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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect mums at school to be friendly!

31 replies

katedan · 01/04/2009 17:38

My son is in yr 1 and has just sent out invites to his birthday party. He has struggled to make friends so decided to invite about 20 children who he thought were nice and wanted to be friends with or he sometimes plays with. On the day the invites went out one of the mums came over to say she did not know why DS had invited her child as they were not friends. I explained that I thought they sometimes played with each other and DS had wanted to invite him. Today another child handed out their invites for their party for the same time and date as DS (although not to all the same kids) this mums came over to say "oh waht date is DS party!) I said the date and she said oh it looks like her son has a choice as X also has their party for the same day. I asked her why she was being so nasty (she never has spoken to me before this week and was obviously rubbing salt in) she said she had not meant to be nasty she just thought it was funny that they were the same day!. Then she said she had found out who had kicked her child in the balls and it was another child in DS class I said that was not nice of them and she said well this time it was not HIM!!! nodding at my DS. It was horrid and I nearly cried. On top of that not one parents has said if their child can come to DS party and the school holidays start on Friday. no one ever speaks to me so I don't know why the other mums are being like this. I now dread doing the school run.

OP posts:

RidiculousCrush · 01/04/2009 17:44

Look, at his age, if only 3 kids show up, he'll think he's had a great day.

Have you spoken to the class teacher about strategies for improving his social life at school?

piratecat · 01/04/2009 17:46

well, tbh i would just stay away from that particular mum, she sounds about as tenacious as a bout of thrush.

It is a shame that your party is on the same day as another child's as you will, inadertantly be asking them to choose. TBH 20 one yr olds sounds like a total mightmare, but you've done it now!!

Will you be having family around, or other types of close friends? If so, you will be busy enough with them when it comes to it, in case you don't get many attendees.

Don't panic, ask on friday. It could well be that someof the mums knew the other party wason the cards, and want tp put off deciding, as it is busy for alot of people over the easter.

As for mum in general, welll time will sort out who's worth being friends with etc..

piratecat · 01/04/2009 17:46

sorry 20 yr one's i meant.

Lizzylou · 01/04/2009 17:47

Poor you
She sounds like a bit of a cow tbh
I would speak to the teacher, like RC suggested
Do the invites have your phone number on?

Original poster

katedan · 01/04/2009 17:47

That would be fine but (please don't shoot me down about over the top parties) we have hired a hall and entertainer. We have never given him a party before so we thought we would make a fuss of him. Now we face a church hall with 3 kids in it and a very upset DS.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 01/04/2009 17:47

I wouldn't let the odd miserable parent upset you.
And one hardly ever receives RSVP's from school friends (ime)
If you are worried then ask them directly if they are coming.
Just concentrate on 3 or 4 kids that your son likes best

justaboutback · 01/04/2009 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piratecat · 01/04/2009 17:49

are you sure you can't change the hall date?

When exactly did you give out the invites.

mrsruffallo · 01/04/2009 17:49

Do you have out of school friends or cousins to invite?
Maybe suggest to the other mum a joint party next time as it is bad timing

Original poster

katedan · 01/04/2009 17:52

We sent them out on Monday just gone so not long ago. Don't think we could change the hall date and we certainly can't change the entertainer as we booked him in January. I don't know the other child so obviously had no idea their birthdays clash. (I am not in the playground inner circle!)

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katiestar · 01/04/2009 17:53

How horrible.
The first mum - I can't really get my head round ??
The second one I can understand might be bubbling with PFB anger if she thinks your DS is hurting her little darling.(I would ask the teacher if there is any truth to this).
IME many people reply very late to birthday party invitations and often by phone.I am sure there are lots of nice mums there too ,but it is surprising how many mums hate the school gate politics !

Original poster

katedan · 01/04/2009 17:57

both commets were made by the same mum!!! I put my mobile and home tel number on but I ssumed most mums would just tell me in person in the school playground. since the invites went out I have been blanked you would think I was doing something horrible not inviting their kids to a birthday party. I will speak to the teacher but I can hardly say this other mum is being horrible to me!

OP posts:

Fairynufff · 01/04/2009 17:57

I never quite understand why parents of 5year olds break their neck to "make a fuss" of the birthday boy and invite the whole class...the party usually means: little kids running around, getting hyped up, getting sweaty, some cry and bored parents then take them home. The most they ever think about it again is picking over the tacky 'party bag' in the car on the way home. By year 3 most parents have got over it and don't bother...

Give him a kick-ass party when he's 18 and he'll remember it for the rest of his life

Rangirl · 01/04/2009 17:59

I think that realistically it's a bit early,in my experience if you ask say 15, 3 will call straight off,6 over the next 2 /3 weeks 3 on the day and 3 will not reply,1 of them will turn up anyway.Rude yes,but par for the course.DS's invites have been out for 2 weeks,about 40% have replied Again generally speaking in my experience people wh defo can't come lt you know straight away.

Original poster

katedan · 01/04/2009 18:00

I wish I had never thought of the party idea, DS was upset when I said no last year and had remebered that I said he could have a party in yr1. If I could turn back the clock I would have made up an excuse and just had a trip out with the family. I agree it is daft at this age but I wanted DS to be happy and now we are all miserable!!!

OP posts:

piratecat · 01/04/2009 18:08

yes but don't make too much of this in front of him, please.

If it were me, i would go to school tomorrow, and ask as many as i could what the answer was. If you get ten, thats fine, it is amazing how much space ten kids can take up, and how much noise they can create!!

Yet maybe, just maybe if there is an 'inner' circle, then alot you have invited will go to that. Try not to be down, get your smile on and just ask around.!

Tortington · 01/04/2009 18:14

i think YABU - mums are horrible. don't stress yourself - nod smile and fuck off sharpish after drop off.

make sure your kid is in plenty of afterschool activities, cubs etc - then he isn't reliant upon one place to get invitees.

Fairynufff · 01/04/2009 18:42

I would pay some attention to fact that the 'nasty' mum alluded to your son kicking other children. IME the kids who were known to be a bit aggressive usually had less kids come to their parties than others. At one particular party I remember, a year 2 lad who was once described by a supply teacher as a 'thug' had invited the whole class and my son was one of only four that turned up. The kid was too young to really take any notice but his parents looked gutted. Another lad (of a similar disposition - ended up being excluded in yr 2) had nobody who wanted to come to his lazerquest party. His mother had to cancel it.

Original poster

katedan · 01/04/2009 18:51

Beleive me Fairymuff I have taken on board her commets and although I am not daft enough to think DS has never argued with any child he has never been involved in kicking a child and I think by now (a year in) I would have heard if he had been fighting from other parents or teachers. He did hang around with the child who she said kicked her child in the balls and I think DS is a bit of a sheep to fit in so probably did not tell his "friend" to not do that but he is no thug and he does not deserve to not be liked.

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piscesmoon · 01/04/2009 18:57

I really feel for you. I should make a list of the DCs you invited and take it to school before and after and go up to the parents and ask, then tick or cross. You may find that you have more than you think-some people are just dreadful at replying. You will at least know. If you have too few -has he other activities that you could ask from or neighbours or cousins to make up the numbers?

kitbit · 01/04/2009 18:57

I would relocate ds, his party friends and the entertainer to a smaller venue, fill it with balloons and a fab buffet, invite the neighbours and have a glorious time. Cancel the hall. And ignore the hag at school.

But I would second the thoughts about speaking to the teacher to see if there's anything underneath Mrs Bitchy's comments.

Above all don't worry, it all comes out in the wash, and as long as you make a fuss of him he'll love his birthday celebrations no matter what. Also, don't forget, if she's being a cow to you she'll be known for it with the other mums. No-one will really take her seriously because they'll know what she's like.

piscesmoon · 01/04/2009 18:59

If he was hurting other children I think the school would have had you in to talk about it.

piscesmoon · 01/04/2009 19:01

If you have got too few, then cancelling the hall and having the entertainer at home would be a good option.

MotherofInvention · 01/04/2009 19:02

Oh that's heartbreaking about the cancelled party . Poor kid. Having said that, I think fairynufff (sorry, just read your nickname as Fairymuff luckily managing to correct myself! at funny mental image!) makes an excellent point. It might be worth finding out from the teachers if your son is being aggressive on a regular basis and if so, working on that to help him socially.

It's common for parents to project their own feelings about being at school onto their kids, so if you felt left out way back when, that might be one reason why you think people are blanking you now. I often don't RSVP until a few days before as I have no idea what we're doing or forget, or don't have the time or energy to chat with the other parents every day.

Try not to be defensive - that was just one silly cow whom you can ignore from now on - there might actually be some genuinely nice people among the rest of the mums. I'd just smile and ask if they can come, and hedge my bets on a good party for your LO.

FAQinglovely · 01/04/2009 19:02

ahh now if the invites went out on Monday just gone - you could find the "blanking" mums are actually avoiding you asking teh question (if their DC is coming) as they don't know,

I realised today I'd been "blanking" another mum, wasn't intentional - I just didn't want her to ask about her DS's party as I wasn't sure at that stage whether I'd be able to get my DS there or not.

Today she collared me and asked if he was going (I was still trying to make arrangementS) - I had to admit I didn't know yet

(however she did then offer to both pick DS1 up and drop him off home again afterwards).

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