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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that with my DP?

37 replies

frekkles · 21/04/2009 14:28

I'm pregnant, due date is friday. AIBU to be upset that my DP is talking about the fact that he wonders whether he'll be able to go to the football the next saturday and the saturday after?

I feel gutted that he'd even be thinking about going to the football in the next few weeks. I'm about to have his child, the saturdays he's talking about I'll either still be pregnant, in labour or we'll have a baby that's under a fortnight old.

His opinion is that life goes on, I shouldn't expect him to stop doing what he wants, that it's only a few hours in the day and that they are the last couple of games of the season and therefore important. He's giving up his season ticket after this season so he won't be going to any more after that so it's important for him to go.

My opinion is that I'm gutted that he's thinking about football rather than me and the baby. If I'm still pregnant, it'd be nice to be doing something nice those weekends to take my mind off the fact that I'm still pregnant. and if i have had the baby then i'd hope he'd want to be spending time with it.

I'm so upset and can't even talk to him now. AIBU?

OP posts:

BoredWithWork · 21/04/2009 15:48

Don't worry Frekkles, by the time the baby is born and he's come back down to earth the season will be over!!!

mayorquimby · 21/04/2009 15:53

and i wasn't trying to insinuate your husband as a prisoner, i was just trying to point out that this man was not being an abandoning tosser.

"Reading it back I may have been a bit forceful.
However I was responding to the fact the the OP has said that she feels "small" "unimportant" and "unloved" ans also that has actions have left her "crying her eyes out"."

and while i'd agree that typed out like that it sounds horrible. but to what extent are expetant fathers meant to go, because the actions that illicited such a response was the husband "thinking about going to football matches" before the baby is born. and my only point was he's kind of screwed if thinking about doing something so trivial upsets the op to this level and i doubt anyone would be able to meet the op's expectations.because in the op's own words she literally expects him to think of nothing other than her and the baby what so ever, so as i said in an earlier post he is now in the position where the husband might express an excitement at a new movie coming out and all of a sudden he's not taking the arrival of a new baby seriously. and i don't think anyone can be expected to live like this so i just think she is setting her husband up to fail by setting completely unrealistic standards.

MadameCastafiore · 21/04/2009 15:54

Babies are mega boring at first - well for quite a long time - what do you expect him to do? Sit and watch it? It is for a couple of hours and he is giving up his season ticket in a couple of weeks as you say so yourself.

And seriously even with a first baby you can get your own cup of tea and even walk - you have just given birth - yes it is hard that is why it is called labour but it doesn't mean that your husband is not allowed to have a life!

Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 16:28

i cannot believe that a man who has said he will give up his season ticket and is wondering if he will be able to go to teh last two games of the season is being told he is basically a selfish knob!!

he has not said he is going if his partner is in labour, he is wondering if he can go.

the not feeling lvoed and cherished either goes a lot deeper than this , or is a hormonal and understandable over-reaction ...

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 17:33

I think the OP probably is feeling hormonal and irrational and knackered, and that;s understandable, but so is her H's position, of wanting do do something fun for the last time in a long while. Now I'm not a man (and remember how irrational I was in the last few weeks of being PG as well...) BUT I do think it's dangerously easy to slip into the whiny mindset of resenting every suggestion that you shouldn't get your own way, or that other people might have other things on their minds. And once you start becoming a whiner, it's hard to pull back from and even harder to get back the respect and affection of the person who has born the brunt of it.

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2009 17:40

Oh solidgold I'm definitely not a whiner and would hate to ever become one!

To reiterate....I'm not against the op's DP having some me time at all! God every parent needs a break now and then!

It was the fact the she was upset that made me think he could be a bit more sensitive to her at this nervous time!

As op says she will be either about to pop, in labour or will have a less than 2 week old baby when he goes away.

My DP wanted to be with me and our baby for these (imo) important times. I fully understand that not everyone sees it like that.

Frekkles - I hope you're feeling better and that you sort it all out with your DP. And best of luck for the birth!

vezzie · 21/04/2009 17:51

I wonder whether part of the OP's problem is the cliched blokiness of it being football. In some relationships / families, football - or the man's devotion to it - trumps everything to a completely unreasonable extent and the women and children have no equivalent sacred privileges. (My dad couldn't give a stuff about sport so I have always been conscious of and mystified by this attitude.) Maybe for frekkles, football itself particularly rankles as an ancient tool of male neanderthal oppression. or something.

btw I don't mean to suggest that only men care about football, or that all men who do are neanderthals. It's just some cases.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 18:51

That's why I said that both parents need some 'self' time every week. I do know what you mean, vezzie - but there is no particular indication from the OP that her H expects his football interests to come before everything else, all the time - he just wants to go to the last match or two before a) the baby arrives and b) he gives up his season ticket.

OrmIrian · 21/04/2009 19:56

vezzie - I was also mystified by it until I met DH. Very unblokey types in my family. But Dh does like it, in fact he loves it, it is a big part of his life. I'd no more expect him to give it up than chop off his right leg. There is no question that he puts us first, but football comes a close second And actually that is fine! And whilst I do appreciate the OP is feeling hormomal etc etc I don't think it's fair to expect her DP to feel the same about the process as she does, or to understand exactly how she feels. Impending fatherhood doesn't make men any more psychic than usual (sadly).

So YANBU to feel as you do, but YABU to be angry with your DP for not sharing your feelings.

traceybath · 21/04/2009 20:04

yabu i'm afraid.

But in your defence you're about to have your first baby so its allowed

My DH was back at work within a day of my first and second babies and to be honest he's just not a baby person. He's an utterly fab dad once they're about 12 months but pretty useless before then.

As usual i agree with what solidgold says.

Just play it by ear - he may not even want to go when it comes to it.

Good luck!

Heifer · 21/04/2009 21:21

Don't mean to be harsh but you sound a little high maintenance to me....

You are having a baby, I bet he is very excited by this - but hey other things are happening in his world too. Tis near the end of the footie season, that will be on his mind too you know, you can't expect him to be only thinking of you all the time.

I can understand you not wanting him to go too far away from you around your due date, but once the baby is born, assuming he is having some time of work to help out, then I believe it is fine for him to go off to watch a footie match at the weekend (as long as he is around to help during the week or evenings)...

And as for your comment that you would hope he'd want to be spending time with it - babies really aren't all that fun to be honest, especially during the first few months. I am sure he will cope being apart from you and your new baby for a few hours...

I think he has already made a huge gesture/committment to your family by not renewing his season ticket, let the man have the last few games of this season at least...

FairLadyOfMuslinCloth · 21/04/2009 21:33

you are probably very emotional and possibly scared right now, so have a right to be unreasonable...but unreasonable you kinda are.,..unless he actually leaves you in a situation you need his support, i.e. you are actually labouring, birthing or have given birth and feel to overwhelmed to cope....obviously distance , of where he would be does have to be considered

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