to be mad at my mum for these scandalous illegal actions? What should i do!!

[AliceMumma]

For 22 years my mum and dad were married, me being the oldest of 7 kids. They were both Christian and Dad was "The head of the house" and would make me and mum wear long skirts, no tv, no radio, home schooled etc.. But in general he was a good loving hard working father and husband that worked hard to support the family of 9.

Then i moved out at age 16 cos didnt get on with Dads rules, and then mum and dad moved to Aussie taking all of my siblings.

Mum had no friends and Dad would work all day
then get home and complain about the mess etc.

Mum made friends with my 15 and 17 year old brothers friend (she was 45 at the time and is 49 now) and ended up constantly sneaking out to see him and ended up sleeping with him!!!! I went to visit in the middle of it all, and never have i seen my Dad shed a tear, but he was brokenly crying in front of me... He tried for 6 months to make it work but she kept lying and sneaking and so he left. He lives in Aussie still and has an American girlfriend.

She is now back in NZ and has 4youngest kids and is so irresponsible.

Her actions have included:

Leaves 12 year old to babysit 6 and 8 year old at night when she parties]

Hired a stripper for my brothers 18th birthday

Supplys alcahol to minors and got banned from the bottle store

Partys with the teenagers

Lets my 13 year old sister have sex with her 19 year old boy friend, and let him move in. (Mum gave her the pill and just warned against geting preg as mum had a baby herself at age 14)

Slept with more young guys(another one being another brothers friend)

Smokes dak, has a few shots,and drives with the kids in car at midnight (she got breathalised that night but was only a youth fail for the alachol)

Asked me to cut all their hair 1 week after i had my second child and was shocked when i asked her to bring dinner over in exchange

Has big fake boobs that she flaunts and wears tiny hot pants to my dd's second birthday

Refuses to think theres anything wrong with her actions!!!!!

Seriously, its EMBARASSING! My dh has the most normal family ever and so did i until a few years ago....!!!

Is she having some sort of a breakdown?

well, too bad for the neglect for your siblings but she certainly isn't boring. it sounds like the classic rebellion against authority, that being your dad. he sounds like tough rules but loving and providing. your mom sounds like she's felt unloved and under-appreciated and found 'love' in teenage boys... of course they are going to pay attention to a nice looking MILF. but yes, her behaviour is outrageous.

oh. what kind of 19 year old boy has sex with a 13 year old girl. that's statutory rape... or is it ok in the land of AUS? (mind you, what kind of mom lets her 13 year old have sex?)

It sounds like your mum is rebelling & trying to recapture her lost youth.

Not the right way to go about it but I agree with Lawks & think she may be going through some kind of breakdown.....or she just feels free & has gone a bit, well a lot of the rails.

YANBU to be upset & embarrassed.

sounds abit like my mother. It is difficult, and the worst bit is the teenager's who hang around don't like her they just go to hers so that they can smoke and drink. My mum never got off with any of them, but she liked to think she was the cool parent letting them smoke/drink/have sex/do drugs, tinking that it was a safe enviroment for them to do this, these were other people's kids so it wasn't her decision to make.

The only advice i can give you is just to wait, it will pass (maybe not entirely, but it will get better) maybe she will find friends of her own age and that will straighten things out a bit.

I am quite lucky because i live 40mins drive away from my mother and she doesn't visit me, so i can control how often i see her and for how long, and things have worked a lot better that way

I think that it is normal behaviour for someone who has been oppressed and I agree with MrsMagoo, she is finally rebelling and trying to capture her lost youth.
He seems over controlling. Making her wear long skirts is extreme-most women want to wear trousers-especially if they are looking after 9 children. No TV and radio cut her off from the outside world. Did he let her have her own friends and go out on her own? I would guess not. If she had 9 children she probably married him when she was young and has realised that he took her youth. Did she want to home school?
He may have been loving and hard working but he seems to have had his family exactly where he wanted them-at home under his control.
She has finally flipped. I have seen it twice. One was a woman who was under the control of her strict father and when he died she was in her 30's, dressed and behaved like a teenager and sadly committed suicide. The second was a woman with a very strict, methodist, lay reader father who ruled her mother, sisters and herself with a rod of iron. She married very young to get away. Had a child and was a typical wife and mother. When she got to 35 she realised that she had never had her youth and went off with a 19yr old 'boy'.
I think you need to be supportive and try and get her to talk.
It is a rebellion and her lost youth. Your father isn't the innocent victim.

if your younger siblings are in danger you need to call social services. esp the 13 year old and the babysitting.

chefswife ...erm NO, 19yr old boys are not allowed to have sex with 13yr old girls in Australia!

i feel sorry for her she clearly missed out on alot and is now doing things to try and make herself happy and going the wrong way about it

the thing is she lost out on alot at a young age was controlled for years not many people her own age are out partying so the younger group would be a constant source of escape and release for her

as long as the boys are consenting and over age then i as much as dont agree but then why not a smen do it and are patted on the back

the fact the 13 yr old is responsible is the thing that worries me as the 13 yr old is now missing out on being a teenager by being parent this needs to be addressed your mum has to not be told what she's doing is wrong but that she is just going about it the wrong way

she has found a confidence she should be proud of but still needs to be responsible parent

your father is happy now your mum still clearly isnt

my friends mum was the same and she has calmed down on her own but still hangs around with younger guys as there the ones out every night

when i came out of controlling relationship not quite the same as i was young but i partied for well over a yr was hanging around with who ever was out to keep me company it was needed i needed to feel wanted i needed to feel in control i calmed when i met someone special maybe she will too

just be there try and get her to be with the children more but im sure staying in would be like locking herself up now but gradually she will calm down just tell her to make sure the other children dont suffer

not sure what to make of the 19 and 13 yr old situation it is statutory rape but also she would probably do this behind your mums back other wise and wind up pregnant where as with knowledge she has precautions i still feel his too old but not much can be done about that unless your mum wanted to get him done for it

I have just read it again and feel so sorry for your mother. You need to give her support. She had a baby at 14yrs old! She wasn't able to do all the normal things that teenagers do. She was completely controlled and then he took her to another country where she knew no one. As she had no friends it was hardly surprising that she befriended the people that she did come across-your brother's friends. The 13 yr old is too young for sex but your mother must have had sex at that age. I would say that her development got arrested at 14 yrs and she is taking it up from where she left off!
You left home at 16 yrs (2 yrs older than she was when she had a child) because you couldn't take all his rules and yet you expect your poor mother to take them until she dies! You got out-she got out and needs help and understanding from you.

'Seriously, its EMBARASSING! My dh has the most normal family ever and so did i until a few years ago....!!! '

I don't think your mother should stay in an abusive relationship to save you embarrassment and your family was never normal!!

'

I'm just impressed that after 7 kids she can wear hotpants!

So she leaves a 12 yo in charge of a 6 and 8yo.
She supplies alcohol to children.
She lets a 19yo man have sex with her 13yo child.
She drinks and drives with her own children in the car.

Are the boys she has sex with also underage?

Reality - which of those do you think are perfectly reasonable things for a 49yo woman to do?

She is putting these children in danger. They are your brothers and sisters and you have a responsibility to protect them. Your mother has failed them big time. You need to act, because I guarantee that when those children are older and look back at their childhoods, they will be asking where you were.
Call social services and report her. These children are vulnerable, they cannot report her, but you can.

Leaves 12 year old to babysit 6 and 8 year old at night when she parties] -->Depending on personality and ability of 12 yr old, could be fine

Hired a stripper for my brothers 18th birthday --> lots of people do, nothing to get your knickers in a twist about, although I can see that it may conflict with your Christian upbringing

Supplys alcahol to minors and got banned from the bottle store --> hmm, jury out on this one- was it her behaviour or the fact she is giving it minors that had her banned? Also, how young were these minors?

Partys with the teenagers--> Why would anybody want to?

Lets my 13 year old sister have sex with her 19 year old boy friend, and let him move in. (Mum gave her the pill and just warned against geting preg as mum had a baby herself at age 14) --> mad and bad and misguided in my view

Slept with more young guys(another one being another brothers friend) --> again potentially misguided from a family relationship pov but ultimately none of anybody else's business- think Mrs Robinson

Smokes dak, has a few shots,and drives with the kids in car at midnight (she got breathalised that night but was only a youth fail for the alachol) --> May be very silly dependig on how much she has taken

Asked me to cut all their hair 1 week after i had my second child and was shocked when i asked her to bring dinner over in exchange --> sounds quite self-absorbed but plenty of that about if you read a few mother and MIL threads on MN. Keep yourself sane is my advice and learn to say NO!

Has big fake boobs that she flaunts and wears tiny hot pants to my dd's second birthday--> again, her business, but probably makes your hair stand up...

I think it sounds as though you need to try not let any of it get under your skin and make sure your young siblings know you are there for them if they need you. Also, where is your dad in all this? Does he have no opinion on how his children are being brought up?

Actually one of the guys were under age, she could be in jail. Also my 12 year old sis had a crush on him too...

My sistr has since broken up with the 19 yr old.

I dont really care how she lives her life but just want a normal mother every now and again, she talks and talks about herself and then leaves, i cant get a word in about my life or my new baby...

And feel bad for my lil siblings

Agree with Riven.

Why is it always the mother that takes all the blame? Hardly fair is it when there is a father there, of course he must be so hard done by though....poor bloke...

It sounds to me as if you haven't quite shaken off your father's rules, yet.

"I dont really care how she lives her life but just want a normal mother every now and again, she talks and talks about herself and then leaves, i cant get a word in about my life or my new baby..."

So is this really more about you than your mother and your siblings?

I can understand why you feel embarrassed - she does sound like she has gone a bit loopy. But as others have said, blimey, it's understandable!

Of course, you don't have to like it or approve, but you can offer a listening ear to your siblings at least, and try to help where you can? Even if social services were involved, I think they would probably consider offering support more useful than criminalising her, so perhaps that's the tack you should take? So YANBU, but yeah you kind of are aswell...

I can understand going loopy after all those rules. She should be allowed to decide what to wear, I think it is disgusting that your dad made her wear long skirts! But she is going to have to get a grip on her parenting; partying and wearing hotpants is one thing. But letting a 13yr old have sex, and drink driving is neglect.

I think she needs help and you should try and get her to have some counselling, because unfortunately it is affecting your younger siblings. The two cases that I mentioned earlier were seriously disturbed women, the first so much so that she took her own life. I lost touch with the second so I don't know if she got her life back on track-the relationship with the 19yr old ended in tears.
Your mother spent 22 yrs with an abusive husband-has she got anyone she can turn to-parents, siblings, friends? I could guess that she was forced to cut off contact years ago. You can't expect her to suddenly be a well balanced, fully functioning adult after years of being 'controlled' by someone else.
How is he with the girlfriend? Does she get to wear her own clothes, go out without him, have her own friends etc?
I can't believe that you have so little understanding when you couldn't hack it yourself at the young age of 16yrs.

She adopted the dd out that she had at 14.

I was brought up really happy, we always did things as a family and mum went along with the rules and enforced them herself too. SHE brought me up as a christian my whole life and then all of a sudden she changes and expects me to go along with it all!!!
We had a horse and a go kart and motor bike and 10 acres and a big huge house and mum was happy, even tho the rules were strict, they were only like that for about 5 years of it all. The last 4 years of the relationship Dad loosened up, got her the boob job and a radio and tv and let her wear what she wanted, but it still wasnt enough for her.

Its not all about me, its just that iv known her as a totally different "mumsy" type lady that just loved spending time with the family and had a lovely garden and house and didnt have to work, Dad would encourange her to spend on herself to look nice and would help around the house too. (he just went thru a funny bretheren patch because of the certain church we went to at the time).

Now my siblings are bearing the brunt of her actions while she parties and has fun.

My dh went over there 2 months ago,and my 8 year old sis was at home alone.....Shes 8!!!

I can imagine that she wants to have fun, but i think she should do it responsibly! Not drink/smoke and drive and have stripper/stoner/sex partys with my 3 youngest siblings lying in bed listening to it all.

Its just not the mum i know she was/can be...
And she actually seems more unhappy now then she ever was. A year ago she was begging Dad to get back with her...

And in response to RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg:

Yes the boy was underage

12 year old babysitting is illegal in nz you have to be 14

Parties with the teenagers includes allowing them to smoke illegal drugs and drinking alcahol. This includes the 13 year old.

Hiring a stripper: I watched a Dr Phil episode where exactly that happend and he ripped the mother to shreds saying this is NOT ok. When the stripper actually arrived, Mum was "doing it" stoned to blazes in her room with brothers friend, and every one knew and told the stripper to wait!

I cant believe you would actually condone these things...