To expect DH to provide time and not just money?

[afaz]

My DH works six days a week. When he arrives home, it's usually dinner then a few hours nap before he goes off to see his friends (arriving back after midnight) several nights a week.

We have DS and DD living at home, and step DS and DD at weekends (who I look after while he's at work). Even on Saturday nights, we have the same routine (dinner, sleep, off out to mates house while I stay home with kids) and on Sundays I have to put him on a guilt trip to spend any time with the kids instead of going shopping or off somewhere with his mates.

He says Sundays are the only day he has off, and he's entitled to spend time "enjoying himself" because he earns it by working so hard.

He says that he provides the money for our home, food, clothes and trips abroad. I work from home, earn barely a pittance compared to him, but still contribute more than half towards the bills (though I can't afford to contribute towards holidays and expensive days out as I'm broke by the end of the week).

Today he called from work to ask if he should book a flight abroad to see his brother. It was only a month since he last went over to visit (alone, second time this year). We usually visit as a family once per year. I don't holiday alone.

I get to go out without the kids perhaps twice a year, usually cinema or theater. I don't work as hard as he does to earn money.

Am I being unreasonable to ask that he spends more time with the kids, to give me a break? Am I unreasonable not to want him to go abroad again so soon without me and the kids?

gawd he sounds a truly profound addition to the family's day to day life....eating, sleeping, out with friends. How do you resist him?

I think you must know you are not being unreasonable!!!

I think it is very sad that he wants to spend all his leisure time away from you and his kids. For their sake if not their own I think you need to draw a line in the sand now and stop accepting it.

Yes it IS important to value the work he does to bring in the money and him being crap does not negate that completely; but I think there is so, so much more to being a father. He'll only get one chance, and so will they, what a shame if he misses it all.

if not your own, I meant!

Oh my!!!!

Didn't realize relationships like THIS existed!!!

You are so,so,so NBU!!!!

yabr, and you know you are.
he is unlikely to change his behaviour. but you need to change your attitude. for a start, stop contributing fifty percent, and tell him that if he is working so bloody hard, then the least he can do is contribute 100% towards the houshold costs.
then he can go on the trip to see his brother as many times as he wants to

What's a "day off"??

Stop paying towards the bills, get a childminder / nursery place for the kids for a day a week and have your own "day off". He can pick them up and put them to bed and wait for you to come home after midnight. Oh, and book yourself a weekend away without any of them. He can use some of his holiday to stay home and take care of his children.

He's got 4 kids FGS. Time to take some responsibility and contribute more than money to the family. Arse.

SAHD here, rant over. Too many DHs have no idea how continuous childcare is. Day off.... jeez!

Too gobsmacked by this to comment!

I think you need to point out to him that an awful lot of studies show that men who do nothing round the house and treat their female partners as domestic servants and full-time childminders get far, far less sex than men who make the effort to ensure their relationship is a partnership ie remembering that their wives are people and entitled to time off just as much as they are.

afaz - and what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Even financially, it sounds like you might be better off without him as you are contributing more than half?

Coming home and then going out again with his mates in the evening and at the weekend and you never get to go out.

Its hard to know where to start really.

He sounds more like a lodger than a part of your family.
His attitude is very, very wrong.

Personally I would tell him he is taking the piss! And he really, really is! I would consider it quite realistic that he gets to go out once a week with his mates. Maybe even twice to be really generous. Obviously the same applies to you. Presumably he "keeps" a lot of "his" money to pay for his social life?

I just don't know what to say...

(unusual for me)

where the hell do you start? This is wrong on so many levels.

OK, so have partially regained my powers of speech.
He's got you caring for his kids from a previous relationship (plus your own two)all weekend every weekend whilst he either works or goes out enjoying himself?
Glad to hear he's hard-working, but so are many of us, but we don't use that as a passport to a life of Riley at the expense of our other halves. When's your time off in lieu? And when does he spend time, quality or otherwise, with his kids? Not to mention you!
Also, I hate this "his" money, "my" money, "I'm broke" "I contribute half to bills" etc... Your are married, you have a home and family together. You should be talking "ours."

YANBU I can't believe you have such an unequal relationship. A while ago my DH decided that he should have more spending money each week than me as he earns more. That was until I threatened to bill him for all the childcare and houshold tasks that I do and he does not. He got the point. Just because I (and you) don't work full time out of the home does not mean that we don't contribute to the family. That should mean equal spending money and "timeoff" from the DCs.
Your DH needs to think about where his priorities lie and sort himself out.

"providing" money for your family does not give him licence to behave as he pleases.

You seriously need to address this with him. And YANBU in the slightest.

If he was 'working so hard' he'd be too knackered to go out every night.

Come on afaz, we didn't burn our bras and chain ourselves to railings for this!!

Blimey, sometimes I get cross cos with my dh, but he's an absolute saint compared to yours

So, where is the Father to these children? Cos this man isn't being a father at all (nor much of a husband, in my opinion). Does he know his children at all? More to the point, do they know him?

I think it's a shame the doesn't want to spend time with his kids, and I would be VERY disappointed if my dh wanted to go out every night without me anyway.

I think you are being treated like a doormat, you are allowing this to happen, and you need to assert your needs a bit more.

I don't know how you make a man want to spend time with his children, but you need to find out, and do it, or pack him off for good

Thank you all for the support (especially the big shake I needed to get something done about this!).

I read some of the replies last night, at which point I burst into fits of tears. DH got home and realized an argument was pending, so promptly went off to bed to avoid it. Honestly though, it's much better for us to debate when we're not tired. Tonight he's staying home so we can talk this through - whether he likes it or not.

Half of the issue seems cultural: he's originally from N. Africa, and spends a lot of time with friends from his homeland and visits home 3-4 (sometimes more) times each year. Many have a similar mentality, but my DH conveniently forgets that most of his mates do actually take their kids to the park, and look after the children when their wives are not there!

It's hard to understand what has made him change in this way, as it was gradual rather than sudden. My reason for being upset all of a sudden is realizing that step DS and DD now ask me for advice/explain about their school week/ask me for days out, clothes and other things they would like. They used to ask DH, now they say that he'll put them off or say no.

Today my friends asked if I'd like to go with them to the coast for a few days in June. We'd be taking our kids (no men!), but not step DD and DS. It makes me feel rather guilty to leave them behind though, so am still considering whether to go.

For clumsymum: I agree, it's hard to know how to make a man want to spend time with the children. Sometimes jealousy works (me and the kids tell him what a great time we've had on a day out), but aside from this I've found no other means. He pays little interest and I do worry that he's missing out on a great deal of their lives. In a few years, I suspect step DD and DS will prefer to be out with their friends than come to stat at weekends (they will soon be 10, twins). By then it will be too late.

For samsonthecat: the billing for housework and childcare is inspired! I remember reading just how much "a woman's work" is worth some time back. If only I could find that article to show him! I did threaten to go out to work a while back (as I am actually well qualified and could earn more than he does). His answer was that he'd use the extra money to hire a nanny, and was not joking!

I'll post again soon when we've talked. Thank you all for your insights and support

bump

someone will know where that list of charges for household chores and childcare is

Bump

It was getting a long way down the list and didn't want to miss hearing how he ended up grovelling for forgiveness....

... clearly wishful thinking.......

Hello ladies,

Sorry for leaving it a while before posting again.

Sadly I must report that there's been no nice outcome so far. We've just had another barney because (after working, being out all last night drinking and out again this morning at the car boot sale with his mates getting things for his shop) I asked him to take the kids to the park.

He thinks I'm being unreasonable. Says he's tired and wants to sleep this afternoon. I asked him not to sleep until my stepkids go home at three, but he thinks it's unfair. Apparantly I don't work as hard as he does (because looking after a house and four kids, as well as working from home) it not work.

Now he's decided to take the kids out for a drive. I'm worried because he's in a bad mood, and also angry that he doesn't want to spend any time with the kids.

All I hope is that eventually we will reach a happy medium. If things carry on like this... Well I don't want to write that down but I'm sure you'll all know what I'm thinking.

Thank you all for being here. I'm glad to know I'm not being unreasonable.

Afaz, how much time do you two spend together? You're clearly like ships passing in the night and it seems that if you are going to sort this out together you need to reconnect first.

Could you suggest to him that you're concerned that the two of you no longer connect, and that you should go out on some dates - once a fortnight to start with. Then when you're out don't talk house stuff at all. You're banned from talking house and family. Just talk and have fun. Remind yourselves why you got together in the first place.

Then you can move on to the next step.

My friend's husband is from Nigeria and has a very similar attitude to his family as yours. Their oldest daughter (they have 4 children) collapsed 2 weeks ago and so her mum has been at the hospital with her constantly leaving him to care for the other 3 (ages 8 - 12). He cannot do it - he is not preparing dinner for them, he takes them to the hospital at inappropriate times, he went out when I was due to drop the kids home and a whole range of other things. How do you think your dh would behave in a situation like that? I think this has really opened my friend's eyes.

And he's your husband because...?

I don't say this lightly, but this isn't a marriage you've got, it's a master/servant relationship. It may be cultural, it may have been a gradual process that means your relationship has eroded over time, but he is treating you like a nanny/housekeeper and not a wife.

As you know it's time for a shake-up - how you do that I don't know, it must be very hard

Sorry to say, but if he were my dh, then I would be thinking about ending the relationship. Actually, you don't seem to have a relationship - you just provide him with nanny and housekeeping services. That does not sound like a marriage partnership to me. You are a person too, you deserve more than this!

Alexpolis - surely you would try and work at the relationship before planning to end it??? Honestly. So far we only know the OP's point of view, and have no idea how skewed that may be.