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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To bring up DP's diet with him? or should I leave him be?

31 replies

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 12:27

I have only been with DP a few months so am reluctant to bring up his diet with him, I'm sure most would say it's none of my business but I'm genuinly worried. And to be honest, it's putting me off getting any further involved with him.

Before I knew him properly, he had a gastric band fitted to help him lose weight. He was morbidly obese and in danger. He then lost weight very quickly and is now down to 16 stone. He lost around 12 stone in weight.

Thing is he has managed this simply because he's had no choice. He physically cannot eat more than he needs. But he's still eating crap all the time. He doesn't seem to have changed his attitude towards food at all, he just eats much less because he is physically restricted.

For instance he will eat a packet of crisps for his breakfast or a bacon sarnie. Sausage rolls, chocolates and cakes for lunch, sausages, take-aways etc for dinner...I have raised an eye-brow a few times and he assures me it's all fine as he's no longer eating too much of it. He genuinly doesn't understand what he's doing wrong.

The other day I was at his house and he cooked me a meal. It was lovely, roast pork, veg, yorkshire puddings ... then when he served it out he sat down without any and said "I'll have mine later" surely the whole point of having a meal together is to eat together? Anyway when I went home it occured to me that he'd not eaten anything all day apart from some crisps in the morning. He let it slip later that he didn't have any of the roast dinner when I left, instead he ate an easter egg.

Yesterday he came around to take me to a job interview. He was in very high spirits and said "I'm doing so well with my diet, I'm really pleased with myself" He then went on to say "All I've had to eat today is a packet of crisps ... and I'm not even hungry!" this was about 4pm.

I began to question his vitamin levels and general health eating this way and he got quite defensive and said "I'm doing fine, the nurse said my tests were fine".

When we went shopping, he just bought biscuits, chocolate milkshakes and icecreams.

It is putting me off because I think it makes him appear quite ignorent, surely it's common sense that this is a stupid way to eat? and also, I suppose I feel he should be making more effort. If I was in a new relationship, I wouldn't be stuffing my face with crisps and chocolate every 5 minutes.

When the band is taken out, I'm worried he will just balloon again as all he eats is junk food and he does no exercise.

AIBU to bring it up or should it remain none of my business? I don't want to come across as the nagging woman already but I think it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 12:29

Just to add, his tests are fine because he takes a shit load of supplements. He seems to forget this.

OP posts:
knickers0nmahead · 21/04/2009 12:32

I dont think yabu bring it up with him.

He is being ignorant to food. Having a band fitted has been a quick fix for him and he will get a big shock when he has it taken out.

I would have a chat to him.

AMumInScotland · 21/04/2009 12:39

I think you need to talk to him about it - if the gastric band is a temporary thing then he needs help to adjust his diet properly before it's removed. I'm surprised he's not getting more help from the doc tbh - surely he shuold be seeing a dietician regularly, keeping a food diary, discussing all this with them? I mean, what's the point of him going through an op if he doesn't then get the followup to sort out the longterm problem?

If you think your relationship has potential, then I think you have to help him to make the real changes in his diet that he needs to have any chance of a normal healthy life.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 12:42

Well he's certainly doing his health no good at all, but I think you should maybe consider whether you want to take up a carer/mother role with some bloke you've only been going out with for a few months. Because you might end up in a situation where you try to give him a healthy diet and he sneaks unhealthy food when you're not looking and basically 'rebels' against you and you feel like you're policing him all the time.
TBH unless he has massive good points in other areas I would be running away.

Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 12:47

did you post about this befreo and him feeding his DD a take away after you had made a healthy low fat meal, or am i getting confused?

sounds like he needs some nutrition lessons, and learn how to eat healthy

themoon66 · 21/04/2009 12:48

I can see why you would be itching to discuss it with him, but, TBH I think you need to step back and let him get on with it. He is an adult.

I'm pretty sure the hospital who fitted the band will be monitoring him and will have given him loads of diet advice with regards to balance etc.

It's not for you to take on the role of parent to this man. [rod for own back emoticon]

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 12:57

No Auntylulu but I did read that post and remember it well. It rang a few bells with me as you can imagine.

I stayed over there the other night and you know what it's like in someone elses house, you don't like helping yourself to anything. So I got up and hovered around the kitchen. DP was just pottering around eating crisps. I was very hungry and he didn't seem like he was going to offer me a drink or any breakfast so I eventually said "Do you mind if I make some brekkie?" he looked a bit taken aback and said "err, no ... course not ... what would you like?" and he went in the cupboard and there was nothing there other than crisps, biscuits, super noodles etc. So he started rumaging through everything and said "there's err ... some of those prawn cocktail crisps you like?" and I replied "for breakfast?" (I did this hoping he would see how silly it was to eat such things for breakfast) and so he shut that cupboard, went into another one where a whole loaf of brown bread was (just that on it's own), it had started going hard so I don't know if he'd bought it for my benefit or what because he certainly hadn't been eating it "Toast?" he said.

So I had the toast.

He does see a dietrition but he's one of those people that simply doesn't listen. Sometimes I'll say something to him and he'll make a noise in responce and then completely change the subject. I can imagine him sitting in the dietritions office and basically just nodding in the right places not sure if I can be arsed with it all to be honest. I have always been a healthy eater and pains me to see someone eat like this. And from a selfish point of view, I don't want to be dating a 30stone bloke who can't walk a few miles without needing to sit down etc in a few years time. And it's not a great example to set my DS either (DP has already given DS a sausage roll and a packet of crisps for his breakfast in the past).

OP posts:
Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 13:07

aah, sorry for confusion

he needs to get to the root of his eating. i tedn to overeat, but i do know the basics of healthy eating, how to eat low fat and how to cook decent , healthy balanced meals from scratch. so although i do eat my fair share of junk, and then some ! i do have the knowledge about food i need, and my DCs eat very well.

has he always eatne badly from childhood?

he might be more comfortable eating the 'wrong' foods in smaller quantities, than learning to reeducated his palate and eating 'proper' food such as a roast dinner

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 13:07

I couldn't have a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy eating healthy food normally. The nonstop snacking on crap and the fact that a man had insufficient willpower to control his food intake without surgery would be a big no no for me. I'd end up nagging this bloke and feeling more like his mother than his girlfriend. I don't like nagging. He doesn't sound very bright and as though he has any understanding of how to eat, or very considerate of your needs. I thought you had to have seen dietitians etc before having gastric banding. The fact that none of it's sunk in makes me query his intelligence.

Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 13:08

surely the band would make him vomit up high fat foods ? or is that only if you have the bypass?

AMumInScotland · 21/04/2009 13:12

Hmm, that doesn't sound very hopeful - I was imagining the problem was that he wasn't getting good advice. But if he's getting it and ignoring it, despite the evidence that he's not actually been eating healthily (being 28 stone must have shown him there was a problem), then you have to wonder if he's really wanting to change and take responsibility for his actions. And if he doesn't want to take responsibility for his life, then personally I wouldn't jump at the chance of taking the responsibility for him.

If he continues like this, as you say he'll have no quality of life, and anyone he's in a relationship with will feel the costs of that. That's a lot to take on, and if you're only a few months into the relationship you'd have to wonder whether it's time to cut your losses.

BonsoirAnna · 21/04/2009 13:14

OMG, your DP has absolutely no nutritional knowledge or skills at all!

He needs educating. Perhaps you could buy him some good, serious books on nutrition? And perhaps he needs to see a nutritionist for a few lessons?

TheCrackFox · 21/04/2009 13:15

Personally, I would mention his eating but you have to be prepared for him not to listen.

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 13:17

He takes anti-acid medicine Aunty, not sure if that's why?

The thing is he is a trained butcher and baker, so he can cook. He makes lovely stuff for me and the kids but he doesn't eat it himself! I have no idea why.

I have seen photos of his childhood and tbh he only put the weight on when he got married. Up until the age of 23ish he was fine. Very slim.

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 21/04/2009 13:19

Being knowledgeable about cooking is not the same as being knowledgeable about nutrition, though!

Morloth · 21/04/2009 13:20

Honestly this sounds like a massive problem with the food just being the symptom rather than the cause. If you had been married for a couple of years I would suggest trying to work with him on it, but as that is not the case I would say:

Yes, that is a problem but it doesn't have to be YOUR problem.

littlesilversnowbeetle · 21/04/2009 13:21

Anna it is perfectly possible to be very knowledgeable about nutrition and still have shit eating habits. I am a case in point

BonsoirAnna · 21/04/2009 13:22

I know, I know! But if you haven't got any knowledge you haven't got a hope in hell really... knowledge is the starting point.

ProfYaffle · 21/04/2009 13:23

But he's seeing a dietician already, just ignoring the advice he's being given.

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 13:26

If you really want to be with this guy then you are going to have to talk to him about him eating with you as a couple and eating 3 meals a day of healthy food and ditching the junk food and binging and constant grazing on crisps.
He needs to only eat when he's hungry and stop when he's full. It sounds as though his eating habits are so messed upthat he never gets hungry and can't recognise when he's full. The gastric band may help with the latter. It does sound like lots of mummying and nagging him though.

Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 13:28

did something happen and he started to pile on the weight? an accident, or bereavement or trauma of some sort?

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 13:33

Apparantly he started to over eat because he was so depressed in his marriage.

OP posts:
Auntylulu · 21/04/2009 13:40

he should really address these issues...the minute the band is off he will put on huge amounts of weight again. depression and overeating are linked i thikn. he needs to be happy enough in himslef to treat his body better and understadn he is worth treating well

2rebecca · 21/04/2009 13:42

Why did he keep overeating? Many men and women are unhappy in their marriages but they don't overeat to that extent. Does he have poor coping mechanisms? It sounds as though he's never really explored his disordered relationship with food. To me someone who overeats to get morbidly obese blaming their unhappy marriage is as trite and lacking in insight as an alcoholic blaming an unhappy marriage for their alcoholism.
Neither of them are accepting responsibility for their own behaviour and faulty coping mechanisms.

littlesilversnowbeetle · 21/04/2009 13:43

wow 2rebecca, you're all heart

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