To try and push DP to stay at his mums tonight on the basis of him being nearer to work, becasuse I need some headspace

[LEMAGAIN]

DPs jobs are running behind, he comes home like a bear with a sore head because of this - he has a two hour each way journey - if he were to stay at his mums he could reduce this to half an hour each way. IT makes SENSE for him to do this. His mum can do his dinner etc (she'd love it ) and i can TRY and sort out DDs bedtime routine. I am reducing my dose of ADs, i can't cope with his shit right now - i just can't (he is justified in it, he is stressed out but i just cannot deal with it).

I suggested it to him this AM, but i think i have upset him - i haven't told him that i really want him to stay away for a few days because i need some space, because he would be devestated and angry and react badly i think.

How can i persuade him that this is a good idea without saying, look, i need some fucking time to myself. We had a shit weekend, argued all day yesterday - i didnt actually WANT him to go to work today, because i felt so upset about the weekend. But he is at work now and i feel relaxed again

He says he will feel bad for not seeing DD. I said, see how it goes tonight, if i struggle with her then we'll scrap the idea (He usually does bedtime - badly!).

Knowing me, if he agrees i will end up being all self pitying and sad, but to be honest, i cant see what difference it makes - i will have to do dinner, which will be late - i will then have to walk on fucking eggs until he puts DD to bed. THEN he was fall asleep on her bed anyway and not come down - I will have to go and try and get him to either come down or go to bed, of coures he gets shitty with me cos he's knackered.

WHAT do i DO??

I'd be honest, tell him you need some time to yourself, to sort your head out. Tell him you know you're not taking good enough care of him at the moment (even if you don't totally believe it) and that you want to sort yourself out, and you need time and space to do that.

I don't know. The 'sensible' advice is to be honest with him, but I know how hard that can be to come straight out with something like that. But if you could find a way to say something like look, we're both stressed and tired and maybe we need a bit of time to ourselves to gather our thoughts. I love you and I hate arguing with you all the time. I want us to be happy and maybe some alone time might help us see how much we mean to each other...etc etc

We spoke about splitting up at the weekend, I DO NOT want that to happen. I adore my DP - i just hate where we are at right now - his business is driving us apart sadly. If i tell him i need space - isn't separation the next step??? Whereas if he is staying close to work for "practical" purposes - then i get my space - he doesn't feel pushed out and everyone's a winner!

i would suggest it on the basis it would make things easier and less tiring for him, than you needing headspace?

you have lots of ongoing issues, and i think the fact you are both knackered and depressed is not helping

what do you need headspace for?

sounds like if he is at home, you will only argue more

That is EXACTLY what i want to come from it hecate, but my DP will take it very personally and is the type to just say - well if you don't want me around, i guess thats it then. PLUS he is at explosion point i think with his stress.

you've been on the verge of splitting for a long time on and off

nothing seems to get resolved ever

you go round in these terrible vicious circles

why are you reducing your ADs?

but it sounds like you are both on thr brink

surely some time apart will let you both see what you really want

there is no point continuing a relationship that is making you both angry, sad and stressed

i know there are other factors, but from other threadss, you seem to be against each other, not a team

because im getting better sleb. Funny you should mention the vicious circles there sleb. I said exactly that to DP yesterday. Thing is, he underpriced yet another job, it is six weeks over due now and still nowhere near finished - no wonder he is stressed - but it isn't my fault!!! I've tried to advise him about scheduling tasks etc, even offered to draw him one up - not interested. I even DID draw him a schedule up for ANOTHER one of his jobs that went tits up - one for each of the workers - i found them in the bin

its not the relationship lulu - its the money. Im looking for a job but can;t find anything that will cover childcare costs, let alone make a dent in our debt.

this underpricing and going way over time is a constant theme of your DPs working life

i can't believe it is still going on

running 6 weeks over schedule..

he must only fit in 1/3 of the amount of jobs in a year he could be doing.

no point pricing competitively if you take 3 times as long to do anything

do you want to carry on living like this?

If not, then you have to bite the bullet. Sometimes that 'explosion' moment can, in the long term, be the saviour of your relationship. Sometimes it is better than something comes to a head than festers under the surface for ever.

Like a boil, really.

but the money issue is all consuming in your relationship

sounds like it would be better for DP to stop working, hvae DD and you get back to work full time

he is not bringing in a living wage, and has not been for some considerable time

tbh I think yabu
it's his house as well
you can't dictate to him that he stays away for a few days
if you need time alone then you need to arrange with him a weekend when you can go and see a friend or stay with your family
and he can look after dd
if he wants to coem home after a stressful day at work to see his dd is that really so bad?

compo - are you serious???

Sleb, that is actually a good suggestion, and one we are considering/in the process of making happen. Its so difficult - DD starts school in september. Which means that i can take on some temping work, until a) something more substantial comes along or b)i get onto graduate teacher program. It wont matter too much about covering childcare. but that doesn't help NOW does it. Taking on a temp job or one not paying very much doesn;t make sense because of childcare. But for me to get a "proper" job does - if that makes any sense - so im looking for that and maybe he can do with being a SAHD for a while. It wont be long then he can start concentrating on the business again.

To be totally honest, my MAIN reason for wanting him to stay with his mum is so that he can do his final push on this job and get it fucking finished. Less stress equals a happier DP and maybe we might actually have a weekend where we appreciate each other.

To be fair lulu, things have been MUCH better lately, but its just this bloody job over running. I don't want to split up, that is the last thing i want - we are not working as a team and i have to take some of the responsibility for that.

Anyway, will play it by ear - he is going to let me know - if he is coming home, i'll cook us a nice dinner and hopefully have a nice evening - he says a BJ might cheer him up [wayhay!!] and i owe him one (after last night )

I'm quite contrary - now he is thinking about it, guess what - i don't like it. Because im worried now that he might find life a lot simpler without me

LEMAGAIN (shushhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm sending you a HUG!!).

Is it worth telling him that you think it would be good if he stayed at his Mums a couple of nights so that he could put a few more hours into getting the job done and then you can 'get back to normal'. Then it doesn't seem like you don't want him home...

I think you'd be better to leave the meds alone for now, taking them for a little bit longer wont hurt and it doesn't sound like the right time for reducing them

I have read some of your other posts and I don't know what the answer is for you 'right now', but I hope the two of you can talk about it when you aren't too stressed and try to sort it out.

agree that now is not the time for reducing meds, you are not really on an even keel right now

is it time for relate?

this i want it my way/ now i don;t want it at all is frustrating for both of you

things cannot continue like this

it might not be the right thing for you and DP to stay together, however scary that might be, but from what you post, you seem to bring out the worst in each other and have lots of troughs, and few peaks, and little equilirium

i do think an awful lot of this is to do with the money/work situation. you have posted a lot in the past about cash flow and lack thereof, DP pricing jobs too low and then running over time

can you really see this changing?

can you work full time and he can do carpentry/woodwork etc in his spare time or when dd at nursery, as a bit extra money rather than the sole family income?

it seems that both of you struggle to deal with stress, DP adopting a head in the sand approach and you exploding about it

and you are not pulling together

obvisouly, i can only go on what i glean from the threads you have posted on here, and there is a lot more to your relationship than what you post on MN, but it seems that there are recurring negative themes in your relationship that aren't going away any time soon

DP does not have the luxury of doing a job he loves when it does not and has not and will not pay the bills

That's what this is about isn't it? Pushing him away because when he's there it isn't fulfilling so you hope you can get the fulfillment you desire by pushing him away and him resisting?? When he doesn't resist you are disappointed, if he does you are aware of how inadequate his presence is.

I'm guessing that's what this is. What do you reckon.

If I'm right it is a lose lose situation which needs a different approach.

er yes I was serious, I was nly going from the Op though don't know the history like slebmner

He is going to stay at his mum's tonight - i asked him if it was because of "us" and he was all - i told him to stay there after all, but it is going to save him £20 a day in petrol and help him finish his job - simple as that. It feels really odd that he wont be home tonight We have been apart for a week before - but that was very different circs and i was the one who was away - i cried every night!!

lulu - i do agree that the business situation is dire, he knows that as much as i do really. Some things have happened on this job that are out of his control, but even so, the price he gave left no room for manouvre - to be fair, we priced the job together. Thing is, we always say, right, thats it - giving it up, getting a job - it is always ME who says don't give up! Trouble is, the way things are, him getting a job isn't exactly a given. I am looking now for something substantial - it might do him good to be at home for a while, and me not to be. I am really sad that you think we can't move on from this - i honestly cannot see my life without him in it. Its just the money - everything is fine, but the money takes over everything - we just have to START singing from the same hymn sheet and i have alot to answer for to - i say im going to do things and don't do them, he has been very frustrated with me about this - he says he hasn't but it has, he has just expressed it badly.

He is my soulmate lulu - honestly, there is no other man for me - we have been together 17 years now, im not about to give up on us.. reading the posts telling me we have come to the end have made me so !!! Not with the postors, as from what i post here, i can understand you thinking that, but just that we have let it get this far, we do love each other very much.

I am taking a chance this week i suppose - maybe you could say im playing games, but i risk losing an awful lot. I don't ever imagine it would be better without him - i would just be broke, on benefits and miserable without him. He would be broke, probably living back with his mum, having to sell the house and miserable - this way at least we can be miserable together and try and find a way through it.

i am sorry if what you have read has made you angry, from your posts and your description of life together, you don;t sound like you are very much in love

i actually did not realise you had been together so long

the thing is LEM, if you are giving mixed messages i.e frustration and angst about his work and then telling him not to give up, what is he to think?

but the bottom line is, financially you cannot afford to continue like this, nor can you afford to emotionally

you need 3rd party help to deconstrcut things and rebuild them stronger than before

you are going round in vicious circles, always about the same issues, always stemming from your depression and the financial issues and his head in the sand attitude

these things take time and a lot of effort to change ,it is always easier to slip back into old comfortable ways, even if they are destructive

better the devl you know , and all that

I think your DH needs to speak to someone - accountant or bank manager about the business.

Are the bank not putting him under pressure regarding overdrafts/cashflow etc?

To be honest if he can't manage the financial side of it he'd be best to get out of it before he ends up losing the house.

Sorry to be so downbeat but saw it very nearly happen to a friend and her DH had kept her very much in the dark as to their financial situation and the gravity of it.

Regarding your relationship - money worries certainly are a killer and can totally take over. I'd work on sorting out the business and making some big decisions - he's not a failure if he calls it a day although i can understand he may feel like that.

Good luck!

Well, he is coming home TOMORROW!! I feel like there is a peice of my heart missing - and he misses me to. DD missed her daddy and sobbed for him tonight. I feel like sobbing too tbh. The plan was for him to stay until thursday but that aint gonna happen, he is hating being away and i am hating him being away - if ever i had any questions about us being in love, this has answered them.

honestly lulu, you have us all wrong - we are in love, very much so. We wouldnt have stuck together if we wasn't. No way! I don't believe in bailing out on someone just because of finances, especially when i am equally culpable. I have never really considered him leaving, that wasn't what this week was about - it was about me getting MY head together and destressing him by helping him get on top of things. YES, this particular job has gone tits up - but he has done really well on other projects. We just one step behind all the time - but it wont be forever. We WILL be happy again.

having of course just read my OP, i realise why you might think those things lulu - what a self pitying heap of shit!!! You see, this is what i do - and poor DP he just ends up negative because of it. Instead of whinging i should turn this bloody mumsnet off - and sort my fecking life out!