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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU 'I feel sorry for you' for having multiple children. Well I feel sorry for you IN GENERAL YOU PATRONISING BUGGER!

75 replies

whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2009 22:18

Attention shop staff, particularly those of you who work in M&S. It is never helpful to say to a mum who is pushing a buggy with a baby and busy coping with a toddler in a backpack that you feel sorry for them.

Yes I am strong to be able to carry a toddler round, yes it is tiring, yes it does keep me fit. Any more questions? Any original questions at all? No, right I'll be on my way then

'You have a lot on your plate'. Well actually no I don't, I have a lot less on my plate than you apparently, which would explain the fact that my bum is quite small.

'Gosh you are a glutton for punishment aren't you?' No. Not really, I like my children. They are brilliant fun and I'm glad they don't just sit in stony silence, never asking questions or engaging in life. And frankly talking to them is a lot more mentally challenging than hearing about how 'my children walked everywhere' (yeah DD walks for about an hour a day but frankly I think it's a bit off to make a two year old walk that second hour if she's dog tired).

Honestly, I might be having a hard time, I might be having a brilliant time but one thing is for your it's no help to be pitied!

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OP posts:
juuule · 18/04/2009 22:33

I think it's just people acknowledging that children can be hard work at times. Multiply that by the number of young children that you have with you at the time..... As long as it's not said in a nasty way then I think it's quite nice when people stop to chat/comment. I think some people are just trying to be supportive in a way.

lockets · 18/04/2009 22:34

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screamingabdab · 18/04/2009 22:35

thumbwitch Exactly my thoughts - at least they try and interact with you at M&S.

Actually, though I have 2Ds myself, 2 and a bit years apart, I do look at people with babies and toddlers and think "bloody hell, poor cow, how on earth did I manage that?" - EVEN THOUGH, I love them, they are/were great fun etc etc

whomovedmychocolate are you sure you are not in denial at how crappy it is, and this shop assistants well-meant comments have touched a nerve?

ChocFudgeCake · 18/04/2009 22:35

Now that I'm pregnant (have 2 DSs) someone thought useful to came and tell me the "sad" story of a family with 3 children whose parents couldn't afford a bike for each so they grew up to be miserable adults and one day one of them actually asked the parents why they had 3 if they couldn't "afford" them .

juuule · 18/04/2009 22:36

Lockets - Me too.

Original poster
whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2009 22:37

Exactly thisisyesterday - there is one member of staff in there who always says hello and she always says hello to the kids and quite often says 'that's a lovely dress/dolly/biscuit stain' etc. to DD.

I had a man once stare at us for half an hour (was getting quite cross actually) before coming over and saying 'sorry I was staring, we're having a baby and I was watching how you coped with more than one, you just seem to be doing so much at once'. Now that was lovely, we had a nice chat for about ten minutes about the delights of first time parenthood.

I don't think it's anyone's sodding business how many children you have either. Although I find 'do you think it's polite to be commenting on my sex life in front of children?' would be a good response.

OP posts:
chegirl · 18/04/2009 22:38

Like locket I thought you were going to say you had loads of kids.

Having a toddler and a baby is not exactly unusual unless you live in China I suppose.

Why on earth would anyone want to make comments like that?

Ignore them. I dont think they are trying to be rude but it can be pretty annoying. Some people just feel the need to say something.

I wouldnt of carried any of my toddlers in a backpack though - great big hefters and I am a wimp. So I just may have thought 'blimey that looks hard work' but not in a mean way.

blueshoes · 18/04/2009 22:40

I am not sure I agree that 2 children is 'multiple' in the ordinary sense. I have 2 and it is more work than one but not really that hard. I sure don't get the 'a lot on my plate' or 'I feel sorry' or 'glutton for punishment'.

OP, I don't understand why you get those comments at all.

Original poster
whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2009 22:43

screamingabdab yes it's crappy that I get to go eat cake and drink coffee in M&S twice a week . Tragic really!

It's just every sodding time and it really annoys me. I have this vast sarcastic streak which just cries out to reply 'you serve teeny tiny biscuits with cups of coffee for a living' in reply, which is very unkind and I don't want to be horrid and say it. But it's just sort of bubbling under unspoken.

Oh and chegirl - I was 30lbs heavier before I carried DD, so really I'm just carrying the same weight as I was before, but not on my bum

OP posts:
Original poster
whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2009 22:45

Lockets - if they said that I'd probably laugh. Actually a very posh bloke did once walk into a restaurant we were all in (the kids were behaving impeccably - in fact both of them were conked out in their high chairs) and he said 'urgh children' and asked to be moved.

Now that made me laugh so hard I almost wet myself

OP posts:
chegirl · 18/04/2009 22:47

I have always kept my kids strapped in their buggies for as long as possible.Like my kids to be firmly contained due to their horrible behaviour . Never got on with slings/backpacks. I am far to lazy and there is nowhere to hang your shopping.

Proper earth mother me

thisisyesterday · 18/04/2009 22:48

it might be true lockets, but it does still have a negative slant.
of all the many things they could possibly comment on people do tend to zone in on the whole "omg that's SUCH hard work, you poor poor woman"
when I am actually thinking well, it's not like it just happened to me. I did choose to have these children, cos, despite everything I quite like them actually.

and when you get it all the time it does just get a bit tiring.

whomoved... don't worry though, it helps when your eldest reaches 4 and cannot shut up for 1 second. then if anyone dares even look like they're about to speak to you he will just break into some long spiel about transformers and bums and how bumhead bumhead bumhead HAHAHAHAHA

then they just give you a pitying look and get away as quickly as they can

Sorrento · 18/04/2009 22:48

You have to let it wash over you, we were out today and DH got, you poor bugger all those girls, looking at me and 3 DD's. To which DH says well I always was a ladies man, but it gets up my nose

thisisyesterday · 18/04/2009 22:49

pmsl at "urgh children"

Sorrento · 18/04/2009 22:51

Do you think it's because in maybe our grandmothers day they didn't choose to have the children and everytime his lordship wanted a fumble they got pregnant and so that attitude is still there in ladies of a certain age, who do tend to work in M&S ?

lockets · 18/04/2009 22:52

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Original poster
whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2009 22:53

Chegirl - there is - mine has a big pocket at the bottom. Today we were festooned with balloons providing by the CAB when we went past, we had newspapers stuffed in the back, Miss Hooley (from Balamory) in the side pocket, and a bottle of rioja down one of the drinks holders (a sippy in the other).

Aside from the risk DD will put her hands over my eyes so I can't see, there is very little risk of bad behaviour. She's strapped in. If she starts to have a strop I can't see her so she gets no reaction, so she gives up. Tis marvellous. Mind you I do stop outside shop windows so I can watch her when she gets in a snit. Helps me mark her tantrum out of ten

OP posts:
jerin · 18/04/2009 22:54

I cant wait - I've not managed to get out yet but have an 18 month old DS and 13 week old DTs. Did have loads of OMG are you mad, how will you cope remarks when I was pregnant. Wanted 2nd child - was blessed with twins. Only one person was actually positive when they found out I was having twins. Most asked if I was mad. I used to want to reply that we were gonna give one away once they arrived.

SuziSeis · 18/04/2009 22:55

i would take it as a compliment

i WANT people to say it!

Original poster
whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2009 22:56

jerin - what a joy to have twins - good for you! I always wanted twins.

Be prepared for everyone saying 'ooh wait till they are two, double trouble' though.

OP posts:
lockets · 18/04/2009 22:58

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SuziSeis · 18/04/2009 22:59

Lockets

tbh dont care if the drift is 'wouldn't wanna be in your shoes'

I LIKE my shoes and love being in them

monkeypinkmonkey · 18/04/2009 23:03

I don't have multiples but when my Ds (3) decides he's not walking putting him on my sholders is easiest thing to do and HOW many comments do I get???
However, I think people do try and be friendly but dont necessarily realise what it is they are saying.

BeehiveBaby · 18/04/2009 23:08

It is definitely the backpack thing, I get it all the time with just two when babywearing and pushing at the same time.

chegirl · 18/04/2009 23:50

Backpack sounds more fun than the horrible double buggy I had. It was one of those long ones. All the rage 15 years ago. You had to put the older kid in the front. MY DD was a big chunky (but extrordinaly beautiful and wonderful) toddler. It made it impossible to steer and you had to jump UP in the air and down onto the handles to get it up kerbs.

When DS got a bit bigger he used to pull her hair or moan that it was 'touching meeeee!' She had big mad hair.

Oh I am getting all teary now

How I miss her.

Sorry