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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that parents should mind that people mistake their boy for a girl?

110 replies

ChocFudgeCake · 22/04/2009 22:36

My children were playing football in the park with other little children. They all attend the same school so I know the faces. DS came crying because the little girl wouldn't let him play with her ball. A mum sitting next to me commented that this boy doesn't like to share his ball. "What boy?" I asked, "I thought the ball belonged to that girl". The mum said "HE is a boy". I laughed, "No, I mean that little girl with WAIST LONG hair". She insisted he was a boy with long hair, she knows the family. All year I have seen this child and never crossed my mind he could be a boy! They all wear tracksuits so I couldn't tell by the uniform. He also has a unisex name... Apparently the parents don't cut his hair because it's too pretty. He wears a half pony tail... How could I know?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 23/04/2009 15:42

I still want to know why 'should' was in the OPs thread title. I don't understand that.

FatFree · 23/04/2009 15:51

Balloonslayer how can you make a judgement about how people treat their kids just by the length of their hair?

Who's to say that the mousy one wasnt getting over a bout of nits and had his hair shaved off? Or that actually he just likes his hair short?

I'm sure their self images are intact

My son is 5 and has lovely curly locks that he loves. The only time he wanted them cut was when he started reception and kept being called a girl but when it came down to it, he changed his mind.

It doesnt help that his name is unisex and even from an early age people thought he was a girl and i just got used to the fact that some people are dim.

He was wearing a "cool dude" tshirt with jeans and bob the builder trainers and was still mistaken for a girl

Children will tell you when they want their hair cut, or just show you, like in the case of my friends little boy who took a pair of scissors to his hair

HecatesTwopenceworth · 23/04/2009 16:58

oh fucking hell, I'm sorry!

Here - I change it to -

YABU. You can't decide what other people should or shouldn't mind. you can only control what you mind. So if you mind that your child was mistaken for the other biological sex ie thought to have a penis when in fact they have a vagina, or the other way round (although I accept this is a also a very narrow view of what makes someone male or female and there are in fact a million categories that a person could fit into so I am in no way attempting to limit anyone to the mere, basic, 'male' or 'female', simply using that since it is what most people see as being the difference), then that would not be unreasonable. Thinking that other parents should feel a certain way, just because you do - that's unreasonable.

But that's only my opinion. It would be unreasonable of me to expect that you feel that way, just because I do.

grin grin smegging grin.

BalloonSlayer · 23/04/2009 17:05

But my 18mo can't talk.

He does, however, scream when the hairdresser tries to cut his hair.

I made the decision today to not have his hair cut because I think it might be cute to have it a bit longer and curly.

I am being honest saying that it is MY decision because it IS.

I could of course claim that he screams when she tries to cut it because he is making a fashion statement, that he WANTS curly hair.

Everyone who says they have a DS with long hair must have made the decision whether to cut it or not FOR them at some point, for it to have got long enough for the DS to DECIDE to keep it long.

But you all deny this.

Not that I think it's important . . . it doesn't matter of course whether boys have long hair or short. In fact I think it can be an advantage as it gets them lots of female attention (probably why so many of them want to keep it, and that's no bad thing) and if it stays attractive into their teens, they will get loads of girlfriends.

But I continue to maintain that many young boys with long hair, have long hair because their parents decided - long before the boy himself was interested in anything like hairstyles - that he was going to have long hair.

Please all tell me about your sons who had short hair, then asked to grow it longer, and that you know it was not just because they disliked having haircuts, it was a genuine style decision.

Apologies for appearing judgy, I am more judgy of the disingenuousness of the claims that it is 100% down to the child than anything else.

Mumcentreplus · 23/04/2009 17:06

hahaha..Do they where Manscara and Guyliner?..

Mumcentreplus · 23/04/2009 17:16

TBH why care?...I mean it's not YOUR child..it's a fact that most hairstyle decisions are by parents on young children..

KingCanuteIAm · 23/04/2009 17:31

Ballon, of course people make decisions about children who are too young to make them for themsleves but we were discussing the child in the Op who, it appears, is old enough to make the decision.

As for telling you my son had short hair yada yada, my son decided this at 4.5, he had short hair he didn't want short hair and he was not bothered about the hairdresser. He is also not bothered about girl comments. He is not treated differently to my other children he is treated the same, he is allowed to have some say in what happens to him. If someone wishes to judge me for this then that is revealing their shortcomings, not mine.

dizietsma · 23/04/2009 17:38

sigh

Things are so terribly gender polarised for our kids right now, I applaud any parent willing to let their kid buck the trend for rigid gender roles.

OP, YAB VERY U. Sadly, your viewpoint is all too common.

BalloonSlayer · 23/04/2009 17:42

Well I am happy to stand corrected KingCanuteIam.

Where we live it seems to be a class thing, BTW.

Only the posh boys have long hair round our way.

BalloonSlayer · 23/04/2009 17:43

whoops, that was supposed to read and apologise

paolosgirl · 23/04/2009 17:46

DS2 (2) is mistaken for a girl regularly as he has collar length curly blonde hair and very girly, cute features iykwim - despite being dressed in boys clothes. Do I care? Nope - not a bit. I love his long hair, and if/when it starts bothering him then we'll cut it. I refuse to bow to pressures from society over something so trivial - so in reponse to the OP, yes, YABU.

lockets · 23/04/2009 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BalloonSlayer · 23/04/2009 17:56

I just meant where I happen to live Locketts, honest!

There are quite a few longer haired young boys around in our village but none go to my DCs (state) school. And their mums seem to talk much better than wot I do.

There's nowt wrong with being posh, I didn't think that was judgy. Perhaps it's a peculiarity of where I live. I am not the only person to notice and it's not as if we his "possssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" and draw up our skirts or anything.

BalloonSlayer · 23/04/2009 17:57

hiss

thumbwitch · 23/04/2009 18:16

norkilychallenged: my oldest niece had very short hair when she was younger - very blonde but just didn't want to grow. She's now 5 and it's only just made it to her shoulders.

My sis is a biiiig fan of pink and girly and DNc1 was dressed head to foot in girly pink stuff and people STILL thought she was a boy. So, no - it has nothing to do with the clothes!!

cory · 23/04/2009 18:22

ah, I didn't realise that it was a class thing, Balloon. I suspect because there aren't enough posh people around my way. I don't think ds has ever met anyone posh enough to have long hair for that reason. Nor have I ever met a parent (from this country) who wanted their ds to have long hair. But I guess it's a question of what area you live in.

cory · 23/04/2009 18:30

BalloonSlayer on Thu 23-Apr-09 17:05:55

"Everyone who says they have a DS with long hair must have made the decision whether to cut it or not FOR them at some point, for it to have got long enough for the DS to DECIDE to keep it long.

But you all deny this.

...

But I continue to maintain that many young boys with long hair, have long hair because their parents decided - long before the boy himself was interested in anything like hairstyles - that he was going to have long hair.

Please all tell me about your sons who had short hair, then asked to grow it longer, and that you know it was not just because they disliked having haircuts, it was a genuine style decision."

With pleasure. Ds started telling me when he was 6 that he wanted to grow his hair long to be like his cousins in Sweden. For him it is clearly a question of ethnic identity.

He does not make a fuss over going to the dentist or the doctor's, so I have to assume that it really is a question of style. I have forced him to have haircuts a couple of times since his decision, but he has been genuinely unhappy and uncomfortable with his appearance until his hair has grown again.

KingCanuteIAm · 23/04/2009 19:30

Balloon, you may be right, I am very posh - honest guv

OrmIrian · 23/04/2009 20:15

DS#1 has long hair because he likes it.
DD has long hair because she likes it.
DS#2 has longish hair because I haven't been able to get him 100% clear of lice for ages

But it's bugger all to do with my taste. Although I think it probably was when my DS#1 was very small. He had such gorgeous curls

But I don't know why I should mind if anyone thinks either of my boys are girls. If any 'should' it would be taem I guess and they don't. So hurray for that then.

SuziSeis · 23/04/2009 20:16

ds4 was on the beach in southwold nekkid a couple of summers ago ....

he allegedly trashed a boy's sandcastle and the boy came over to tell us what he had done ..

' your girl had broken my sandcastle'

We then heard him go and tell his m and d the same...

odd!!!

I know he has long hair but he has a long willy too

SparklyGothKat · 23/04/2009 20:35

I had a workman in the other week fitting a rail for Ds1. Ds2 was eating his lunch in his highchair and the workman said 'Oh what a pretty girl!' I looked at him like and said 'He is a Boy' and he said 'oh he is far too pretty to be a boy, but he is stunning' I just laughed, and Ds2 doesn't even have long hair!!

SuziSeis · 23/04/2009 22:24

hmmm maybe he likey the mummy

Original poster
ChocFudgeCake · 24/04/2009 23:10

Thanks for all your posts. I'm glad to know what most people think.
Now I'm off, tomorrow I have an early start as my boys have their ballet class! (Honest)

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 24/04/2009 23:30

How do they make him look completely like a girl? Tracksuits aren't exactly very girly. Anyway they wouldn't have known you mistook him for a girl if they weren't there so how can they mind?

nappyaddict · 24/04/2009 23:47

Suzi is that picture on your profile recent or is his hair longer than that now?

ruby love the pic of your DS. How old is he?