exactly the treat/boost I needed at the time and sure DD reaped the benefits of me being happy/refreshed.

However now that other friends have had babies, they are sometimes shocked when I tell them this - many don't leave their DCs for the first year or two. So everyone is different - but I think you should go!

ravenAK · 23/04/2009 23:18

Well, I think YANBU, but if you can run to it & it would make it easier, why not book another room for yourself, dh & dd?

Then you're at hand if there's a problem, dh can look after dd in the room. You'd have to agree that unless he rings you all is well, so you don't spend all evening running up to check.

If dd is a good sleeper you can always look forward to a nightcap with dh after the dinner dance finishes...

cory · 24/04/2009 08:13

Mine is different because it was an emergency, but when ds was about a few weeks old his granddad fell very ill and we thought he was dying. I was still too tired for a 9hr round trip on the train (had been v ill in pregnancy and had emergency section), so dh grabbed a supply of baby milk from the pharmacy and set off with ds to let his dad see the baby before he went. Three trains and a walk across the fields with the pram, so I was quite glad I didn't have to do that. Came back the next day and ds was fine.

It gave me some bonding time with his older sister, which was nice.

And granddad recovered and lived another couple of years on the strength of it.

cheshirekitty · 24/04/2009 08:53

Do not feel guilty. Think of it as exclusive bonding time for your dh and db.

Enjoy your night with your mum and sis. Looking after a small baby is very hard work. You deserve a little break and 'me' time.

sayithowitis · 24/04/2009 09:04

Tryharder,

My parents came and stopped at our house with him for the week. They had been in his world ever since birth, so were familiar to him and also familiar with his routines, so we had no worries about whether they would cope. Also, for various reasons, by that stage, I was no longer BFing, so again, that wasn't an issue.

FWIW, that time away, with DH, was so special. It helped us remember us as us, not just DS's Mummy and Daddy. Ds is now 20 and certainly didn't suffer for us not being there for one week. It was the first and only time we were able to do anything like that and it is really only now that he and DS2 are adults, that we are, again, us, and not just their parents.

Olifin · 24/04/2009 09:14

I wouldn't have done this with ds (in fact still haven't had a night away from him- now 12 months), mainly because he was a frequent feeder and refused the bottle. Because of this, I know I would have probably spent the evening worrying instead of enjoying myself.

Having said that, if your ds is happy to take a bottle, I'd go for it. It's a great opportunity for you to have a break and a bit of head space (I could have done with this when my babies were tiny- looking after them is just soooo intense!)

Hope you have a lovely time.

flowerybeanbag · 24/04/2009 09:25

YANBU. I left DS overnight with DH when he was 10 weeks. However he was bottlefed and DH had been doing at least half the feeds overnight anyway at that stage, so there was little difference for DS really. I definitely wouldn't have left him with anyone else, and in fact still haven't nearly two years later.

Of course, I ended up missing him too much and despite only going to bed at about 4.30am (hen night!), I got up at 6am to drive home because I couldn't bear it any longer!

theyoungvisiter · 24/04/2009 09:29

I don't think you are selfish but I couldn't have done it personally.

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