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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag weekend...

50 replies

NicEm · 07/04/2009 10:47

Quick background - DH's friend from school is getting married later in the year and they have all decided to go to Scotland rafting etc for a weekend in June. the bare minimum will cost £300 plus food, drink, various extras (weird outfits for groom etc!) Al in all i reckon £600 at least.

Well we can't even afford the passport (do you still need one for internal flights?) - and I am working on the Saturday (as I am every Saturday between now and August.

This is where I started getting annoyed - DH told the groom that he couldn't go so the groom then decided to ring me - he kept going on and on about how much he wanted DH to go and how he would pay. He then proceeded to ask me why my parents and sister couldn't babysit the kids whilst I worked (they are 9,6 and 1) For lots of reasons this is not easy and FFS - what has it got to do with him? I would also have to take the kids whereever before coming home to get workstuff and then get to work - not fair.

I didn't go to my oldest friends' hen weekend last month because of time and money and went to the meal instead - why should he get to go?

AIBU getting cross that groom rang me up and went on and on...... I felt compeletly bulldozed?

AIBU getting cross that DH says he's going - I think it's humiliating having someone else pay and realistically there's no way it won't cost anything?

thanks!

OP posts:
Luxmum · 07/04/2009 11:06

He's a stupid, groom, you know it. DH knows, btu wants to go away, and doesnt care right now about it being paid for. I'm not sure what you can do about babysitting etc, but DH is going to have to cop on, or maybe just go for a day or so, rather than the full shebang, it's what my Dh is doing for his mates stag this summer..
PS you dont need passports for internal flights, well I dont think you do..

BunnyLebowski · 07/04/2009 11:20

I second Luxmum....groom had no place ringing you and pestering you.

Your DH IBU is expecting to be able to go at all imo....especially since you missed out on your mate's hen. There's no way he would go and end up not spending anything at all!

He should accept that given the cost and the fact that you have dcs and that you have to work he should either go for a day or not go at all.

That's what my DP is doing for his mate's stag in August (when I'll be on the last 3 months of MAT Leave and earning zilch)

Why oh why do stag and hen dos have to be so damn epic and extravagant these days? What's wrong with a piss-up down the local?

gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 11:28

i think you are being slighly unreasonable. if the groom has offered to pay then let him. your dh will respect you much more if you are reasonable about him going rather than a flat no.
you just need a picture proof for the flight i think, like a driving license.
why dont you tell him he can go if he saves up his own spending money,like give up any luxuries he spends on now, like going out, beer, cigarettes?
and the weekend he gets back, he takes the kids out so you get some me time too

Nancy66 · 07/04/2009 11:30

I really detest stag and hen dos that turn into 2 or 3 day adventures - what happened to just getting trashed in the local pub?

I think couples are very unreasonable to expect people to fork out hundreds on their stag and hen parties only to do the same a few weeks later for the wedding.

You're not being unreasonable and the groom was a 24 carat tosser for haranguing you on the phone in that way.

Bubbles01 · 07/04/2009 11:32

The groom is being completely selfish and completely unfair bothering you.

Bunnylebowski - I completely agree, I recently had my hen night and we went for a meal and drinks afterwards, but everyone was asking why I wasn't going away, which was annoying!

I agree it does get humilating to let your friends pay for you - I think if people want to go away for the hen / stag weekends they can't expect people to pay that much - thats unfair..

Original poster
NicEm · 07/04/2009 11:36

GM05 - thanks for the reply - this is kind of how I feel when trying to be objective but a couple of years ago this happened with another friend - this time it was to Virgina in the States. His mum paid but it ended up costing us £500 - we didn't have a family holiday that year - AND two of them ended up in jail for the night for being drunk - AND they went to the wrong airport on the way home and missed their flight - so they were away another night.

Re money - he cannot and will not plan and budget - he feels that he shouldn't have to....

I also have never ever told him what to do - I never wanted to be like that but now I feel that I want to for the first time ever - and I'm annoyed that he just shouldn't be considerate for himself without making me the bad guy..

We are in the south so he couldn't go to this just for one night but i'm sure there will be numerous other piss-ups.......

OP posts:
clam · 07/04/2009 11:37

Sounds like they're wallowing in the " 'er indoors won't let me out" cliche, hence the phone call.
YANBU. I think I would have coolly pointed to the groom that this is a family matter to be sorted out between you and DH, and that his primary responsibility is towards his family.
Perhaps DH could go once he has made cast-iron babysitting arrangements for his children for the times you're at work, including ferrying them about.
Re: passports. I think you need photographic ID, but that could be a driving licence. Check on the airline's website.

Original poster
NicEm · 07/04/2009 11:41

Oh - and he knew the groom was going to call and didn't warn me.......

OP posts:
gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 11:45

sit him down, tell him how you feel.tell him he MUST save his own spending money by saving.
hes a grown man, surely he can do this if he wants to go so badly, make it a condition of the trip. you are more than entitled to me time if he goes, make sure you get it!
i do not think it is degrading if the groom pays, as long as he did not make it an issue or boast to the other stags. obviously he wants your dh to go, must think alot of him, take it as a compliment. you and dh have a family to support, i assume he has not yet, so can afford it.

mamas12 · 07/04/2009 11:47

Nicem there is a way not to be his 'parent' by pointing out the consequences if he decides to go. That will include curtailed spending and trips out/holidays as a family also him looking after dcs a lot more to make up for your me time. Spell it out, write it down even if you think it might make more of an impact. But make it clear these are the consequences and then FOLLOW through. His decision his consequences.
The only other alternative is to make noises about spending the equivalent on something he would consider !! and see his reaction.
Agree also with clam, how dare he humiliate you with those men!

beanieb · 07/04/2009 11:49

Grrom has no right or place to hassle you but I am a bit confused as you say your OH has said he won't go but now is saying he will?

I would say tell your OH that he needs to sort out the child care issue if he wants to go.

beanieb · 07/04/2009 11:52

"Oh - and he knew the groom was going to call and didn't warn me....... "

just read this bit. TOTALLY out of order as this implies that your OH has allowed his friend to believe that you are the reason he can;'t go.

If it were me I would meet up with the Groom, with your husband and get your Husbgand to talk to him in front of you about the real reasons he can't go (Cash and the care of your children) not just that you 'won't let him'.

I'd be livid.

Original poster
NicEm · 07/04/2009 11:53

I know you make sense GM05 but I'm identifying more with everyone else!! the reason I have worked to get a career that pays well for evening and weekend work was so I could save on childcare costs etc and be there for the kids as much as I can.

Because it's the weekend my work isn't taken seriously - even though some months I earn nearly what he does for what I do. What would happen if I decided to go away for a night or two midweek and said - well I deserve it, tough luck, you have to deal with kids, find help etc all by yourself (not a certainty either)? I never get proper time on my own....

Thanks for all your thoughts!!

OP posts:
beanieb · 07/04/2009 11:54

could your husband travel up on he Saturday evening for part of the stag do?

Callisto · 07/04/2009 11:55

I would be furious with DP if he had allowed one of his friends to phone me up like this - but then DP is mature enough to put me and DD first and would rather spend this sort of money on a holiday for all of us. I think the groom is being unbelievably selfish, but your DP hasn't exactly covered himself in glory here either.

Original poster
NicEm · 07/04/2009 11:56

beanie - he originally told groom he couldn't go hence the apparent scheming - I have now found out that he fully intends to go...... - at the moment.......

OP posts:
TrillianEAstraEgg · 07/04/2009 11:56

Groom probably called you because your DH implied that it was a case of 'DW won't let me go' rather than money/babysitting issues.

I am more worried about your DH's general attitude to money: "he cannot and will not plan and budget - he feels that he shouldn't have to...."

Tell him to get a grip and grow up.

beanieb · 07/04/2009 11:58

I suppose, then, you need to tell him that you will be leaving the kids home alone if he goes.

gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 12:01

nicem...you never get time on your own, god i can sympathise there. i get no me time at all! i am either at work or looking after the kids. i have no one to have the kids and when dp is here he very rarely takes them out without me.

would you not be prepared to use the trip as a way of barterring some time to your self. get him to take the kids out for afew full days before the trip,have a holiday day off work or throw a sickie. or even get him to do it in a regular basis. i hope this helps.
it sounds to me that if he was more reasonable and gave you some quality time you would be far more amicable about the trip. sorry if you dont agree, just concerned for you

TrillianEAstraEgg · 07/04/2009 12:02

Don't be silly beanieb - there is no way she will be leaving children of 9, 6, and 1 home alone and it never helps to make threats that people know you cannot follow through with.

HolyGuacamole · 07/04/2009 12:23

I hate all this epic stag and hen do palaver. I agree with the people who say "what's wrong with going to the local pub/town for a night out?". I mean it's ok if you can afford to go away and spend £600 for 3 days. It's crap how people are expected to cough up hundreds of pounds to go on these do's, on top of that there is all the expense of the wedding, outfits, gifts etc. It's not fair.

Could your DH say to the guy "look thanks for offering to pay, but it's just totally not practical for me to go. Why don't we arrange another night out when you get back so that I can still help you celebrate?". That is compromise and a good friend would understand and accept that.

Original poster
NicEm · 07/04/2009 12:27

The kids are also not invited to the wedding at 1pm on a bank holiday when all my family are busy or away........... but that's another thread..!!!

OP posts:
beanieb · 07/04/2009 12:35

I wasn't being silly - I was telling her to be facaetious. If thre is no childcare tehn How on earth can he possibly go. He needs this drummed into him IMO.

gardeningmum05 · 07/04/2009 12:38

why arent your kids invited? thats awful

PurpleCrazyHorse · 07/04/2009 12:50

My DH has gone from London to Glasgow in one day using very cheap early/late flights booked in advance. However, I think you've got bigger issues here than just one stag do.

If you can't afford it, then it seems like that's the end of it. Plus, I think his past stag do behaviour speaks volumes. You're right, it's not going to be free even if the groom pays.

If he goes then your DH has to take cash only (saved from not having whatever he can give up) and get him to leave his cards at home. Tough luck if he gets stranded at an airport with no money! He'll have to grovel to his parents to bail him out.

Good luck