Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it my anxiety coming back?

47 replies

mizz · 15/04/2009 23:08

Right going to get straight to it, i cannot stand my inlaws - FIL keeps kissing my DD and i hate it.

Its " hello DD give me a kiss" "Give me a kiss" "Give me a kiss goodbye" i mean ffs about 5 times each visit!

He came over the other day and did it again, i said " no she doesnt want to she is to old for it now" - she has just turned two. He just laughed it off and then when he was going he picked her up and said "give me a kiss goodbye" I mean FFS!! I know it's because i think his a total prat, and ive fallen out with him once before, so the releationship is strained, but..... i dont want to cause a row but its driving me nuts.

Is it just my anxiety coming back or do you think she is too old now?

Bloody fed up and can stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
Chellesgirl · 15/04/2009 23:14

Yes its your anxiety coming back, unless you suspect him of other things (youll know what I mean if your already thinking it).

My Fil kisses my dd as much as he can. Probs bout once every hour! I dont mind because I love him too and I feel its great he is bonding with her.

Does she look uncomfortable. Why dont you just say...
A kiss for when he gets to yours/or his
A kiss for Saying goodbye.

My sister always says to her dd, whenever shes done something good, 'give mommy a kiss'. Maybe this is different,bcus its her mummy but I feel as long as she doesnt feel pressured/looks like she doesnt want to, then it shouldnt be a problem.
Does he love her lots? Spoil her?

Original poster
mizz · 15/04/2009 23:25

It cuts me to say this but shes always saying "grandad" and running to the door if the door bell rings, which i HATE! I dont say anything bad about him to her i know that would be really unfair. she is always running over to him and i keep thinking fgs come away!!!!! Two yr olds dont realise the danger do they!

I also dont think there is anything dodgy in it, but then how can you ever be sure??

Look at all the people who think they can trust their hubbys etc only to find out they have been doing something awfull!

I just feel its my job to protect her so by relaxing and thinking " no its just me been ott again" i may be missing something dodgy.

Just to add im fully aware im sounding like a but job here.

OP posts:
Chellesgirl · 15/04/2009 23:40

no ur not...my grandad was the same with us when we were little. (dont want to put thoughts in ur head). We adored him...well actually my sisters adored him, i just liked his money. but children can sense things, and i sensed he wasnt a nice man.
I stopped giving him hugs when we left, and he started being mean to me because of it. I used to watch him hug my mom n squeeze her arse!! But no one else thought anything of it. I was 17 when I finally turned round and said fuck off, your a dirty old bastard. And I found out after this (as my dad blurted stuff out in an argument) that he 'loves' my mom like a girlfriend!

ChippingIn · 15/04/2009 23:41

Mizz - it definately sounds like your anxiety is coming back.

What danger 'should' she be seeing in her Grandad???

Children are so lovely and grandparents always want to have lots of kisses and cuddles - it's normal. It's lovely when the grandchildren want that too....

Please try to sort out why you don't want this normal interaction and either keep her away from him if you think he's a danger to her, or let them have a close relationship on their own terms.

Chellesgirl · 15/04/2009 23:42

An there has been follow up occurrances, with my 3 yr old cousin and him!

Chellesgirl · 15/04/2009 23:45

If you dont think theres anything dodgy in it then I would let them carry on having a lovely grandaughter-grandad relationship. Just make sure if you dont trudt him to keep them both in your sight when thier together.

Original poster
mizz · 15/04/2009 23:46

the thing is, im my OH takes over to his parents place, i feel as if i always have to be there just in case. My OH obviously thinks he dad is great, so im sure he will leave them togeher while he pops to the shop or whatever, the mom could be in the garden or where ever and something could happen!

So i always have to be there! Suppose i have to except that dont i!

OP posts:
cory · 15/04/2009 23:47

sorry, but I seemed to have missed some information here

has he abused her in the past? or else why would you be thinking about danger in this context?

if he has done something and this is what you fell out over, then I understand

if not, I'd say it is perfectly normal for grandparents to ask for kisses until the child reaches secondary school age: the idea that a 2 yo is too old would seem very odd to me and to most people I know

but I take it there is some background here?

ChippingIn · 15/04/2009 23:48

Chellesgirl - that's really sad and I am sorry for you. Why didn't your parents deal with this??

However, it doesn't make all Grandparents bad people I loved both my Grandads, very much, they always wanted lots of hugs and kisses and so did I. I miss them both very much now.

Only the people involved know what's going on and as I said, I think Mizz needs to decide whether he is a real threat or whether it's just because she hates him she doesn't like seeing her daughter being affectionate with him.

Mizz - what does your husband say about it? How is your DH's and DD's relationship?

My Ex and I didn't have children, but if we had it would have killed me seeing them being this way with my ExFIL. However, it would have only been because he was a complete wanker who made our life a misery, but I wouldn't have stopped it because I know for all of his many and varied faults he wouldn't have hurt a child.

Original poster
mizz · 15/04/2009 23:48

i think im just gonna say next time he does it "i dont mind a kiss hello or goodbye but not every 5 seconds, its a bit innapropriate now" which im sure will go down like a lead ballon, but sod it.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 15/04/2009 23:50

Chellesgirl - x-posts!! Why hasn't anyone stopped him having any contact with children???

cory · 15/04/2009 23:52

To most people, it's a bit inappropriate "now" just wouldn't make sense though, mizz (unless you are referring to some abuse perpetrated by him in the past)' afaik most people don't feel there is a reason why children should stop having lots of cuddle with close relatives when they reach 2. so be prepared to have to explain that one.

ChippingIn · 15/04/2009 23:52

Mizz - it isn't inappropriate though - either there is a danger there and you should keep her away from him, or there isn't and there isn't any reason he shouldn't kiss and cuddle her.

Please, you are going to send her mixed messages and make her life very difficult if you act like this.

Chellesgirl · 15/04/2009 23:54

No i know it doesnt make all grandparents awful..I absolutely love my dd's grandparents (my mil and Fil). They are great.

Thats the problem...my parents never talked about it. My dad never helped my mum, and no one ever stuck up for me at my grandads house, because they were always scared of what hed say. Me personally - I didnt care. I aint gonna let him abuse me!
My nan and great nan both know what hes done and what hes like. My nans still with him...my great nan hates him (and she loves me)

My relationships with the male side of my family have never really flourished because of this. My mum n dad are divorced now, and so that dont help with the trust issues.

Also my dads dad is 'secretly' Gay, as my mums brother caught him in safeways toilets snoggin the face off a man when he was 60! And my nan dont know a thing, nor my dad!

Original poster
mizz · 15/04/2009 23:55

No his never done anything untoward, i fell out with him for other reasons ages ago, because i thought he was a rude pratt but thats a whole other thread lol.

I know its daft to say "shes to old now" when shes two, its pathetic really, but i thought maybe if i said that he would take the hint and stop, then i would feel better.

Thus avoiding the real issue - which i guess is me.

Ive never been abused, but i also dont have a very high opinion of men, maybe this is why my thinking is wonky.

OP posts:
Clement · 15/04/2009 23:57

explain your concerns more clearly please. am i not supposed to kiss my daughter whenever i get the chance as she is now 5?

Original poster
mizz · 15/04/2009 23:59

Im just constantly thinking "what if, just incase" the last thing i want to do is have an effect of my DD, which unless i address this it will wont it.

OP posts:
Chellesgirl · 16/04/2009 00:00

Chippingin....Cause my nan 'dont want to split the family up' ! ffs! Shes such a bad role model- although I will love her dearly until my dying day as shes such a lovely person, and cuddly!

I want to say something, but dont have hard evidence, and these days, its like you need actual footage for them to believe you.

Mizz- if you carnt see other signs such as him 'squeezing' her sides whe he kisses her. I know it sounds horrid, but its a good tell tale sign, then i wouldnt be too worried.
Id work on you and him getting your relationship back on the right track and then maybe youll feel better about it all.

cory · 16/04/2009 00:01

Well, if there is no genuine fear of danger, then I'm afraid I don't think you have a right to control your dd's relationships with one of her closest relatives to the extent of deciding how often she may cuddle him.

(I hated it when my Mum wanted to get me on her side in her fallings-out with my gran. She may have been her totally obnoxious MIL, I don't deny it, but she was my Gran. I felt my feelings deserved as much consideration as anybody else's).

Also, your dd may end up very confused if you tell her that cuddles are inappropriate.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 16/04/2009 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LissyGlitter · 16/04/2009 00:03

Kissing and cuddling is all completely normal-what would be weirder would be if he didn't want physical contact with her...my dad knows a man who refuses to bath his daughters in case anyone gets the wrong idea-thats the sign of a man who doesn't trust himself!

Everyone is my family is always kissing, cuddling, tickling and playing with my dd and she loves it!

You need councilling to work out why you are so uneasy round men to make sure you don't pass it on to your dd.

Original poster
mizz · 16/04/2009 00:05

no need to be rude luv calm down!

OP posts:
Chellesgirl · 16/04/2009 00:05

Look at the relationship he has with his wife. Is this a good one? If it is, and he is kind towards her, then Id leave it. She needs her grandad and nanna.

pastapestofor6 · 16/04/2009 00:06

agree with reality im afraid...mizz you need to get a grip seriously...he is her grandad...not the next door neighbour

Original poster
mizz · 16/04/2009 00:09

ok thanks for the replys

some of them

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread