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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

absent fathers

32 replies

darklight · 07/04/2009 08:01

to be pissed off with all the rights of absent father. What about the rights of my son to grow up with parents that love him and make him safe and happy. My son is nearly 10 and has had no real contact with his father since we left when he was a baby and dispite the fact that his father was an abusive drunk and that dispite this the lack of contact has been down to the fathers lack of interest not down to me not allowing contact when we first split up.He has the right to just decide when it suits him to rock up and disrupt all our lives when ever he feels like it. SICK OF HEARING ABOUT RIGHTS FOR FATHERS ABOUT TIMNE THEY WERE RIGHTS FOR CHILDREN AND FAMILIES

OP posts:

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 07/04/2009 08:25

I hear ya

confused99 · 07/04/2009 08:57

I don't normally post, and I may get some stick for this.

But why did you have a child with an abusive drunk?

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 07/04/2009 09:00

maybe he wasn't an abusive drunk when they had the child, but became one and that's why she left?

VinegarTitsTheVirginNun · 07/04/2009 09:12

I hear what your saying too, but one day soon, your ds will be old enough to tell the useless fecker to stay out of his life, until then just grin and bear, that way he can't blame you for influencing your ds, ime children see through wanker fathers like this

Just make sure your ds knows that he has every right to not see his father if it is upsetting him

slightlycrumpled · 07/04/2009 10:02

I know what you are saying! My DS1 has not seen his biological father since he was a few weeks old. I never stopped contact - he just stopped coming. Io was lucky to have a good enough job that I did not need to waste time and energy trying to get financial support so all contact ceased.

I have since married a lovely man and had another child. He is daddy to DS1 and it frightens me that his bio dad could just waltz into his life and be allowed to do so.
YANBU.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 07/04/2009 10:23

Yes Cornsilk, you may get some stick for that and if you do, then rightly so because it's a snidey irrelevant comment which lone parents have heard a million times before (yawn) and snidiness for its own sake does sometimes get short shrift on Mumsnet. If you are genuinely interested in finding out why women sometimes make mistakes in choosing their partners and are not just coming on this thread to take an easy pop at lone parents, then please refer to this thread here:

explanations for the self-righteous

I have decided that I am going to link to that thread every time a lone parent is asked to justify her life choices. So I'm expecting to have to do a lot of linking to it.

twinsetandpearls · 07/04/2009 10:33

I cant see a post from cornsilk.

Of course there are some women who through no fault of their own have a child with a man who turn into feckless abusive losers.

But there are women who do know what they are getting into, I know because I was one of them. I lived with a complete twat for years and put with with his selfish emotionally abusive beahviour for years. I stayed because I wanted the money and was scared of starting on my own. I was stupid to have a child with him and dont really feel I have a right to ask anything of him as I knew what he was like. Luckily I learnt from my mistakes.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 07/04/2009 10:39

Oh I'm so sorry I didn't mean cornsilk, I meant confused99. I must have been on another thread with cornsilk, if you are around CS many apologies!

twinsetandpearls · 07/04/2009 10:46

itsbeenashock · 07/04/2009 10:49

confused-obviously because she she wanted to fuck up her own life and that of her childs

OP-yanbu

mayorquimby · 07/04/2009 10:52

so fathers shouldn't have rights?

messymissy · 07/04/2009 10:52

only just found this thread, but good for you herbeatitudelittlebella, good link.

I read in a book, an answer to why women 'choose' abusive men......well, we don't! They don't advertise it at the start of a relationship, they are on their best behaviour until they feel they have got you in a vunerable position - dependant - and that usually is when baby is on the way.

I have stood aghast when I have heard other women say they have no sympathy for women in bad relationships, it means they made bad choices. Usually it means they were just trusting and hopeful in the beginning and did not recognise the warning signs for what they were.

I'm fed up too - fathers have loads of rights and its the mums who pick up the pieces time and time again.

marleysmum87 · 07/04/2009 10:56

Same here, I left my ex when I found out he'd been cheating on me - and she was also pregnant!!
Since then he's had at least 3 other kids, despite proclaiming that he had a vasectomy years ago, so my DD couldn't possibly be his
Since then, he's admitted he is the father, seen her about 3 times, all at his convenience, but only after ringing me up and trying to get in my knickers first.
Oh, and all i've had form him is a bottle of ribena
Apart from my beautiful angel princess DD of course - which means I can never hate him, without him, I wouldn't have her, and she's my world.

marleysmum87 · 07/04/2009 11:03

from him of course.
Oh, and he wasn't abusive to me ( even though he's built like a brick shithouse) but I saw the cuts and bruises on the poor woman that came after me and I'm glad i got out when I did.
He's not the sort of person I want around my child, so I chose to shut him out.
His name is not on the birth certificate so he has no rights whatsoever.
Add this to the fact that in total, he has around 10 children from age 18 to newborn, and that he only takes responsibility for 2 of them.
Oh, and when I challenged him to a DNA test to prove he was my DD's dad, he said " well I'll go to hospital and get a blood transplant, so the blood won't match and the test will be negative."

slightlycrumpled · 07/04/2009 11:05

He sounds a right charmer marleysmum!

itsbeenashock · 07/04/2009 11:07

of course decent fathers should have rights mayor. ffs, a lot of these fathers don't give a toss about their kids, if a man fathers a child and has issues or problems then of course every effort should be made to help him be a consistent role in his child(s) life but those that really couldn't give a shit, and would do anything to get themselves out of living up to their resposiblilites shouldn't have any 'rights' No.

dittany · 07/04/2009 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 07/04/2009 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 07/04/2009 11:14

I think the courts should pay much more attention to the rights of the child to be protected from seriously bad fathers. And that includes the perpetrators of domestic violence - seems obvious to me and to any right-thinking person that someone who beats up the mother is NOT a good father and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children.

jennybensmummy · 07/04/2009 11:40

My ex partner was physically and mentally abusive to me and physically abusive to my son until i left him (the ex not my son) when my son was 5 months old, i had the police and social services involved and as a result he was told he could only have supervised access, he chose not to bother and tro sod off back to his mothers a couple of hours drive away - im more than happy with that!! My son is 3 and a half with autism and i believe is very vulnerable due to the fact he has limited understanding due to his autism and he would happily go with anyone. Yet my rights as a mother who protected him seem to be very similar to the rights of a man who beat his son and has nothing to do with him. He doesnt pay for him and keeps ringing up the child support agency - well actually getting a woman to - pretending to be me to say i no longer want any money, even though as he keeps quitting jobs when they catch onto where he is i have had none anyway!! Yet legally he has a right to know where we are living!?!? AT present he doesnt know as i have not told him but he could legally ask a solicitor to request that and i cannot refuse apparently!!! however i am going to see a solicitor about this and to see if the courts can allow me to change my sons name without his permission as how will i explain to a child what a monster his father is when he wonders why his name is different?! and why should he know where we are when i am terrified of him even though im in a new relationship and have been for some time and i do not believe he is safe around ben and the police and social services all said that too as he got supervised access only yet legally he is allowed to know where we are, its madness!!!! so in essence i have waffled on but no i dont think youre being unreasonable at all!!

jennybensmummy · 07/04/2009 11:41

oh and i should add to people who think its just that easy to not have a baby in an abusive relationship, until you have been in that position you have no right to criticise as its rarely that easy

messymissy · 07/04/2009 11:48

Jenny - are you sure he has a legal right to know where you are living. I have been to a solictor only two weeks ago who told me all i have to provide is a mobile phone number, and that any access is to be supervised and doesn't have to be at my new home, but at a contact centre. If he disagrees he will have to take me to court, something the solicitor says the exs rarely follow through with due to the cost and hassle.

document the ongoing abuse (the calls are harassment) as this is evidence that will help further limit his access.

Be strong - you are doing the right think to get specific legal advice.

jennybensmummy · 07/04/2009 12:00

i saw a solicitor not long after we split so almost 3 years agho and was told this, he does have parental responsibility though so that may have something to do with it?! my ex goes to a solicitor once in a while when he quits his job due to csa catching up with where he is, as when he isnt working he can get legal aid! the calls to csa cant be proved to be him so dont think they would count?! gonna have to ask a solicitor all this too, not sure my free half hour will cover it but we will see!!! he hasnt seen him since he was 5 months old so im thinking its all a control thing so hopefully we will get somewhere through courts but not sure, i would keep bens name the same and not be so worried if he actually saw him at a contact centre but to me if he doesnt want to see him or pay for him why should he have the right to stopping me change his name or if ben was to have an accident or something and somehow he found out if i died or something - uinlikely i know but you never know! why would he then have the right to decide on bens treatment when he has no idea of bens medication, allergies etc!

messymissy · 07/04/2009 12:19

my p also has parental responsibility and in theory does have rights to help decide schooling etc but my solictor was confident that he has no right to our new address, only a contact number.

Not too sure about the name thing, I want to change dd's too.

May be an idea to send your solicitor a list of your questions in advance - i did and it kept the session short and to the point - took 45 mins.

you will need to do a will - if you did die - as the father your ex could apply for residency!

Why not get the whole thing resolved now, - if your new partner is a keeper (!) and you are getting married and he is effectively acting as daddy to your ds, why not ask the solicitor about your new partner/husband adopting your son and your ex signing over any parental rights - he may be willing to do this is the csa were no longer after him??

BouncingTurtle · 07/04/2009 12:20

Mayorquimby - because with RIGHTS comes RESPONSIBILITIES and some of these fathers want the former without the latter.

Confused99 - well done, hope you feel really good about yourself that you managed not to have a child with abusive drunk, so you can look down with pity at the women that do.
Hope you have a good read of that thread that LittleBella linked to - maybe that will help you be more understanding and less judgemental!

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