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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

UPDATE on should I have told ExH new GF something. Not good...

32 replies

Paranoidornot · 19/04/2009 21:16

Well the fall out has now come. The new GF has put all over FB that I am an evil vindictive bullying bitch. Nice.

She has sent me a text asking if i am still in love with him and then this classic;

"My daughter is fine she's happy she's loved and wanted and has two parents that work together. More than i can say for your daughter who is going to grow up an evil cow. Sour faced. An evil bully who looks down on people cause she went to university, which any one can do these days. she's going to grow up just like you. Ifeel sorry for the poor little girl, hopefully when she's old enough to make a decision she'll leave you. Honey you are a nasty piece of work"

So to those who said that she would blame me - you were right!

I take it IANBU if I never let her anywhere near my daughter???

OP posts:
stitchtime · 19/04/2009 21:17

oh dear...

pavlovthepregnantcat · 19/04/2009 21:18

Ooooh I missed that, what did you do?

Original poster
Paranoidornot · 19/04/2009 21:24

Background for those who didnt see original -

ExH (been split up for 3 years I've had new DP for 2.5 years and ExH and I have a 4 year old DD)is crap never phones DD when should, doesnt visit when meant to, etc. Has new GF. She has 3 year old DD too and her own ExH.

She keeps lecturing me on 'won't I think of my child' because I'm mad at him because he doesnt contact when should and have finally given up with him and told him to go through the courts because he keeps letting DD down.

She was going on about how good he is with her DD and I lost it and repeated to her that he'd told me her DD was a bit thick. Which he did. I realised straight away it wasnt nice and apologised.

Anyone know what happens when you go to court re access??

And as everyone said on previous thread - yes I played right into her hands and now she thinks I am the evil bitch he painted me out to me (I'm not by the way, honest)

OP posts:
edam · 19/04/2009 21:24

Oh dear...

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 21:26

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Original poster
Paranoidornot · 19/04/2009 21:30

Oi Shineon - I was just about to say loving your penguin work

I know though, I feel Jeremy beckoning already

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RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 21:33

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/04/2009 21:35

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Original poster
Paranoidornot · 19/04/2009 21:40

Hi Shiney - yes I do! Send her the penguin stare of death!

Stewie - I apologised straight away, twice. Although part of me thinks - it wasnt me that said it it was him (but I know IWBU to repeat it)

Its really difficult because I don't want him to have contact as he:

drives her in an uninsured / un mot'd car (as soon as I found out I stopped it)
doesn't phone when meant to (last time he didn't phone for a week because he had a 'sore throat')
Lets her down re visitation - DIDNT TURN UP ON BOXING DAY FFS
Lies re money - ie owes me lots, tells me he cant afford to give it me, then goes to ITaly for holiday
Says bad things about me in front of her
I could go on and one.

I really need honest answers from anyone thats been there, I know everyone says both parents should be involved, but should they really when one is a total dick? She has my DP and her grandad as male role models.

I'm so confused

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 19/04/2009 21:43

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StewieGriffinsMom · 19/04/2009 21:46

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Remotew · 19/04/2009 21:54

I would tell her it's non of her business where your DD is concerned, which it isn't, and that she should butt out in future. You have apologised for repeating what HE said but re-iterate that he did say it and you were provoked by her interfering. Presume you have never met her DD so wouldn't dream up the comment. Then cut off contact with her.

Then follow other posters advice about contact arrangements.

2rebecca · 19/04/2009 22:20

That is an appalling thing to say. I didn't get on with my husband's ex in the early years, but would never have said anything about the children, particularly because they are his children to. How did your ex feel when he read that? If my ex's girlfriend wrote anything like that about our kids my ex would be livid. Someone saying his daughter IS (not might)grow up into an evil cow? Someone who has never even met the "evil cow" daughter.
She has lost the moral high ground big style. Don't let your daughter anywhere near her until you get an apology and don't correspond with her (at all) but tell your ex exactly what she thinks of his daughter.

mrsjammi · 19/04/2009 22:25

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Yurtgirl · 19/04/2009 22:33

If this were my life I would:

Cut all contact with him, the new gf etc

But chase him for maintenance money. When your dd is older she can contact him if she wants too

Contact with a father who behaves as he does is not worth bothering with imho

As long as you somehow manage to keep track of where he lives (how?) your dd can contact him when she is older - meanwhile I cant see the point of her feeling let down on boxing day for example

That is what I would do in the circs

PS - the new gf sounds horrible - rise above that sort of behaviour!

Original poster
Paranoidornot · 19/04/2009 22:33

Thanks for all your responses.

I did forward her nasty text about our DD to my ExH, but radio silence from him. Knowing him he was probably sat next to her when she sent it.

I have blocked both on FB and have made a vow not to look at the profiles to myself, so she can write what she wants I wont see it.

I intend to ignore any emails or texts I get off her now totally.

Thing is I'm just so nervous about what he's going to do next. He will definitely want access (even though when he gets it he doesn't turn up!)

I think I'm not going to contact him at all. If he asks for contact with DD I'll have to revisit issue but at the moment I am burying head in sand and hoping he just disappears with his new GF.

OP posts:
MrsFlittersnoop · 19/04/2009 22:37

Texting?
Facebook?

I CANNOT believe posters are seriously suggesting you sort this out via fucking FACEBOOK?

You need to go for family mediation ASAP.

You are all grown adults with children to care for, not teenagers squabbling in the playgound.

Original poster
Paranoidornot · 19/04/2009 22:40

How do you arrange mediation?

I think someone said through your solicitor? I'm not keen only because he still owes me £900 from our divorce costs and I'm not sure I can afford to lose anymore money

OP posts:
blossomsmine · 19/04/2009 22:43

This is going to tear you up inside if you are not careful. All this trouble with ex and the problems with money and your dd, and thats without mentioning the new partner your exdh has!

Believe me, i have been there and done that, and it is horrible having all these feelings of hate because of the way he lets your dd down, frustration cos you can't do or make him do what you want him to do.....god its horrible.

I feel for you i really do.....

You will always have to explain to your dd where her daddy is and why he doesn't see her, mine are grown up now and my exdh showed his face when they both left school. The nightmare began again....

I do know that it doesn't have to be like that though, from friends experiences, but it is tough and takes a lot of patience and adults behaving like adults!

Good luckx

mrsjammi · 19/04/2009 22:48

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Nighbynight · 19/04/2009 23:08

Listen to mrsjammi, she speaks sense.

Say as little as possible, especially on facebook, its undignified

try to keep contact going (you are in this for the long term - your dd will have an opinion about this one day, and you want it to be in your favour...), and dont waste your emotion getting angry at your ex when he lets dd down.
instead, try not to make a big thing out of it, so that she doesnt get too upset.

your reward - the moral high ground.
Sorry that you are in this mess, it sounds very upsetting.

Sorrento · 19/04/2009 23:31

I would sit back and wait for him to make contact, block her from facebook if you must keep the account, do not contact her again at all, this is nothing to do with her and she'll get you into trouble, have seen this first hand.

At the moment they are behaving like prats, keep the texts and emails in case you need them for evidence.

And then do nothing at all, let him do the running to see his child, you're not stopping him but you're not going to be led a dance either.

Simplysally · 19/04/2009 23:40

Keep a diary of when he failed to see your dd on arranged contact dates as that could be invaluable in mediation/access actions. It's your dd's right to see her father, not the other way around. he can ask but it has to suit the child.

Don't get drawn into debates on FB or via emails if possible.

SparklingSarah · 20/04/2009 00:25

seriously grow up! you cannot lord it over anyone whilst arguing via a website.

you will be expected to go to mediation to organise contact.

set him a day and time and that's it.

Tortington · 20/04/2009 00:42

i'd get a cheap disposible phone just for the ex to use for contact purposes.

I would keep the text - i might even reply, "thanks for putting your views in writing!"

duh!