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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that with my DP?

37 replies

frekkles · 21/04/2009 14:28

I'm pregnant, due date is friday. AIBU to be upset that my DP is talking about the fact that he wonders whether he'll be able to go to the football the next saturday and the saturday after?

I feel gutted that he'd even be thinking about going to the football in the next few weeks. I'm about to have his child, the saturdays he's talking about I'll either still be pregnant, in labour or we'll have a baby that's under a fortnight old.

His opinion is that life goes on, I shouldn't expect him to stop doing what he wants, that it's only a few hours in the day and that they are the last couple of games of the season and therefore important. He's giving up his season ticket after this season so he won't be going to any more after that so it's important for him to go.

My opinion is that I'm gutted that he's thinking about football rather than me and the baby. If I'm still pregnant, it'd be nice to be doing something nice those weekends to take my mind off the fact that I'm still pregnant. and if i have had the baby then i'd hope he'd want to be spending time with it.

I'm so upset and can't even talk to him now. AIBU?

OP posts:

SerendipitousHarlot · 21/04/2009 14:29

You are NBU at all. He's being really selfish, and obviously believes that his life is just going to carry on as it did before

Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 14:32

not talking to him is silly

tell himhow you feel

until the baby arrives, neither of you can really imagine how things will chgange,football might be the last thing on his mind

i actually think if he is giving up his season ticket he should go to the last two games of the season,unless you are actually in labour, the footie will be a few hours out of the day,not the entire weekend, if he went ,watched and came straight back,he would be out for ,what,4 hours max?

book some beauty treatments and enjoy being pampered while he watches the footy

Babieseverywhere · 21/04/2009 14:33

If it is only for a couple of hours and relatively close to home, then YABU.

If he wants to go whilst you are in labour, or stay out all day, then YANBU

Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 14:33

life does go on, but in a totally different way

also,harlot,he is giving up his season ticket,so clearly is expecting things to be different

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 14:34

Hmm. Maybe he is being a bit selfish, but maybe you are being a bit demanding. Are you sure you aren't using 'But I'm PREGNANT! Waaah!' as a means of getting your own way all the time? Because it doesn't sound entirely unreasonable for him to want to go and see a football match that's important to him when he is giving up his season ticket soon.
I think it;s very important, actually, for parents to have an hour or so a week of leisrure time for themselves, it makes the hard work of parenting so much easier. So be prepared to let him watch some footy - but here is the crucial point - on the understanding that you get an afternoon or evening a week to do what you want, as well.

messymissy · 21/04/2009 14:35

Sadly no, you are not being unreasonable. the most amazing thing in the world is about to happen to both of you...football comes and goes but those precious few weeks with a new born are over in a flash.

it was the gym with my feckless dp - i was in hospital 4 days after having dd, he only visited twice as he did not want to miss the gym. I was too drugged up to get angry about it at the time, but it has continued to upset me till this day.

sit down and try to explain to him how special the next few weeks are, especially as you could go into labour at any time and need him close at hand. maybe try and make him feel special and important that he is needed and maybe he will forego the football.

squeaver · 21/04/2009 14:35

Don't stress. He has absolutely no idea what is about to happen/hit him. I would put a very large bet on him not going to football for quite some time.

bumpybecky · 21/04/2009 14:35

well you're very, very pregnant, so YANBU to be very upset and not talking to him. Forgetting to make me the cup of tea I'd asked for would have caused the same results for me!

However...... it's not the end of the world that he's still thinking of going to the football - sorry! I honestly think he has a bit of a point, providing he's talking home games and just a couple of hours for the match, not drinks in the pub before and after. You can still do something nice before he goes and when he gets back. Whole day excursions at 9m pg are too tiring anyway, give yourself plenty of time to rest while he's out.

Sorry.

OrmIrian · 21/04/2009 14:35

Yes you are. Obviously if you are in labour he won't go (will he?). But no reason at all for him to go otherwise. It's all coming to a halt anyway so let him enjoy the last few matches. Presuming we are talking about the local team not travelling 100 miles or so of course.

OrmIrian · 21/04/2009 14:37

And I do think it's unreasonable to tell people what
you think they 'should' be feeling. No 2 people are the same. Fair enough you want his company, but you can't dictate his feelings for him.

Iklboo · 21/04/2009 14:37

He's desperately trying to cling on to non-dad-dom in his wee mind. When baby arrives football might absolutely be the last thing on his mind. Your due date is Friday but that's no guarantee you're actually going to give birth on Friday - you're not a microwave oven!
If he insists, let him go then phone him and tell him you're in labour. When he arrives home in a panic tell him it was a false alarm
(probably not a good idea - the boy who cried wolf and all that)

troutpout · 21/04/2009 14:38

yes you are ...but we'll forgive you

At least he is 'wondering' whether he will be able to go...i'm rather impressed actually

Northernlurker · 21/04/2009 14:38

Unless he's planning to watch the football whilst you are in labour then YABU.
He obviously loves the game and he's giving his season ticket up - I think you can cut the guy some slack here. He isn't saying he loves football more than you or the baby - just that he has the tickets and he's wondering how this will work out. You are being over sensitive- which is normal at the end of pregnancy.

Just remember - you've been living with this baby for 9 months. He hasn't - my dh is a wonderful father and was excited and loving throughout the pregnancies - but until the baby is actually here I think most men have trouble really 'seeing' it iyswim.

Make plans with your family or friends and tell him to keep his mobile on at all times! You and your child are the centre of his world - you don't need him to 'prove' that by giving up something he loves do you?

mayorquimby · 21/04/2009 14:39

sorry i think yabu to expect him to think of nothing other than you or the baby. what next, he says he's looking forward to the new x-men movie coming out or something else trivial and he's not taking the upcoming arrival seriously?
he's right life does go one, just because he's thinking of something doesn't mean he's definitely going to do it. as others have said it's important you find a couple of hours a week to yourself for both parents.
sounds like you are being over-sensitive

OrmIrian · 21/04/2009 14:39

DH listened to West Ham v Wrexham in the 4th round of the FA cup when I was in labour with DS#1 . As it happened the 'soothing' music I'd brought with me was getting on my tits so it made no difference to me.

Original poster

frekkles · 21/04/2009 14:51

Interesting, thank you for all the responses, It's intersting how mixed they are. I'll reread when my head feels less like a soup. I just feel like running away today, having the baby and leaving it at a hospital in a box and buggering off on my own to be me and free.

It's an 100 miles round trip for the football, he was just planning on going to the game and coming back. One of the games, on the 9th May I'd already said fair enough, i know it's important to you so let's just see how things develop and see if it's possible on the day. But now he's talking about the other one too. I just feel gutted that that's the thing that's preoccupying him, not the fact that we're going to have a baby any day now. Makes me feel so small and unimportant and unloved.

Is it wrong to feel want to be looked after and cherished just now, and be the most important thing in his life?

I also hate being in this fucking cliche. Can't believe I'm having a baby with someone that would even consider football at a time like this. Every bloody thing in my life has changed, I can't do anything I used to anymore already.

I just can't stop crying today.

OP posts:

SerendipitousHarlot · 21/04/2009 14:52

Yeah alright, I'll concede that if it's a local game then he should go really - if he can get home quickly, then it shouldn't matter

Northernlurker · 21/04/2009 14:56

Now come on - you are loved and cherished I'm sure and we are talking about football here -this is NOT a major test of his love for you. It's just something he likes doing and he's wondering if that's ok. I know being 9 months pregnant sucks - you are stuck in limbo between the person you were and the mother you are going to be and in the middle is this large whale woman (no offence!) who can't even tie up her own shoelaces! Ok - deep breath - this too shall pass.

OrmIrian · 21/04/2009 14:59

Of course he loves you. Football isn't a reason to question that. It's just something he enjoys and cares about. You know that if push came to shove (iyswim ) he'd drop the footie like a shot. It's just he doesn't see it like that yet. You're the one whose pregnant so you do.

Does that make sense?

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2009 15:01

YANBU. He's being an arsehole.

If he prioritises football over spending time with his brand new baby then he's a knob.

Honest to god there are some threads on AIBU at the minute that make me feel so damn lucky to have my DP.

When dd was born he was there 24 hours a day. He is constantly loving, considerate and helpful. He dotes on our dd and would do anything for the both of us. Since she was born (6 months ago) he has been on 3 nights out and has tipsily come home early, crawled into bed and told me how much he loves me and the baby.

frekkles This post isn't meant sound smug or to make you feel worse. It just makes me mad that some men are willing to miss out on such important things for the sake of something SO irrelevant and pointless as football.

You are about to have his baby. He should be worshipping you and looking after you not reducing you to tears.

BlingDreaming · 21/04/2009 15:06

You're hormonal. Probably knackered and feeling awful. You are desperately excited about this baby arriving. These are normal. But as others have said, it's not the ONLY thing in his life - you can't possibly forget for even a minute that you're about to have a baby as you can feel it constantly. For him, this is probably more an irritating limbo period and he's thinking that it's a good opportunity to catch the last few games of the season.

I think now, you're not being U so much as seriously hormonal. Read this sentence again: "Can't believe I'm having a baby with someone that would even consider football at a time like this. Every bloody thing in my life has changed, I can't do anything I used to anymore already." - you're also (understandably) bitter than he gets to carry on while you're hauling around a golf bag on your tummy.

mayorquimby · 21/04/2009 15:24

"If he prioritises football over spending time with his brand new baby then he's a knob.

Honest to god there are some threads on AIBU at the minute that make me feel so damn lucky to have my DP.

When dd was born he was there 24 hours a day. He is constantly loving, considerate and helpful. He dotes on our dd and would do anything for the both of us. Since she was born (6 months ago) he has been on 3 nights out and has tipsily come home early, crawled into bed and told me how much he loves me and the baby."

but he's not prioritising it over his child. he's looking to do something for a couple of hours out of a whole week (which he has already agreed to give up in 2 weeks time for the sake of his new family) by your logic your own husband has prioritised going drinking (regardless of how early he came home) over spending time with you and your baby 3 times since the birth, which is obvious from your post that this is not the case.seeing as he's given up his season ticket chances are he won't even go to the football 3 times in the first 6 months of his kids life, where as your husband has gone drinking 3 times in the first 6 months.and i'm not haviong a go about your husband or trying to insinuate he's wrong, i think 3 nights off in the first 6 months is fairly little, but i'm just trying to point out what i see as the flaws in your logic for branding the op's OH a knob.
surely both parents need a couple of hours to themselves each week to keep their sanity. it doesn't mean they are putting something ahead of their family.

i'd imagine that their are quite a few people wo'd read your post and it would make them appreciative of their partners for not equating wanting some time out to enjoy a past-time as not caring about their children or OH, in the same way that you read threads and think these partners are twats.

and while i'd agree that expectant women deserve the support and love of their partners, i don't buy into this notion of worship or pregnant women having the right to be unreasnable/act as they want and expect their husband to just take it sweetly as is sometimes put forward on this board "your pregnant which means ya-never-bu/ yabu but your pregnant so it's allowed/he has to put up with it/who cares if your wrong, you're pregnant which means ytou're right"

;) can you tell that i'm a man

BlingDreaming · 21/04/2009 15:33

And if I understand correctly, OP's DH is only thinking about football pre-baby? And wondering whether it will be possible - whic hI assume means he knows that best laid plans and all that might mean that actually, no, he can't go.

DH will be going to gigs up to when I'm about to go into labour. But would leave mid song he was performing if I needed him.

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2009 15:36

It's very obvious that your a man mayorquimby

Reading it back I may have been a bit forceful.
However I was responding to the fact the the OP has said that she feels "small" "unimportant" and "unloved" ans also that has actions have left her "crying her eyes out".

When my DP went out on those 3 ( occasions it was with my full support. In fact I was envious that he could go out! He's not a prisoner! He has loads of "time out" mostly playing Call of Duty and going to LAN parties. It's not and never has been a problem for me.

But it is a problem for the op. And in my book that means he should be showing her a little more consideration.

Maybe it's not the case for everyone but when I'd just had my dd I felt shocked, vulnerable and physically compromised for weeks!

I needed my DP there to bring me cups of tea/walk the baby back and forth/get me a pilow, a drink and the remote for bfing/bring me a jug of warm water to allow me to pee (tmi I know).

I just think he could be a bit more receptive to her in this very hormonally intense and frightening (don't forget it her first baby) time.

BlingDreaming · 21/04/2009 15:39

But she hasn't even had the baby yet?

I'd agree if her OP said, "I'm really strugglig with this first baby and I can't believe he's considering going to football when I haven't slept in 2 weeks and the baby cries all the time". But she hasn't. She's openly admitted that he is willing to give it up, that he's just thinking about it and not being all demanding and that it's likely to happen before the baby is even born.

She has every right to expect love and support from him, but she is losing her sense of perspective and is upset because he's even thinking about going to football because he should only be thinking about her and the baby they're about to have.

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