is it my anxiety coming back?

[mizz]

Right going to get straight to it, i cannot stand my inlaws - FIL keeps kissing my DD and i hate it.

Its " hello DD give me a kiss" "Give me a kiss" "Give me a kiss goodbye" i mean ffs about 5 times each visit!

He came over the other day and did it again, i said " no she doesnt want to she is to old for it now" - she has just turned two. He just laughed it off and then when he was going he picked her up and said "give me a kiss goodbye" I mean FFS!! I know it's because i think his a total prat, and ive fallen out with him once before, so the releationship is strained, but..... i dont want to cause a row but its driving me nuts.

Is it just my anxiety coming back or do you think she is too old now?

Bloody fed up and can stop thinking about it.

"It cuts me to say this but shes always saying "grandad" and running to the door if the door bell rings, which i HATE!"

I think weve found our answer mizz.

my 3yr old cus, dont even bat an eye lid when her/my grandad comes in the room. She seems to go off and play. When she does go near him shes normally taking the piss out of him saying 'grandad your such a moaner'.

Shes too young to understand what 'happened' between him and her in the bathroom one day.
all because my nan left her with him for half an hour.
She came back home saying 'ive seen grandads willy'

My thoughts exactly Chelles,op are you thanking those who didnt disagree with you

No im thanking everyone who replyed regardless of point of view, without daft name calling!

bfn

Chellesgirl you have a wise head on young shoulders - probably had to have I guess!! I'm happy for you that you have a great set of PIL's Can I ask, what did you mean about squeezing at the sides when he kisses her?

Reality , Pastapestofor6... Mizz was asking for help. You aren't being very nice and yes, maybe posting in AIBU was not the wisest choice, but there's nothing to say you have to be mean.

I think maybe you need to think about why child abuse is the first thought that would leap into your head when you dislike a man for rudeness. It is after all rather unusual: rude men are far more common on the ground than child abusers.

Have you read something that upset you? Or has someone close to you had an upsetting experience?

It is very important for your dd's development that you learn to distinguish real causes for concern from irrational fears. If she is to be safe from future abuse, she needs to know what real love and real physical affection feel like. A generalised fear of men is probably not the best way to be safe.

should have said: and there is no proven correlation between rudeness and child abuse. Many abusers are absolutely charming.

just don't talk to your FIL. I don't get on with mine, so don't see him (only about once a year even though they live near us). DS gets to see them regularly though, just can't stand FIL at all so choose not to speak to him

if he isn't doing your DD any harm though by the kissing then just make sure you're not around when it's happening. let your partner deal with it instead.

I can't believe the stuff you are coming out with, mizz!

I gave my grandad a kiss and cuddle every time I saw him until he sadly died when I was 33. Because he was a lovely man and we had a great relationship. Never any hint of anything dodgy!

Chellesgirl, while I can see in your case your grandad was definitely acting in an abusive way, you are not helping mizz by regaling her with these tales when she has admitted she has no reason to suspect her FIL of anything like this. Perhaps you should start another thread to go into these issues?

Mizz, I think you basically don't want your dd to bond with your fil because you don't like him. But that is not your dds fault!

Mizz it really is your anxiety.
I think you may need to seek help over this.
Not being smart, just saying it like I see it.

Mizz- it is understandable that you are protective over your DD BUT this situation does sound very odd considering you have absolutely no reason to think he would harm her in this way.
Why are you so concerned by this, it is normal for DGC to be kissed and cuddled by GP especially as she is so young.
I think the issues lie with you, do you worry that she may form relationships with other people and that she may love them more than you? Don't project your anxieties onto your DD, get help for them very soon before it damages your family.

It seems as though the problem you describe is more than simply anxiety.

Somehow you have sexualised what sounds like a perfectly healthy, normal relationship between your DC and her GP.

The kisses and cuddles are just a demonstration of a normal, loving relationship between your DD and her GO. There is nothing sexual to it and you seem to have no reason why you think there might be.

I wonder whether you should address your reasons for why you think it's inappropriate? They seem quite strong, and to honest completely, completely inappropriate. Regardless of what you think of her GP, he clearly loves her, she clearly loves him and you are in danger of doing some very serious long-term damage to both of them by warping their relationship in your mind.

I think you also might address your jealousy of the relationship between your DD and her GP. Just because she loves him doesn't mean she will love you any less.

How do you cope with the relationship between your DD and your DH/P? Do you have the same feelings?

No I did think that jack but Mizz was asking me how/what/when and so i answered it truthfully. I wasnt intending her to use this against her FIl, although it may happen.

Chippingin...I noticed that everytime my Grandad used to kiss my mum/cousin/sisters he would hold his hands on thier hips (you know like when you snog your bf, and he gropes your hips). It made me feel sick watching it and everytime he did it I called to my sis/cousin to come to me for any reason I could think. Obviously my mum knew what he was doing, she had it all her life, but just cant seem to say F off. She said it once when he took pictures of her breasts while out swimming (with an underwater camera).

Cory you are right...my grandad is simply very charming to everyone he meets! An act to hide his true evilness.

Mizz... does he have any grandsons? Or nephews that have had decent relationships with him? My GP never did. It was like all men were competition for him. He hated even little cousins. He only spoiled the girls.

I think the feelings your having are part of a deep underlying trust issue and maybe one with jealousy.

my dad absolutely adores all his grandchildren and kisses them all the time! They love him back, always ask for him.

It would hurt me to think that anyone could see more into it than one of those grandpas who lives for their grandchildren.

I know there would be nothing more in it as nothing has ever happened to my or my siblings to think otherwise and we are all happy to leave our children in his very safe hands.

mizz It does sound like paranoia to me I'm afraid. It's a horrible thing to face up to and it sounds like you're doing just that - you have the self-awareness to say as much, so please hang on to that fact and let your DD and Grandad enjoy each other.

I don't think that kids should be "made" to kiss or cuddle relatives more than once per visit, and not at all if it really freaks them out - my great-grandma demands constant kisses and cuddles that DD doesn't want to give and then gets ranty about it, which spoils every visit. I was made to kiss & cuddle relatives my parents didn't really get on with all the time as a kid, just to keep the peace and smooth over family relations. I was only little but I remember it made me really uncomfortable.

I'm talking about protecting kids' right to decide who can & can't be intimate with them though, rather than worries about child abuse, which is a whole different league.

Mizz I'm so sorry but it sounds like you have some really terrible anxiety. If you don't get over it you will project on to your daughter and she will get a messed up view of men.

I reakon that girls learn off their mums how to be treated by men and how to treat men. If she learns that men are all 'after one thing' she will grow up believing it to be true and then potentially will expect men to be bastards.

Then if she ends up with a bastard she will think. ah well all men are bad so might as well stick with this one as I wont find a better one.

ps I still kiss and cuddle my grandad and I am 34.

Chellesgirl - I see what you are saying now. Thank you. I am so frustrated that no-one in your family has faced up to your Grandad. Is there any chance that your niece only saw him going to the loo? (Chip says hopefully....) and honestly WTF was your Nan thinking, leaving her alone with him????

Well thats the thing. my grandad was on the loo (this was his words to my older cousin) and he left the door ajar, knowing my lil cousin was there. She walked in and he turned round and said 'look its grandads willy' and showed it her.

She then went home n told her dad who skitz at my gd. they fell out. remeber thats my gd's words. So who else knows what else happened?!