To want dh to compromise on his 'dream' home?

[Cloudspotter]

Basically, dh has his heart set on moving to a fabulous house. We live in an expensive area, but even so I think his standards are too high and he wants to spend too much money.

It has to be a period home. It has to be big. It has to have a big garden. It has to be in the right location. His ideal would be a fabulous wreck that he could spend the rest of his life painstakingly doing up. The price range he is looking at is still too high for me, and I am not prepared at this point in time to take such a huge risk.

I have spent years and years trying to persuade him to move to more of a compromise, something we can more comfortably afford, with no success.

The problem is, we could afford something better/bigger than the 2 bed flat we live in. But in my opinion we can't do a quantum leap into the house of our dreams. I want us to make an intermediate move into perhaps a 2 bed terrace or 3 bed semi, rather than going all out to acquire a 5 bed period detached house.

We had supposedly decided that this was the final push, and that we were definitely moving. I was supposed to arrange the viewings etc, which I did. He has got angry with me about that, and angry that I have viewed a property that in his opinion isn't fabulous enough. He is also angry that I have arranged for a valuation of our flat, when he feels it isn't ready to be viewed.

Now I am at my wits end. I can't seem to do anything right, and the same problems that have kept us in this too small flat for 8 years are rearing their ugly heads once more.

I feel like I am being blackmailed into putting all our financial eggs in one basket. I could easily get made redundant in the next few years, and so I really don't want to commit myself to a mortgage that equates to one of our salaries.

Now he is also angry that he thinks I have 'changed my mind', but I didn't think I was ever signed up to the same thing as him.

This is such a gutter, as I really was excited that this was finally it. We would finally move. Now I find myself wondering if we will ever ever be able to agree.

Cloudspotter - most men really aren't rubbish but you may have been a bit unlucky in the ones you've known.

Have you seen a mortgage adviser yet - do you know how much you could afford now and not what they said 12 months ago? The hard practicalities of today's market may make the decision for you.

Regarding your relationship - only you know how good your marriage is but relate could be worth a go.

Good luck.

It doesn't sound healthy to me either. The 3 bed semi plan sounds far better.

On a practical point, could you actually get the huge mortgage you need for the big house? (I only ask because friends are trying to buy at the moment and having a tough time finding anyone who wants to lend to them - and they do have decent jobs, good credit etc etc)

sorry xpost with tracey

Yes, we could get the mortgage strangely. But I think they will lend you more than you can afford to pay back. I am just against having such a large debt on a house. My job is quite volatile and very stressful, and it could all go wrong any time.

That's the problem really, we didn't realise how much we could get. I know it sounds bizarre and probably even ungrateful with most people struggling.

I think it is because we have been so conservative to date about what we have borrowed. We are really 'stupidly' sensible with money - bordering on miserly really. We go camping, we have bangers for cars, we live in a flat. He even moans about buying food. We have saved a lot towards a deposit.

(I rebel against this by buying stuff for myself and the kids all the time, so it isn't as bad as that sounds).

But I think he feels all of it will be worth it one day when we move into this dream home.

His parents were both obsessed with houses, so it could be that he just has different values to me. I grew up in a very modest place.

YANBU. I don't really understand all this 'dream house' baloney which sucks up all your cash.

Cloudspotter - I know you don't want to have to look at this way - but if a friend told you that her dh insisted they scrimped away so that he can have the 'thing' that he placed value on but she didn't, and that she had to rebel against his authority by buying clothes and nice things for herself and daughters - what would you think about that friend's situation?

Some of you must be really lucky in the sense of having partners that aren't as controlling. It would be so interesting to understand what you mean.

I think I am just so completely absorbed into my reality (I was 23 when we got together 12 years ago) that I just can't picture being with someone who treats me better?

Does your DP actually want to move at all? It sounds to me like he is stalling, especially when he says the girls' bedroom isn't too bad. TBH it sounds a bit odd to me that someone who is generally tight would want to take on such a big mortgage.

I think renting for a bit might be a very good idea. Not only because I agree with the others, I think he's stalling, but also because I sense that you aren't mad keen on a greater financial commitment either, the only thing that's persuading you to do so is the fact the flat is now too small.

Perhaps you could sell it to him as something that will mean you're not stuck in a home that's less than perfect to him, and that in a falling market, you'll be able to afford the dream home more easily in a couple of years time?

Is there any reason why he would want a huge house? A status thing perhaps?

I'm concentrating on the house issue rather than what this says about his behaviour more generally, because the others have already gone into that. But I have to say this statement:

"I am at least a size 16 and only 5ft 3. I am sure I must be hard to live with"

is one of the saddest and strangest things I've ever read.

Having lived in many many developments I am going to go against the general consensus and say if you can get a good deal on a mortgage have enough money to maintain it without struggling and have the heart to do it i would take the big leap and leave the little in between house out.