AIBU to absolutely hate my PIL long sorry

[ChezzaB]

When DS was about 9mo we asked my mom to look after him for the day so we could get some stuff done, which she happily said yes to, then we got a text from MIL asking if she could come round to see DS to which we said no cos he is with his nan. She was well PO'd. We just thought she would get over it however the next day she sent DP a text saying she needed to come over and could she do this on the Monday morning (knowing I guess that I would be at work) So she turns up crying her eyes out and saying to DP that she feels that she doesn't see DS enough and that FIL hardly ever sees him at all etc etc!!! She then goes on to say "you never bring him round to our house" (she has 2 Yorkshire Terriers who fight with each other and bite and she won't put them in another room while my DS is there so IMO it wouldn't be safe for my DS to be there especially as he is mobile and wants to be walking/crawling etc!
So anyway DP tells her this and she says she understands bout that bit but she would still like to see him more. This was all relayed to me on my lunch break so I go back to work in a foul mood!
Worse still to come.... Bout a month later we decide to tell everyone our happy news that we are expecting DS2, we had been for 12 week scan and invited MIL round to tell her, we showed her the scan and she just said oh is this another one!!!! No congratulations nothing! We went for a walk with her and DS so she could 'spend time with him' and she waits till DP is out of earshot and says to me " well I guess you got what you wanted then" I was like "WHAT" and she replies with well you managed to get him to propose and now you've got you're 2nd child too!!!" IMO and in JK's words it takes two to make a baby!!!
I am now 21weeks and DS just had his 1st birthday and we got this absolutely rubbish present from them I mean it was really skanky also the card which we want to put in his special things box didn't say grandson and didn't even say 1st birthday it was just generic! I know it's not about receiving things but my mom has bought us loads of stuff, loads and loads of clothes and she is a single mother of 4 with 2 grandchildren and 2 on the way and we have never had anything from her even DP noticed it the other day.! MIL is I think jealous of the relationship I have with my mom and obviously I will spend time with her when we go for coffee etc so invariably she spends more time with DS! and then to hack me off even more we invited them round to watch DS open his presents and she sat there and took pictures of my DN all morning and totally ignored DS so she obviously isn't that bothered! We then had a little party for DS the next day and they both came but while I was upstairs with DS showing my friend and her mom the nursary FIL just left didn't say goodbye or anything to me or DS and I was like WTF! I just don't get it! Sorry to ramble but just needed to off load! Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way or am IBtotallyU

YANBU, definately.

what has your dh said about her? does he know about the comments you've listed here?

Are you in a relationship with my XP? They sound just like his parents. Before I even met them, he said "my Mum is a right cow and my Dad is an ingorant sonofabitch". At least he had no illusions. Probably "no" to the weird relationship thing, but it cheers me that I am not the only poor sod that had to deal with unpleasant buggers like this.

DP was a bit of a mummy's boy when I first met him but since we had DS he has changed and shares my POV on some things he is maybe a bit more diplomatic though and says I should maybe make more of an effort when it comes to his mom! I am not sure he would appreciate me posting on here but I need to vent and say exactly what I need to say and not pussyfoot around it like I do with him! We all make such an effort with his mum even my mum has given up one of her babysitting days so she can do it! But this p's me off even more cos I come home from work at just after 4 and my DS is asleep (I only let him sleep till 3.30 latest) and then she says oh you shouln't wake him! I could rant forever about them honestly! Get this we had just started putting DS in his own cot to sleep and we asked PIL to babysit one afternoon they came round and I said he might get tired so just put him in his cot ad leave him he might cry but he will go to sleep, but I want him to get out of the habit of sleeping on people during the day, So where is he when I come home.... in FIL arms ASLEEP!!!!!!!!

YABU. And as the mother of (soon to be) two DSs you might end up with a DIL as immature and insensitive as you appear to be

well, i had a similar 'ignoring' of requests from my mil, so find you rectify things there and then but without eye contact, eg if ds n fils arms asleep, say, 'he needs to be sleeping by himsleft or you're making things harder for me and dh ' not looking either in the eye so you're not inviting any lip from them while picking up your dh from fils arms, or saying 'i don't want him sleeping past 3 o'clock' and wakingh up ds while npot looking at your mil while you speak to her. i found this odd tactic quite good strangely, it gets strangled mutterings of 'oh right' from mil now!

Foa did you read the op?? Mil said to her, "well I guess you got what you wanted then" I was like "WHAT" and she replies with well you managed to get him to propose and now you've got you're 2nd child too!!!" IMO and in JK's words it takes two to make a baby!!!"

And you think the op is being insensitive? Lol, I think you need to rethink that.

So you'd prefer your PIL to put your baby in a cot and leave him to cry rather than cuddle him? Are you mad?

I think if your MIL understands about the dogs thing and is prepared to spend time with your DS elsewhere then you should go ahead and do it. SHe is his grandmother too and she doesn't sound lilke she had been unreasonable, just a bit dramatic about your mum having him first.

I think you are being a bit mean about the presents. A present is a present and it is normally given in love. perhaps they are just different to your family and don't like going over the top with gifts - he is only 1 after all.

YABU
So only your own mother had babysitting days? Of course your mil felt pushed out. I have two boys and if mumsnet has taught me anything, its reading threads like this made me realise that I could be viewed as one of these mils one day
The woman loves your dp as much as you love your ds. Like her or not she is your ds's grandmother as much as your own mother is.
You need to practise smiling sweetly and just letting it all wash over you.

Honestly life with pils is much less stressful in the long run if you can do that.

I could rant all day about my mil, in fact I used to. Now I just let her get on with it. DP is less stressed because I'm not moaning about his mother all the time, and I am less stressed because, well I used to just get stressed over nothing when it came to mil.

Yes, Jodie, I read all the OP's rant: PILs got DS1 a "skanky" present, can't put the card into his "special things box" because it's - shock horror - "generic". OP won't take DS to see her DP's parents but then says MIL is jealous of her relationship with her mum who sees lots of DS. OP lists how much her mum gives in presents (does it matter??), says she hates PILs but lets them babysit and then complains because they didn't follow her orders to leave baby crying and instead let the baby sleep in his grandad's arms.

Immature, insensitive and spiteful.

No I never said my mom is the only one with babysitting days but my mom has reduced hers still further to accommodate MIL and excuse me for wanting my DS to have some sort of routine and not want to just sleep in peoples arms! I was not ordering them to do anything I just asked that he be put in his cot is that really too much to ask they didn't even put him in his cot thay just disregarded everything that I had asked! Do your children have a routine I'm sure they do and i'm also sure you are glad of it so why is there a problem with y DS having one too!

ChezzaB, I do not think that yabu. The only point I would disagree on is the present thing. Money does not buy love and lots of people make that mistake too.

At the end of the day nobody looks after your kids as well as you do (in my opinion!) and so if I wanted childcare I paid a professional or did it myself. This may seem harsh but I learned the hard way that grandparents will take offence if you critise their ways.
Don't let it get you down.
x

Foa I referred to the part of the post that I copied not the rest. I didn't agree with it all but that part was particularly bad from mil and I would be pissed off in the extreme had anyone said that to me. She bascialy inferred that the op managed to trick her son into asking her to marry him and getting pregnant. If she comes out with crap like that I'm not surprised the op reacts in the way she does tbh.

Sorry I sound like I don't let her have him at all, she does take him out in his pram and she will babysit sometimes too! I understand what you are saying about the present thing and as I said in the op I know it isn't all about receiving gifts etc so maybe on that point I can be referred to as immature and insensitive but I stand by everything else I have said!

TBH I would put baby with a CM or into nursery for those days that you are at work, and release all grandparents from the burden of having to look after the baby for you and therefore return to being grandparents not unpaid childcarers.

My DP cares for my DS for the majority of the day while I am at work as we work opposing shifts so they literally have him for an hour in the afternoon! It is only 3 days a week and they offered this so I could go back to work. DS is not a burden to them as I think it is pretty obvious from the bloody arguments they are happy to have him!

And you "absolutely hate" these people who love your DS so much?

maybe on that point I can be referred to as immature and insensitive but I stand by everything else I have said!

So why are you asking if yo're being unreasonable, if you only want people to agree with you? I think you're being very unreasonable, as it happens, I think Florence is spot on. If your mil is picking up on your attitude as clearly as it stands out in your posts then I'm not surprised she's unhappy.

You've posted in AIBU, presumably to check out anonymous opinion of the situation.

I think you sound unreasonable, a little spoiled and somewhat unwilling to share the people in your life you care about (dc and dh) with others who also care for them.

I agree mil's remark would be a wind-up. But it also sounds as though it could be "merely" insensitive and old-fashioned.

However, I think you and your dc are also incredibly lucky to have two sets of mil (his and yours) competing for the privilege of caring for your dc.

Have you chatted to any other mothers yet about their childcare arrangements? Do you know how much angst other women go through about this? How difficult and expensive it is? Most women pay over a sizeable whack of their earnings for childcare, just in order to keep their job going for when the dc are big enough to make it financially viable. Others are struggling to make ends meet.

And yes, mil probably is jealous of the relationship you have with your mom, because you are clearly in control (at this point) in the relationship and therefore whoever has the best relationship with you gets most access to your dc (and probably your dh too).

Could you not exercise your new-found power with a little mercy and grace?

Do you not think your pil may have wondered why you felt it necessary to take ds upstairs with you to show your friend and her mum the nursery, when you could just have easily have left him downstairs with them? It's not as if ds was going to tell your friend all about it, was he??
Perhaps your fil left without saying anything because he was really upset at your childish attitude but rather than upset his already temperamental dil felt that least said would be soonest mended???

OP - Your PIL clearly wind you up, but it sounds as though you're making it worse.

There is no such thing as free childcare - you will have to compromise and let them do things their way, or pay a CM or nursery - even then not everything will be exactly as you want it - that's the choice you make when you hand over childcare to someone else...I'm not being critical of WOHMs here, I'm one myself, but realistic.

I'd agree with what others have said - they love your ds and want to be with him - do your best to rise above any criticism and be nice to them. If that doesn't work over time, then you might need another tactic - but try this first.

I think that you have had a problem with them from the start and it is just getting worse and will continue that way unless you both make an effort to repair things. Your MIL obviously feels a second class grandmother, which she is.
The dogs are a problem but she seemed to accept that one. I didn't understand the present and card thing-I would never get a card with grandson on it and a one year old doesn't need much in the way of presents.
I should make a fresh start and be nice to them-it would make life much easier.

if im honest reading that it sounds like they feel pushed out that you dont go out of your way to make them feel included

your comparing them to your mum and reading into it to much such as the gift they got to what your mum got

never compare just accept it and be grateful its the thought that counts

they also obviously are not forming much of a bond as it seems to always be an excuse why you wont go there

arrange days for them to come to you no harm in that

you a5re upstairs with a friend and they left maybe they didnt feel welcome i feel from the way its written you may not make them feel welcome

they have every right to be involved and you should be making sure your ds has strong relationship with his other nanna my mum sees my ds alot more but its important to me he bonds with his other grandparents i never compare gifts he doesnt always get grandson cards or number cards for his b day but i read the words and the fact they bothered is enough

my ds will benefit more from the love of family around him than gifts and cards that means more to parents but thats materialistic and not important at all lots of gifts doesn't equal love

and your mum has a stronger bond and wants to spoil they want to have a stronger bond and you shoud be loving this and allowing them to

whatever the circumstances with them your ds shouldn't be left out and neither should they grin and bare them for your ds sake and don't think bad of them they seem to be wanting to do more and presents is not important

let them have a day on there wn with him if always when others around you can guarantee someone else has got him and there not getting any quality time they need there own time

and dont keep comparing them to your mum to your dp there his parents and the thoughts you are bringing up are irrelevant why think bad of them for such silly things give them the opportunity to do more and you will probably find they will give more as they will be rewarded with time with there grandson and fell its appreciated and wanted

we had similar situation with my brothers ex no one was good enough except her family we couldn't afford expensive presents ours were slagged off it is so hurtful as in our hearts they were sent with love and they got slated because weren't as good as her families

unfortunately our bond with nephew was affected and we hardly saw him so we didn't send much over anymore as it wasn't liked anyway but we didn't want him to feel we didst care but it is hurtful to feel your not as good when all we wanted was time and bond with him sadly we still don't get it

the only person who really suffers is him as he doesn't get to see us anymore and my mum hurts as she cant understand what she has done wrong we didn't do anything we just we rent as good as her family

my mum sent x mas present last year no thanks just sent back it was wrong one and wasnt happy with it mu mum was in tears