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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel bitter that my DH is redundant?

32 replies

thisweathersajoke · 16/04/2009 22:24

My lovely DH has been made redundant again for the 3rd time in one year (catering).

Our marriage feels like it is breaking under the pressure, we have a beautiful 9mth old boy who must be picking up on the vibes and i just can't get my head around whats going on.

I know it is my job to support him - and believe me I have - but this time I just feel numb and its hard to keep telling him it's not his fault, when the tiniest doubts are creeping in.....arghhh.

I have 2 part time jobs and am trying to do my bit.

Please be kind x

OP posts:
everGreensleeves · 16/04/2009 22:27

Oh no, I am so sorry you are going through this nightmare

dh has been through three redundancy "consultations" this year and got through them by the skin of his teeth, but several of his much-loved colleagues have been let go. It's so clinical, I think about what dh's company actually does for the world and it seems crazy that so much heartbreak and human disaster can be worth it.

Don't be hard on yourself about your feelings, you're in shock too - perfectly legitimately - so you're bound to feel numb/angry.

So sorry for you both

trixymalixy · 16/04/2009 22:51

YANBU, it's such a horrible thing to go through.

I am also being made redundant and feel extremely bitter about it as it is purely down to fat cats running a business using their ego rather than their brain.

i can't imagine it happening 3 times in one year though .

FairyMum · 16/04/2009 22:52

I work with someone who has just been made redundant for the 5th time in 2 years. He is brilliant though. Sadly it has nothing to do with how good you are anymore. Its pretty random in most industries and affects everyone. Very stressful

Mamazon · 16/04/2009 22:53

YANBU.

Dp was made redundant 3 weeks ago. he was made redundant from his previous job as well so he took this one a little more personally.

sorry your going through this

treedelivery · 16/04/2009 22:55

My dh was made very very suddenly redundant in Nov. Just told go home, and not paid.

I was very very bitter - but now I have a new born so I have to time. I still am, but I haven't the energy you know?

DH is in bits - he is fuming inside. It's awful, negative energy.

YANBU at all - but you, me and my dh are going to have to get our bitterness neutralised or the bastards have really screwed us over. And we just can't let that happen.

Big 'I hear ya' from me!

Sorrento · 16/04/2009 22:58

It is very very hard, my DH is the most brilliant man, wonderful at his job, genuinely tries to develop people and help them in their careers, well liked by peers and superiors and yet keeps coming 2nd at interviews since his redundancy, am tempted to tell him to act a right bastard at his next interview see if that gets him further

I'd just say please be positive and supportive, you don't want him looking back at this time and remembering that you weren't. In the meantime come on here and rant away.

golds · 16/04/2009 22:59

My dh got told that him and 40 others are being made redundant. He is currently half way through his 30 day consultation period, he will be out by end of May (after notice) I'm panicking.

I hope something turns up soon, for your Dh. mine and all others.

trixymalixy · 16/04/2009 23:03

It is such a hard time. I think some companies are taking the piss and using the current climate as an excuse to ditch staff.

Please don't blame your DS thisweathersajoke he is probably blaming himself already and it'll only make things worse.

Sorrento, i thought your DH had been offered another job?

Litchick · 16/04/2009 23:07

the economy is shite. Tis not your fault or that or your other half.
Try to stay positive.
for you.

Sorrento · 16/04/2009 23:21

Dh started his new job, three days later the company went under

treedelivery · 16/04/2009 23:25

Thats shite Sorrento

trixymalixy · 16/04/2009 23:28

that must have been awful for you both Sorrento.

I hope everybody/everybody's DH finds work soon.

Sorrento · 16/04/2009 23:29

He's had so many interviews, has another on Monday, I'd love to meet the other candidates and see what they have that he hasn't
Fingers crossed the next on is the one

vezzie · 16/04/2009 23:29

thisweathersajoke, sorry and all the best to you & your dh. It will really knock your confidence but it is not his fault. So many companies are compensating for bad decisions at the top level by laying off those who did nothing wrong. My sympathies to all 3 of you. but... it is not for ever.

trixymalixy · 16/04/2009 23:49

It's good that he's getting interviews Sorrento. I'm sure the right job will come along for him.

sleeplessinstretford · 17/04/2009 00:07

i got made redundant a year and a bit ago-hated my job but had been there for a good while and it was well paid etc etc. it's a crushing blow to your self esteem-it's like being chucked with an 'it's not you it's me' speech-it's not you that we don't but the job is redundant... there's fuck all out there and a few weeks ago i was told by boots that i wasn't right for a fucking saturday job having filled in a multiple choice online questionnaire.
It's hitting many people-sit tight and fingers crossed we'll all come out of it stronger and relatively unscathed.

BodyBagEgg · 17/04/2009 00:07

hope you get some good luck soon

ChippingIn · 17/04/2009 00:21

thisweathersajoke - sorry to hear about your DH being made redundant again. Please don't let the doubt slip in, you'll regret it later. It's tough out there right now

Find a way of making the time he is around as enjoyble as possible, in no time at all he will be working all the hours god sends and you'll be complaining you and DS never see him

Sorrento

Sleepless - it's mad isn't it. A friend of mine is getting very stressed, she has been applying for anything and everything and has been turned down for very basic jobs (which spotty 14 year olds would have been the only ones prepared to do before this recession) and she is getting down to her last £ and wondering how the hell she is going to get through this. She is very lucky to have a small maisonette with no mortgage (inheritance) but there are still bills to be paid....

It's hitting almost everyone, I don't know many people who feel their jobs are secure

sleeplessinstretford · 17/04/2009 00:31

i've got two kids and a mortgage-fortunately i bought my house a long time ago when i was on my own with a kid-so it's a sort of one salary mortgage-but still-4 people living off what is half my old salary (when 2 of us used to live on it)isn't great-company car/phone etc etc gone. and there's literally fuck all out there to apply for.

Original poster
thisweathersajoke · 17/04/2009 09:35

Thank you all for your messages of support - kind of thought that i might get the ' through richer and poorer' speech!

He has gone out on an interview this morning and his old employer has offerred him another job in another dept, but as he feels that they hav screwed him over once he is not keen to go back.

TBH i have now come to the point of not even being worried that he is out of work anymore, we have faced the 'worst that can happen' and are concentrating on finding a new job - i am more concerned about the state of our marriage. The arguments are horrendous, we are screaming at each other all the time over the most ridiculous, and the most seriious stuff. We then try and reason it away by saying that we are under stress etc - but have no idea how our marriage will morph after this nightmare of a year.
It feels broken - we have seen the worst sides of each other and i know that it is supposed to make you stronger, but i don't know.....more like ripping each other apart.

I know that he feels completely shit, a failure, doesnt know which way to turn - and i am not making things any better for him - but i just seem to be on the egde all the time and have zero zero patience.

He told me that yesterday he felt like going to the doctor and breaking down - and tbh i don't blame him.

We have only been married for 13 months and it is a real baptism of fire.

To all the other posters here - I empathise with you and cannot imagine how those with a mortgage must be coping. We only rent our house so that is not an added pressure so my heart goes out to you.

I have searched for a forum to discuss redundancy and am surprised that the redundancy forum on MN is not so active - after all it seems to be happening all the time and afects the partenrs of those affected as well as those becoming out of work.
There should be support groups locally - even thought of launching one myself - as this recession might be going on for some time.

Love to all and thoughts for all of us in this shitty boat.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 17/04/2009 09:53

Thisweathers... what a difficult patch so early in your marriage. Its really difficult when something like this happens.

The company my Dh works for went into administration in Jan - so no pay for the 3 weeks he'd worked, no redundancy, no notice. He has had a couple of interviews since, but nothing yet. I am trying to keep things afloat - luckily we've got lots of work on at work and I've gone back full time for the moment, and I also do a party plan which I have been making more active - this does bring in a reasonable amount of money during a month, and, of course, it can be done largely in the evenings so dh can do the childcare.

I find the line I'm having to walk with dh is difficult - sometimes he needs a bit of a push to make him get his act in gear and get applying and put the best face on things - other times he needs emotional support as its really soul destroying trying to find a job at the moment.

I hope things improve for people soon!

CaptainRex · 17/04/2009 10:33

It really is bad out there. I was made redundant a month ago, have been for 5 job interviews and got none of them (one of them said they had 75 applicants - it was a part time job ) - the last interview I went to, told me it was between me and another candiadate but that I "didn't sell myself enough"

And today my DH goes for his "at risk" of redundancy meeting.

Its definately turning out to now be our year

sis · 17/04/2009 10:58

I'm really sorry that your DH has been made redundant - it must awful for all of you and particularly stressful for you as you are now the main breadwinner.

There are, of course, loads of people being made redundant daily but please bear in mind that if a company is a bit strapped for cash and has to make redundancies, it is likely to select people who have been with the company for a shorter period as it will cheaper (no redundancy pay until two years service. Anyone in a new job is more vulnerable than those who have been in their jobs for a longer period so keep pushing those tiniest doubts away.

trixymalixy · 17/04/2009 14:17

thisweathersajoke Dh and i argued more in our first year or so of marriage than any of the other 15 years we have been together

It is quite common even without the stress of redundancy and financial pressures so don't let the arguing get you down.

I think some of our friends thought we were going to split up in our first year of marriage, but we dind't we got through it and now have a strong, less argumentative marriage.

sleeplessinstretford · 17/04/2009 18:59

i think parenthood changes us all-i am not a man so can't speak for your dh but my friends husband was made redundant and is now a SAHD-we spend loads of time together with the kids as we live close by and they are the same age.He's spoken about how he's meant to be the man and is now a dad and he's finding himself with little or nothing to talk to Jude about let alone his mates on the few occasions he can afford to go out.
As we were debating on a thread the other day,ones job is part of ones identity in a way-and at least if you are a woman at home with kids it's less but for a man there's the added pressure of being a bit of an odd one out at toddlers plus the dynamic within the relationship-add to that the problems of the additional responsibility that people feel when they become parents/husbands it's a lot to deal with.
we bickered like FUCK last year but have realised that we do still like eachother and are comitted-you sound supportive and i really hope you do ok.
being a grown up is SHIT sometimes but hey,we all have to do it...
best of to you and yours and everyone going through this shitstorm.