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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable by not giving the extended family my scan dates & pregnancy appointment news?

29 replies

Gentle · 28/03/2009 21:33

I'm in my 3rd pregnancy, have a daughter in primary school and also a late miscarriage a few years back.

I have quite an overbearing, fuzzy-boundary extended family who get very upset when they're not included in news of every antenatal appointment.

My 20 week scan is coming up and everyone's quizzing me about "when are we going to know the baby's sex then?"

Frankly, I am sick to death of talking about pregnancy, hearing pregnancy advice and stories about "Oh, I had something a bit like that."

I know for many people this constitutes caring behaviour, but it really gets my goat and I'm a big enough girl now to just tell everyone to let me give any news in my own time.

Am I being a grumpy old antisocial fart though?

OP posts:

Original poster

Gentle · 28/03/2009 21:35

By the way - Mumsnet would be the exception to being sick to death of the subject! I choose to come here and talk about these subjects. However I would like to cover other topics with people in my real life too!

OP posts:

poppy34 · 28/03/2009 21:35

god no - sympathies re late m/c yanbu . Its no one business but you/dp and your dc.

chegirl · 28/03/2009 21:54

YANBU

Its up to you what you tell and who.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a big family expecting to know every detail of my pregnancies . It must drive you bonkers.

It must be hard to stand up to these expectations? I wouldnt know because my family are v.different from yours . I hope you find a way though.

Mamii · 28/03/2009 21:57

Hang their expectations on this - if they want to think you're being grumpy about it (and you're not BTW, totally understand how annoying that is) Just agree and blame it on the hormones!

echt · 29/03/2009 07:06

YANBU, but don't complain if they catch your drift and don't express much of an interest in your baby.

georgimama · 29/03/2009 07:46

Am I being a grumpy old antisocial fart though?

Yup, but that's your prerogative.

Just lie about the 20 week scan, tell them it wasn't possible to see.

Although I have to say I don't understand people who choose not to tell their family the sex if they do find it out. It helps everyone to think of the baby (particularly other children) as a person if they know the gender.

roulade · 29/03/2009 08:06

It's hard to excited about pregnancy stuff when you've m/c'd in the past,especially a late one. I remember everyone at work expecting me to be all excited about my 20 wk scan when i was just worried sick ( 1st 2 pregnancies ended in m/c ).
YANBU just don't give them dates in advance then you can let them know things as and when you're ready.

Original poster

Gentle · 29/03/2009 11:43

I hadn't thought of people losing interest in the pregnancy/baby if I'm stand-offish.

It sounds bloody marvellous though

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 30/03/2009 01:05

Gentle - I can understand it would be a bit annoying, but honestly, people are only doing it because they love you/care about you and are excited.... in reality, if no-one gave a damn I'm sure you'd be upset.

Original poster

Gentle · 30/03/2009 08:52

Thanks, ChippingIn. Unfortunately "We only do it because we care" is the standard line used in my family to make me go "Oh dear, how horrible and paranoid I must be, yes please overrule my every wish and have everything your way instead." This is then followed by months of me being railroaded into drama and gossip before I have to extricate myself again for my own sanity.

As one example out of several million, when I had my first baby, I asked for no-one to visit for the first few hours (c-section). No such luck, they camped out in reception and made a massive emotional fuss until the staff politely suggested we let them in. I remember lying there in the recovery room all wired up with dead legs feeling utterly powerless while photos were taken of the baby I hadn't even held yet to be emailed around the family. I was all but ignored in the corner. I felt invaded and vulnerable. I still get tearful about that. When I challenged the family (very weakly) about it afterwards, I was met with "Ho ho now, you couldn't really expect us to wait until the afternoon for our visit now could you, don't be so selfish."

I know for some families "we only care about you" would be true, and it breaks my heart on a daily basis to say this, but mine isn't one of them and this is less about me being selfish and more about me trying to come to terms with things myself.

OP posts:

tessofthedurbervilles · 30/03/2009 09:48

God sorry, normally try to be positive, but it sounds like you are trapped in an overbearing rhino skinned family situation...have you thought of emigrating?!

TotalChaos · 30/03/2009 09:50

yanbu - one tactic I may have ahem used in the past with stressful appointments is to tell people it's a couple of days later than it really is - to give me time to process it and feel ready to chat about it.

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2009 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 13:54

Oh God gentle I had nightmares about my parents turning up at the hospital when giving birth when I was pregnant with DS. I was very clear and told them in no uncertain terms that them turning up would not be well recieved. They listened thankfully and said "don't be daft of course we wouldn't show up", although if I hadn't been blunt I wouldn't have put it past them. I can't believe they turned up like that during the birth of your first that is just awful . Just be very vague about details of appointments and like Stewie said lie about which hospital you are going to give birth in. Be firm with them for your own sanity.

Wigglesworth · 30/03/2009 13:56

by the way at the hospital staff for pressuring you into letting them in.

Habbibu · 30/03/2009 13:57

Oh Lord, no, esp. after a late miscarriage (so sorry for your loss, by the way). I'd keep quiet, tell them you're not finding out the sex, ensure that when you go into labour the only people who know are sworn to secrecy on pain of death. And make use of pregnancy weak bladder - go to the toilet every time a tricky question is asked.

And then Move House.

Original poster

Gentle · 30/03/2009 19:25

Thank you. Attempts have been already been made to organise the birth for me - I'll spare you the details!

Wigglesworth Me and my husband did get one smile out of the situation actually - when we realised that if the extremely busy and stern delivery ward staff couldn't say no to my family, what chance did a couple of softhearted types like us stand!

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2rebecca · 30/03/2009 19:33

I never told my parents details of my antenatal appointments. We wanted the baby's sex to be a surprise, but if you want to know and don't want to tell them just say it you want it to be a surprise.
We also kept details of the labour etc quiet and only told folk of the birth a few hours later when we had slept.

troutpout · 30/03/2009 19:35

yanbu

Simplysally · 30/03/2009 19:50

I'd move house!!

I do sympathise - my Mum held my daughter before I did (the mw handed her over when she was dressed without even asking me if I minded!) and the first pics are in my Mum's arms.

I'd be furious if anyone pressured me to find out the sex if I didn't want to know myself. To me, it's something you discover at the birth but I appreciate some people like to know in advance.

Give a false due date and lie about your ante-natal appts. You can always blame pg brain for making you absent-minded.

I'm sure that they mean well though, hard as it is to take .

onadietcokebreak · 30/03/2009 20:11

YANBU.

Who will be looking after your daughter when you go into labour? Could you arrange for a friend to have her so you dont need to ask family?

Original poster

Gentle · 30/03/2009 20:20

onadietcokebreak If only I knew. I know what I have been instructed to do from a couple of quarters - none of which have actually asked me if that would work for us yet. It's caused a lot of head-scratching and TBH I'm just hoping that I go into labour naturally and we have to figure something out in an emergency.

Like hiring a helicopter and popping over to Paris, for instance!

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Ineedmorechocolatenow · 30/03/2009 20:30

God, they sound a nightmare. Try and be as vague as possible about all arrangements.

I'm about your experience where they came into the recovery room after your first birth. Jeez.

YANBU at all!

Habbibu · 30/03/2009 20:33

Any friends nearby who could step into the breach, and collude with you that it was an emergency?

Original poster

Gentle · 30/03/2009 20:40

This has been really reassuring, everyone. I'm really grateful.

For years I believed the whole "This is what our family does because we love each other" and this bubble burst about 10 years ago (in my early 20s when I began to go off and, you know, have a life and grow some bollocks) - somehow, I began to see all the undercurrents of blame and co-dependancy, the manipulations, the drama triangles, and most of all the weird kind of twisted hatred and exclusion that was just bubbling under the surface to be directed at anyone who dared to say "But actually, I'm not enjoying this, can someone explain how this is love because I feel like crap ALL THE TIME."

Sorry to be here doing the woe-is-me bit, but I've been feeling really vulnerable lately and sometimes wish I had the kind of folks that I could ring and have a good cry and know that it wouldn't be dissected and given marks out of ten for coping skills.

It's at times like this when I doubt myself and think "Am I really being a miserable old selfish killjoy?" I'm aware that you only have my side of the story here, but whether you've said YANBU or some degree of YABU, thank you for helping me chew things over and get a bit of perspective. It has really helped.

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