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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my separated husband of 2 months thinks I shouldn't be upset if he wants to see other people?

26 replies

idontlikethisperson · 20/04/2009 16:22

he hasn't yet...but he can't understand why I would be upset?

This split in his words "was the only way to go". Therefore meaning perhaps to resolve. Oh no, in his mind not to.

But he can't understand why I'd be fuming at him seeing anyone else. Esp as we have a 2yr DD.

He's pushed my mental health to the limit and now he can't understand why I'd be upset!

I'm sorry I do have feelings and it's very hurtful to be cast aside and feel that he's looking out for a better model?

AIBU?

OP posts:
cheekysealion · 20/04/2009 16:28

it is hard i know... i have been there.. and i was devastated when new women was on the scene... they now have a new baby and i really couldnt care less... no thats not true because i care that dd has new db... but what i mean is that i am not jelious anymore in the slightest...

in my experience men can sometimes move on quicker as can some women

think you need to prepare your emotional state that it may happen....

but it will get easier i am living proof and i was devastated beyond belief... now i cant remember being with him...

best wishes

EightiesChick · 20/04/2009 16:57

YANBU. Insensitive git.

GypsyMoth · 20/04/2009 17:00

Hmm....actually I think yabu. You're separated. 2 separate lives again.

mayorquimby · 20/04/2009 17:10

yabu even though it sounds harsh.
you're seperated.

Dior · 20/04/2009 17:13

Agree that you are BU. Not to feel hurt, that is natural. BUT, he left you and it is normal for him to want to move on. I suspect you were hoping for a reconciliation?

Sorry it is hurting you

MuffinBaker · 20/04/2009 17:14

YANBU to be upset.

Original poster
idontlikethisperson · 20/04/2009 17:16

I get that, but 2 months on, been together for 11 years, married nearly 8.

How quick can someone cut off their feelings. I am just not like that.

It's like being told, thanks for everything, now I'm off to find someone else. Am I the only one who thinks that when you get married you don't throw everything away? Maybe I am.

It hurts to be cast aside. Really does.

Ok, well I guess I'll have to toughen up.

OP posts:
Original poster
idontlikethisperson · 20/04/2009 17:17

Actually I hate it

OP posts:
serenity · 20/04/2009 17:18

YANBU to feel that way. Whether or not it's OK for him to start dating again so soon after the split is another matter.

EightiesChick · 20/04/2009 17:18

But wasn't the OP saying he is surprised that she's upset and that's what is (un)reasonable? If I left my DH, against his wishes, then I would not be surprised if he was upset at the thought of me seeing others, however 'reasonable' that might be in practice.

Original poster
idontlikethisperson · 20/04/2009 17:19

Exactly, he's surprised that I should be upset and hurt. If he did start dating someone that is.

He doesn't understand why I would be.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 20/04/2009 17:21

Even though our marriage was over and we were separated, I didn't rub my new relationship in my XH's face. I hid it for quite a while to try to save his feelings. But there was no question of reconciliation, it just wasn't going to happen.

Sounds like you did want to reconcile, and perhaps him telling you he's thinking of dating is his way of saying 'no' to that.

Sooo...YANBU to be upset because you've finally realised you're not going to get back together, but YABU if you think he shouldn't see other people.

serenity · 20/04/2009 17:24

My Dad told me, the day after he kicked my Mum (and two siblings) out, that I had to understand he was a man with a man's needs and not to get upset if he found a new woman who would be more important to him than us. He introduced his new GF to me the following week. He still doesn't get that this ability to cast his old life aside is why we've had no proper relationship for the last 20 years. Some people are just like it, I feel sorry for them tbh. They'll end up sad and alone and won't even get why.

You deserve better than someone who lives like this, but because you're not like this it's going to take a while to stop hurting.

dittany · 20/04/2009 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
idontlikethisperson · 20/04/2009 17:30

When we separated last time he had a fling with someone and only told me parts of it, when we were getting back together.

I guess the hurt is still there.

OP posts:
littlepollyflinders · 20/04/2009 17:50

This is really painful, I know.
Unfortunately the one thing we can never have any control of is how others react to our actions.
I hate to suggest this but when men (and I'm sorry but is most often men) see someone soon after a break up (or even begin to talk about it) chances are that person has been around for a while.
Sorry - don't want to make it more difficult for you

Judy1234 · 20/04/2009 17:50

How quick? It depends who left whom. I was unhappy in my very long marriage for ages so when I decided we would divorce it was a huge relief and I was very happy. (I didn't incidentally see anyone for ages after but that's not the point - internally I felt it was over). Yet I could understand my ex's feelings - he still wanted to be together, couldn't believe I didn't want him etc.

picmaestress · 20/04/2009 18:13

YANBU, this sounds very hurtful, poor you. DH and I have been separated for 3 months, have just agreed to a quick and (hopefully) amicable divorce and I wouldn't DREAM of having this sort of conversation with him (it was me that left). I also hope as two civilised human beings we'll both either wait a few more months 'til we start seeing people, and/or keep it secret.

What were his exact words? It sounds like a very bizarre conversation. Has he got a kindness chip missing? Tell him to be nicer to you, or just stop communicating with you like that, it's not appropriate.

You just don't need to know. >hug

AliGrylls · 20/04/2009 18:57

He sounds really insensitive. I can completely understand why you would be upset.

Talking about meeting someone else so soon after a break up is one of those things that doesn't need to be discussed even if he may be thinking about it.

Thoughts are with you and your dd.

junglist1 · 20/04/2009 20:15

YANBU he is being insensitive here, but the thing is, he might not even realise. Never been in this situation, but when me and P argue he can just go off and play snooker and have a grand old time while I'm left fuming.
I think men also move on quicker or may appear to move on, maybe a rebound type thing? It's just so hard to get into their {thick} heads and see what's going on.
Sorry you are going through this, but it will improve.

ElenorRigby · 20/04/2009 20:30

YANBU!!
It often takes months to get over a long term relationship.
But for those who have gone through marriage vows, for a geniune person that would have to take a good deal more time.

Dillydaydreamer · 20/04/2009 20:39

I can see why you are angry, mine didn't warn me he was! I just saw him dancing on a table with some bint (out of normal boring character) and totally ignored me when I went to speak to him about it.
However, as with any split, its usually been a long time coming so feelings from one side or another have gone long before the split. My only advice is to warn him that if he wants a role in your dds life that you don't want her exposed to a different step mother every week If you try to be adult about it he will probably pay more attention and you will keep your dignity intact.
I am really sad that you thought it was to work things out when clearly it wasn't on his agenda.

MeMySonAndI · 22/04/2009 00:58

You are not unreasonable to feel that way, but it is true that you both need to move on.

I told my exh that I was going to go out with someone just before I did. The only reason was that I preferred to let him know myself (kindly kindly) rather than have someone bringing the "gossip" to him in the worst possible manner.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 22/04/2009 08:06

you are not unreasonable at all to feel the way you feel. I guess for him though, it wasn't the point at which he physically left that his feelings changed/died. As he is the one that has ended things, that means that he had already left mentally way before he left physically. So for him it has been much longer than 2 months, iyswim. People don't decide they don't love someone and leave the same day, you know?

That said, it is insensitive of him to not even take a moment to look at it from your point of view, or even try to make things a little less hard for you.

piscesmoon · 22/04/2009 08:14

I can see that you feel hurt, but if you have separated he has every right to do his own thing. If he waits 6-12 months you will probably still feel the same. It sounds as if you both had a different agenda when you split.

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