To think that if you're having problems in a relationship...

[MrsMerryHenry]

...any relationship, whether romantic or not, that the first thing you should do (before you think about ending it) is to actually work at mending things?

I am astonished by the number of times I've read an OP on MN justly complaining about their best friend, partner, etc etc, only to be advised by half the respondents that they should just ditch said relationship and look for a new one.

Surely this disposable nappy approach to relationships can't be good for the soul?

agreed

YABU - If you don't like our advice at MN, just ditch us and look for a new site, I hear Netmums is good

Gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!! NETMUMS!!! Now that IS unreasonable.

it is the pitchforks, gut reaction brigade generally speaking.

but sometimes they don't mean it, they are just saying it to be funny.

IE

"my husband didn't pass the salt when I asked him to"

"divorce the bastard"

do you see what I mean?

If only it were restricted to such silly examples, nametaken, I wouldn't worry about it. I've seen it many a time apparently as an offering of genuine advice.

Maybe it is a case of people being able to type faster than they think, and then once they see the profundity of my own wise advice it's like a beam of revelatory light striking their dulled minds.

I think some relationships can't - or shouldn't - be worked on. Generally any which involve one partner treating the other like dirt, where there is physical or eomtional abuse, or similar.

I agree some people have unreasonably idealistic views of marriage, and want to bail out at the first argument but equally I would never advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship.

I dunno, they probably just haven't thought it through properly. I know that i give advice on MN that I know for a fact I wouldn't do myself.

On the other hand, I agree with you that there are lots of people who don't make any attempt at all to fix their relationships and it's one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high. I think we've just all become more selfish, and we expect other people to be responsible for making things right, instead of working at things ourselves.

I guess it's just a lot easier to give advice than to take it.

I've certainly never told anyone on Mumsnet to break up. It's not my place to tell that to someone else. In fact, I don't think I ever give relationship advice, don't think I'm qualified really

i agree with op.
it does feel sometimes often that MN seems to advocate the LEAVE him approach.

Hatesponge, abusive relationships are a totally different kettle of fish, and not what I'm referring to here (don't really want to name specific threads for obvious MN etiquette reasons).

I agree with nametaken that it's not really our place to tell anyone to leave their partner (although again abuse is a diff kettle of fish).

on the other hand we only hear ONE side of the story here.
my dh/dp does this and this.
we don;t actually know what the op does.

no the op here obvioulsy.

Reality, I'm really, truly sorry that you went through such shit for such a long time. I grew up in a household which had a certain amount of abuse, so much so that I think if my mother had left (which I was desperate for her to do) she would probably have lived longer. So even though it took you a long time, well done for getting out and protecting yourself.

However that doesn't mean that all relationship problems are on that scale of severity. At the risk of sounding like a cheesy Hollywood movie, happiness can come from working through problems and deepening and strengthening your relationship as a consequence.

at Slarty!

can see your point reality.
good for you and great that you are in a good relationship now.

I'm not surprised it's a bugbear, Reality. It's shocking how extensively and deeply abusers can damage their partners.

can't say I've seen many threads where the majority of posters have urged an OP to boot her partner for frivolous reasons

but perhaps I have very high standards in partners (have never booted one out though)

I wish I had left 3 men much sooner. It was up to me of course but I also wish someone had told me to. People tend to be very sensitive and courteous about other people's relationships. Sometimes it is ok and right to say "leave him". Sometimes they said afterwards "thank god you finally left him" and I thought, "now you tell me!"

yo Mrs MH! How are you?
I am in general agreement with you - I call it the Cosmo(politan) syndrome.
"Are you getting the best out of your relationship? Is the sex the best ever? No? Then ditch him and find a better one!"

Mad. Disposable relationships. Not right.

Having said that, some of the wankers who seem to be involved with some MNers really do need kicking into touch ASAP. I would never advocate staying with someone abusive.

If it's just general irritation, things not working out, etc etc then I would always suggest trying to find some common ground and see whether or not there is anything salvageable.

It's tricky, isn't it?

I suppose we answer posts here and have to fill in the lack of "full" information by examining the personal experience that we have.

I always hope that the way it works for the peoplewho have asked for advice is that they are offered a range of advice and opinions and can then choose from among them. Sometimes, just getting a range of advice and opinion is even more valuable and what is needed than getting just one "good" answer. That's what I hope anyway.

It's a weird thought that people might just walk away from minor difficulties in relationships (with friends, partners, etc.) though; it would be a very strange life if you did do that.

(Btw - really good to see you. I was thinking how much I was missing your threads just yesterday. Oops. That's verging on gushing, I suspect.)

I don't see why anyone should settle for second best. If your relationship is making you unhappy you shouldn't stick around flogging a dead hourse.

By all means I think that you should try to save the relationship if you are married/living together or have children. But just because you may be in that situation doesn't mean you should force your self to stay if deep down it's not what you want.

Our values have changed and the days when the only choice women had was to marry at 18 and spend her life popping out kids and doing the dishes (nothing wrong with this if it's what you want to do and it makes you happy BTW).

We have our own money, our own careers, travel where we want when we want and do as we please. When we have all that, why we would we settle for second best in our careers.

Personally I don't believe in "there's one special person out there for each of us"... there's huundreds, if not thousands.

People evolve and our goals change, just because you are lovestruck and a perfect fit to begin with doesnt mean that you will be for the next 50 years.

What can seem like petty arguements is actually a much bigger problem that is being ignored.

Sometimes its good to leave on a high whilst you are still friends and can look back on the relationship with happy memories rather than thinking "what an aresehole".

I'm with Reality

It is shocking how many women hang around for far too long, being victimised, abused, treated like shit etc until their self-esteem is so poor they no longer have the strength to do anything about it.