To not want dh to go out until 3/4 in the morning - sorry, long

[berri]

I genuinely would like some opinions here - dh (33) and I have a 18wk old ds and all is well at home, he is being a great dad and ds is a pretty good baby so I feel great most of the time.

About once every 10 days though dh goes on a massive bender and doesn't get home till about 3.30am-4am. I end up not being able to get to sleep properly till he is home, and as I am up feeding a couple of times in the night anyway, it means I am completely knackered the next day. He is always feeling rough the next day so doesn't want to go out anywhere with me or ds, just wants to lie on the sofa with a takeaway.

I have talked to him about it many times - he says that all blokes do it and that he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he's just with the boys from work and he doesn't want to stop after a few beers.

So there are a few things really - partly it makes me knackered even though I haven't been out myself. Partly I'm annoyed that the next day he can't do anything. Partly, if I'm honest, I'm a bit jealous that he is out having fun! And a little part of me is worried that he'll get so hammered (which he does get) that he'll end up meeting some girl who looks better than I do at the moment! This isn't really fair as he's never given me any indication before that he would cheat on me.

He says all blokes need to go out and let off steam, but I just wish he'd get a little less smashed and come home about midnight or something - he acts like he's on a stag do every time he goes out.

I know he loves ds and me - perhaps I should just accept this is how he is and let him get on with it.

You are so not being unreasonable that you really don't need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you, do you? You have an eighteen week old baby and your husband goes out until 3 in the morning once every ten days?

He's 33 not 23. Time to grow up.

And all men do not do this. I don't know any men in their 30s (or 20s actually) with young children who behave like this. Sorry.

not all men with a fmily do this

my dh used to

then he grew up and it is now about 1-2 times a year which is completely acceptable

I do ask him while we are arguing about it whether he is the oldest one out, as I understand guys in their 20s doing this, and he says that they are all his age and all have kids - whether this is true or not is a different matter....

My husband does go out, by the way, about once a month and comes home by eleven. I do the same. It isn't a choice between this kind of behaviour and surrendering your social life entirely.

By any chance are all of his friends single and childless?

Meant to add that he is so good all the rest of the time I'm not sure whether I should just accept this is his flaw, after all he's not doing anything while he's out apart from drinking way too much.

Perhaps you both need to compromise (him more than you). I think its good for him to go out and let off steam, we all need to now and again but every other week is a bit much, maybe ask him to reduce it to every month. Make sure he does the same for you once a month so you can go out and let your hair down, even if its visiting a friend without the baby.

x posted.

If that is true he and all his friends are selfish twunts.

Not all men do that. My DH doesn't do that. And we don't even have any kids (yet, I'm due the end of June).

I agree, he is 33 not 23. He needs to grow up.

How often do your dh's/dp's go out and get really drunk? Just out of interest as I don't know many other couples with babies....

I haven't really been out at all at night since ds was born, but to be honest I think it'd be more hassle than it's worth seeing as I'm bfeeding I'd just rather be here!

I feel bad now typing this post - I know he's being unreasonable but as I said he is such a good bloke in every other respect, I think I just feel confused that he can be such a good dad 90% of the time and then upset me so much when he does this.

Why on earth should you feel bad? It's completely disrespectful of him to go out till all hours once every ten days and be so drunk and hungover that he can't be any use to you for the rest of the following day. Do you and DC not deserve to spend a nice weekend with him then? His leisure time and pleasure is more important? Not to mention how much money he must be spending -I suppose he earned it so he thinks he can spend it as he likes .

My husband doesn't go out getting really drunk because he has a mental age of more than 17. About once a month he goes out for a curry and a few beers with some friends from the office, and I do something similar. That's how adults behave.

My Dh used to go out a lot until 3am, but never got very drunk, he used to go and play x-box with friends until the wee hours. He still does this now every now, around once a week but comes in at midnight ish. Once in a while he comes in at 2am, gets a bollocking from me and does not do it again for a while.

On occasion he goes out for a social, has a few too many drinks and comes home at 2-3am, this is usually planned - friends birthday party or similar - and I now get my chance to do this too, although I generally get home at a much more respectable time, I value my sleep more.

I think the difference is, DH does not let it affect his day, if it is planned, I give him a lie-in and I get one another day, but he still gets up at a good time, and we do stuff together, and he never lets it get in the way of things that need doing. He accepts if he is hungover he has to get on with it

I do have a friend though whose Dh does this every friday, and every saturday is wasted.

so sorry no YANBU!

Speaking as someone whose DH does do this kind of thing I sympathise.

My DH works in a very male orientated environment that has lots of 'sociables', inevitably he ends up wrecked when they go on these things as it is 'what they do'.

In some respects, I can't complain as I knew the environment he worked in when I married him though things do change somewhat when you have a baby (I used to go out a lot myself pre DS).

However, things HAVE changed and to be fair to my DH the amount of times he does this now is a lot less than it used to be but he does still do it maybe once every two months as opposed to once a fortnight. It still irks me but I do feel like 6 times a year is okay as I do believe we all are entitled to a blowout (just wonder when mine is going to be as we live away from friends & family so I'm always the one at home .

Maybe speak to him again, saying that you understand his needs but that once every ten days is just too much. Maybe ask for once a month blowout? I suggest this as given how often your DH does it - I think asking him to stop doing it completely may immediately put him on the defensive?

My DH is 31 and he might go out til 1am about 3 - 4 times a year. He's always in text contact and is home when he says. He will also get up and help with DS the next day.

YANBU - it's totally out of order. He needs to grow up and get his priorities sorted. I agree with the others, he's 33, not 23.

Not sure why we always feel as if we should put up with something like this because they're gracious enough to be "a good dad" the rest of the time. You don't look after your son 24/7 so that you get a free pass every couple of weeks to be an idiot.

My DH goes out about 4-6 times a year, but only about once a year does he get really loaded... he used to do that about every month before we had DS.

He CERTAINLY didn't ever do it before DS got to about 6 months again.

Have a friend who's DH goes out practically every week like this, Oh, and from what I understand, he is ALWAYS the eldest (by a long way) and most of his work friends are early 20's and/or childless/single; any married guys leave much earlier. but you really don't want to know about hte rest of the deal, because it's even worse, cos he can't even meet "good dad" the rest of the time.

Generally I'd say that in our group of friends, there are a couple of blokes who probably act like your DH, and about a dozen who don't. So do what you want with that statistic.

Don't know if that helps.

Finally, just because some of his friends do it, doesn't mean he has to - isn't that something you'd say to a 13 year old????

Good luck, I do think it needs sorting, and that you're valid in questioning it.

Berri my DH does this every few months only he doesnt come home!!!!

He goes to the pub then they go onto 1 of their mates houses where they party all night

Now I know that he only does this once in blue moon but it really pisses me off too. Before he goes out he says he will be home and like you I don't sleep well until I know he's home safe only. If he were to say to me I ain't coming home or even text to say I'm going on elsewhere then I would be ok with that.

He only does it when he's with a particular group of friends which I now resent- they all have teenage kids or none at all, and a few have separated from their wives/partners.

Once he sobers up he's like Oh im sorry I'm an asshole blah blah blah but as I say to him each and every time he does I loose that wee bit more trust and respect for him. Last year whilst with his so called mates on a bender we ended up separating- thankfully things got sorted but I fear if he slips into their drinking ways again then I will walk for good no turning back. I love my husband dearly and he does me I know it's peer pressure from his mates too with " oh mate just come back to mine" but he needs to be a man and say no!!!!

He now has a few new mates with responsibilities like he does and has had a few good sessions with them and realises he doesn't need to stay out all night and lie rough, hungover next day with takeaway.

Sorry it was long winded but I totally understand your feelings on this matter

Ok so now I know I'm not being unreasonable, any ideas how I can sort it out?? As I said we have had countless arguments/discussions about it and he just says that he has to go out to let off steam and that he's been working hard, blah blah. I remember when I was pregnant he used to say he was squeezing in these nights as he wouldn't be able to do them once ds arrived - hmm!

Jambuttie thanks for your post, it does make me feel a bit better to know that it's not just mine who does this

I know what you mean about the groups of friends - I know there are a couple of people in the group who go home at a reasonable time, so I say to him why don't you just leave when they do, but he says he just finds it hard to stop after he's had a few. Like you said I end up resenting the ones he stays out with.

Sory but I honestly have no idea how you deal with a man like this, I've never had to. If basic decency doesn't make him consider that his behaviour is hurtful and selfish, I have no idea what would.

But the problem is that he IS decent (most of the time...) I just don't understand how he manages to switch it off when he has had a beer!

Lukesmammy thanks for your post, I have asked him before to reduce the times he does it, and he always says yes no problem, I'm not going to drink now until so-and-so an event (also sociable industry he is in....) but something else inevitably crops up in between.

My DH never does this.

On the odd occasion he has had a big hangover (leaving do/work dinner etc), he is stil up the next day doing family stuff.

Not sure why your DH thinks only men need to let off steam. What about you letting off steam?

Sorry, he's your husband so obviously you feel the need to defend him, but he isn't a decent person if he can behave in a way he knows to be hurtful and selfish.

He has suggested I go out but to be honest I can't really be bothered, I'm over the going out and getting hammered stage of my life and would prefer to be at home!

My DH did used to be like this. To be fair, I think some men (like my DH) take a while to get accustomed to family life and fatherhood. Now my DH would only go out like this on a special occasion but for quite sometime he carried on as before.

It is hard not to turn into a screechy fishwife but, if like my DH yours isn't up to anything suspicious, then give him time. Probably not the popular view.

I wanted my DH to come round to my way of thinking on his own rather than my forcing him to do as he is told iyswim?

I think if it was me, I would pump as much milk as humanly possible, hand him the baby, go out and not come home until 3 or 4. See how he likes it...