To not really want my MIL to stay with us when I give birth?

[cazinski]

This is a bit of an awkward one, and I'm back and forth in my own head with what to do and how I want things to be. I'm due to give birth to our first child in the summer, my DH and I live quite a distance from both of our parents, in fact at the other end of the country. A good two to three hour train ride away.

My DH thinks it would be a good idea (and nice for his mum) if MIL came to stay with us. He wants to give her a ring when I basically go into labour and she'll make her way to our house. His thinking is that she'll be able to help out around the house, do little jobs etc. The thing is our place is not particularly big, she'd have to sleep in the dining room or on one of the sofas. I just don't know if I'm going to want all this messing about. I have an awful sinking feeling that my DH and my MIL will take over too. I feel like I just want a bit of space and to get to know my new child on my own without someone else waiting in line to cop a hold!

I've suggested that she stay in a B&B locally, just so we're not all under everyones feet-but DH seems to think that that's pretty mean and we can't expect her to do that. Hmmmpf.

Will I be glad of the extra pair of hands or will I be tearing my hair out wishing everyone (MIL) would just bugger off???

No way. You've said in your OP that you're worried DH and her will take over which means you must have reservations. As the partner of a man whose mother is constantly trying to jump in and take over to the point of excluding me, I would strongly caution against letting her participate so intrinsically in your first few days as a family....BTW my MIL's behaviour only became alarmingly possesive over her son when we had DD -it was too much of a threat to her- to the point her own family find it extremely odd.

your instinct is good

say no

stand firm

you are not being mean

if it's important to you then it's important for the baby

mil's generally come with well meant, kind advice and plenty of it

but one needs to find one's own path there is plenty of advice out there if you need it there is only one chance for you and your baby to find each other

xxx good luck with the birth

i've told my own mother that i dont want her to stay right after the birth. you'll need time to adjust.

Hi new to this but just had to respond to this ... I really like my MIL but.... she came to visit for a couple of days three days after my son was born. This was slap bang in the middle of the baby blues time , which hit me with more force than I expected.
It felt like to me that she would not put my son down, she was so overwhelmed with emotion and excitement that I felt so totally pushed out and ignored. She did go and do one lot of shopping which was amazing. but to prove the point on their return home they sent us a copy of all their photos they took while here, out of 50 pics there was only one of me in my nightgown - eating ! Nearly all the rest were of her and my new son.......
This has definitely put a twist on the relationship that I find difficult to unwind.
I would recommend only inviting your MIL to come at least one week or more after the birth. You are often in a vulnerable place after giving birth and you need to feel totally nurtured by everyone that visits, so make sure when anyone comes they make their own tea and bring useful food, help wash up etc. and do not make you sweat about having a clean house.
Good luck with it all.

(NB Book called "Birthing From Within" has a great section on how your partner can guard against people who might not help during the birth and post partum)

No NO NOOOOO!
Please do not do it.
You will regret it forever!

seriously, do NOT do it...

It will turn those first few days from a magical memorable time into a nightmare.

We'll try to avoid having any visitors at all for the first few days after our new DC is born- never mind having people to stay!

NO!!!!!!

my mil was there when I went in for an induction which ended up in c section. She was actually the reason my |I had a fever and my blood pressure went through the roof and I got the shakes.

When i came out It was awful really hard to see her constantly cuddling my lo. It even drove me mad that she was washing everything all the time including dealing with my bloodstained pants. I was pretty hormonal post birth and found it really upsetting the way my dh would do what she's suggest over what I wanted done. Everytime I had to breastfeed it was really awkward. Also the 'well meaning advice' was constant.

yes another vote for no
I've said it once and I'll say it again

No don't do it!

I had my parents here, and my MIL came and my sister/BIL etc etc. It was awful. I just wanted to sort myself out, get to know dd and relax with dh and enjoy the moment. I ended up being told off by my mother for crying (I know now it was just baby blues) dh was told off for not holding dd correctly (and it was my responsibility to ensure he didn't hold dd until he could be trusted to do it properly) and I acted all energetic, smiley, confident, when really I was in a lot of pain, terrified of having this wee soul to care for, and just needed a hug.

My family has gone on about my 'easy' birth - extended episiotomy, 3 hours pushing etc - ever since.

MIL should come when you want her to, it should be nobody elses decision.