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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep in a separate bed? snoring...

35 replies

potatofactory · 07/04/2009 06:46

I love my dh during the day - I really do. At night I can feel like I want to divorce him NOW and never see him again. He snores like a train and it is a real misery.

What do people do about this?

OP posts:
SamJamsmum · 07/04/2009 06:51

A separate bed isn't the end of the world. We have done it for periods and it's worked best for us. You can always start in bed together and move once he falls asleep. How does he feel about it?

Leedsmum2b · 07/04/2009 07:04

YANBU. I have a small baby who is sleeping very well at the moment, but I'm constantly woken by DH's snoring, which makes me feel murderous! Hope things improve for you soon.

JackBauerKilledTheEasterBunny · 07/04/2009 07:14

We have a bed in teh spare room always mad eup and if he is snoring too much (or I am fidgeting, which drives him mad) one of us decamps there. The only times DH sleeps in there from the start is if he has a really early shift and I am tired so he doesn't wake me when he leaves but other than that we at least start the night in the same bed!

stuckmum · 07/04/2009 07:22

YANBU. We have opposite problem, I snore much worse than DH and he's a really light sleeper anyway. Usually I try to make sure he's asleep before me and that works OK most of the time.

A couple of months ago I had tonsillitis and snored way worse than usual. DH was getting no sleep at all so moved into the spare room. At first I felt a bit sad, though glad that at least he was rested enough to be safe driving to work and home again in the evenings. But then I quite enjoyed having all the space to myself, and it was really odd when he moved back to our bed after I got better.

If you do it long-term I guess you have to make sure you're more organised about spending time together before bed-time, so you don't drift apart, but just being more rested should help your relationship anyway, shouldn't it

Also, maybe he could go see the doctor to see if they can help with it, in case it's sleep apnoea or anything potentially dangerous. If he's anything like my DH you might have to make the appointment and tell him to go, but it might be worth it

Good luck

Original poster
potatofactory · 07/04/2009 07:43

Thanks for your comments!

I think you're right stuckmum about having to be careful not to drift apart - I could quite happily, really, settle down with my book in my own bed on a regular basis!

I wish I felt like it were more acceptable to sleep separately - I'd be worried about what my dd might think if she clocked that mummy and daddy were sleeping apart, say.

OP posts:
Original poster
potatofactory · 07/04/2009 07:45

Hope things improve for you too, Leedsmum2b!

OP posts:
Picante · 07/04/2009 07:47

We've been sleeping separately for weeks now and it's so much better. I'm currently 21 weeks pg, up all the time to pee and restless with sciatica.

If we were sharing I'd get even less sleep. It's not a long term solution I don't think, but it shouldn't be so stigmatised - surely getting more sleep should be more important than conforming to social expectations?

Original poster
potatofactory · 07/04/2009 07:51

I think he thinks it would be a slippery path, SamJamsmum, but then it's not him lying awake listening to me snoring!

OP posts:
MaureenMLove · 07/04/2009 08:02

Does he wake you up snoring or just stop you going to sleep? My DH snores shake the house, but as long as I am asleep when he gets into bed, it doesn't wake me up again. If we go to bed together or me later than him, it's horrendous!

PlumpChocEggyBaps · 07/04/2009 08:06

We sleep separately quite often-maybe three or four nights a week. I have 'sleep ishoos' and anything can upset the balance (snoring, restlessness, early starts etc). My DH doesn't have a problem with it since I stopped trying to hide how awful I was feeling during the day and bit his head off a few times.....(Oh and I recorded him snoring too. )

Tell him that to NOT sleep apart sometimes is the slippery path to murrdurrr......

daftpunk · 07/04/2009 08:08

op; people have got divorced over snoring!

if possible sleep in seperate rooms, it's not a slippery slope, you're doing it for a good reason.

wiggletastic · 07/04/2009 08:10

Been there potato. Earplugs were the answer for us (or there would have been murder here). It took a while to find ones that were comfy for me to wear all night. We get them online from a place in the states and I make my DH pay for them! www.earplugsonline.com

FourArms · 07/04/2009 08:13

My mum and dad frequently sleep apart if one is ill or disturbing the other.

DH and I swap throughout the night due to a v.wriggly 5 year old who joins us every night.

So no, YANBU. I'd keep it as sleeping in the spare room, so it doesn't become a permanent thing. Has he tried the solutions - GP, losing weight, not drinking in the evenings etc?

Original poster
potatofactory · 07/04/2009 08:26

Thanks for messages!

Thanks for earplug recommendation, wiggletastic - the ones I have don't block the noise even remotely successfully - I'll be on to that website!

Mostly he stops me going to sleep, MaureenMLove but I can't GET to sleep, because I'm thinking 'Oh no! Have to sleep! He's going to start - quick!" which is not very relaxing, and he has the conscience of a new-born, apparently, and can fall asleep in approximately 30 seconds! Not an exaggeration!

OP posts:
stuckmum · 07/04/2009 08:27

Forgot to say, DH had suggested sleeping in different rooms in the past, and I was very against it. But then when DD was born i slept in her room for 4 months so I could feed her in bed or in peace when she woke during the night. I think this made it easier for me psychologically to have DH shift out when he needs it now.

Good luck with it all, and I'd second getting him to try the different solutions. With me, it just seems to be the shape of my nose or tonsils or something, don't do anything else that would be bad for it, or at least not just now with a 7 1/2 month old

Oh yes, how does your DH feel about separate rooms, or have you not asked him?

ABetaDad · 07/04/2009 08:28

Me and my DW are sleeping apart some of the time at the moment. I tend to wriggle and move about because I am not well and cannot sleep - but it makes me sad to be parted from her.

I did sleep well last night in bed with DW and it was nice to wake up together. All be it with a 9 year old stood by the bed saying "Good Morning" at 6.45.

On the snoring front - this is a medical condition and can lead to distress and sleep deprivation for both partners sharing a bed. If your DH/DW/DP snores I urge you/them go and get treatment. Often it can be a sign of sleep apnoea where the person wakes up every few minutes due to interrupted breathing. It can be very dangerous for people who drive or operate dangerous machine to be unwittingly very sleep deprived.

Sleep apnoea

People often snore who are overweight and of course eating a heavy meal before going to bed can cause it too. I have read it is relate dto heart conditions too.

I do snore occassionally as does DW but have stopped eating in the evening and lost some weight and that has reduced the snoring a lot although obviously I have other sleep issues.

Anyway, separate beds is OK as a temporary solution but not a permanent one. Get something done about the snoring - and get back into bed together ASAP.

Hangingbellyofbabylon · 07/04/2009 08:32

I know what you mean about the falling asleep in 30 seconds thing - drives me mad whilst I'm trying to fall asleep because sure enough the snoring starts up straight away. I find a sharp jab in the small of his back with my big toe is often enough to make him shift position enough to stop snoring for a bit. He doesn't seem to notice and has certainly never complained . Last night nothing would work so I ended up de-camping to the spare room at 3am - only to be joined by a lively 3 year old at 4am . So now I'm sat here bleary eyed and grumpy but dh has had a lovely sleep...

wiggletastic · 07/04/2009 09:10

Potato, the earplugs are the best I have found, comfy and block out most of the snoring. They don't block out all noise but enough to let you sleep and stay asleep! When my DH has indulged in a few shandies then his snoring is worse and I sometimes banish him to the spare room. I don't think it affects our relationship as it is only occasionally. Good luck and hope you find a solution to suit you...

Original poster
potatofactory · 07/04/2009 09:20

thanks wiggletastic!

OP posts:
JackBauerKilledTheEasterBunny · 07/04/2009 14:45

From about 30 weeks PG to about 2 or 3 months after both DD@s were born I kicked DH out of bed randomly, or he walked. Sometimes you just need your sleep!
We do always keep it as a 'I am sleeping int eh spare room tonight as I am shattered and have an early start' type thing.

Tee2072 · 07/04/2009 14:56

My DH and I wind up in different rooms about 5 nights out of 7 right now. Between my being 29 weeks pregnant and constantly looking to get comfortable and his snoring? Much nicer for both of us!

We do try to start out together, but usually end up apart!

Except Thursday nights. I don't work on Fridays, so I take the spare room on Thursday nights so I can lie in while he gets up and goes to work!

juneybean · 07/04/2009 14:59

My mum and dad have a 3 bedroom house now my brother and I have moved out and they never sleep together unless doing horrible dirty acts lol.

More so because the dogs want to get into bed my mam has my big double bed to herself.

Plus my dad is a horrible snorer!

fraggletits · 07/04/2009 15:08

there was an article about this in the Sunday Times Style Mag this weekend actually - it said that it's seen as almost a taboo for a married couple to sleep in seperate beds/rooms - that the general consensus in the uk is if you're comfortable enough to be married to someone and obviously have sex with them, then surely you must be able to sleep comfortably next to them all night as well

Honestly when we move to a bigger house, it's separate rooms for me and DH. I love him dearly but I NEED my sleep - it's like chinese water torture for me every night trying to sleep next to the man. I have sore ears from having ear plugs in them every night (which don't really work) DH thinks I'm an a**hole! Constantly nudging and kicking him. I probably am but he sounds like a bloody Rhino and the noise is almost instant as soon as his head hits the pillow. There's no point me going to bed earlier for a 'head start' as I'm the one up with the baby in the night anyway (ear plugs no protectors against baby noise either )

rant over, but anyway YANBU - you have my sympathies and as daftpunk says, people have divorced over it.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 07/04/2009 15:40

YANBU.

We keep our spare room made up all the time, last night I took myself in there at 6am (after a baby wakeup!) to get another couple of hours sleep because DH was snoring.
Fraggletits I'm going to call him a rhino later - that's exactly what it's like!!

The night before that I booted DH out at about 1am. I try and stay in our room because it's right next to the nursery, you can't actually hear DS from the spare room so DH would be waking up to bring DS to me for a feed which seems a bit pointless.

With DH it is all about his weight. He only needs to lose half a stone from where he is now and we have blissful nights. We do miss the closeness of sharing a bed, but we always start the night together in our bed and have a cuddle in one or other bed in the morning if we have ended up sleeping seperately.

If you don't have one then I recommend a king-size bed if funds and space allow. We bought one last year when I was pregnant and we definitely disturb each other less at night now in terms of fidgeting etc.

mummylin2495 · 07/04/2009 16:00

i too have this problem with my dh and i found the little wax balls you can get from some chemists work fine ,but like a previous poster ,night after night they do begin to hurt your ears.i have nearly resorted to suffocating him at times when a kick hasnt done the job of shutting him up !

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