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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my ex is totally out of order

28 replies

Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 11:49

right so I recently started a thread regarding my nex wanting to introduce the children to his new girlfriend, in which I stated that as this is a very new realtionship and as my children are still dealing with our seperation i didn't see what purpose it would serve at this juncture....they have been togtehr for about a month..
Anyway it materialised last night in a conversation with my children that they met her three weeks ago( when the relationship was very new). She was supposed to be staying in a hotel nearby and then phoned him to say there was a problem and he took the children out at nine o clock to fetch her and she then stayed over..this would have been a couple of weeks in t he relationship no more. He told my children not to tell me as i would shout at him, when my youngest spilled the beans last nigth, the others were hysterical worried about the possible rammifications. how dare he do this to the children, it's one thing for him to lie to me but to encourage my children to do the same...that is just wrong surely?

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 02/04/2009 11:50
  • oh Quad - he just gets worse doesn't it?

He's a twat - ermm that's it really pure and simple he's a twat

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 11:52

original thread

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Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 11:52

he really is, the feeling of being let down by him is just so awful, my children have been carrying around this secret for weeks it makes me feel so sad

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Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 11:54

the one friday evening I talk about at the start of that thread is the friday evening when she was there

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diedandgonetodevon · 02/04/2009 11:55

introducing the DC's to a new partner so soon is bad enough but getting them to lie to you is unforgivable! FAQ is right, he is a twat.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 11:59

all that time we were arguing about the children meeting her he knew full well that they already had...when i rang him yesterday he denied it for about 5 minutes

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FAQinglovely · 02/04/2009 12:00

you know you never replied to my birthday party invitation (sent via Facebook) - oh well we MUST do coffee again soon.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:01

oh wow i didn't see it thats really booooo!! and yes we must, for certain...after the holidays??

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mayorquimby · 02/04/2009 12:01

he is BU telling your kids to lie to you no doubt.
i do think yabu in trying to dictate to him about who he can introduce his kids to, as unfortunately you are seperated so it is now his judgment call when they are in his care.
that's a seperate issue though, and he should never never encourage your kids to lie to you.

FAQinglovely · 02/04/2009 12:01

yea - never mind - hey

after holidays sounds good

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:07

so mayorquimby do you think he should be introducing every girl he is with for more than a week to his children?? who does that benefit? why do my children at this point need to be involved in his love life...that friday evening was the only weekend time he has spent with his children in the last four weeks, it turns out he shared it with his girfriend of a couple of weeks...i am not trying to dictate but i want to protect my children from the instability that comes with new relationships...i'm not saying never, I'm just saying at this point it serves no purpose.

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Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:08

and how do i trust the judgement call of a person who encourages his children to lie?

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Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 02/04/2009 12:09

Quad that is terrible, he should never ever be encouraging them to lie to you.

Mayorquimby - I don't think Quad is BU about wanting to prevent her kids getting involved in a relationship that may or may not still be happening in a month, in 6 months in a year's time. What sort of message does it send if she is sleeping in their father's bed one weekend only to be gone the next and replaced by another woman the next month? Does that teach them about love, stability and respect? No it doesn't and so she has every right to try and protect them from that.

Sassybeast · 02/04/2009 12:10

What an arse. Of course you have aright to know who he is introducing your children to - especially as they are going to be under the same roof. And as for the lying - I'd be bloody furious. Not sure what you can realistically do - he obviously puts himself and his current squeeze way before the welfare of his kids.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:15

I'm not sure what i can do either I justreally feel at the moment he isn't considering his children at all. there was also the weekend where he spent the weekend away and lied telling me he was working when he should have been with the kids...it's just one thing after another. My children are suffering in this and they do not deserve it.

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HarlotOTara · 02/04/2009 12:17

I don't think yabu, I don't understand that one parent has no say when the other parent has the children staying, particularly in this sort of case. I imagine that it is really difficult for children having to cope with a new partner when they are still dealing with their feelings about their parents' break-up. Actually I know so as I work with adolescents who often feel very upset and confused in this type of situation.

Not sure if this will help (may make things worse) but some years ago a friend had an affair, man left wife and lived with her. The wife was able to get some sort of injunction (poss. not called that) to say that children were not able to meet the other woman, she was named in the divorce petition. Anyone know if this can still happen?

mayorquimby · 02/04/2009 12:36

"so mayorquimby do you think he should be introducing every girl he is with for more than a week to his children?? "

no i think it's an awful idea and would never do it myself.
this is one of those cases where yanbu to think something, but would BU to act on it.because as i said when he is in custody of the children it is his judgment call, it's one of the unfortunate by products of seperation.
much in the same way that he can't dictate to you about ceretain things when you are in custody of the kids.he doesn't have to be happy about some of your decisions but ultimately he has to accept some because they are in your care.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:36

and thats why I worry, what damage is this doing?? my 9 year old dd has wet the bed a few times recently, hasn't done since she was two..I'm having behavioural probvlems with them all, and on top of all that they had the pressure of lying to their mum and being responsible for any possible fallout should I find out. I have done evrything possible to reassure them, my ex and i went to my ds' violin concert this morning together and although secretly i wanted to punch him i was very amicable...i am so tired of it all.
When he turned his phone back on he had 17 missed calles from new gf...the whole situation worries me alot..

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Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:39

I do not act on it as such, but I do give him my opinion, I have to do that...i cannot agree to soemthing i feel is fundamentally wrong..I want to trust him to make best interest decisions when it comes to our children...i don't want a battle.

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PurpleCrazyHorse · 02/04/2009 12:51

Well done on not punching him at your Ds' violin concert!

I've said this a few times but my mum did a grand job of staying amicable with my dad (he had an affair and subsequently also a son). I really can't comprehend how difficult that must have been for her but it had a hugely positive impact on my relationship with my dad. Ultimately, I've never been able to say that my mum has ever stopped me (or made it difficult) for me to see my dad.

Maybe you could seek out some counselling for your kids? I wonder if having someone else to talk to might help them work through what's happening. I certainly wouldn't have wanted to talk to my mum about how I was feeling for fear I'd upset her (likewise with Dad).

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 12:57

I want this to be amicable, I agree I think it does have a hugely positive impact, he is making it very, very hard though... my children are very open with my parents who have been very stabilising in all of this, but yes if things don't improve counselling may be an option

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Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 02/04/2009 12:58

17 missed calls?

It sounds to me like she is very much staking her claim. Was the whole thing with there being a 'problem' re her hotel that night a set up?

If I was you I would just drop a few comments about possesiveness and jealousy so early in a relationship and sit back and watch.

Original poster
Quadrophenia · 02/04/2009 13:02

my ex and I had quite a frank discussion this morning along those lines...she is thinking of moving to town as she lives a good couple of hours away and when I asked him how he felt about it he just shrugged.. Ultimately he is entitled to fuck up as much as he likes but he has to consider his children, that is my stance, sum total of it..she is alos offering to buy him a car, he has a new tv and a wii...staking claim yeah i think so!!

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Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 02/04/2009 13:07

Quad you mentioned in your other thread that he was an abuser - is there any way you can use that to put some kind of parameters around where, when and with who he is allowed to see the kids? She is sounding worryingly bunny-boiler-ish.

2rebecca · 02/04/2009 13:23

I don't think she sounds bunny boilerish, just very immature and needy. I am surprised someone who can't wait a couple of hours for someone to phone them back manages to earn enough money to buy their new boyfriend a car.I can't imagine ringing the same person 17 times about anything. That's silly. If their phone is switched off you just have to be patient.
I'm surprised he told you how many missed calls he had from her though, or were you peering over his shoulder? My ex doesn't discuss his phone calls to his partner with me.
I have never tried to control who he introduces the kids to when he has them. He is fairly sensible though. If I don't try laying down rules he disagrees with then he won't encourage the children to lie when he breaks what he sees as an unreasonable 1 sided rule.