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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to question the motives of a single lady texting m DH most days?

31 replies

AliceMumma · 21/04/2009 04:19

My DH has a male friend whos partner has a single slim blonde friend who texts my DH alot asking how his day was etc. Because i have 2 little kids,i dont go along much when he goes to see his friend so he always is there alone, and shes there alot.
Ive met her once and she is nice, but then she txt my DH saying i was giving her evil looks!! (which i honestly wasnt)My Dhs friend got married a month ago and my dh and this chick were in the bridal party and had a great day all hanging out and having fun. She now calls him Hun and puts xo after some texts, and txts alot on a saturday night when shes had a few drinks. He says shes just a friendly person who hasnt got many friends, which apparently she hasnt, but would any of you mind if your DH was getting texts like that? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceMumma · 21/04/2009 04:22

p.s My DH said if i minded it, he would stop texting her, but i dont wanna look like a big meany. He is a dairy farmer and works 13 hour days 21 on 2 off, so he doesnt get out much, and nothing is going on between them, hes just not that kinda person...

All im wondering is what are her motives? Friendly harmless chat or does she fancy him??

OP posts:
stagefright · 21/04/2009 04:42

hmmm I would be suspicious. Your dh should put a stop to that, I'm sure it's flattering but sounds like it is getting out of hand. I would never text xo or the like to another person's dh or someone that I didn't fancy. Sounds like she is using any excuse to talk to him.

Numberfour · 21/04/2009 05:50

i would not like it at all. and if i were getting texts like that (from a male!), DH would not be impressed at all either!

i agree with stagefright. i would never text another person's H just for friendly chats followed by x or whatever. it is in appropriate and she is not respecting your marriage. your dh should put a stop to it.

SamJamsmum · 21/04/2009 06:11

I would mind. The 'evil looks' comment and the hun stuff are inappropriate.

potatofactory · 21/04/2009 06:23

Definitely not on. No way! specially the evil looks comment - she is trying to create a bond between him and her which excludes you with that one.

ramsi · 21/04/2009 06:34

Trust your gut. No question that DH should tell her to stop. Or have her over along with DH's friend for drinks and tell her in front of DH that you think it is inappropriate.

SofiaAmes · 21/04/2009 06:39

Absolutely inappropriate. Please do yourself a favor and ask your husband to tell her to stop. And you must insist that he does not go and hang out with her without you. Are your 2 little kids not your dh's? Why is he going out and leaving you at home with the kids. Get a babysitter and go out together. And if you can't afford it, he shouldn't be going out without you.

jellybeans · 21/04/2009 07:13

YANBU if she really was happy being just his friend she would be nice to/about you.

MrsMcCluskey · 21/04/2009 07:36

I wouldnt be happy about it.
I think at the moment nothing is going on or your DH wouldnt be showing you her texts.
I wpuld question her motives.
And asa above the two of you should go out, esp if it is to a wedding.

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 07:58

nope, not on

knock it on the head

and why didn't you go to the wedding if this bloke is such a close friend of his?

you are acting like a doormat, in my opinion

Lizzylou · 21/04/2009 08:02

She obviously wants more, texting after a few drinks and the dirty looks comments point to that I think.
If she is so nice and friendly, why hasn't she got many friends?
I would try and minimalise your DH's contact with her, or try and be around when he goes out and she'll be there.
I don't think your DH is doing anything wrong, but he must realise that this woman wants a bit more than friendship (prob why he said he'd stop her texting).

valleysprincess · 21/04/2009 08:05

ahhhrgh! She's after your husband! Stand up for yourself now!

Original poster
AliceMumma · 21/04/2009 08:46

Oh i did go to the wedding.. i just wasnt in the bridal party, so they went off for photos etc during the day, and sat at the main bridal table during the dinner, i sat with my DHs parents.

I do go out with him sometimes, he always asks me to come, but his friend lives an hour away and my DH stays there till 10 or 11 and thats way too late for me and the kids. Plus, i have nothing in common with his friend or his wife so arnt really intrested. (they talk motocross bikes the whole time, )

We live half an hour out in the country and to get out and about its a mission. Tho when my DH gets his 2 days off we do something on one of the days as a family (most the time) and he goes out with his mates the other day

OP posts:
YanknCock · 21/04/2009 09:12

It's the 'dirty looks' comment that is really telling. She KNOWS she's doing something wrong and is completely projecting it on to you.

Say to your husband 'I realise there's nothing going on and you wouldn't cheat, but I'm a woman, and I know what women can be like. She is seeing every text back as encouragement, so it's best if you stop or respond very seldomly'.

goodnightmoon · 21/04/2009 09:16

totally not on

wingandprayer · 21/04/2009 09:23

I agree with Yank

You do need to be careful that you keep DH on side so he makes the decision to end it for his reasons and because he realises it's innappropriate, not because you want him too. He's not done anything wrong apart from maybe not realise how manipulative women like her can be.

You don't need to give her any more ammo along the lines of "Well we're just friends though aren't we, so sorry your wife is so jealous and doesn't understand, lets just keep our friendship a secret then...."

Encourage him to keep you in the loop with what she's sent that day, laugh along with him at how silly she's being, send a few nice texts of your own to him during the day.

mrsboogie · 21/04/2009 12:33

Good advice here, they are all correct - she is up to no good. If she was totally innocent it wouldn't have occurred to her that you had a reason to give her evil looks - especially when you weren't.

It is not appropriate for her to be texting someone else's husband like that - she's not his friend, she is only an acquaintance through other friends.

She is probably doing it because it gives her a buzz to try to cause trouble between a couple. Blokes often can't see through this type of thing and think the scheming minx is only being friendly. Does she text your DH's married male friend in a similar fashion?

Why don't you invite your DH's friend and his wife round to yours sometimes so you don't have to be left out of things, or get a babysitter so that they don't become some kind of foursome by default.

BitOfFun · 21/04/2009 12:41

Totally agree with cockyanker . That comment was designed to undermine you and make you look like a bunnyboiler, and to give her a little "in-joke" with him. She is a daft bint of the malicious sort.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 12:48

She does sound a bit of a cow, but your DH sounds a decent bloke who has no intention of cheating on you, so try not to make it into a big deal. Good advice from mrsboogie on trying to make sure you are more included in the social life, as well.

SofiaAmes · 21/04/2009 13:37

It's really important to a relationship that you make time for yourselves as a couple, without the children. You should be making yourselves go out without them. Dh and I used to have a babysitter booked every friday night. Often we didn't even have a plan of what we were going to do until we were in the car driving away from the house. It's particularly important when the kids are young....it's so easy to forget about each other's needs while in the midst of caring for young children.

Poppity · 21/04/2009 14:40

no YANBU, tell him to stop as he's already offered.

Jackaroo · 21/04/2009 14:40

And seeing as you're on MN, you must know already that NO ONE should be referring to your DH as "hun" and getting away with it

sorry, flippant.

Really, get him on side and point out that he might not think it's a problem, but a,b and c might be reasons to be wary, and as Sofia suggests, make sure there's couple time too (I can give the advice, but I never remember to take it!).

Dreamaway · 21/04/2009 15:09

I would put a stop to this now, it's totally innapropriate.

My dh did the same with a so called married friend of mine needless to say we are no longer friends and that was nearly the end of us as a couple.
The texts and phonecalls were all done in secret...until i found out. she would contact me to ask how dh was knowing full well she'd already text/phoned him. And the lies she told me were unbelievable

Her DH didn't know about it either. but the alarm bells should have started ringing about her beforehand when she announced to us one evening that she was snogging another mutual male friend of ours on a night out (who also has a long term girlfriend) Her DH was standing just feet away, and she made a pass at the same friend in front of his GF...people like this have no shame.

When she found out i knew about the texts and calls She immeadiatly turned on me.
She said i was paranoid and controlling and even phoned DH at work to say i was giving her dirty looks, making silent phonecalls to her and accussed me of coming on to her DH and Brother!!!(none of it true) But looking back she was probably making little digs about me to DH Before i knew....she is a very manipulative person

It all got really messy as she kept trying to contact him long after i found out and i swear i was so close to battering her...but i didn't and i'm glad because i am a strong believer in "what goes around comes around" and she will get what she deserves...eventually.

It sounds like this woman has an ulterior motive, however innocent your DH thinks it is. but at least he told you about the texts i would be v concerned if there is any secrecy involved. It sounds like she is trying to reel him in and if that means putting you down in the process then she will stop at nothing until she gets what she wants.

tessofthedurbervilles · 21/04/2009 15:14

An very old mate of mine is a married man (met and married since we have been mates) and I text sometimes but always about something and he puts a kiss on his messages wheras I don't. Ever. I just think its wrong and not appropriate but them my ex h cheated on me and was texting his woman when I was out of the room so I am conscious of how it can seem...

Dreamaway · 21/04/2009 15:21

I must add that this "so called friend" Refered to my DH as "Babe and "Hun" signed off with a XX When confronted she said that she does this with everyone.....funnily enough never in messages to me !!!

To me this is just too much especially to a married man.

I only use XX to people really close to me. and my DCs are the only ones i ever call Babe