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Original poster

But why is my life so totally over??

36 replies

hotwheels · 19/04/2009 22:12

It has crept up on me to say the least! Nearly 40, work 30 hrs+ a week and have 4 yr old with Atypical autism, if there is such a thing,who i adore to bits. I also have a husband and step children who i wish i could get on with but no longer can. I feel bitter and I am so sick and tired of the shouting and stroppy teenagers and ungratefulness and no money and drinking too much wine to blot out the misery. I feel that my marriage is over and there is no way out of it, my husband is a good and kind man but he and I are now poles apart I really feel that i actually hate him beyond reason sometimes. I feel like giving up, there is nothing at all to look forward to in life and I am totally unrecognisable from the girl I used to be.

OP posts:
MrsMcCluskey · 19/04/2009 22:13

Change the things you can
Accept the things you can't

sleeplessinstretford · 19/04/2009 22:15

we all are kidder.
life is not all progress,a lot of it is just process.
we all drink too much,real life chucks shit up at you which causes additional pressures and some drink,some sulk,some internalise it. if you are worried about your drinking see someone for some help.
maybe talk to your hubby-explain how you feel,he's probably feeling the same and will be glad of the forum to air it.
good luck

Ronaldinhio · 19/04/2009 22:16

You sound very down my darling

Any chance of a day or two off (on the sick perhaps) to try to get some rest and a better perpective.
Sometimes a rest makes it all feel doable again or allow you to see the things you might need to change.

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 22:18

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Original poster
hotwheels · 19/04/2009 22:23

Sadly rest etc doesnt help, i go from feeling mildy euphoric to sick in my own skin. not sure that much can help now, perhaps with maturity/middle age comes acceptance, who knows? Thanks

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 22:24

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BiscuitStuffer · 19/04/2009 22:28

Find a girlfriend and go on holiday for 10 days or go on an Explore trip where you join a group to somewhere funky. Allow your head to clear and see what you want to do then.

catsmother · 19/04/2009 23:04

That's a great idea BiscuitStuffer, but one of her complaints is that she has no money ........

Sorrento · 19/04/2009 23:10

Can you go to your mothers for a few days ?

benfmsmum · 19/04/2009 23:18

Make a list of 10 positive things in your life ie you have a wonderful 4yo, you are alive!, you have a job, you have a dp/h, you have food in the cupboard and a roof over your head etc. maybe some are really simple things like you had a nice cup of tea this morning but make the list every day (the list can have some of the same things on it each day), add a few more every few days and soon you will be seeing positive things in your life every day without really looking for them!

I have an autistic son and I know it can be hard, but the see things differently from the rest of us and cope really well most of the time - if they can - so can we!!

BiscuitStuffer · 20/04/2009 11:39

oh yes. I'm sorry.
My next plan of action would be to have a serious think about something you have always wanted to do (eg run a market stall / learn pottery / photography...) and do what you can to make it happen. To be able to lose yourself in something you love doing is very healing and refreshing.

I would also have a big serious chat with your bloke and see what happens.

BiscuitStuffer · 20/04/2009 11:40

fwiw it sounds like your cup just needs refilling - too many draining things going on in your life. You need a better balance.

pinkdelight · 20/04/2009 12:20

A good and kind husband is worth hanging on to and hating him right now doesn't mean your marriage is over. It's very understandable though given the pressure you're under. Like the others say, you need more time and space for yourself so you can get some perspective instead of making a move you would regret. Please don't give up. Get some support, give it time and look after yourself.

marmitebabe · 20/04/2009 12:39

I agree, get some support, doesn't sound like you can cope with all of this at the moment. You certainly need a break. I wouldn't consider getting rid of that man yet though, he sounds ok and you need all the help you can get.
Try talking to gp and getting some nhs counselling.
{hugs}

tclanger · 20/04/2009 13:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiscuitStuffer · 20/04/2009 13:58

tclanger - all posters on here have been trying to offer support in their own way.

Comments like 'it so clear that some of the posters here have never had to deal with autism' are unecessary I think. What's the point of saying that? It's like slamming everyone elses thoughts and opinions down as worthless while raising yours as the only one listening to.

I presume that wasn't your intention?

messymissy · 20/04/2009 14:16

hotwheels, i think motherhood changes us all and none of us are the girls we used to be...

what is it from your youth that you are hankering after? some time for yourself? some un done ambition? can you get

You are obviously very hardworking and under a lot of pressure, take a few days off, even if you go sick, sounds like you really need a break.

teenagers are always stroppy and self centred - if they are your husbands he needs to tackle them first and get them to cut you some slack, sounds like you have your hands full with a 4yr old with special needs a full time job and so on.

if they want to be stroppy and shout, you can decide not to join in their teenage rebellion and let them get on with it, dont give them an audience.

probably easier said than done, but try to have a chat with your husband and see if he can take some of the pressure off you.

and you know drinking is not the answer - only makes you feel worse about yourself in the long run.... spend the money on a treat for yourself rather than on a bottle of wine.

you and your 4yr old are the important ones here, hunker down and focus on the two of you for now.

tigana · 20/04/2009 14:23

You do sound a bit depressed.
I know people can be quick to fling that word around, but sometimes it is the right word, you know.

Could you speak to your GP?

tclanger · 20/04/2009 14:39

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pagwatch · 20/04/2009 14:49

Actually I think tclanger is right.

Life with a child with autism has a very different texture to life without and the sloutions are slightly more elusive.

That is not in any way to dismiss what others have said but I think that the ASD is relevent.

I think you sound like I did when DS2 was about that age. I found that because I loved him so much it made it difficult to admit even to myself how tiring life was and how I was struggling to adjust.

I also think that I experienced a disconnect from the rest of my family because they did not 'get' how huge this change in our life was.
It took me and DH a couple of years to work through and start seeing our life and our future in the same way.
Like another poster I think you sound depressed and i think becxause you love your child you are not seeing his issues as part of your trigger - that is not the same as his issues making you depressed.

When you have a child with SN you have to shift you expectations and adjust to the life you are leading rather than the life you imagined.
I would not change anything and my gorgeous boy is part of the happiest bits of my life but I still had to adjust.
Could you get some additional support from anywhere - and maybe get some counselling where you can talk through things without feeling disloyal ?
Does ANY of that make sense?

Phoenix4725 · 20/04/2009 15:04

its hard having a child with asd/s and takes alot out of you and makes it so much more hrder when you have so much going on with your life

Is your dc getting any help at all ,more so are you

sarah293 · 20/04/2009 15:11

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amber32002 · 20/04/2009 15:14

'Nearly 40' - that's a big milestone and most of us I think have had to look long and hard at life when it's a Big Birthday.

'work 30 hrs+ a week and have 4 yr old with Atypical autism'

I'm ASD myself, so I know what sort of hard work I can be even as an adult . And having had a son with probable ASD, I know what sort of hard work he has been in his younger years too. You're not working 30+ hours a week, you're working about 600 hours a week, by the sound of it. Well, you know what I mean.

Who gets to do the washing, cleaning, shopping? I bet it's you?

'I feel like giving up, there is nothing at all to look forward to in life and I am totally unrecognisable from the girl I used to be.'

Yup, a trip to a trusted GP might be an idea. You've got so worn down that you need a break of some sort. If that's not happening because of stroppy and unco-operative people, you need a boost of some sort from doctor/counsellor, or some respite care from the council, or something - anything - to give you some 'me time' back again?

Have a cuppa. It's no consolation, but it's a start...

Phoenix4725 · 20/04/2009 15:39

do you claim dla as well for your dc ? and have you checked into tax credits as well ,Also depending if you get dla and what rate you might be able claim carers to

5inthebed · 20/04/2009 15:56

Hotwheels, having a DC with autism is very tiring in itself, let alone having a job and a step family to try and get on with.
Do you have any help with your DS? When was he DX?
Why not come over to the SN board where there is a lot of support with this sort of thing.