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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think he is not telling the truth..and to think he must think I am really stupid to believe him?

75 replies

ishetellingthetruth · 17/04/2009 19:05

Long story short:

Dh went out last night for a meal with his mates as one of them is moving away next week.

Before he left I said I'd probably be in bed when he got home as not feeling that great.

Anyway, he came home earlier than expected and I was still up. So we were just chatting about his evening and half watching the tv, when a reminder flashed up, for a porn film which was about to start on another channel (obviously porn from the title)

I said whats that, and he mumbled nothing and said his foot had caught the remote control and then we had a discussion where in the end I got the remote to see what had been set as a reminder, and yes, there is a porn film set to start at 11pm last night. He completely looked me in the eye and denied it wasn't him.

So after another 'discussion' he finally said, yes alright it was him, but he only set it as a joke for me..that I would be watching tv on my own as he would be out and it would be funny if a porn film started.

Anyway he now won't budge from this story and I am really pi**ed of that he is lying. I KNOW he is lying, why would anyone set a porn film to come on as a 'joke' to their wife? Especially when I had already said I would probably have an early night??

Haven't even addressed the whole porn issue in my head yet, still stuck on the lying. We have been together 6 years and until now he has never mentioned porn, I've never seen him read it or watch it before.

So IABU to think he is lying? And that really he thought he'd come home from his meal, I'd be in bed and that he could watch it? And what does that say about our relationship?

OP posts:

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 17/04/2009 20:05

DH doesn't watch porn

bohemianbint · 17/04/2009 20:06

ishetelling - no one looks like the women in porn films! Well, most people don't anyway, it's all a bit of unreality, and probably not a reality most men would actually choose if offered to them, IYSWIM. It's quite normal to feel a bit crappy after having a baby, maybe it's more about that, but I wouldn't assume that your DP wanting to watch porn is a rejection of you, or a reflection of anything.

junglist1 · 17/04/2009 20:07

I don't think it's that you're not enough at all, please don't think that. You are real, his babymum, if he had to choose between you and porn of course he'd choose you!
I think if you sit him down he could reassure you. It's such a common thing for men to watch porn, it doesn't mean anything against you. Funnily enough, I'm anti facebook because you talk to real women on there, yet I don't mind porn! Each to their own, I suppose.
With regards to the lying, he was probably embarrased and didn't want to upset you.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 17/04/2009 20:09

Agree with Gentle that the porn on TV is very lightweight.

I really think you should work out for yourself why you don't like it and what you want to happen before you tackle him on the subject.

Thunderduck · 17/04/2009 20:14

I think tv porn is hysterically funny. The lines, sets and music are so awful. I realise that isn't the point but still...

Nancy66 · 17/04/2009 20:14

I can actually see my DP's copy of 'spunky birthday' from where I'm sitting.

Just makes me laugh and think 'what a tosser' - literally.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 17/04/2009 20:16

I don't like the internet sites where it's all clips. Somehow I miss the build-up, as appallingly acted as it always is...

ab79 · 17/04/2009 20:20

It's always a shock when you think you know someone and then you find out something about them you would have never imagined.

But I'm sure this will all blow over, it's just another relationship hurdle to jump it would be boring if we were all predictable.

CountessPhoenix4725 · 17/04/2009 20:26

lying yeah i would be ross , but porn does not bother me hell we been known to watch together id be mor elike hmm flying solo tonight then was we and ib him about it a lot

RumourOfAHurricane · 17/04/2009 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ishetellingthetruth · 18/04/2009 18:29

Diamond..it is true thanks very much

OP posts:

honie · 19/04/2009 17:48

be a little wary, you say that in 6 years you've never discussed it so had never thought as to whether or not you find it offensive. Twist that around and he may not realsie that you would be upset etc because you have never mentioned it to him, he may see it as just a bit of private time iyswim?

They aren't that gorgeous these girls, we'ed all look pretty good with the right camera angle ;)

HecatesTwopenceworth · 19/04/2009 18:00

I know porn is a real problem for many women, but I can't help feeling sorry for the poor guy. Many people really enjoy it, and all he wanted was a bit of mindless entertainment and perhaps a little, erm, him-time. Instead, he's been backed into a corner, felt he had to lie and probably felt really embarrassed and small.

As to reminder - if he'd booked pay-per-view through Sky, it does come up as reminder when it's due to start.

Juxal · 19/04/2009 18:20

It's not personal. Loads of men like a bit of porn. It is completely irrelevant to their real life. Ignore it. Forget it. Get over it.

Original poster

ishetellingthetruth · 19/04/2009 18:23

I hear what everyone is saying and I think I'm kindof ok about the porn. But after having several discussions since then it transpires he also has some magazines under the matteress in the spare room (ffs) which include things like nuts (which I'm more upset about bizarrly), full of young women who are half my age, with flat stomachs, huge boobs etc.

Just though he was more mature, and now can't bare him near me as I'm sure he will be comparing my saggy, aging body with those in nuts.

He doesn't even buy papers which have pg3 in them...it's just NOT him...or so I thought

OP posts:

Portofino · 19/04/2009 18:34

It's not sinister honestly. Hell I was looking at some last night after DH went to bed

lilacclaire · 19/04/2009 18:41

A lot of men like to look, my dp occasionally looks at porn on the pc, mild stuff (he always forgets to delete it), I actually slagged him off it was so tame!
Personally, I like some good erotica to read.

II would never compare dp to my fantasy stuff and it is just exactly that. If he wants to compare me to the porn babes, well he'll be very disappointed !

I don't mind because I know he loves me and fancies me, just as I do him.

Are you possibly feeling a bit insecure if you've just had a baby? Maybe its because your not feeling so hot about yourself right now that its affecting you so much?

Please don't let this make you feel bad about yourself or your dh, it isnt a reflection on your sex life or your relationship.

Original poster

ishetellingthetruth · 19/04/2009 18:49

You're right lilacclaire - had ds over 3 years ago, so not a baby, but my body is nothing like it used to be despite diets and exercise.

Don't really like him looking at me at the best of times, and now since all of this, I don't want him near me full stop. If he is getting off looking at these women, then he certainly will not be happy with my body.

I can't get over how everyone on here is happy for there other half to be like this. And yes, I probably am over rereacting and over sensitive but I just feel so let down and ugly.

OP posts:

HecatesTwopenceworth · 19/04/2009 18:52

I lust after him

him

shall I go on? ...

And I'm married to him (well, not really but close enough

It's just nice to look at. Doesn't mean a thing. Doesn't mean I love my husband any less, or care any less about his feelings when I sneak a peek at some great hunk of man! I look, think "yum" and turn the page/channel/whatever.

You see what I'm saying?

lilacclaire · 19/04/2009 18:56

I bet your not half as bad as you think you are!

And is he an adonis, I bet not. My dp has put on a stone a year since we met lol but I still fancy him!

Don't be so hard on yourself, focus on your good bits and make the most of them, disguise the rest. I think men are pretty oblivious to our bumpy bits and its just us women that focus on them more!

Original poster

ishetellingthetruth · 19/04/2009 18:58

Hecate - not sure of your taste in men! But do see your point, but it doesn't change how I feel. Do you hoard these pictures under your mattress? Behind your husbands back?

And yes, both dh and I will make comments about (for example) Sawyer (me) and Kate (him) whilst we're watching Lost. But this feels different this feels....don't know actually, I guess I feel betrayed. (yes, I know, over acting..)

OP posts:

Original poster

ishetellingthetruth · 19/04/2009 18:59

over re-acting even.

OP posts:

Portofino · 19/04/2009 19:01

Ooh Hecate, a nice pic of Lennox Lewis - that has brightened my evening no end!

Honest ishe, he isn't comparing them to you and finding you wanting! It's just a man thing. You should see the women my DH has working for him. Young, thin, gorgeous, intelligent - and far too much so to find HIM a catch.

lilacclaire · 19/04/2009 19:01

I kinda had the how can you find me attractive conversation with dp when I was going through an insecure stage, basically the upshot is that he doesn't give a shit about my wobbly bits, I think most guys are the same.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 19/04/2009 19:23

No, nothing under mattress! but I am glued to the tv when they are shown, and I will sometimes google them (and more!) just cos I think they're purty. I don't tell my husband that I am going to do it. I don't tell him that I've done it. "Hello love, how was your day, btw I googled that bloke out of the Jennifer Hudson video again." That'd just be weird.

I know it's very different - a pic is not a porn film, I'm not saying it is at all, I just mean that looking is just looking. It doesn't have to mean anything.

However - you feel how you feel and that matters. If my husband said I was hurting him by looking at pics of Timberland, I'd not look. cos a pretty pic is just a pretty pic, but my husband matters.

I'm just saying that it's not a rejection of you, or reflection on you, or anything about you at all.

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