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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have asked H to leave after he kicked out DS?(long)

41 replies

purepurple · 19/04/2009 09:12

Bit of background
Was our 22nd wedding anniversary yesterday and I think I have just ended our marriage.
Thursday our 19 year old DS was brought home by the police after being seen walking into the sea. He was drunk and had thrown away all his possesions mobile/house and car keys/ wallet/i-pod.
This was a shock to me, he says he has no friends and everyone bullies him. I am trying to be supportive as he clearly needs support and not judging.
DH, thinks he needs to pull him self together and yesterday told him to leave. I knew nothing about this till DD told me.
So, DH is moody and miserable (as per normal), I am beside myself thinking all sorts about DS, will he try to take his own life? I have suffered 2 close bereavements so you can imagine my anguish, not knowing.
DH comes back from the pub and then tells me he has kicked DS out. I tell him it's not his decision to make.
He says he can't live like this so I tell him to pack a bag and leave.
He does. I feel relieved he is not here as I find it hard to cope with his sullen, sulky moods.
I feel as if my world had turned upside down but I am shocked by DH's attitude to our DS.
The thing is I feel weirdly calm and haven't cried and don't regret asking him to leave.
I don't think I am being unreasonable to expect a father to show some compassion and support to their own child when they need it most.

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 19/04/2009 09:15

Your poor ds! How is he now??

I am not surprised you are angry with dh, it sounds like you reacted in the heat of the moment too. He clearly has problems with compassion.

Is there a chance the 2 of you could sit down and talk about how you can help/get some help for you son?

StewieGriffinsMom · 19/04/2009 09:15

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TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 19/04/2009 09:16

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Monkeyandbooba · 19/04/2009 09:16

Poor you (and DS) - No advice but didn't want this to go unasnwered, bumping for someone more informed than me.

For what its worth i think you are right and your DS does need masses of support at a clearly difficult time.

Original poster
purepurple · 19/04/2009 09:20

DS came back last night, he had been for a drive, not having anywhere else to go. Thank god.
We really do need to talk, DH is coming back later, his car and all his stuff are still here.
I am steeling myself.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/04/2009 09:20

Quite agree with the others, you can't kick out a vulnerable teen at such a time and you definitely can't kick them out without it being a mutual decision. Hope your ds is soon home where he belongs.

tribpot · 19/04/2009 09:21

Ah cross-posts. Glad he is home. FWIW it sounds like it would be better for both ds and you if DH were to move out for the time being.

apostrophe · 19/04/2009 09:25

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sdr · 19/04/2009 09:27

You did the right thing. The best solution is for both you and DH to jointly provide DS with the support he needs. Is there another family member who could talk to DH as even if he is not in the family home, he can help? You need to focus right now on DS.

tessofthedurbervilles · 19/04/2009 09:29

Sorry to hear about this, I hope you are OK.
Not an expert but think dh needs to get informed on mental illness and depression as he clearly has the 'pull yourself together and be a man' approach to it. which can be a disaster as people with mental illness do not react to that method as a rule.
Can you get your ds to a dr and get appropriate referral routes through the mental health service. Family support is one thing but you need to get some professional support. Keeping your dh involved in the process might help him to understand more about mental illness and be less judgemental.
Your reaction to the situation is normal, you are in shock and your body and mind just ddon't know where to start processing the events and your reaction to the situation.

Original poster
purepurple · 19/04/2009 09:29

TBH, I think he has problems with compassion and recognising other people's feelings.
I am still upset that when my mum died, he said that people die every day. That was 10 years ago.
A little part of me wants to say that to him when his mum dies. But I wouldn't, I couldn't be so cruel.

OP posts:
SammyK · 19/04/2009 09:30

Can't believe he told his son who had just tried to end his life ton get out! Is he always such a knob?

Your poor son, staistically young men are a lot more vulnerable in terms of depression and suicide. Probably due to not feeling they can talk about it, you being there for him will really help. I would take him to the GPs on Monday morning ask about accessing councelling as well as ADs so he has someone else outdie the faily to talk to.

Lovemyshoes · 19/04/2009 09:31

purepurple, I'm sorry I don't have anything worthwhile to say, but I didn't want to leave and not post anything.

Your head must be all over the place what with your dh,ds and close bereavements etc. Its natural that you are going to try everything to help your ds, but don't forget about yourself, you need to look after yourself too, so, when you can, relax and do something for you like curl up with a glass of wine and read, have a long bath, early nights etc

Take care.

Original poster
purepurple · 19/04/2009 09:33

Tess, I have asked DS to come and see the doctor with me, but he is very resistant.
I was on the laptop yesterday and DH asked what i was doing, I said looking up depression. He just shook his head and walked off.
We don't have any family members near us. they are all 200 miles away.
I have never felt so alone.

OP posts:
Lovemyshoes · 19/04/2009 09:35

where abouts are you purepurple?

Original poster
purepurple · 19/04/2009 09:36

near blackpool

OP posts:
sdr · 19/04/2009 09:43

Your DS will be resistant to seeing the Doctor - that's males for you. I was still taking my DB to the doctor when he was 25! Just go ahead and organise the appmt and hopefully he'll come as it's a done deal. If not then your doctor can help with the next steps.

ingles2 · 19/04/2009 09:51

what a horrible situation to find yourself in purple.
Fwiw I think you have done the right thing re: dh and I would have done exactly the same.
Can you contact dh's family to explain the situation? I imagine they would be as horrified by your dh's attitude and it may have more weight if he hears it from the outside. You say your dh is moody and miserable, does he suffer from depression?

tessofthedurbervilles · 19/04/2009 09:52

Depression is an illness and 1 in 4 people suffer from mental health issues at some point in their lives. For some reason we are all happy to discuss other medical ailments quite openly with one another but shy away from talk of mental illness.
Think of your son as being at the top of slide...he has a choice to seek help and use medical professionals to get him well....or he can get on the slide down and it will be harder for him to grab something to stop the fall.
Not sure how best you can get across to your son the importance of him getting help but would 'son I am sure you are fine but as your mum I am worried please just humour me and come to the drs if for no other reason than to put your old mothers mind at rest?' work?
The problem with mental illness and depression is that the sufferer needs to ask for help (unless they are sectioned) and be willing to accept help - which is hard when often it is the last thing that person wants to do. I hope you will all be ok but keep posting on here...this site has been a complete life saver for me x

BottySpottom · 19/04/2009 09:56

No, YANBU! Sorry, but what a knob. I really don't think he could have thought up a more inappropriate reaction if he had tried.

Well done for sticking by your son - you're doing exactly the right thing. Try to get him to a Dr.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 19/04/2009 09:59

there is an excellent mental health assessment centre about 50 minutes from blackpool, called the hesketh centre. i don't know if there is one nearer to you/

i am sorry you are going through this

your son sounds in a bad way and your H seems to have no understanding of this

giraffesCantRunA10k · 19/04/2009 10:04

You did the right thing. Your son needs your support and prefessional help.

Original poster
purepurple · 19/04/2009 10:06

Ingles, I don't know if my DH has depression, I know we haven't had sex for a few weeks and that makes hin moody and bad tempered. It's a vicious circle, he gets grumpy and snappy, which makes me not want to have sex with him. He practically ignores me all day then expects a shag when we go to bed.
His whole attitude is pissing me off at the moment.
Yesterday he took me to buy some bedding plants, as we are selling the house and have a viewing next week.
At the garden centre he starts looking for pots and hanging baskets. He gets all moody when I say he is confusing me (bearing in mind, that I am still coming to terms with what is happening to our DS and not really able to concentrate on gardening).
So we agree to just get bedding plants, which I choose, when I ask for help, I just get the whatever reply.
He picks up some hanging baskets and compost.
Back home, I am planting out the plants, he is sat out the back drinking beer.
He brings the baskets out front, and I tell him I didn't get any plants for them.
He shouts at me "What did I buy them for then"
I don't like arguing, so I just get on with the planting, saying "I don't know"
He shouts "I don't know what's going on his head, I don't know waht's going on in your head" and storms off.
Cue moody, sullen, miserable, non-talking mood.
He leaves, without telling me where he is going, he ignores my calls. (He has gone to the pub, is my guess)
He ia an arse.

OP posts:
LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 19/04/2009 10:08

sounds thoroughly unsupportive and unempathetic

smudgethepuppydog · 19/04/2009 10:12

Look at Youngminds.org.uk they have some useful info.

Your husband's reaction to his son's plight isn't nice but it's not unusual either, has he come back to speak to you about it yet?