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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

But why is my life so totally over??

36 replies

hotwheels · 19/04/2009 22:12

It has crept up on me to say the least! Nearly 40, work 30 hrs+ a week and have 4 yr old with Atypical autism, if there is such a thing,who i adore to bits. I also have a husband and step children who i wish i could get on with but no longer can. I feel bitter and I am so sick and tired of the shouting and stroppy teenagers and ungratefulness and no money and drinking too much wine to blot out the misery. I feel that my marriage is over and there is no way out of it, my husband is a good and kind man but he and I are now poles apart I really feel that i actually hate him beyond reason sometimes. I feel like giving up, there is nothing at all to look forward to in life and I am totally unrecognisable from the girl I used to be.

OP posts:

HelensMelons · 20/04/2009 17:48

Hi Hotwheels

It sounds like you feel a bit 'lost'.

We got a dx for our ds2 of an asd in feb 07 (he is now 8) and I grieved for about a year and a half and during that time I can honestly say I hated my partner (most of the time). He is a good and kind man like yours but god did I project my anger towards him. I eventually went into counselling (BACP approved) and within a few weeks I viewed the dx differently. My counsellor helped me validate my feelings (I hadn't really talked to anyone before) and begin to accept the dx. It was such a relief to unburden - and although I still have a bloody good cry sometimes I feel a lot better.

DP and I still have our ups and downs but I don't have the absolute hatred that I had anymore.

Much as I have bad days with my dc's I think having a dc with an asd has enriched my life - however, without 'rewards' the demands can be a bit too much tbh at times. Do you have any rewards? Any time for yourself? Those things help to have a balanc, I think - I go to college one day a week. Doing the extra work, etc is a bloody nightmare but one day a week I am just me. I can have lunch and be a student and escape. Could you do something like that - evening class, something fun/take your mind off things?

Sorry for blabbing on, hope it helped in some way.

LadyFio · 20/04/2009 17:51

come over to the special needs board and you can have a good moan and then hook up with someone local to you and go and get drunk and then go home and go to bed

MorrisZapp · 20/04/2009 17:55

The OP only mentioned it was the teenagers she was struggling with, so why pick up on the autistic DC?

I think it's horrible to say that only people with autistic kids can answer a post like this. Presumably if OP had only wanted people with autistic kids to reply she would have gone to that board.

Everybody has experience of feeling down and feeling like their life is over, surely we've all felt like that at some point?

LadyFio · 20/04/2009 17:57

I don't think it matters either

pagwatch · 20/04/2009 18:04

I don't think anyone was saying that were they?

I think some posters ( like me) were just attesting to the additional pressure that a child with ASD can add into the normal mothering mix. As my son with ASD was my second child I know how different that time was from the usual parenting stresses. The statistics for failed marraiges following diagnosis are terrible - I just wanted to vouch for the additional pressure as it is hard enough to keep a marriage working when you realise that your relationship is under extra pressure. If you don't realise what may be contributing it is nearly impossible

But I have to say I am liking how eager people are to make us an SN clique. I rarely get to feel elitist

marmoset · 20/04/2009 18:27

Hang on in there - you are not alone. Having a child with sn can be hard work but some things are harder to cope with than others (and there is research out there to prove it - have a google). I think we will all have had periods of feeling overwhelmed and very isolated, even within a family and I have had times where I have thought 'is this it?' but it can get better.
Time to re-write the script and take control - the gp is a good place to start if you are anxious etc. Ask the health visitor/council about resources and support groups. i know lots of families with sn in my town thanks to special pre-school clubs and parent forums - do you have anything like that? hubby is probably doing what comes naturally - burying head in the sand.I'm 40 and my children thwart any attempts at being a yummy mummy!

sickofsocalledexperts · 20/04/2009 19:13

I have an autistic son and teenage step children too so know what it's like. Think that 2-4 are the hardest years, but reckon it starts to get easier with the autism from 5 upwards, if that helps. Someone very wise once told me that even autistic kids grow up and mature, and what you're dealing with now is a 4 year old (hard) and autism (harder still). Don't leave your marriage, you need him. Make the teenage steps his problem not yours though, as I bet you take more of the burden of the 4 year old. I find it all a lot easier dealing with their tantrums, if I just a background player rather than a key figure on the stage. And don't be afraid to ask the doc for help if you feel depressed. It does get better, is all I can say. xx

stillenacht · 20/04/2009 19:19

hey hotwheels - i am hearing ya (2DS's - DS2 with low functioning autism aged 5, work as a teacher in a GS - surrounded by very clever pupils all day - had a GCSE pupil of mine call another one 'retard' today which broke my heart - they all know about DS2) Other DS is going to Ed Psych next week to test for learning diffs...I know where you are coming from - many many hugs xxxx

ElenorRigby · 20/04/2009 19:49

Well said SleeplessinStretford...
"we all are kidder.
life is not all progress,a lot of it is just process."

hotwheels I kinda know how you feel. I love my DP and DD to bits and I care very much for DSD. But somehow sometimes I just feel confused lost and on some wierd threadmill that never ends. I work 32 hours a week, have done the vast majority of care for DD as DP didnt bond with DD (that is getting better now). Have had to cope with the antics of DP's ex and support DP in his ever growing charity work.
I often feel useful but not important, like a useful pair of boots. I feel second best and not much of a priority.
DP and I had a blow up over the weekend, I felt like it would be better if I got on plane far away and left everyone. I felt like a liability.
Ho hum, don't know why I wrote that. I'll just keep on keeping on I guess.

Curiousmama · 20/04/2009 19:57

Not much I can add but just want to add my support and hope you can get some clarity.
You're getting some good advice here and I think it helps to realise there are others in the same boat even if yours feels like it's sinking right now. It's sometimes so hard to see the good things when life's so stressful.

Original poster

hotwheels · 24/04/2009 09:36

Thankyou everyone for all your brilliant comments,and i will def log into the website posted. I have been at work ever since as i am a ward Sister. There are a lot of things that i am going to do and one of the first is a trip to my GP. My DS starts school in Sept and we have a Tism arranged etc. he is having outreach at nursery. I think what has been hard is i have ended up isolating myself from friends as they can not deal with him when he is having a "Moment", so you just dont put yourself in those situations any more. The drinking is a real issue and i am not sure when I want to get help for that, I know I need to.
I am thinking about giving up such a stressful job when he goes to school because i feel very stressed with it all, I cant afford to but I may have no choice. thankyou again

OP posts:

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