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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think i am right and he is wrong?

44 replies

iloveolives · 13/04/2009 16:23

Have name changed for this, and maybe i am being totally unreasonable and i just cannot see it. Would appreciate your honest views please.

Is it unreasonable to expect Dh who is at home full time ( he cannot find work after redundancy) , to do some jobs in the house?

He believes it is a woman?s job to run the house, and apparently working full time does not constitute as work!! (GRRR)

After picking the DCs up and coming home (where he has not moved all day) he expects the cleaning, clothes washing etc to be done while he rests as he is 'so tired'. (he is diabetic and uses his illness as an excuse for everything).

He does nothing apart from sometimes cook dinner but only if he is hungry and is often something horrible and unsuitable for Dcs e.g. spicy, burned, too late etc.

Plus, he refuses to go shopping with a weeks listas the shopping is 'not his job'. Nothing seems to be his job. Sorry to rant but it makes me so cross.

Plus (sorry to go on?), he doesn?t deal with things. If there ever a problem, he will either shout about it or go out. Never comes to parents evenings, kids dance shows or drama performances etc which deeply hurts the children. How do you explain to a little child why daddy didn?t want to see them in their drama performance, dance show etc.

I feel awful for saying so many negative things and there are some positives (honestly), but when you?re expected to do everything and never even get recognition when it is done, it hurts.

Sorry to go off on this rant but to be honest it's at the stage where if money was not a problem, divorce would more than likely be on the cards.

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 13/04/2009 16:26

He sounds like a waste of space.

I think you need to give him an ultimatium - get his arse in gear or get out.

Sparkletastic · 13/04/2009 16:26

You know the answer to this - YANBU. The positives better be bluddy good. If he is not earning money are you sure you would be worse off if you split? Have you tried telling him what he needs to do around the house and make it clear that if he doesn't pull his weight you don't wish him to live with you any more?

mrsmaidamess · 13/04/2009 16:26

I think you know what response you wil get on here. Your dp sounds like an arse. And you are allowing him to continue to behave as such by making no demands on him or refusing to do less. ( It sounds like he might be depressed as well.)

escape · 13/04/2009 16:26

I think you are in a bit of denial here to be honest.

Your husband needs to understand that it's not 1973 and he's not Alf Garnett.

So.. what are the positives.

He is being a lazy bastard. he has misogynist views and is letting his kids down. sorry to say , but also has very little respect for you also.
What are you going to do about it??

TrillianEAstraEgg · 13/04/2009 16:27

YANBU. Obviously. There's no question about it.

Expect to see lots of posts saying 'leave him'.

And perhaps a few calling troll.

ScottishThistle · 13/04/2009 16:28

You're not being at all unreasonable, he should be pulling his weight!

My Sister is a single parent with Diabetes, to use that as an excuse is beyond pathetic!

Is he looking for work?

Original poster

iloveolives · 13/04/2009 16:28

I have asked him to do things in the house but it just ends in an awful row, and he'll up going out rest of day, not calling to tell me where he is etc.

I have thought he might be depressed too mrsmaidamess.

OP posts:

mrsmaidamess · 13/04/2009 16:29

But he is also an arse.

Original poster

iloveolives · 13/04/2009 16:30

he has already said if a divorce would ever asked for, he would take everything including the house. Could he do that??

OP posts:

PlumBumMum · 13/04/2009 16:30

I was goig to day sit him down, but he is probably already sitting, and tell him straight if he dosen't shape up he'll get his marching orders, going by HIS morals that housework is a womans job then you really shouldn't be working and bringing in the money, thats HIS department, but obviously the real world dosen't work like this so put it to him straight you can't do everything and shouldn't be expected to

And the more he sits around the worse and more tired he will feel

Northernlurker · 13/04/2009 16:30

So - he does nothing in the house or to raise his children and he doesn't support you financially?

Exactly what does he do???

Quattrocento · 13/04/2009 16:32

What do you get out of this relationship? Speaking frankly, he doesn't sound like much of a catch. He's not good on the home front, he's not good on the parenting front and he's not good on the earning front. If you want another child to look after then of course ...

Original poster

iloveolives · 13/04/2009 16:32

He cooks dinner sometimes and did two loads of washing about 6 months ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

iloveolives · 13/04/2009 16:33

he has already said if a divorce would ever asked for, he would take everything including the house. Could he do that??

OP posts:

TrillianEAstraEgg · 13/04/2009 16:33

Get thee over to 'legal matters' post a thread with a clearer title, and someone will come and tell you exactly what he would be able to tak if you divorced. Which would not be everything. How could it be? Then go divorce him.

Nancy66 · 13/04/2009 16:34

See a solicitor and get advice.

Northernlurker · 13/04/2009 16:34

No he can't take the house leaving you and the children homeless - I assume it's in joint names?

That sounds like a rather threatening thing to say by him. Would you describe him as a bully?

Quattrocento · 13/04/2009 16:35

Is he from a cultural background where women are expected to be domestic slaves goddesses? While the men go off hunter-gathering? Not that he is doing any hunter-gathering.

Why are you putting up with this?

Shandyleer · 13/04/2009 16:36

It doesn't sound to me as if you're being in the least bit unreasonable. Does your husband not realise that a marriage is a partnership and you're in it together? Just what part does he play in this partnership? My husband is ill, has retired from work because of his illness, will never get any better, WILL get worse - yet he never uses this as an excuse. I think his pride wouldn't let him. But, yes, as some other posters have said, perhaps he is depressed, and feels that his manhood has been undermined in some way since he has been made redundant and you are still working.

TrillianEAstraEgg · 13/04/2009 16:36

Citizens' Advice Bureau is free to talk to.

Or Relate if you're not yet decided about divorce.

nametaken · 13/04/2009 16:37

he does sound useless, - if it were me I'd be tempted to kick him out and get topped up with tax credits. Couldn't be any worse off.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 13/04/2009 16:41

he sounds depressed to me too.

Having said that, I think I'd be saying to him, right, since housework and childcare is MY job, since I am a woman, then bringing in the cash is YOUR job, since you're a man, so I will give notice at X and YOU can go out and earn the money while I am a housewife.

He has to contribute SOMETHING. That's what a marriage is - a partnership, like shandy just said.

And you say you can't divorce him because of money, but packing his bag and telling him to go and stay at his mothers for a bit while he has a good think about his attitude costs nothing.

dittany · 13/04/2009 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/04/2009 16:44

He does sound lazy and needs a good shaking/wake up call.

However, when a woman posts that the hubby wont help in the house after being work all day many posts state its unfair and he should pull his weight. Funny to see its different when posted the other way round.

MuffinBaker · 13/04/2009 16:44

"He believes it is a woman?s job to run the house, and apparently working full time does not constitute as work!! (GRRR)"

Brilliant you can remind him of that when he gets a job.

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