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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest

30 replies

WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 22:37

a therapist for my good friend? Or is it an offensive thing to do? I know a good therapist.

My friend is knocking on 40. She's had a succession of relationships that have left her miserable because she thinks she prefers to choose unavailable men.

She's currently dating a married man and admits herself, it's a lose-lose situation long term.

Her life is very closely enmeshed with her parents - they even sort out her car tax and only in the last two years has she got her own washing machine meaning she doesn't trot back to her mum's to do the washing every two days.

Money is not an issue for my friend.

Shall I just keep my snout out?

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/03/2009 22:41

Depends what you mean by "suggesting". Does she talk about her relationships making her miserable? In which case you could start to talk about why and how to find the answer. But saying "FGS you need therapy" when she does something with her parents might result in a smack in the gob.

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 22:43

Well, her relationships make her very unhappy. She talks about them all the time and I feel like she's going round in circles.

Of course, I wouldn't say, "FGS, you need therapy," but I was wondering if even the gentle suggestion would be offensive.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 27/03/2009 22:45

I really think it depends on how you introduce it.

For example, do you know the therapist is good because you've used their services?

I wasn't really thinking you'd use the FGS sake approach. Tempting though it may be!

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 22:49

The FGS approach really is tempting sometimes when I feel like we have the same conversation over and over and nothing changes!

I have a friend who has used the therapist for relationship issues and is a lot happier although not yet in the throes of love she desires.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 22:53

oh lordy.hark at you.righty me mate you are a tit and i think you need therapy.gee thanks

people need the volition and the insight to recognise their personal difficulties and act upon them

not a "ah told ye so" friend

Curiousmama · 27/03/2009 22:58

Depends how close you are. I told a friend she had to see a GP in the hope of getting to see a psychologist but her problems were more than just men. She's my closest friend though and I knew I could say it. I went with her to the GP and will go to the psychologist though she'll go into the appointment alone.
If your friend's only real problem is men then maybe she doesn't need a therapist?

Do you get anything from being her friend? Or is it getting monotonous? Does she just talk about her own problems or is she emphatic?

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:00

"oh lordy.hark at you.righty me mate you are a tit and i think you need therapy"

What are you on about, ScottishMummy?

I'm only trying to find ways to help a friend who is clearly in distress.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:08

telling her she needs a therapist- does that met your issues or hers.are you concerned for her mental health or disproving of her life choices?

bedding a bad man does not equate one needs a therapist and is not indicative of deteriorating mental health

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:09

I wasn't going to tell her that she needs a therapist.

I was going to suggest it as one route she might consider as a way of changing behaviours that have apparently, according to her, made her unhappy since she was 17 years old.

Therapists aren't just for those who have deteriorating mental health!

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 27/03/2009 23:11

CBT may help her? But really I suppose it's her choice. You could always try and somehow tactfully mention it if you think she really needs it? You need to want to change yourself though.

ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:13

reputable therapist dont accept 3rd party referrals,she needs to have the volition ad ability to participate

with best will in world your exasperated indignation isn't enough

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:15

Who said anything about 3rd party referrals?

I would never show her exasperated indignation. She's my friend!

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:17

CBT requires the client to work hard upon attitudinal beliefs and do preparatory work for sessions

all therapy needs engagement,volition and insight from client and not just friends and family

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:17

And?

Might she not like the idea and have the volition herself?

OP posts:
Doodle2U · 27/03/2009 23:18

Could you phrase it like this...
"Hey, you know what? I've been thinking about you and what you said about going for unavailable men. It's like a behaviour pattern, isn't it? You know what you could try, therapy. I know Such-A-Body....shall I ask him/her if he'll/she'll have a chat to you?"

Kinda lead her up to it, IYSWIM.

solidgoldbrass · 27/03/2009 23:20

I think mentioning the possibility of therapy to her isn't necessarily officious, especially if she asks you what she should do or says 'i just don't know what to do' a lot. But keep it in vague terms ie 'have you ever considered counselling, [whoever] did and it really helped him/her' or 'You know, maybe a professional could help you sort this out'

ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:20

WW your OP post smacks off 3rd party indignation

peppered with morally judgemental phrases
knocking on 40.
succession of relationships

nicedo you say this to her face

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:23

Wow, ScottishMummy.

Let me explain.

She's nearly 40. She's worried about this and her prospects of motherhood. She often uses the phrase, "I'm knocking on a bit after all,"

It is a common phrase and not really offensive IMO.

She tends to talk about the number of relationships she has had where they all seem to have been with the same kind of man, been conducted in the same way and ended in the same way. Leaving her unhappy.

This is what she tells me. Not what I say to her.

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:24

the therapeutic relationship needs a willingness,a volition to participate in therapy.concerned others isn't enough

Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:24

I know AIBU is a place where you can get flamed and I did ask for opinions but I am finding your responses a little strange, ScottishMummy.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinkyWinkola · 27/03/2009 23:25

And?

Might she not like the idea and have the volition herself?

OP posts:
ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:33

look,bottom line is you are speculating about someone else need for therapy

the only person who can initiate and sustain therapy is a person mentally engaged and able to participate because they able and ready to do so

Curiousmama · 27/03/2009 23:40

I'm afraid this often happens on AIBU threads WinkyWinkola and I think SM thinks you should keep your snout out like you asked?
I wouldn't like to say either way really as I know many of my friends have been helped by CBT and such like but you're the one who knows how unhappy your friend really is. It can be very frustrating seeing a good friend follow patterns like this. One of mine does it over and over but there's nothing I can do.

ScottishMummy · 27/03/2009 23:46

this is a query as to OP motives and friend individual wishes needs

just because a set if behaviour irks OP doesn't mean friend needs therapy

i would assert maybe the issue here is WW strong reaction to her friend behaviour

Knickers0nMaHead · 27/03/2009 23:49

Someone told me I needed to see a theripst. I nearly twated them.

Honestly,she probably knows it herself but you saying that she needs to see one wont mean she will.