To not want dh to go out until 3/4 in the morning - sorry, long

[berri]

I genuinely would like some opinions here - dh (33) and I have a 18wk old ds and all is well at home, he is being a great dad and ds is a pretty good baby so I feel great most of the time.

About once every 10 days though dh goes on a massive bender and doesn't get home till about 3.30am-4am. I end up not being able to get to sleep properly till he is home, and as I am up feeding a couple of times in the night anyway, it means I am completely knackered the next day. He is always feeling rough the next day so doesn't want to go out anywhere with me or ds, just wants to lie on the sofa with a takeaway.

I have talked to him about it many times - he says that all blokes do it and that he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he's just with the boys from work and he doesn't want to stop after a few beers.

So there are a few things really - partly it makes me knackered even though I haven't been out myself. Partly I'm annoyed that the next day he can't do anything. Partly, if I'm honest, I'm a bit jealous that he is out having fun! And a little part of me is worried that he'll get so hammered (which he does get) that he'll end up meeting some girl who looks better than I do at the moment! This isn't really fair as he's never given me any indication before that he would cheat on me.

He says all blokes need to go out and let off steam, but I just wish he'd get a little less smashed and come home about midnight or something - he acts like he's on a stag do every time he goes out.

I know he loves ds and me - perhaps I should just accept this is how he is and let him get on with it.

Yeah and they so called friends just see me now as a bitch

BUt tbh I couldn't care less what they think as dh has his responsibilities here, when we separated last year it took a while for us to get back together and DH said it was the worst few weeks of his life not having me and his sons with him- he was the one that was kicked out btw

I know we all need to let of steam but like you i say he should come home when they other"dads" do.

DS's have commented to him the past 2 times he done it about how he doesnt come home, last w/end being 1 of them and they made him feel like shit - well done boys mummys soooo proud of u lol and that was with no influence from me I'd like to add but I think they see it too as dad wasn't home at bedtime or in bed at breakfast time and then he's grumpy and smells of beer when he comes home- ds2's words REALITY check for hubby indeedy.

berri - YANBU at all.

Blokes do not need to go out and let off steam and georgimama has said it more succinctly than I can.

Men go out because they want to and not because they have to. It is not like eating or sleeping. Getting regularly hammered with your mates until 3 - 4 in the morning is not an essential life function.

He is being selfish.

There isn't actually anything wrong with enjoying a full-on night out that carries on into the next day. I do this and I am in my 40s (though I must admit I didn;t do it very often when DS was a baby). However, the problem here is that your H is behaving as though he is the important one in the relatinship and you and the baby are furniture. Once every 10 days is too often, end of. Once or twice a year would be no problem, and once a month or so is a reasonable compromise, but what he needs to appreicate is that you are entitled to free time too.
You don't say whether or not you are BFing your baby, if you are not, then it's time to ring up your mates and book a night out. Tell your H that you are going out and he is doing the childcare -he is the baby's father and should be able to cope with looking after him.

Rather than nagging him about the actual night out I'd shove him an alka selkzer the next day before a full day of activities.

My DH isn't a drinker so it is hard to comment, tbh I go out on the piss more often (and he often picked me up at ridiculous times lol) although now with baby I guess that will change! Every week/every other week is too much though IMO.

He's not actually doing anything when he goes out is he, you have no reason to think he's likely to cheat on you, he doesn't get into fights or do stupid stuff?
I don't mean to sound like YABU because I don't think you are, but I think you need some solutions/compromises. You need nights out too. Why don't you get any? You also need to deal with the sleeping arrangements when he goes out. I understand the not being able to sleep, nor can I (but my DH is more likely to get in some sort of trouble ) but we now agree that he sleeps on the sofa if he's been out and last time it actually worked, I went to sleep and didn't notice when he came in.
The hangover is more of a problem, every ten days is too much. You need to get this sorted but I'm not sure how. maybe make plans of your own in the morning - detist, haircut, coffee with friends, and leave baby with him? short sharp lesson on not relying on the wife all the time....

Okay then, maybe you need to put it on the line to him - saying that now and again is okay - this frequently is not and you will not stay around to put up with it anymore.

I said to my DH that I understood the need to have a blowout but that I wasn't going to put up with it being a regular thing. When we married, I moved away from all of my friends & family to be with him and I said I wasn't going to stay here if he was going to behave like that.

As I said, he does still do it but less frequently. I do know what you mean about something 'popping up' - my DH wnet to a leaving do the other week and it inevitably turned messy - I so was not a happy bunny and he knew it. Where do you draw the line though? (Maybe I should have posted this thread!)

I understand the posters who say that they should not do it at all. But by the same token, I do think that some people want big nights out going past 11 and thats fine - its the frequency of this that would bother me.

We go out together once a week - not usually too late - plus each goes out with our own friends, every two weeks or so - tends to be much later, but even so it would be rare to be past 1 am. He also goes on work related social stuff, but I accept that as part of the job. Next week he's going to a massive social do and I don't expect him back that night (!) - but that would be once a year or so.

I do think letting off steam is normal, but the lateness and the fact that he can't function normally the next day would be a major factor. Do you think he is reacting to being a dad, ie feeling a bit trapped? Sorry, that sounds awful - I just wonder if he's having a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to that? He wouldn't be the first first-time dad to feel that way - maybe you could ask him if that's a factor?

Do you know the people he's out with? See again, I know DH's friends and they are a good bunch so I feel he's safe with them.

Sorry to hear of your situation anyway - my ds3 is 6 months and I know how important it is to feel you're getting support at home ....

What would his response be if you did that every 10 days?

Incidently, does he text you in a timely manner to say that he will miss the next feed....

Abetadad - I do agree that men don't NEED to, but I also think that there is nothing wrong in WANTING to iykwim?

I'm a happy SAHM mum but I really do want to let off steam sometimes and go and let my hair down the way I used to. It seems the frequency of how often the op's DH does this is the problem to me.

I also agree that the op needs to be able to do it too but from her posts I see that she doesn't want to yet, perfectly reasonable given the age of the baby!, I just couldn't be arsed at that stage!

Lukesmammy - yes I agree of course.

It is the intensity and frequency that is wrong to me. Every 10 days and getting hammered until 3 - 4 in the morning is way over the top.

Going out for a quiet drink a with a few mates and arriving home at around 11 reasonably sober is just fine in my book.

Mind you, the last time I went out on my own was 17 October 2006 and I arrived home at 9.30 p.m.

Possibly something wrong there I think.

Thanks for your replies - will try to talk to him about it. I appreciate your opinions, maybe I'll show him this thread.....

Sorry if someone has already said this but is it the same people each time? I wouldn't be surprised to find that actually his mates with friends go out once or twice a month but that he goes out with all of them IYSWIM. So week 1 would be OpsH plus mates 123 then next time OpsH plus mates 456 then mates 123 again...

Anyway, it is too much and the average adult male would have to have an awful lot of steam to need to let it of that much, that often!

I agree there is absolutely nothing wrong with a married man with a young baby also having a social life - it is the frequency and intensity of the nights out which I would find unreasonable.

My DH never does this. But then he is the man who uses me as an excuse to not have to go and watch the rugby at the pub because he would genuinely rather put his dds to bed .

KERALA1 - awhhh thats nice. He would rather be at home with you and his DDs.

Berri, if you're showing DH this thread - which I think is a good idea, then you might like my DDs imput as she read this over my shoulder. This is a 20 year old at uni with no real responsibilities
"God he goes out as much as I do and probably stays out later, and I wouldn't go out if I had lectures all of the next day, or a shift at work, let alone a dependant baby who I'm half responsible for"

While I think she feels us parents deserve a life at all she seems to have a better perspective as someone barely out her teens then a mature man.

I think you're well within your rights but I'm not sure it helps hearing how utterly wonderful everyone elses husbands are - I can say is you lucky lucky ladies!

My DH was like this too when we first had DS - perhaps not every ten days but certainly once a month would involve a bender until the early hours. Added to that if I asked him what time I can expect him home it caused a huge row so I stopped bothering to ask. This meant I couldn't sleep as I was always keeping one ear open and like you, would feel almost as ruff as he did the next day.

Three years later and he probably only goes out four maybe five times a year like this. But guaranteed he will have lost/forgotten his phone or his keys and be in such a mess. How DPs/DHs can get in these kind of states when they've got children is beyond me...much as I would love to forget all my responsibilities I just couldn't and wouldn't.

I guess for reassurance, they do grow out of it a little bit. My DH just can't deal with the hangovers anymore and to his credit he has always got up and joined in the days activitites no matter how little sleep he's had.

Perhaps that's the key - if he really does 'need' to go out every ten days then deal is that he still has to get up and function as normal the next day - that would soon put him off doing it as often.

HTH - I really do know where you're coming from.

Exactly woeisme! and berri, you can tell your H that my DP is also in his early 30s and doesn't do this!

How exactly is not being willing or able to do anything for or with you and DS the next day "being a great dad"?

YANBU it's selfish.

Not read all the posts...

Just wanted to say that IMO once every ten days is too often.

But that I do have friends with partners/DHs who do this so it's not entirely unusual. Their partners would prefer it was less frequent - and thinking about it over the years I think it has become less of a problem - they all have more than 1 DC now.

As for how to put a stop to it - that's the million dollar question.

Approaches that my friends have tried including:

• Putting DC in the car and going and collecting him from the pub
• Harrassing via mobile every 5 mins
• Limiting money (one of my friends is in charge of the cash so wouldn't give him anough to get blasted)
• Having conversations about why they need more support and how upset they get when they don't come home earlier
• Shouting and screaming
• Sulking
• Threats

I think the most effective method has been the talking and explaining, but from what I hear they get better for a couple of weeks and then it starts again.

I'm really sorry and hope that you can get him to calm down a bit - it is not fair of him to be doing it so often - and maybe a few conversations will be enough to make him see sense.

Please don't think that no-one else has this problem though, I think it is pretty common TBH.

And a lot are much worse. I know someone whose (ex)husband went down the pub on Friday night and wasn't seen again until Sunday lunchtime.

FWIW it's also annoying if you like going out drinking more than your DH. When we go out he has two halves and wants to come home, whereas I want to stay out longer!

brettgirl it's that way round in our household too