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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want dh to compromise on his 'dream' home?

35 replies

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:06

Basically, dh has his heart set on moving to a fabulous house. We live in an expensive area, but even so I think his standards are too high and he wants to spend too much money.

It has to be a period home. It has to be big. It has to have a big garden. It has to be in the right location. His ideal would be a fabulous wreck that he could spend the rest of his life painstakingly doing up. The price range he is looking at is still too high for me, and I am not prepared at this point in time to take such a huge risk.

I have spent years and years trying to persuade him to move to more of a compromise, something we can more comfortably afford, with no success.

The problem is, we could afford something better/bigger than the 2 bed flat we live in. But in my opinion we can't do a quantum leap into the house of our dreams. I want us to make an intermediate move into perhaps a 2 bed terrace or 3 bed semi, rather than going all out to acquire a 5 bed period detached house.

We had supposedly decided that this was the final push, and that we were definitely moving. I was supposed to arrange the viewings etc, which I did. He has got angry with me about that, and angry that I have viewed a property that in his opinion isn't fabulous enough. He is also angry that I have arranged for a valuation of our flat, when he feels it isn't ready to be viewed.

Now I am at my wits end. I can't seem to do anything right, and the same problems that have kept us in this too small flat for 8 years are rearing their ugly heads once more.

I feel like I am being blackmailed into putting all our financial eggs in one basket. I could easily get made redundant in the next few years, and so I really don't want to commit myself to a mortgage that equates to one of our salaries.

Now he is also angry that he thinks I have 'changed my mind', but I didn't think I was ever signed up to the same thing as him.

This is such a gutter, as I really was excited that this was finally it. We would finally move. Now I find myself wondering if we will ever ever be able to agree.

OP posts:

Shambolic · 03/04/2009 19:11

crikey.

Do you know why he has his heart set on such extravagence?

i mean we'd all love to live in a house like that but practicalities tell us we can't.

Why has he got such a bee in his bonnet?

Northernlurker · 03/04/2009 19:13

Sounds like the house you are moving to is the least of your worries!

He comes across as very controlling in your post. Why did you looking at a house he doesn't like make him angry - you haven't committed him to anything.

Do you have children - and do you agree about wanting anymore or not?

daftpunk · 03/04/2009 19:14

he seems angry alot doesn't he....is he usually angry or just over his dream house?

Shambolic · 03/04/2009 19:15

Thinking about it, who's going to do all the work? It was bad enough moving from my one bed flat to a 3 bed house - and DH does do stuff - but you know how it is.

I would not fancy suddenly being confronted with a huge garden to maintain, multiple bogs to scrub etc etc.

TBH we live near houses like that and they all have gardeneners, cleaners, au pairs to take the kids to school and so on. The reality of buying into that lifestyle doesn't stop when you've bought the bricks and mortar. Not saying it can't be done, obviously, but it will be a lot more work for both of you.

DoThisDoThat · 03/04/2009 19:17

Um... Sorry but he sounds a nightmare, bit like my ex-H. What do you think the problem really is? Why doesn't he listen to you? It's your money too and things change.

traceybath · 03/04/2009 19:17

Well luck may be on your side. It will probably be hard to sell your flat in the current market so that may give you some breathing space.

Also mortgages are harder to come by now and there's not so much crazy lending going on so just because he wants a 5 bed house does not mean anyone will lend you the money to buy one.

traceybath · 03/04/2009 19:19

Oh and don't forget how much bills will go up. We moved from a 2 bed terraced to large 4 bed detatched and the bills - well they're astronomical and we're only renting so no structural upkeep.

Also we have a big garden here - takes DH half a day each weekend to mow. Its all the extras you need to take into account - our council tax doubled, insurance loads more etc etc.

Longtalljosie · 03/04/2009 19:23

If he's the one with the specific ideas, he'll have to arrange the viewings. Explain you'll need to get him to find some properties on rightmove so you have a clearer idea of what he wants.

The reason I say this is he sounds like a bit of a grand-planner, and not very practical. So you'll be on a hiding to nothing if you try to make the impossible, possible.

But I agree with the others about him seeming very angry. Do you have kids yet? Because mortgaging yourself to the hilt on two fulltime salaries and then starting a family isn't ideal. You'd never catch DH and me doing precisely that

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:26

Oh thank you all so much for your responses. I am feeling so down about the whole thing.

Northernlurker and others, I think you have hit the nail on the head. I agree it is controlling, and that is what is getting to me so much I think. That is why I am now worried - nothing to do with the house and everything to do with him. How can he get 'angry' at me just because I have viewed a house today that is not one he would want to buy????

I have been through an awful time at work lately being bullied and being cut out, which I can handle, but it is hard to picture taking on a mortgage which cripples us financially, while hating every minute at work. He knows this.

Anyway, I am quite happy to get on with my knitting, my girls and the allotment and just forget about moving. A shame, but if there is no compromise then....

OP posts:

DoThisDoThat · 03/04/2009 19:29

Cloudspotter. You're being bullied at home too. I'm sorry. Speaking from experience, please tackle this before it's too late and you flip.

Northernlurker · 03/04/2009 19:30

Hmmm well I think you'd be mad to take on a bigger financial commitment with a man who by the sound of it is not treating you very well at all! Can you be happy as you are? Do you want things to change?

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:31

Oh, we have got two kids, aged 3 and 5.

To be honest, I am desperate to move, because I have sworn to myself that the girls won't have to spend another winter in their tiny room. It is quite cold in there, with dampish walls and they both end up with terrible coughs every winter. It is a single skinned room and not really ideal for children. It also isn't really big enough for two beds. At the moment there is a cot and a toddler bed, so we are buffing up against a decision one way or another.

The bedroom was fine as a guest room, and apart from that it is a really fabulous flat we live in. Lots of character, a garden etc. But we bought it before kids, and I never intended to bring my children up in it.

But I can't imagine why dh can't compromise on a very nice house that would not be his dream home.

OP posts:

traceybath · 03/04/2009 19:33

Just temporary solution but could you swap rooms with the children in the interim - would a double/ks bed fit?

Shambolic · 03/04/2009 19:33

His attitude is bizarre cloudspotter.

I don't know what to say

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:33

I think I have long since accepted that he is the way he is, and that I am happy with him. He has always been controlling, but he does have good qualities too.

I know I am not the easiest person to live with, and I am not a great catch. Now we have two lovely girls I am just on cloud 9 most of the time. I can handle the bickering I think.

It's just that long term, I picture the kids in that room and it makes me sad that he won't accept anything but his own way. Completely his own way or nothing.

OP posts:

justaboutback · 03/04/2009 19:34

This reply has been deleted

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traceybath · 03/04/2009 19:35

'I'm not a great catch' - thats a really sad thing to say about yourself. Why do you think that?

Northernlurker · 03/04/2009 19:35

Is it possible his insistance on a dream house is in fact a way of making it impossible for you to manage to move at all? For whatever reason he doesn't want to get deeper into a financial commitment of any sort and is engineering this tension to avoid owning up to his fears?

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:37

I suppose my dad was very controlling of mum, and maybe I accept more than I should. I am very gullible and easily persuaded normally, but I am just not brave enough to go for such a big risky mortgage.

He just thinks I am over-reacting about the small bedroom they are in, and doesn't agree about the damp and the coughs. He thinks this is all in my head (maybe it is?)

He always makes out that he is the one having to live with a mad woman, rather than him having any problems.

Christ, I started worrying about only moving house. I don't really want to open this whole can of worms.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 03/04/2009 19:39

But it's there isn't it. It's in all your posts. Are you frightened of him?

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:41

traceybath - I have just been through such a terrible time in my job that all my confidence is completely gone.

I am at least a size 16 and only 5ft 3. I am sure I must be hard to live with.

NL - It could well be that the dream house is a cover for not moving at all. That rings true. He has looked at houses before of the sort I am looking at, but his standard seems to go up in line with our affordability.

Mmmm - lots of food for thought.

Anyway he stormed out earlier because he felt so 'bewildered' at my actions. He might come back any minute in case I disappear. He might read this.

OP posts:

justaboutback · 03/04/2009 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Northernlurker · 03/04/2009 19:43

Just take care of yourself ok?

Wipe your pc history so he can't read it if that worries you.

I am your height and last saw size 16 a decade ago! That doesn't make you hard to live with - and anybody who says that it does is attacking your self esteem in a really horrible way.

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 03/04/2009 19:45

The thing is there have always been issues, but I suppose eventually you have to accept an imperfect situation or do something about it.

Most men are rubbish in my experience. I think he is fine really. The only thing is the controlling behaviour and the anger, but he has never hit me or scared me in any way. It just upsets me.

IN other ways he is really nice - I am just making him sound worse because of the context of the house thing.

Perhaps I will just put it on hold again, or persuade him to sell our flat and rent something fabulous?

OP posts:

justaboutback · 03/04/2009 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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