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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop sending gifts...

36 replies

ilove · 06/04/2009 15:58

My sister has 2 boys, my brother one girl.

My sister in laws, one has three girls the other two.

Our close friends (kids call them auntie and uncle) have one DS and one DD (2 couples, one child each)

For the last couple of years I have sent, every couple of months, somethig small for all the children from our kids to their cousins. Might just be a choc bar, or magazine, or little stuffed teddy or whatever, with the focus on addressing it to the child concerned (kids LOVE getting post don't they), and doing it from Auntie.Uncle Ilove and 4 DC.

The only ones to ever pop a quick "thankyou" text or FB message are my sister and my brother.

I have just sent out EasterEggs to them all and TBH I think that is the last I will do. I do NOT send stuff to make them return the favour and send anything to my kids (they never do) and I post stuff because we are scattered all over the country and don't see them very often.

Personally, I think they (the adults) are bloody rude and ungrateful, and I see no reason to carry on.

But I feel guilty...it is the kids that will miss out and I don't want them to forget they have cousins they don't see very often but who do think about them/ask about them etc.

WWYD? Should I carry on or not bother? Is a "thanks they loved it" too much to ask for?

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 06/04/2009 16:02

I have never heard of cousins receiving gifts from other cousins so they aren't forgotten!

I can't believe you have sent gifts every couple of months to all these children. It was very kind (?) but probably a bit OTT. The children won't have any idea who they are from will they? So that defeats the object.

It obviously bothers you, so just stop. No one asked you to do it. Invest in a webcam instead so you can actually see these children you are sending all thsese goodies to.

Oh ,and it does sound like you only send them for the thanks. So if you are not getting the thanks, then thats another reason to pack it in.

GrapefruitMoon · 06/04/2009 16:05

The ones that don't send a message, do they thank you when they next speak to you on the phone? Tbh it is hard enough getting kids to write thank you letters after christmas & birthdays without having to do it in between as well. And the parents no doubt are very busy and it is easy to forget to send a thank you (even by text or email). Or maybe they feel bad because they can't/don't return the favour and hope by ignoring it it will go away!

Maybe just save the presents for christmas & birthdays and also bring some when you actually meet in person in between? They can thank you in person then!

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:05

I don't do it only for the thanks, but it wouldn't occur to me not to say thankyou for something sent to my kids. Can't do webcam as neither house has a PC, and see them once a year at most. Do talk to them on the phone every couple of months though.

I just see it as a younger "penpals" thing till the children are old enough to write to each other.

Maybe it's me?

OP posts:
jumpingbeans · 06/04/2009 16:06

encourage the children to write to each other
you can just get small blank cards,once they get into the habit they will love it, all of them, i am sure

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:06

No, they don't say thanks on the phone either. These really are just trifles that I send, eg little net choc coins/bunnies or whatever, or a choc lollypop. Ahh, I dunno, it must be me that's odd!

OP posts:
mrsmaidamess · 06/04/2009 16:07

I think you have tried to be kind, and if it makes you happy then continue. But it doesn't.

And yes people should say thanks, but most folk are grumpy bastards and they may think everytime a parcel comes 'Oh god, its from Auntie XXX again. We must say thanks/send something back/invite them over' but real life being what it is, that never happens.

Galava · 06/04/2009 16:07

I wouldnt bother in the future. They all sound very rude.

and you are obviously not sending them purely for the thanks. Why would you ?

The kids wont really miss out (unless they are really hard up I suppose) and they will remember their cousins.

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:07

Yes JB I would but the others are a bit too young yet...my youngest are now 6 and 7 and do draw pictures to send and little notes, but the other children are all younger so not really at the stage of being able to do that yet.

OP posts:
jumpingbeans · 06/04/2009 16:07

sorry cross posted, did'nt realise yours were still babes

mrsmaidamess · 06/04/2009 16:08

Do you and your siblings get on?

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:09

I get on well with them all, inlaws and my own siblings, and our friends yes.

OP posts:
jumpingbeans · 06/04/2009 16:09

I would still get your lo to write, and hope they get replies one day, but i would stop sending goodies

GrapefruitMoon · 06/04/2009 16:10

I really think you are making too much of it. If the children are still too young to write as you have inferred, then you wouldn't expect them to write a thank you card and it is a bit much to expect the parents to take time out to send a thank you for something like a lolly.

Reminds me of my old auntie who is v. fussy about thank-yous- she once was a bit miffed that my brother hadn't phoned her from abroad to thank her for a birthday card. The cost of the phone call would have been far greater than the card & postage!

cupcakesinthesnow · 06/04/2009 16:13

You know, and I do not mean this in a rude way but just my immediate reaction to reading your thread, - I have 3 nephews and a niece and 2 children of my own and if my SIL was sending my sons small gifts every couple of months I would be thinking 'Oh god, I should send something in return' - and really in all honestly I dont have the time or inclination to do that. It would be another thing to have to remember to do. I find the whole business of buying and sending presents for birthdays and xmas enough of a job as it is

mrsmaidamess · 06/04/2009 16:14

cupcakes that was the point I was making earlier, I don't see how sending lollies in the post every 2 months keeps cousins aware of each other. It would actually start to annoy me if my brother kept sending my kids stuff.

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:14

OK then, it must be me

OP posts:
ellingwoman · 06/04/2009 16:14

I barely have the energy for birthdays - how do you manage to remember 10 children every couple of months? I'd lose the will to live after addressing the first few envelopes

Nice thought though but I'd stop now.

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:19

I dunno...it's just important to me. We send photos of our kids once a year when they are done at school, and have a photo montage up in our office with all the children (neices and nephews) on it, and our kids love pointingthem out and saying "can we send X/Y/Z something in the post".

I'll have a think about it.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 06/04/2009 16:24

It is a nice thought but I would stop it now. I would hate it if my siblings did it for my DCs-I would feel obliged to do it for them. Birthdays and Christmas are enough. I would just let them email or phone cousins that they are especially fond of and leave it at that.

mrsmaidamess · 06/04/2009 16:24

Your'e not my sister in law are you? She does this sort of thing (sending me school pictures of her children) and it drives me nuts. Send school photos to grandparents, not sisters and brothers. They have their own children.

ramonaquimby · 06/04/2009 16:30

lots of grumpy people here - why wouldn't you want to get pictures of your nieces and nephews that you don't see very often? I'd keep sending things - it's a Nice Thing to do regardless of thanks rec'd. or not. and the kids will love getting a package. I send little things to my siblings kids at valentines/easter/halloween - we all do the same. lighten up people!

cupcakesinthesnow · 06/04/2009 16:31

LOL mrsmaidamess whenever my SIL prints out photos she has taken of my children with her children and sent them to me she also includes pictures of her kids on their own and I always think 'Why?!' I don;t have room in the millions of photo albums for my own ohotos let alone photos of her kids on their own (especially as they are frightful and vile tbh but that maybe colours my feelings on the issue )

silverfrog · 06/04/2009 16:38

I htink you've had a bit of a hard time about this - you didn't say you expected a huge fuss over thank yous, just a text every so often (and since you all get on, there are presumably times you speak/write/text where the thanks could be tacked on)

I think this is a lovely thing to do - a way to keep in touch without forever being on the phone/visiting (which some could see as a little intrusive - not suggesting for a moment that you or yours would see it this way), and a perfect excuse for your relations to say "oh look, something form your cousins X - do you remember when..." and keep the thoughts of family very much alive even though you are all scattered.

I think as these children grow up they will feel very loved and secure within the family - with auntie ilove thinking of them even though they don't always see her - and who doesn't like to know they are in someone's thoughts? as you say, kids love getting post.

But I don't think you are unreasonable to expect a small thankyou (which doesn't hurt) every now and then form your ILs and friends

Original poster
ilove · 06/04/2009 16:46

Silver, you've got it exactly. My DH has just replied to my email ranting saying "be the bigger person, carry on. Why should the children miss out and suddenly think we don't care".

I think he is right but it is interesting how many of you would dislike your children receiving something in the post!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 06/04/2009 16:50

I only dislike it if it means arm twisting for a thank you, ilove! I have enough problems getting through the thank yous twice a year-I don't want extras!