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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect other mums not to feed my 18mo?

27 replies

misscreosote · 03/04/2009 13:34

My 18 mo DD is very allergic to dairy/eggs (epipens at the ready if she eats a lot), and I would hope that, given how many kids are allergic these days (and just as a matter of courtesy in any case), other parents wouldn't give her food to eat without quickly checking with me first? Obviously when she's old enough to know what she can/can't eat its a bit different, but at this age she'll eat anything given to her (especially the dairy/egg stuff which tends to be the nice looking chocolate goodies).

Would most of you check before offering a snack to a child at a toddler group/coffee morning etc? I would have assumed so, but if I'm being unreasonable, I'm going to have to get more over protective from now on. I've tried to be quite relaxed about it until now, so DD doesn't get food 'issues', but at a coffee morning today another mum gave my DD a buttered hot cross bun, so I had to look like a paranoid mum leaping across the room going 'nooooooo' - admittedly she was only a mum of a tiny newborn, so I don't blame her for not really thinking about it, but I would hope/expect that more experienced mums would check before offering? Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 03/04/2009 13:38

I had ds off dairy at this age - and to be honest I would make sure every one at coffee mornings knew - I did this by asking them to make sure ds didn't get his hands on any when I wasn't watching.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 03/04/2009 13:38

I would certainly check. You don't know about any allergies, or even whether the parent WANTS them to have a snack - perhaps they wont eat dinner if they do, or they've just had one, or anything.

this toddler group - do you go to it regularly? you should tell them all so they know. if you go to a new one, tell them right away.

Springfleurs · 03/04/2009 13:39

I would always check before offering another child a snack. If the person offering works there though they might think you would say if there was a problem and assume that having a snack is part of the Toddler Group Experience.

So yes I personally would check, but also think you need to make it really clear as well.

TreeTrunkThighs · 03/04/2009 13:45

I have to admit I don't always check so would assume that others wouldn't either tbh. I do with peanut butter (obvious allergen) and meat (vegetarian?) sandwiches but hand on heart I wouldn't think twice about other food.

I probably will now though.

messymissy · 03/04/2009 13:47

Absolutely - i would never offer a child anything unless checked with the mum first - thought everyone knew that its an absolute no-no.

As your dd has allergies it may be best to be upfront about it at the groups you attend and say to the organisers and the mums you see there regularly that your dd has allergies.

SnowWoman · 03/04/2009 13:54

YANBU, but you do have to very aware of what is going on around your DD. Most people at Toddler groups etc would check if children were allowed sweeties or special treats. Our 10 year old DD is dairy/egg/peanut sensitive and has epipens. We taught her from a very early age not to eat anything anyone gave her without checking with Mum/Dad/Granny/whoever was the adult responsible for her at the time. I always had child-friendly treats in my bag so that if someone brought in a treat to toddlers or wherever, I had something for DD too. People at the toddler group knew not to give her anything because we had all discussed it at various points. It helped that she was a 3rd child so had been at toddlers practically since birth!

It's a hard line to tread between over-protective mum and developing independence in the child, which was why we went down the route of encouraging her to check with an adult before eating. It did take new friends aback at first to have this 18 month old ask "Is this Alice friendly?" as they didn't have a clue what she meant! By the time she was 3 and at nursery, she was very clear about what she could and couldn't have and completely independent re food choices. Nursery staff were more worried than she was.

In some ways it's easier now, because she is oolder and people are more aware of allergies too.

diedandgonetodevon · 03/04/2009 13:55

Pesonally I would always check out of courtesy if nothing else. Also I'd be horrified if I'd made a child sick by giving them something they are allergic to

floppyearsandcurlywiskers · 03/04/2009 13:56

With a really serious allergy consider making a badge of label to put on them saying something like "I have allergies, please don't feed me" Yes it is polite to check with mum before giving a child food but in a busy toddler group I can see how it can be a bit tricky if snacks are readily available.

BalloonSlayer · 03/04/2009 14:06

YANBU, this has happened to me, or rather to my DS1 who has the same allergies as your DD.

I'm afraid that when I first met them, all the other Mums thought I was some ghastly neurotic who wouldn't let her child have any treats. Which is ironic as I have never worried much about healthy diets etc, although I know I should.

You could write on a sticker "I have allergies, please don't feed me." I wouldn't be surprised if some enterprising company doesn't already produce some groovy ones.

Of course when some people see it they will think "AS IF I would feed someone else's child without checking, harrumph, etc..." but you can't win 'em all.

Once they get a bit older they know and will come and ask you to check.

CMOTdibbler · 03/04/2009 14:11

I agree with the sticker, or a t shirt like this. Food at things is so pervasive (and I'm gluten free so notice) and unless people know theres an issue, will hand things round, or leave them where children can help themselves

mistlethrush · 03/04/2009 14:23

Btw, have any of you with dcs with food allergies seen this?

allergy study thread

orangehead · 03/04/2009 14:29

I would always check. I recently stopped my dad from giving a crisp to my little nephew and told him to check with my brother first. My dad looked at me as if I had gone mad but my brother later thanked me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/04/2009 14:33

i would never give a child something without checking with parents/carer first

but you also need to make the group aware of your daughters severe allergy as well

alicecrail · 03/04/2009 14:36

I wouldnt have before having dd, but my mum has tried giving her wotsits aged 7months "but they're nice and soft"
I may have overeacted, but most parents have things they don't like their dc having, for whatever reason, and i think it's always better to ask

oldraver · 03/04/2009 15:11

I would never give another child food without asking even before I had a DS with intolerences

I have had the 'overprotective mother' look form people, then most dont realise that something like dairy is in so many food items including meat (lol) flavoured crips etc. When explained to most are pretty shocked TBH

MipPieMum · 03/04/2009 15:24

My Mum gave my DS a sip of her whisky and soda when he was 10 months without asking first, and then acted all surprised when I had a hissy-fit.... Admittedly it was very dilute (before you all think my Mum's a lush) but even so...

Original poster
misscreosote · 05/04/2009 20:44

Thanks everyone, very good to know that so many of you would check first, makes me feel a bit less paranoid!

Good points about letting the toddler groups know - I hadn't thought of that, will do that next time (this incident was just at a small coffee morning where I thought less supervision would be needed anyway, she was only 2 metres away!). I'm also going to get some of the dairy/egg aware stickers to put on her, and give to her childminder as well - last time I thought about it she was far too young for it to be necessary but I guess suddenly she's getting all grown up!

MipPieMum - 10 months is old for a first hard drink! My brother used to reach up from below the table and sneak people's whiskey etc off the table without them noticing (or minding?). My mum said he always slept very well . Ah, different generation....

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 05/04/2009 20:52

I'm glad I read this thread, because I actually wouldn't have checked. It's not something that I have ever thought about. I will check now though.

Original poster
misscreosote · 05/04/2009 20:55

Hey, just consider it my good deed for the year day

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 05/04/2009 21:05

I would always have checked with a child's parents whether they were allowed something before having kids never mind now that I have an allergic DS.

doobry · 05/04/2009 21:33

I would check but I really don't think you can rely on people to do so. Make sure as many people know as possible so there are more eyes looking out for you. My friend minded a child with dairy allergy and at coffee mornings she made sure everyone knew.

franch · 05/04/2009 21:36

YANBU

christywhisty · 05/04/2009 21:55

Ds's allergies didn't start until 4 so he was very good at making sure the food was okay for him. We did buy him tshirts from Kids aware which people did notice

ChippingIn · 06/04/2009 02:33

At a toddler group I would always ask (well, until you get to know the Mums (the ones who mind what the kids eat and the ones who let them eat whatever/whenever/however ).

I would have assumed everyone would do the same, but as I've read here - clearly not and it's one of those things isn't it. It's easy to be a bit to people who say they wouldn't, but we're all guilty of doing/not doing things others take for granted we would/wouldn't.

Neither of the LO's have any (known) allergies/intolerances etc so I'm fine with whatever they are offered, but have to accept after toddler group, sometimes lunch is a non-issue - one biscuit mid morning is enough to put LO off lunch, let alone 2 or 3.

The biggest concern I would have if I was you would be the children sharing. At our toddler group the kids all bring all kinds of snacks from home so there's all kinds of things being shared - sometimes after a bit/lick or two (urgh urgh urgh emoticon).

You might have to give the stickers a miss and go for a roll of duct tape

savoycabbage · 06/04/2009 02:57

I agree that a lot of people don't think about it. I felt like a bit of a helicopter parent in these situations. Or just a nutter. Yelling 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" across church halls across the land. Some people get confused between allergies and food intolerance too.

My dd is five now and when she started school I got her a bracelet from here which she wears all the time.