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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

apparently its my fault my kids wont leave my side!!!

27 replies

stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 13:50

just because DD said she didnt want to go out for the day with the inlaws and I couldnt go as i have guests coming over for lunch/dinner. I said that I didnt mind if DD fancied going with them instead...she started crying and said she only really wanted to be with me...she can be a bit dramatic sometime tbh, but i dont tend to pander to it but there are times when she genuinely wants me...she is 7yo btw. She will however happily got to a friends and stay at parties and go to mil's but all when she is in the mood and I would certainly never make her stay or go somewhere away from me if she wanted to be with me.

But now Im apparently making her insecure and she "wont move without me" OMG...DD is now sobbing upstairs because she really wanted to go but got rattled with having to make a snap decision abuot going, meanwhile they all fecked orf out.

Sorry if this doesnt make much sense, am absolutely boiling

OP posts:
leonifay · 13/04/2009 13:56

its not your fault, shes 7. some kids are sensitive and just cant make snap decisions like that! i childmind a little girl and if i ask what she wants for snack time she can get quite distressed, i have to warn her that snack time will be in 30 mins and she should start thinking about it.

its not your fault at all, whoever said it was obviously has never looked after a sensitive child

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 14:01

exactly...if someone had called me say an hour earlier to forewarn me, she would most probably have happily gone with them, we could have made her a packed lunch and she would have been "happy as larry"...but they just turned up and said are you coming with us, they were parked outside ready to go...

DD really gets un nerved quite quickly with snap decisions and doesnt know what to do for the best...she only knows that she feels secure with me and DP so her first instinctive response is, i want to be with you mum...which appears a bit clingy, when in reality, if she has a chance to weigh things up, she makes the decision that she relly wants.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 13/04/2009 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbleSister · 13/04/2009 14:01

I do think sometimes you do need to say " tough, off you trot" with kids.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 14:02

instead, i am a controlling mum whos child wont leave her side....or words to that effect ...

OP posts:
AbleSister · 13/04/2009 14:03

well that is how it seems to outsiders when kids are like that...
is it true? that you dont like her to go orf?

blueshoes · 13/04/2009 14:04

I assume it is your inlaws who cast aspersions on your parenting. Nice

Offence as a defence. They were probably feeling put out your dd did not want to go out with them. Rather than blame her, they blamed you. Quite unpleasant, particularly since your dd is now upset about it.

I too try to give my dd ample notice of upcoming outings/separations from me. Some times she needs it, others she is happy to go off to impromptu. The point is, you never know. They are up and down at this age.

Hope your dd and you feel better soon. Your in-laws are smallminded and petty.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 14:04

ablesister.....i agree completely, but pick your times to do that...eg school, dentist,sometimes even birthday parties and situations which require, but I dont believe in making them make snap decisions....some kids can some cant, she would have got relly stressed if i had made gher go with MIL

OP posts:
AbleSister · 13/04/2009 14:06

Hmm, well god they are nobs then.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 14:06

Ablesister...I love to know that DD is having fun, she goes and plays with her mates at their house, she goes to parties, she loves school...but she gets stressed at having to make snap decisions....and also I work all week so she loves having time with me as i do with her...but i am in now way stopping her from going out to places with relatives or friends, I love to know she is having fun

OP posts:
AbleSister · 13/04/2009 14:07

so say that to them another time when things are calm.

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 14:08

Blueshoes you hit the nail on the head....offence as a defence...that is it exactly..."how dare DD rather be here than with them, it must be me controlling her, it couldnt possibly be that maybe she feels a bit rattled?"

lol @ nobs ablesister

OP posts:
blueshoes · 13/04/2009 14:09

I like mdmdeathstare's approach.

Ablesister, why is it so important that OP's dd Must go off with in-laws? If OP is at home and her dd does not have to go, I too would keep dd at home if it would make her upset to go. The only time I would insist against tears is if I would be going as well and dd has no choice but to go. But then, it would not be in issue because dd would be with me.

blueshoes · 13/04/2009 14:10

cross-posts re: ablesister

blueshoes · 13/04/2009 14:13

I work during the week as well. So I understand about dds wanting to be with their mummies.

AbleSister · 13/04/2009 14:17

because its rude to decline an invitation , generally

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 14:20

thankyou for your reassurance ladies...she used to say the same about DS...he is now 10...but i remember when he was oh probably between the ages of 18mo to about 7...he wouldnt leave my side...he went to full time nursery no problem..but at home he liked to be with me, again i was working full time so i indulged this need to be with me, why shouldnt he? anyway, apparently he was too clingy, and too much a mummies boy, lol ask any mnetter who has met him if he is a mummies boy, he loves me and often tells me but has grown up into quite an independent chap....DD im sure will become more sure of herself in time

OP posts:
lizziemun · 13/04/2009 14:28

I would expect the grandparents to know their grandchildren 'quirks' by the time their 7yrs.

I know my dd1 would go without a backward glance, but she is and always has been a confident and independant child. Where as dd2 would be like stoppinattwo dd, because that's what she is like.

It's not rude for a child to decline an invitation when when put on the spot. It is rude for her grandparents not to phone first and see if she want's to go out with them before turning up on the doorstep and demanding that gd goes out with them.

junglist1 · 13/04/2009 14:31

Every child will do this at some point, it's not as if it was pre arranged. Even as an adult i'd kick off if someone told me I was going off somewhere without notice! Tell the criticisers to wind their necks in

onthepier · 13/04/2009 14:41

I've had this sometimes with my two.

Their grandparents on my dh's side live some distance away, and we see them every few months. When the dc's were younger we'd stay with them every so often, but my MIL wouldn't want us to be involved with the children at all, those few days! It was, "Right, you two take yourself off shopping for the day, we'll be fine!" Of course our two, (especially our dd aged about 5 at the time), didn't want to be there without one of us, (seemed to take her a day or two to get used to different surroundings + reacquaint herself with her grandma), but my MIL just couldn't understand it + got quite frustrated with me!

She even tried to persuade us to go off when our dd had her nap, claiming she'd be fine when she woke up! Well, I knew she wouldn't be, + prob wouldn't trust us again if we did that! It caused all sorts of tensions which made me almost dread the visits!

Thankfully both our two are fine now, the oldest one nearing secondary school age, but I know exactly how you feel, STOPPINATTWO!

Original poster
stoppinattwo · 13/04/2009 15:08

tbh....I shouldnt really guve two hoots, now I have chilled a little about it, that offensive defense has been the best explanation...they try and make it my fault because they do everytihng so reactivley and last minute.

I mean even if I did want my kids to be close by (which isnt my intention tbh)...but even if it was, that is my issue and certainly not one I would take critisism for....thinking about it, there is plenty of time to learn independance...my kids are quite confident but like reassurance, as do many kids, but they really hate stress, or what they perceive to be stress...OMG on thepier...If i had left DD whilst she was asleep and went out - i completely know where you are coming from, it would be so stressful for her, and yes MIL could probably cope with that but how trusted would i be next time she had wanted a nap...I have always been upfront with her, and there are times she wants to be with me and cant for example atm I have to work and she is off school, she would love for me to be here with her every day, but that cant happen as I have to work....she understands and she gets on with it. ...I gues I just got sick of situations like this being my fault

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 13/04/2009 15:15

stoppinattwo my dcs are the same, my dd is 8 and as you say its depending on the mood, sometimes you can see them in a little mood they need a constant push and other times they shock they just go ahead,
I don't pander to my dd at all, but as you say I won't force her either, you just know when they can be talked into things and you know when not to bother

Acinonyx · 13/04/2009 18:11

''because its rude to decline an invitation , generally ''

She's 7. Surely it's more than rude to insist a 7 year-old goes with anybody against their will. I cetainly wouldn't do it unles I was going too.

purpleduck · 13/04/2009 18:16

My dd is 7 and having to make a snap decision would freak her out and upset her too.
She likes to know what will happen, and generally would prefer to experience new things when (preferably me) myself or dh is with her.

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 13/04/2009 18:34

It's not rude to decline an invitation. It's rude to decline an invitation rudely.