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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL acting like a teenage, spending inheritance and generally is strange! :)

31 replies

Hesdoneitagain · 12/04/2009 20:33

Background

My DP and I have been together nearly 3 years. His father (mid 50s) died just before I met him of a heart attack. His mom and is dad had been married 35 years happily. She was obviously devastated and my DP spent a lot of time having meals with her etc.

Anyway, first time I met her she said (in front of my DP) that his sister was her favourite child and also when we were on our own told me she hadn't liked his ex and could I get him to lose weight as she thought he was fat

Then about 4 months later she met another man. They started dating and we all went out together to a band at a family club. She spent the night dirty dancing with this man, snogging etc not only in front of my DP but also all his friends who were there. She also made lots of comments to me (and in front of DP) that they'd 'just got out of bed' and various other sexual comments.

Since then she sold the family house and moved in with the new man (told me but not DP, just before we went on holiday and made me swear to secrecy, thanks a lot), she has also done many more displays of ridiculous 'affection' in front of DP, including introducing a cock ring (!) at a family Christmas party in front of my 3 year old DD!! This is difficult for him as his dad has recently died and I understand his mom's right to a new life but think she could be more sensitive? She also told DP he wasnt welcome Xmas day as she and her new man wanted to snuggle up and spend it alone!!

Her new man loves cars - she has had 10 cars in the last 2 years, including 2 porsches, she buys new then part exchanges again and again, must lose a fortune. He doesn't work and she's bought him a brand new motorbike etc.

Question is, DP was made redundant before Christmas and didn't find a new job for 2 months. She sent him a £20 note. I know its her money to do with as she pleases but when she knows he and his sister are struggling financially is it nice parental behaviour to buy so many new cars?? Its like she's just burning the money in front of him!

Would like to hear other perspectives...

OP posts:
lalalonglegs · 12/04/2009 20:40

It is her money - do you really think of her money/property as your partner's inheritance?

everGreensleeves · 12/04/2009 20:46

Well, I don't think she is doing anything wrong per se - you have no grounds for being annoyed with her about spending the "inheritance"

but she sounds a bit lost and not happy

tessofthedurbervilles · 12/04/2009 20:49

Sounds like she has reacted to losing her husband by deciding life is for living. Was her late husband more 'steady' and careful with his money? That might be why she is thinking spend it and live life to the full as she has seen how short life can be.
Her bahviour is insensitive towards those who have also suffered a great loss and a cock ring is enough to embarrass anyone. But, at the end of the day, it is her money and her choice.

nametaken · 12/04/2009 20:49

Sorry, I know it's annoying and it does sound as though her boyfriend is using her BUT it is her money. It is in no way your inheritance.

If she doesn't spend the money, she'll probably have to pay for care in her old age and most likely you won't get any of it anyway. I wouldn't worry about it.

ShowOfHands · 12/04/2009 20:51

It's not inheritance as she isn't dead.

DontlookatmeImshy · 12/04/2009 21:00

I would agree she is acting very strange, but as everyone has already said, it is her money and untimately it's up to her to do what she wants with it, including wasting it.

What nametaken said about care is very true too. Dh's nan had to go into care and they had to sell her house etc. The only person who was upset about it though was his nan who had saved up etc precisely so her dc's and dgc's would get something when she died.

blueshoes · 12/04/2009 21:01

The whole estate went to your MIL on your FIL's death? None to your dh, SIL?

Original poster
Hesdoneitagain · 12/04/2009 21:05

I know, I know, inheritance was the wrong choice of words

I think I find it weird because my parents have given me and my brother 'inheritance' on several occassions (no they're not dead!) as they say we need the money now. Also my ExH's mom died and his dad gave each of the 3 children part of the estate. I'm used to families who help each other out I suppose.

I know its not DPs money (and certainly not mine) it just feels horrible when he was redundant and she was buying yet another new car...

Tess and Ever - yes she has said that she realises life is too short now.

As for the cock ring!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesdoneitagain · 12/04/2009 21:06

Yup whole estate went to her, she sold the family houses and has DP's dad's pension.

OP posts:
Simplysally · 12/04/2009 21:12

She sounds a bit lost to me but it is her money to spend as she wishes.

Flibbertyjibbet · 12/04/2009 21:16

Wow I would think myself very lucky if either current ils or my own parents were able to 'help us out' not that we would ask for it or expect it!
You already got two lots of help and you're sat there waiting for current mil to make it a 3rd???

My parents don't have much but I tell them to get it spent while they are here. If they decided to sell the house and go on cruises till they pop off I wouldn't care one bit - its their money to spend how they want.

You should be glad your mil is having such a good time!

blueshoes · 12/04/2009 21:19

I can understand why you are perplexed. My family is financially prudent, as is dh's, generally. A lot of my being in paid employment is to be able to give my dcs a helping hand should unexpected events like redundancies happen.

Sounds like your MIL is having a delayed midlife crisis. Did she marry young and subsume her identity into that of mother and wife?

She sounds like she has a serious lapse of judgment in her choice of partner and squandering behaviour. Was your late FIL controlling?

Original poster
Hesdoneitagain · 12/04/2009 21:27

Flibberty - not waiting for handout, I earn my own money thank you.

My parents gave us the 'inheritance' as gifts as they wanted to help. They go on cruises etc too, they just like being able to help out their children. No we're not a rich family, they just worked very hard and were very prudent.

If MIL was spending on cruises etc no problem at all. We just feel shes wasting the money by swapping cars constantly. Think also there's a feeling that she's spending DP's father's money on this new man (perhaps not correct feeling but can't help what you feel)

Blueshoes - yes I think so, she does seem to be suddenly acting very 'young' if you see what I mean. She married young - 18ish and I think she does feel shes suddenly got this new life. She doesn't seem happy though.

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 21:29

It is her money she can do what she wants. Before my MIL died we encouraged her to spend as much of her money as possible, including flash cars.

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/04/2009 21:31

I think as an adult you need to concentrate on supporting yourselves and your child/children rather than relying in parents to support you.

Its her money, why shouldnt she spend it how she chooses? I would hate to think that when my child is an aldut they were criticising my spending and thought I should not buy anything so that they could benefit.

Original poster
Hesdoneitagain · 12/04/2009 21:38

I dont think I explained myself well.

We don't care re her spending the money. If it was cruises / new house / clothes etc brilliant. Its the fact that she was never bothered with cars till she met new man, and if she bought flash one - great. Its that she has had 10 in the last 18m to 2 years = losing a fortune each time.

We do support ourselves. I just grew up in a family that would offer to help if a child were made redundant, not greet them with news of their new car. Different families different attitudes I suppose

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 21:40

It shouldn't matter what she spends the money on.

blueshoes · 12/04/2009 21:47

Your MIL's behaviour is strange, full stop. When I was a single woman of means with no dependents, I would never ever indulge my new man in a succession of cars he could not afford. I would never have gone with a parasite, much less support his expensive habits.

She does not sound like she has much self-esteem.

oopsagain · 12/04/2009 21:48

so, she wasn't interested in cars before, but is now.

What can you do?

She sounds a bit crazy and is behaving like a loon.
but all you can do is be supportive and take care of her as much as you can.

Hopefully she'll calm down.
But it isn't your money, it's hers. and she can spend it as she likes.
However upsetting that is for you.
Sorry!

Sorrento · 12/04/2009 22:05

I think my children are my financial responsibility until they are 18 years old by which point I hope to have given them the tools and values required to support themselves.
I will have life assurance policies which will leave them a lump sum when I die but if I hear one bloody peep out of them about how I live my life/spend my cash I shall give to the cats home.

What was her life like with his father ? If it was a sack of shite for 20 years it explains a lot. If not well there's nowt as strange as folk.

twinsetandpearls · 12/04/2009 22:11

It would worry me if I though the new partner was taking advantage. She isnt Kerry Katona is she

I have savings for dd and everything is left to her, as well as anycash payouts from my pensions, life assurance - insurance. But if I thought she was waiting for it or expected it I would give it to someone else in a flash.

nametaken · 12/04/2009 23:18

Oh God I hope my adult children won't be expecting any handouts from me.

Especially if they've already had two lots of money from other parents, Jeez.

If she sold her home, where is she living?

Quattrocento · 12/04/2009 23:20

They call it a skiing holiday, don't they?

All the overt sexuality is a bit distasteful but it might be a symptom of grief

MadamDeathstare · 12/04/2009 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorrento · 12/04/2009 23:25

If it's any consolation my DH was made redundant in November and our house was falling apart around our ears, it actually wasn't safe for the children.
So we spent the redundancy money on damp proofing, new windows, new central heating, the electrics made safe etc.
So the money went pretty quickly.
Since then we've not struggled but we've certainly been watching the pennies. Dh's Mum has £10k in an ISA which comes to the end of it's term in a few weeks and will be earning her 1% interest, we have a small loan that we pay 6% interest on so I suggested we could pay her the 6% instead of the bank, not wanting her money just thinking if anybody should make the 6% out of us it should be kept in the family.
Well you'd have thought I'd suggested burning her at the stake, so I would seriously recommend unless it's offered leave the subject alone.
I will watch with interest just how bad things have to get in our house before MIL offers any assistance and it'll influence how much help she gets in her old age from me.

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