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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To snap wait a minute at my Mum

56 replies

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 14:18

Whenever I visit my parents with my 8 month old DS I just never feel comfortable, mainly around my Mum. The second I walk through the door my Mum has her arms held out as if to demand "give him to me now", and it winds me up something chronic. I usually just turn away from her or don't make eye contact and ignore her.
Yesterday I went to visit with DS and I had his bag on my shoulder and him in the other arm and I bent down to set it onto the floor, she went to snatch him out of my hands and I just snapped and said "wait a minute will you". She remained quiet for a while and backed off a bit, I did give him to her after about 5 mins, so it's not like I don't want her to hold him.
It just pisses me off, I usually tell DS that I am going to hand him over such as "just go to * a minute while mummy does whatever", I think it is not only rude but disrespectful to just snatch him away. AIBU, I know I should relax a little but I just feel like she is competition all the time, there is other stuff too that pisses me off.

OP posts:

Stretch · 30/03/2009 14:41

jumpingbeans I think the OP has 1 child, your comment was directed at my post?? Sorry for confusion! I was the only one defending the op!!

jumpingbeans · 30/03/2009 14:48

Sorry strech, i'm all of a muddel this afternoon

Admania · 30/03/2009 14:49

I understand how you feel. My MIL did this with my DS - trying to take him out of my arms without saying anything to me and it wound me up too because you feel a bit accosted. Now, I say 'I will just take his coat off and get sat down and then you can have a cuddle with him'. She understands and I stay calm, try to remember she is just eager to see you all. Some people just need things to be very clearly laid out for them (I know it is hard to seem a bit bossy with your own mum).

PuppyMonkey · 30/03/2009 14:50

Wish I had a mum who did that.

shootfromthehip · 30/03/2009 14:56

All of our parents have their foibles as we will when we are grandparents (bearing in mind that some people do not have either or both parents, myself included). My Mum gushes when the kids arrive and then picks them up on all of their behaviour (they are 2 and nearly 5)! You should be glad that you have you Mum and try to back off behaviour that ultimately means very little so, IMO, YABU

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 16:47

Sorry I had to pop out but back now. As some of you have mentioned there is more to it, sorry to be vague in my OP but didn't want it turning into a novel. She does undermine and patronise me quite often when it comes to DS and I think I just feel a bit defensive sometimes.
Maybe with time like some of you have said I will relax and chill a bit, he is my first and I guess I am a bit precious with him. She does adore him and I have no problem with her showering her love all over him I just hate the snatching thing, I feel threatened but maybe that's because of her attitude towards me sometimes, I guess it's hard to explain unless you are in that situation. I guess I just needed a rant TBH.

OP posts:

random · 30/03/2009 16:54

My dd kinda shoves my
dgc in my door and runs off
I've always cuddled them as soon as I see them tho

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 17:37

Wigglesworth

Hi, I'd post this somewhere else if I were you, as there's obviously more to it and you'll get quite polarised views here.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 30/03/2009 17:41

My mum is the same, in fact I cease to exist when DS is there. She's got a lot better tho' after a few looks like this , I think she got the hint...

Why not tell her that you don't like it when she snatches him away.....

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 17:42

I think you are right screaming I maybe should have posted it in relationships. I always get flamed here, maybe it's because I am U though .

OP posts:

izyboy · 30/03/2009 17:55

Look rant away and I can fully appreciate that coupled with the undermining, it could be irritating.

However my mother is unable to look after my kids and the other DGP's are undemonstative, infact when asked to attend DS's birthday they refused because GF has a golfing tournament. So it could always be the other way for you. Hope you find a balance.

bubblagirl · 30/03/2009 17:59

to be honest my mum never needed permission and i always handed him over the second i got to door its a grand parents joy to take over

1- they think there doing you a favor and they usually are dead arms gfrom holding him all the time

2- there just over joyed at seeing grandchild and ar enot trying to do harm

i was the same with my niece come her you as soon as my sis turned up and she was the same with my ds

whatever resentment you have your mum shouldnt rub off on her relationship with her grandson and maybe you should enjoy that she wants to be active and loving

there are many threads where grandparent s dont help and dont pay attention to children

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 18:00

Wigglesworth Are you a UPFB (the worst kind IMO

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 18:05

Erm whats a UPFB?

OP posts:

MarlaSinger · 30/03/2009 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ledodgy · 30/03/2009 18:28

Whilst it would probably annoy me if someone else had done this I would not have minded my mum doing it. She is your mum and is probably being demonstrative and loving. Imagine how you'll be with your dc's children in the future. I would give anything to have been able to watch my mum sweeping up her 3 grandchildren. Get some perspective and remember she won't be around for ever.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 30/03/2009 18:36

My mil used to do this.

Wait until your dc is a little older, he will soon protest that he wants his mum and no-one else.

It used to make me smile (inwardly) when dcs would burst into tears after being grabbed by her

Now they are older, I'm generally happy for her to spend as much time as she likes with them and glad to say, she has a pretty good relationship with them (although I think ds is going through the anti kissing and cuddling stage with both sets of gps).

I also used to console myself with the thought that they were lucky to have 2 full sets of grandparents.

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 18:41

Unreasonable Perfect First Born

hedgiemum · 30/03/2009 18:46

It does sound a bit like YABU, but its clearly upsetting you, and if it continues to upset you (justifiably or not) that will be bad for the relationship between you, your mum and your DC. Can't you just say (half way though the next visit)
"Mum, I feel like you snatch DC from my arms as soon as you see him and that makes me feel.... Could you just wait a minute or two until I hand him over in future?"

As for her undermining you in other ways - if its that she gives you unwanted (and out of date) advice on parenting as many of us experience, then again, just be upfront and say "Mum, the best-practice advice has changed since I was a baby, and what you're telling me isn't accurate. I'm sure there will be lots of times in future when I need to ask you for some wisdom or advice, but this isn't one of them."

I had to have those kind of conversations a few times with a relative, and things did improve.

Grendle · 30/03/2009 18:50

YANBU

My mum used to do the same and ds used to turn away, cling to me and scream! She also used to run out of the house and fling open the car doors when we'd just arrived from out 3hr drive, shrieking hello at my sleeping kids and causing them to wake suddenly and start shreiking. She was just over-excited and didn't think that we all might need 5 minutes to adjust ourselves.

She eventually learned that she needed to take things a little bit slower and everyone was happy .

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 19:05

Screaming, no I'm not a first born I am the youngest (2nd born), but I am perfect .
Grendle, dear God she isn't that bad, she does sprint out to the car though as soon as I pull up too.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 19:12

Wigglesworth. PFB refers to a parent with an unreasonably overprotective etc attitude to their first and only child. PFB is popular term of abuse on MN

(I don't mean it though)

Original poster

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 19:23

Oh sorry, I did look at the acronym list but misunderstood what you meant. I am over protective with him were my Mum is concerned, I'm not like that with anyone else though so I don't think I am entirely the problem. I have spent months feeling guilty about how I feel about this and I have tried to relax and let it go but it is hard.
I guess I have ishoos, she can be quite critical, like when she is on the phone and DS is fussing or making noises she constantly asks "is he crying? Why what's wrong with him, is he ok?". Now that may sound like she is lovely and caring but the way she says it makes me feel like I am doing a shite job if he so much as cries. I took him round to their house when he was a few weeks old and he was really unsettled and crying (he had silent reflux and spent his first few months screaming). She said "wigglesworth, what have you done to him why is he crying so much", it made me feel pretty shitty TBH. My Dad told me what a nice Mum I was but she just backed it up with "yes well she has an easy baby doesn't she" .

OP posts:

Gentle · 30/03/2009 19:46

Wigglesworth, as with so many things it's not the action but the meaning behind it that's annoying you.

If Grandma grabs DS out of pure joy to see him and is delighted to see you too, and you feel that for yourself, that's great and it would be YABU.

If it feels like muscling in and elbowing you out of the way, then that feeling's there for a reason and it can't all be coming from you, so YANBU.

My MIL always grabs her grandchildren as fast as she can but says "Oh can I have a cuddle, I can't wait!" and beams as she does so. I love that. Others in my family... just want the baby for themselves NOW and lack the facility to discern whether that understandable and natural want should be allowed to run roughshod over whatever else is going on at the time.

screamingabdab · 30/03/2009 22:18

Wigglesworth Sorry, I have been out, and not much time to reply tonight as I have to go to bed soon. I got a bit flippant earlier on, but I hope you know that i did realise there was more to it than in your OP.

From what you say it does sound as if the way she shows her concern for your DC does not acknowledge your feelings, which is not fair on you. It occurs to me that she sounds quite an anxious person, and that when she's worried, it makes her just say the first thing on her mind, in quite a tactless way , without realising you might also be worried. (That thing in your last post:"Is he crying..etc) My Dad is a bit like this. She may not be intending to make you feel guilty, but it is thoughtless of her.

That thing you say in your last post about your DC being an easy baby sounds frankly a bit bitchy though, and would rile me too. Has she always been like this to you (unable to compliment you)?

I don't know if any of these ramblings are helpful.
Maybe post on Relationships? I will try and post again another time
x

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