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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it really odd how families workout their money, desperate to keep it to themseleves

78 replies

BodyBagEgg · 18/04/2009 21:48

i find it very odd familes all keeping their money seperate and to themselves.

your either in it together or not imo.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 18/04/2009 22:43

When one partner tries to control expenditure and complains about every little penny spent on things non-essential, despite the fact that both partners are earning similar amounts and the family is comfortably well off, then I think it is quite reasonable to have separate bank accounts, with a joint account that both pay into, out of which all household etc. bills are paid.

I have zero intention of being accountable for every blasted penny I spend to my DH.

Original poster
BodyBagEgg · 18/04/2009 22:59

well i believe in my solemn vows

for better, for worse
for richer, for poorer
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part

and importantly
all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you

all this, this is mine, this is yours, these children get this this child gets that, which you se on here day in day out.
makes me wonder about today human race to be honest.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 18/04/2009 23:02

That must make you a better person then, bodybag.

girlandboy · 18/04/2009 23:10

Can't see what having more than one bank account has to do with my wedding day vows BodyBag.

Original poster
BodyBagEgg · 18/04/2009 23:11

errr, how about the fact you vow to share your life and all you have

OP posts:
merlinthehappypig · 18/04/2009 23:12

I have 2 friends who have both had good jobs and got pregnant and when they've been on maternity leave (for a year) their husbands have given them no money at all. They had their own accounts before the baby and obviously post baby the husbands have paid the bills/mortgage but given their wives nothing towards food shopping/general baby shopping etc. The women have had to use their personal savings to make up the shortfall. I think thats seriously fucked up but they seemed to think it's OK.

MillyR · 18/04/2009 23:14

It isn't compulsory to make those vows in the marriage ceremony; I didn't.

Sorrento · 18/04/2009 23:15

I know a few people like that merlin, they live with the father of their children and yet those very children cost the men nothing at all.
Which is very dangerous in a divorce situation because whilst the wives are feeding and clothing the children with her money, the husbands are buying assets which he can claim she has had no bearing on whatsoever.
So have three accounts one for all bills, including nappies and kids shoes and then one each for your pensions, shares portfolio whatever.

MollieO · 18/04/2009 23:16

My parents were together for 50 years and married for 45. They never had joint bank accounts and I never felt that I wasn't part of a family. What an odd OP.

girlandboy · 18/04/2009 23:24

Dh and I do share our lives and all we have thanks. It's just that the wages go to two banks and not one.

He uses my money (usually for ebay ) if he wants, and leaves his cash round the house for me to use if I want.

We have just never bothered to get a joint account.

Does this make my wedding vows less valid than yours? Am I less married than you?

sprogger · 18/04/2009 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 18/04/2009 23:33

MollieO - ditto, although for a few less years - Mum died when they had been married 42 years or it would still be the same situation.

Actually I think it is valid to have separate accounts as well when one partner is pathologically incapable of looking after money properly - e.g. gambling/drug addiction would be an extreme case - if you want to have money to pay the bills/feed the family etc., it has to be protected from the spendthrift who squanders it all.

BBE - you are sounding as though you are the only person who has the right attitude in your eyes - can't you see that other people have perfectly good working financial arrangements within their own framework for happy marriages?

FAQinglovely · 18/04/2009 23:38

"errr, how about the fact you vow to share your life and all you hav"

and does having seperate accounts stop that happening???

Original poster
BodyBagEgg · 18/04/2009 23:59

it doesn't matter if there are 10 accounts and it's all shared, i'm talking about familes where the money is totally unequal even between the children.

well I find it very odd.

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 19/04/2009 00:03

ahhh I think I get it - this is a thread about a thread yes??

thumbwitch · 19/04/2009 00:06

in that case BBE you should have been clearer in your op.

scottishmummy · 19/04/2009 00:08

i made no vows.mine is mine his is his

i earn my money
he earns his money
have absolutley no desire for our money

MrsMerryHenry · 19/04/2009 00:10

What works well for us is having a joint account and individual accounts. So we get the best of both worlds.

Well...we got. Now I earn pennies so my indiv a/c is always empty .

MrsMerryHenry · 19/04/2009 00:13

thumbwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!

thumbwitch · 19/04/2009 00:15

mrsMH! How are you?
Yes, that's what we have too. Definitely best working option for us.

MollieO · 19/04/2009 00:15

Now I really don't understand. Why would money be equal between children unless they were the same age? I always had less pocket money than my older brother. Pretty normal. My mum only worked part time until I went to grammar school and always earned less than my father.

JacquelineBouvier · 19/04/2009 00:16

I got married because i loved him, i agreed to take his name, don't remember agreeing to take his bank account number too.

we have always had our own accounts plus a joint account for bills. he now pays all bills (To my chagrin!) and i pay nursery bills and the money left over from my wages is mine. yes mine, to spend on any thing i like.

dh always said that if i didn't want to earn any money after giving birth then he would pay for me but i declined. i never saw marriage as meaning that any money we earned was "ours", or as an excuse to give up and not work. We are still separate people with our own money.

Quattrocento · 19/04/2009 00:20

Oh I recall the thread that this is all about. It's a blended family scenario - with his and hers children. One exh pays maintenance for his children, and the wife was taking umbrage because her current partner treats it as money for the entire new family.

It's interesting if you flip it round though - what about a scenario where your ex spends all the maintenance on new man his children and your children go without coats, for instance ...

MrsMerryHenry · 19/04/2009 00:20

Not bad, thumbs, not bad at all. Plaiting my hair before bedtime. My poor lovely DS had a big fall today, though . He cried for ages so I cheered him up with cuddles and kisses, followed by his fave progs and sausages for dinner!

So we're money twins, I see?!

thumbwitch · 19/04/2009 00:30

looks like it MrsMH - great minds and all that!
Poor DS though - has he got a big bruise? my DS bruises dreadfully - every night at bathtime I find new ones, he's shockingly fair skinned, like me (I bruise loads as well) - so I am reminded of every fall for days while the bumps and bruises fade...