To not really want my MIL to stay with us when I give birth?

[cazinski]

This is a bit of an awkward one, and I'm back and forth in my own head with what to do and how I want things to be. I'm due to give birth to our first child in the summer, my DH and I live quite a distance from both of our parents, in fact at the other end of the country. A good two to three hour train ride away.

My DH thinks it would be a good idea (and nice for his mum) if MIL came to stay with us. He wants to give her a ring when I basically go into labour and she'll make her way to our house. His thinking is that she'll be able to help out around the house, do little jobs etc. The thing is our place is not particularly big, she'd have to sleep in the dining room or on one of the sofas. I just don't know if I'm going to want all this messing about. I have an awful sinking feeling that my DH and my MIL will take over too. I feel like I just want a bit of space and to get to know my new child on my own without someone else waiting in line to cop a hold!

I've suggested that she stay in a B&B locally, just so we're not all under everyones feet-but DH seems to think that that's pretty mean and we can't expect her to do that. Hmmmpf.

Will I be glad of the extra pair of hands or will I be tearing my hair out wishing everyone (MIL) would just bugger off???

Like that suggestion alicet

Both our sets of parents are miles and miles away (at opposite ends to each other too). I was adamant that I didn't want anyone staying after baby was born.

However when dd was born I ended up ringing my mum in tears on about day 3 begging her to come and help out. I was tired and in pain. She came down first thing the next morning - she helped with the baby, she let dh & I catch up on sleep, she cooked and she took us out for a meal.

OTOH I couldn't possibly have had MIL there. Seriously I would have murdered her. It would have been too stressful and I wouldn't have felt comfortable around her - just simple things like needing a bath cos it was too painful to wee without being in an inch of water I could say that to my mum but not to MIL iyswim.

I guess it comes down to how you get on with her. Personally I'd say to your husband that you're worried about how you'll feel after the birth and not sure you'll feel comfortable in front of his mum doing things like learning to breastfeed, etc. Keep an open mind though because you might decide when baby is here that you'd like some help. I think the B&B is a good compromise tbh on the condition dh can tell his mum to leave if you need him to.

We're moving across the country just before we have DC2 (mad I know!) and we are moving away from my family and near to DPs family. I don't know how the postnatal period is gonna work. With Dd, it was lovely, DP would go out to work in the morning and leave me and baby in bed and front door unlocked, then about half an hour later my mum would let herself in and come and watch dd while I got dressed. She would always bring food, and took us out for little walks and generally encouraged me to get out and about. This lasted for about a week and was absolutely brilliant. My mum is saying she will come and stay with us next time and do the same thing, which would be wonderful. Not sure what MIL is planning on doing. I get on really well with her, but I'm obviously not as close as to my own mum, eg I wouldn't be comfy with her helping me in and out of the bath etc. I will need lots of help after a planned CS and with a 2 yr old to look after as well though!

I think it depends on the MIL. Is she the kind that makes herself a cup of tea or waits to be waited on? Mine is the latter and I can't think of anything worse than her coming to stay after the birth of DC.
You need someone to come and look after YOU not the baby, that's what you're there for!
Maybe wait a couple of weeks til you're feeling semi-human again and your hormones aren't all over the place. (and book her into the B&B!!) You just have to be firm with DH and remind him who it is who is giving birth.

Helpful mothers/MILs come into their own after the second child is born IME.
Also after my first child was born both Mum and MIL went totally manic with excitement about their first grandaughter/grandchild and were very wearing to have around. By the time the second child comes along they don't get so overexcited and also their relationship with you as grandmother/mother instead of mother/daughter has settled down. Eg. they have worked out that your baby is different from their baby and just because something was right for infant dh it may not be right for your dc, and you have worked out that when they keep going on about how different things were in their day it is just an observation, not a criticism.

When ds was born my mum came to help out and frankly I didn't want her to leave because she was so great at looking after dd. However if she'd been here for dd (our first child) I'd have throttled her.

I think B&B is a really sensible idea. You only need her around to 'do little jobs' if your dh doesn't know how to work the washing machine.

My MIL came down to stay when DD was a week old. Suuposedly for a 2/3 days....

She was so much help - making sure I ate and rested and really looking after me and baby. Doing all the washing / housework / dinner / cups of tea making / running baths....

So much so that everytime she mentioned going home I convinced her to stay a little longer.

She stayed for just over two weeks in the end - by which time I could stand on my own two feet. And she wanted to get home probably to have a well deserved rest, after being a full time housekeeper to a stunned new mum.

If anyone had told me when I was pregnant this would happen I would never have believed them - but she was a star ! I can still remember trying to come up with reasons for her to stay longer....

No No NOOOOO. Seriously no. This is your first child. Unless you are wonderwoman you will NOT be able to cope with MIL getting under your feet and 'helping' whatever her good intentions. Really no.

I had a similar situation and even though my mother (estranged - only met a couple of times - rare contact) had decided to book herself and her hubby a plane ticket from USA to coincide with the birth (without checking with me first!) I still said no as they had no right to do that. I have no idea if they got a refund (they did come a month later but didn't stay with us) and I don't care. DS had traumatic birth and was in SCBU - last thing I needed was melodramatic mother trying to make up for absenteeism whilst attempting to care for sick baby.

This is extreme example but I was so happy just to get my child home and spend time with him and DH. I couldn't have handled anyone there, even stepM who is wonderful but like some kind of whirlwind - I just wanted peace and to be left alone.

I really hope MIL and DH can try to be understanding if you explain that you would rather have some space

You're a very lucky woman monkeychambers!

I was trying to think of reasons for mine to GO not stay!

I would be happy with my MIL staying but my MIL saw me give birth and I'm ok talking to her about painful stitches, constipation, leaking boobs etc and having her there while BFing.
My MIL is the sort of person who would take DS1 out to the park if he was playing up and I was feeding the baby whereas my Mum is the sort of person who would just come and tell me that DS1 was playing up !

If you dont feel the same way about your MIL then I wouldnt advise it!!!

he may have good intentions but this is not a good idea

no no no

please just say no and invite her a week or two later

you will be tired, hormonal etc and need space and time to yourselves

if she wants to come before and clean and do some cooking great!

I wouldn't recommend it.

My MIL came up when DS was 3 weeks old and DH was going back to work. I had had a section and was still quite immobile and it was lovely to have her here.
By then I wanted to get back a little normality, so having a pair of hands to cuddle DS while I pottered around and made lunch etc was great - and she cooked each evening, brought me water and snacks when I was BFing and was generally fab.

It would have been hideous immediately post birth though. I was knackered, grumpy, in pain and struggling with feeding - all I wanted was DH and my own parents.

While I do understand, and pretty much agree with all of this (I couldn't hack my mil coming for that length of time, eek!) it does still make me feel a little sad.

I have two dses. I will be a mil, never the mother of a daughter having a child. I have slagged my mil enough times to know that I probably deserve a dil who is happy and comfy with her own mother but holds me at arm's length.

Now, I probably wouldn't have wanted my mother to come and live with us as soon as ds1 was born, but I was happy for her to come, cook food, give me advice, keep me company when dh went back to work. But felt uncomfortable when mil came round.

I know it's not really what the OP meant, I suppose I'm just thinking aloud about my own relationship with my mil and what that will mean for me when my sons have babies. That my dil will face my visits with a grim determination rather than relaxation and comfort

My MIL lived about 20mins away from us when dd was born. She was on us the instant she could, wouldn't be put off, turned up as and when she liked. I ran around cooking, cleaning, making tea/coffee etc while MIL woke dd up for hugs and cuddles just when I'd got her to sleep etc.

Nightmare. How I wanted just the 3 of us to be there on our own, just for week, just for a week, please.....

2happy your post rings bells for me too. I also have 2 DS's and am not having anymore so am always destined to be the MIL.

However, I aim to be like the ones described on here that were actually helpful, understanding and considerate (maybe I should write that down and keep it to read in 20 years time when I am in that position ) and hopefully my DIL's will want me around

It sounds from your post you are accommodating everyone elses preferences but your own.....

If you are not keen at this moment in time. Stand firm.

When my Dd was born PIL came down 10 days after the birth (they too live a long way away). We insisted they stayed in a locak BB so they were not disturbed at night.

You do not know how you will feel after the birth and how tired you will be after the first few days when the baby gets feeding and has been up for hours....(sorry to be negative but this is the reality with a newborn!)

Please don't ignore your concerns at this time is never recovered. I did not practice what I preached entirely when my DD was born and have lived to resent PIL as a consequence. However when DS was born I had learned (as had my husband) that at these life changing events it is important to put your needs above everyone else. (Selfish as it may sound it is one of the first things you need to do as a parent!) If she is a MIL who understands then your relationship can stand it!

DH was really poorly when I had DS1 and we lived a good 3 hour drive away from MIL and my parents.

My parents came down to stay when I was in hospital, helped with DH, sorted the house out, brought DH to see us in hospital and then brought me home. Mum and Dad then had to go back home because of work commitments, but they made sure food was in the house for us etc and all washing and ironing done.

The following weekend, DH's sister and bf brought his mother down and it was the worst weekend of my life. She expected me to wait hand and foot on her (sister and bf basically went out all weekend sightseeing and for meals) whilst I was lumbered with her. She did not offer to make me a cup of tea once and I had to do all her meals even though I was sore from having a section.

DH was basically bed bound and she was blardy chair bound like a couch potato.

depends on your relationship with MIL - I had Mil, Fil and Bil come to stay 2-3 days after I gave birth but ended up with a longer hospital stay than intended so they were there when we came home: and I have never been more greatful
They stayed in a hotel, would turn up with breafast and deli muffins each morning, cooked most meals and MIL had done loads of washing/housework that DP hadnt noticed over the stress of me and the baby being hospitalised. When they werent with us they amused themselves shopping, sightseeing etc. MIL had planned a bit of a celebration with cake, presents etc the night I got home but when she saw I was feverish, tearful and hormonal they went to their B&B early, and we did it the next day. DS got held and cuddled when I was in shower, with midwife, and a few bits of advice were given, mostly useful and mostly to help us BF). I have always got on well with her but was really so happy that she was theremy own mother couldnt be, much to her dissapointment). And I never had to ask or make any rules with her its just the way she is.

There are lovely MILS out there, honest! (my DP has two unmarried brothers btw)

What do you expect her to behave like? what does she normally do on visits? can you and DP talk to her about what sort of support you do and dont need or would that not go down well?

If its going to happen try and take control of the situation now before you are post partum and stressed/hormonal - if you set down rules/expectations it might be easier for both of you and her to get through this and save resentment

Don't do it. PIL came and stayed in a B&B after DS2 was born, they were only there for the weekend but spent all day in our house, each day.

As others have said I didn't want to be dressed, I didn't want to be social, I wanted to lie around in bed and felt I couldn't do that.

My MIL said the same thing and just turned up and stayed. Before hand i was so against it but it actually was great, she kept out of the way and just cleaned all day. But second and consecutive babies i dont think its neccessary

I personally wouldn't do it ...my MIL came to stay after my second was born ( acouple of weeks after) for a whole week, and it was a pain. She is a very nice person, but she stood on the sidelines most of the time, which meant I ended up feeling like I was looking after her. When my husband got back from work, he felt obliged to chat to her, and some evenings he ended up eating with her, when I was feeding baby in another room as she clearly felt uncomfortable with me bf...you can imagine the heightened sense of abandonment (!) I felt - I'm not joking...and it caused a few ructions (and I am married to a usually very caring man)...No, its your first - you DONT want MIL interfering no matter how good the intentions.

Put yourself and your new family first.

The time with just you, DH and new baby is absolutely lovely and so precious, you will be knackered but amazed and elated and there are so many private and special moments - when you wake up for the first morning as a new family, doing the first baby bath together, watching your new baby fall asleep on DH's chest/DH fumble to change a nappy inexpertly but gently... its so so lovely, you will want to drink in every moment and you will cherish it forever.

Don't have an audience you're not 100% about having there as all those memories will include them. MIL's delight at DH changing a nappy, the first bath, etc.

You need a good 3-4 days just bonding as a threesome. If your MIL can't come just for a few hours and must come to stay (even in a B&B because you will picture her twiddling her thumbs when she's not at yours) then invite her a few days into your new setup. It is totally not unreasonable.

If you have a good and helpful DH then you probably won't need the extra pair of hands. I had a long labour and an EMCS and I never felt that I needed any help as such, so don't assume you necessarily will.

In fact, help is probably best after you've had time to work out what help you want/need!

All the best x

It does depend on how helpful your mil is. My mum came to stay for 3 days after I gave birth and it was brilliant. Dh went to work, mum cooked and cleaned and I got on with establishing bfing and recovering. After 3 days, mum went off (leaving lots of food in the fridge/freezer) dh took his pat leave, I was a bit more recovered and with it and we had some lovely family bonding time.

With my first child my huge regret was having my ILs to stay too soon. It was absolutely horrible. A few days post-birth you have the 'baby blues' to contend with and the absolute last thing you need is to have to worry about putting on a face for someone else. If baby is awake at night you don't want to have to worry about keeping a guest awake. You don't want to worry about feeding someone else. You really need some time to come to terms with your life being changed forever and not to mention recover from birth. Getting to know your new baby is such a special time and you don't need someone else in the picture if you have any question marks about them being there.
If it goes wrong it could change your relationship with her forever. My ILs were fairly painless but it has taken several years for our relationship to recover from my initial resentment. I didn't call on them again for support in my son's baby and toddler years. Even though they only did a couple of annoying things it was so amplified by hormones and the moment in my mind. If you get in a position where your DH has to take sides or has pushed her on you - it gets even worse and potentially damages your relationship too.
Have her in a B and B. Or don't have her at all until you feel ready e.g. 2-3 weeks. I actually find the BEST support is when your DH's paternity leave finishes. For a first time mum that can be the most isolating time. I would recommend having it just the 3 of you and when he goes back to work (making some assumptions here) she can come then and will be a real support.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

no, YANBU

Oh and everytime I went to bf DS1 MIL walked out of the room with a look of disgust on her face and even said in a round about way that having a c section was just like having a vaginal birth and could not understand why those women took longer to recover and could not drive etc. Gah!!