To think that if you're having problems in a relationship...

[MrsMerryHenry]

...any relationship, whether romantic or not, that the first thing you should do (before you think about ending it) is to actually work at mending things?

I am astonished by the number of times I've read an OP on MN justly complaining about their best friend, partner, etc etc, only to be advised by half the respondents that they should just ditch said relationship and look for a new one.

Surely this disposable nappy approach to relationships can't be good for the soul?

I'm with Reality!!
Most of the advice to leave seems to me appropriate to the relationship!
Work at what - cowtowing and enabling a nasty selfish immature shit who makes you miserable - yes what a splendid idea - hold on a sec while I go find that stpeford wives thread that'll teach me what to do to "make my man happy" !!!!

omg i meant horse ... must get into the habit of previewing before posting

Well I have had three friendships with women where I had to drop them and it has now stopped me getting too close to women in general!

I now look for friendships where there is plenty of space as that way the friendship has more chance of surviving. If I see the person too often it just never seems to work out. I think it is what is known as overkill!

Does this strike a chord with anybody?

Maybe I am just too old to put up with draining friendships. I am 45 and a single parent and cannot cope with endless moans and draining/controlling people.

What does anybody think?

Sorry I thought we were talking about women friends not men!

If any friendship/relationship is persistently dragging you down and you cannot see it ever picking up or the communication improving then personally it is time to call it a day.

Does this make sense to others?

No, that doesn't make sense to me.

If a relationship is persistently dragging you down and you cannot see it ever picking up or the communication improving AND THAT PERSON IS THE FATER OF YOUR CHILDREN then it is NOT time to call it a day. It's a time to try and salvage your relationship.

Reality and I seem to be getting to more or less the same point from different directions.

She is likely to join the leave-him crowd because she has genuine experience of staying too long in an abusive relationship.

I otoh have only experienced one very good relationship with a partner who treats me as an equal, I saw the same relationship between my parents as I grew up and between my grandparents. Knowing what a good relationship is like I find it hard to understand why some people put up with such complete crap. I'd rather be alone.

nametaken on Thu 16-Apr-09 20:17:08

"If a relationship is persistently dragging you down and you cannot see it ever picking up or the communication improving AND THAT PERSON IS THE FATER OF YOUR CHILDREN then it is NOT time to call it a day. It's a time to try and salvage your relationship. "

and what if it can't be salvaged because one person refuses to change?

what if the children are unhappy and would rather get away?

what if the woman feels unsafe?

I do know people who have spent their entire adult life being dragged down by a miserable controlling partner who persistently refuses any help/counselling etc etc

however the money issue though?
that's a biggy

I don't think one can be too polar about this issue though - some relationships that are on the skids are there because of lethargy and lack of effort on the side of one or both partners - these ones have the potential for salvage.

Others are beyond repair because of abuses, 3rd party involvement, loss of trust/love/like/reasons to be with that person.

I disagree with Dittany on this point:
"I think in most cases the relationship is in pretty bad shape already if someone has got as far as posting about it on Mumsnet."
Sometimes having MN is a useful venting point to get the anger etc out of your system and to get more perspective on just how bad or otherwise an event has been; like Hedgewitch said, for every bad day, there are far more good ones, but we post about the bad ones and that gives a skewed impression.

Having been through a less-than-perfect relationship (so much so that I went to counselling over it), posting on Mumsnet can be a lifesaver. Hopefully not literaly... although there are plenty of threads about that as well.

It's easy to say leave him/her with one point of view/incident to go on but then had my OH posted on here as himself with my list of faults as he saw them, then people probably would have advised him to dump me. I think the best way to look at it is that you are canvassing a range of opinions which hopefully gives you a new way of looking at the issue or a new strategy for getting out safely (whatever applies). I think that there is a danger though you could pour your heart on Mumsnet instead of talking to your partner/husband/friend about what it is that is bugging you.

ah yes, SimplySally, but such is the power of MN that usually someone will tell you to bog off and TALK to the other person involved to get resolution!

I totally agree MrsMH. I have been told to leave my DP several times and whilst I acknowledge that he is a rather selfish fuckwit at times on the whole he makes me happy.

I would rarely post on here singing his praises as that is just not how things work, when I am loved-up and happy I show him, tell him, cuddle him etc. When I am pissed off with him, sometimes I need an independent rant to get things off my chest and I think MN does sometimes struggle with perspective on these things because there are so many posts of total arseholes.

In a normal environment, it would be having a bitch over a cuppa with your best mate but on here because it is the written word I think it can look a lot worse as you can't get across sighs, huffs, eye rolls and body language.

Well said, Simplysally. It seems rather self-indulgent and (at times, depending on the person saying it) even immature to harp on about how the other person is not pulling their weight, etc etc, without looking at our own contribution to the situation.

(Although I've said earlier that abusive relationships are a different kettle of fish and not what I'm posting about here, it is important to note that even in an abusive situation it's important for the victim to reflect on to what extent they may have colluded with the abuser - e.g. as some people have said here, staying longer than they should have, believing the lies - these are forms of collusion which unwittingly perpetuate the situation. If collusion exists in extreme relationship breakdown you can bet it exists to differing degrees in less severe circumstances).

Coming back to my first para, if for example, people post about problems with their children's behaviour, the chances are that the advice will be mostly about things the parent can try to change the situation. Why should the same approach not be applied to adult relationships? (reiki - yes, this post is about all relationships, not just romantic ones ). All relationships require work, but somehow we bizarrely seem to think that they shouldn't.

I also find it so sad that some people put more effort into investing in their careers and finances than in their friendships and relationships.