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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with my sisters husband??

27 replies

macdoodle · 11/04/2009 10:21

Now I am really not sure so am fully prepared to be told IABU !

Short background, I am finally in the process of divorcing my H after 10 years of EA I have 2 wonderful well behaved DD's (DD1 is 7 and DD2 is 15 months)! So I may be a little oversenstive!

I am very very close to my younger sister (10 years younger), she adores my DD's and often comes to visit us (without her DH) and help/spend time/babysit for me
We dont often go visit them, because of various reasons - it is easier with the DD's in our house, it is about a 4 hour drive, they have a biggish dog, they have a small house etc - the last time we stayed must be more than 6 months ago!
So we decide to spend some time together over easter, and I ask if she would prefer us to come to them for a change, so she doesnt have to leave DH (though he is always welcome in my house, he rarely comes think he finds the DD's a bit much),and we can have some days out
She seems pleased, I check whether her DH will mind as she says of course not!

Now I like my BIL, he is a good guy, we get on well, and DD1 adores him, but he is a lot younger than me and a bit immature, sister does complain about him not doing enough in the house and money always seems to be an issue (he earns a lot more than dsis but considers it "his money" , they are trying for a baby but I think this is much more dsis than him!

However since we have been here, IMO he has been rude, ignorant and lazy!!
Dsis has done all the cooking, and he hasnt even been bothered to take the dishes in the kitchen, I have been helping her cook and clear up, but TBH am getting mighty fed up, I have a dishwasher at home and am doing more washing up here than I do at home - he gets up from the table and plonks himself in front of the TV as soon as he is finished
He informed us that he will be watching superbike racing every night from 5:30-9:30 and that is that, he woouldnt let my sis watch something she wanted (and me and our mum TBH), its a small house with no other TV so we are all sat listening to the drone of superbikes every night !!
Last night we all decamped to my sis bedroom to watch a movie on my laptop - IMO the height of bad manner making guests sit in the bedroom
He has refused to come on any outings with us (except to MacDonalds), and yesterday we were out ALL day, so he had all day to himself, he was upstairs on the computer when we got in and didnt come down at all till dinner was ready , I had to politely ask him if I could put DD2 to bed as the computer is in the spare room where we are sleeping!
We asked him if he would babysit DD2 tonight while he was watching the superbikes (she will be asleep and never wakes up), so we could take DD1 to the movies - and he looked most unimpressed at the idea, so I guess DD1 will go with dsis and I get to stay in and listen to superbikes !!

Now I know its his house, and I guess maybe he finds us all hard work, but why didnt he say instead of making us all feel awkward!!
We could have stayed in a hotel or not come at all TBH
He really is quite lazy and am having my doubts whether they are ready to have a baby if this is how he behaves !!!

Sorry so long ...so AIBU???

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 11/04/2009 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/04/2009 10:25

He's selfish and rude. I feel bad for your DSis and agree with you that he seems like an immature, selfish twat. YANBU.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 11/04/2009 10:28

count your blessings, you get to leave in a couple of days.

Your sis is stuck with this immature twat who sounds like he will be a dreadful father.

Talk her out of it for fecks sake.

You are so NOT being unreasonable.

Hope your weekend improves.

HumphreyCobbler · 11/04/2009 10:28

God I feel sorry for your sister.

No wonder she prefers to come to your house.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/04/2009 10:33

Yanbu, he sounds rude. But....
If it is just the two of them, they may not "do" family meals as a couple. And if they do eat at home, it wouldnt be that many plates and not that much washing up. He probably does not see why he shall clean up after lots of other people, as he has just used ONE plate, ONE cup, etc....
Maybe they eat on the way from work most days. He might simply not be used to this, and quite likely find you hard work. He is not used to kids, and they most likely get on his nerves. But, it is quite self centred.

But, why did you expect him to clean up after you lot, and babysit?

How old is he?

Original poster
macdoodle · 11/04/2009 10:34

oh thank god for that, TBh I put up with so much worse form my XH for so many years, my view of normality is a bit skewed!!

But my new DP would never behave like this, and it is annoying the hell out of me!

They are both 28 FWIW, with good jobs and a nice life!
I wont say anything because I love my dsis dearly and dont want to fall out with her, have made a few comments though about maybe waiting a year or 2 to start TTC, as maybe they both need to be ready!

We will carry on with days out without him, and I will hide in the bedroom with the laptop when dsis takes DD1 to the movies!
And next time she can come to us

I just want so much more for my dsis than I had, now TBH I dont think he is EA in anyway, he is a nice guy, just lazy and immature, and he so doesnt appreciate her

OP posts:
noavailablename · 11/04/2009 10:34

I think she would be making a huge mistake to have a baby with this selfish, immature person.

TrinityIsGettingABabyRhino · 11/04/2009 10:35

I feel sorry for your sis
try and get her to leave him maybe ???

Original poster
macdoodle · 11/04/2009 10:37

I dont expect him to clean up after us at all - I DO expect him to help dsis!!
They do eat together - she is an excellent cook and cooks a proper meal for them most days, he very rarely helps her normally, and TBH if I have guests I would never expect them to do the washing up!!

As for the babystting, would NEVER have asked except he is forcing us to watch superbike racing EVERY night we are here, it is driving me demented so was hoping to get away from it, and as DD2 will be asleep thought me and dsis could get out with DD1 but hey ho!!

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 11/04/2009 10:39

Just go to the pictures tonight- so what if he's unimpressed? Be brisk and tell him he needs the practice

Original poster
macdoodle · 11/04/2009 10:42

Lol I told him that, he went pale and looked like he might faint, not sure what he expects the end result of TTC will be, sure as hell dont think he is expecting a baby , or maybe he is just expecting disis to continue doing everything !!

OP posts:
LittlePeanut · 11/04/2009 10:43

I have to agree, on the evidence you've presented he sounds absolutely bloody awful, and if it was my sister I would seriously consider speaking with her about it, and find out why she's putting up with it.

However, perhaps he has redeeming features which are not apparent to you? [clutches at straws]

hifi · 11/04/2009 11:10

yanbu> why doesnt your sister stand up to him though,shes allowing him to behave like this> i would be fuming.

lunamoon2 · 11/04/2009 12:59

He sounds a complete git.
Thank your lucky stars he is not your husband.
Next time tell your sister that it is easier for her to come to you.
At 28 he sounds very immature tbh. How on earth will he cope with a child.
As for the washing up I personally do not expect visitors to wash up or do my housework. perhaps that is where I am going wrong
Tis the same at my mil and fil he sits on his arse, even on mother's day, while she makes you feel you should be washing up. I can stay at home for that!!

Blessingsdragon · 11/04/2009 13:00

To be honest he sounds like most single/married with no kids men I know - most of who have gone on to be fab Dads. His internal attitude is probabbly that your buggering up his long bank hoilday weekend and he probably does not want to play house with you.

If your sister is happy with the way they live who are you to judge ?(if she is unhappy thats different)

She may cook every night and tidy up - who knows and whos buishness is it what he does in return - so may people judge here on the mrs mopp scale

purpleduck · 11/04/2009 13:16

Obviously he is being very very rude..
however,
It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
Maybe there is something else going on, or maybe that is just how they have set up their home...either way, your place is to support your sister, and keep quite about her life.

I have an older sister (2 actually), and I almost never tell her things as she gets all protective and "How Very DARE he!!", and it doesn't help me one bit.
2 of my best friends are sisters and they don't like each others partners, and it is the one thing they fall out over .

Thing is, when you criticise the parner, it sometimes feels like you are criticising HER choice/why she stays etc.

He does sound like an arse though.

StercusAccidit · 11/04/2009 13:35

He is being very rude.

I know the feeling of being 'banished' / forced into another room to watch tv because DP used to play the xbox at every available interval.

Luckily enough i have another tv. Not the point though and its one of the first things i sorted out when we split.. now we SHARE and are a bit more considerate, if there's nothing on and the kids aren't here i don't mind, if i am feeding DS i don't mind as long as he makes me a cuppa, but if i ask, he turns the game off with none of the former huffing and puffing.

He does sound selfish and immature. No wonder she likes it better at yours.. when all the stuff is ready to go home, i would be soooooo tempted to rattle his cage just as i was leaving..but would prob not for fear of causing probs for sis, awkward situation...

StercusAccidit · 11/04/2009 13:36

Get the kids to say something instead like 'You're mean/boring' ect lol

sayithowitis · 11/04/2009 15:46

As I see it, you sort of invited yourself to stay in their house and are now put out because he is not running around after you/ your Dsis.

It is actually none of your business how they arrange the division of chores etc and absolutely not your business to pass any comment on when/whether they should be trying for a baby! If you were my sister and made this sort of comment, especially when it was not asked for, you would be on the next train home!

You should keep out of it and in future, wait to be invited, or stay in a hotel, or have your sister to you. Yes he could have said 'no' when asked, but I suspect that would just have prompted another 'AIBU about my BIL thread because he said we can't stay with them' thread.

MuffinBaker · 11/04/2009 15:50

sayithowitis - you really do, don't you? I think you are being harsh.

macdoodle is obviously concerned for her sister and tried to do something nice, which has backfired for her in that she is unhappy.

I am not sure what to suggest for the best tbh.

YANBU to be annoyed but how dos your sister feel?

edam · 11/04/2009 15:54

sayithowitis - it is extremely rude to ignore guests in your own home, it is extremely rude to put the TV on for four hours and say "I'm watching this, you lot can lump it". Good grief. Whatever this berk's relationship with the OP's sister is like, he is boorish and ill-mannered.

sayithowitis · 11/04/2009 16:01

Sorry Muffin, I don't mean to be harsh, but she already said that the reason the BIL doesn't come to hers is because he finds the children a bit much. In that case, it really doesn't make sense to me, to take the children to stay in his house which is a lot smaller than hers!

I think that had macddodle been invited, rather than invite herself, I would be more inclined to agree with her, though absolutly NOT about the ttc bit, that really is nothing to do with her and is not for her to comment on.

Maybe the BIL didn't feel he could say no once it had been agreed between mac and her sister.

Presumably the sister is happy with her DH and until mac knows otherwise, she must stay out of their business!

FWIW, I do not have a great deal of time for my BIL. He does not treat my sister the way I think he should, but she is happy with him and for all that he doesn't treat her the way I think he should, I know that he does love her. There have been may times I could have said something to him, but I haven't because, until I am asked to express an opinion, it is nothing to do with me. I know there is no EA or DV going on and only if there were, would I feel it my place to express an opinion about any aspect of their life together.

Confuzzeled · 11/04/2009 16:02

What a child he is and bloody ignorant too.

Your dsis must be blind with love if she can't see how uncomfortable he's making you.

My dh can be shy and sometimes come across as rude but I soon tell him and he at least makes some effort.

Ask your dsis if she's happy with this as it'll soon get old if they have kids and she's doing everything. A sperm donor would be nicer.

KimiWantsAnEasterEgg · 11/04/2009 16:20

What a twat, is he the same when his family visit..was he raised by pigs?

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 11/04/2009 16:56

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out as happily as you hoped; I do think that sayithowitis has a point though.

To go stay in a house which is smaller, has a big dog, and a man who probably finds the kids a bit much even in a larger space is a bit much. For all you know, this bike thing might have been his highlight of the holiday and the main thing he was looking forward to.

Agree he should have accepted what was happening with better grace perhaps, and not helping your sister with household chores certainly looks lazy.

Their desire/plans for babies is entirely their own business, but presumably your relationship with your sister is close enough for you to feel OK about voicing your opinion.

I suspect he was presented with a fait accompli by your sister and had very little say in the matter.

Invite them yours in future!

Hope Easter gets better for you anyway.