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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be blooming annoyed at what parents are saying???

39 replies

muffins · 26/03/2009 20:38

This is gonna be a long one...
Some people may remember I posted here previously as I was finding it difficult living with my parents, giving my parents quite a lot of money every month and unable to live on my own financially, mum telling me how to bring up my son who also lives in same house. Had tried renting previously but down here on south coast just too expensive and couldn't get council place and ended up back home.
So about a month ago I applied for a job in Yorkshire, really gd job, cheap to live up there. Went for interview Tues and found out yesterday got the job. Hadn't told parents about it til today as my mum's reaction would have been crappy, which she even admitted this evening she would have told me I'd be wasting my time going.
I'm not starting til Sept and after telling parents this evening they are telling me it is all mine and DS fault that they bought the house we are in (they recently moved to cheaper area last July) Apparently because of us they have a house which is too expensive to heat etc etc when if we hadn't been living with them they would have just bought the property they wanted! I never said anything to influence their house choice, or what they should buy or anything. AIBU to think this is a bit harsh? They are also annoyed I hadn't told them about it til today, but I didn't see the point in rocking the boat if I didn't even get the job, was that stupid?
Feeling very and and
AIBU?!

OP posts:
doobry · 26/03/2009 20:40

YANBU did they seriously expect you to stay with them forever. Cut them some slack though, they're obviously going to miss you and their GC.

Litchick · 26/03/2009 20:42

YANBU but they are lashing out because they're sad. It will come good.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 26/03/2009 20:42

Well done on getting the job !!!!

They are trying to steal your wind - they are arseholes.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Focus on you, you deserve it

Litchick · 26/03/2009 20:43

By the way, where in Yorkshire.
I'm from that neck of the woods

PinkBubblesGoApe · 26/03/2009 20:43

YANBU, I would expect a bit of support from them instead, after all, parents are supposed to help their Dcs to "fly the nest" and be independant. But perhaps they are actually a bit upset about "losing" you and your DS and don't really know how to express this?

whyme2 · 26/03/2009 20:46

I think they must have considered you and your dc when they bought their house even if you weren't consulted. However you have to be able to make your own decisions in the end without wny kind of guilt trip being put on you.
Congrats on the job - hopefully it will be a good thing. It does sound like you need some independence. Hope your move goes well.

Original poster
muffins · 26/03/2009 20:47

I'm really not sure they are upset about 'losing' us. My mum moans like buggery about the inconvenience of having us here and now she's getting rid of us she's still moaning. Part of me thinks she's more worried about their money situation. They had own business but retired couple years ago due to ill health (my dad is transplant pt). My mum won't get herself a part-time job though. She's only 56, perfect health.
Why do I always end up feeling guilty, I don't know if I'm being really selfish or what

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 26/03/2009 20:48

YANBU
Congratulations on the job

They should be really pleased for you
They can`t blame you for buying that house its all about emotional blackmail

Original poster
muffins · 26/03/2009 20:49

Litchick where bouts in Yorkshire-I'm headed for Wakefield direction

OP posts:
Niftyblue · 26/03/2009 20:50

They are playing on you feeling guilty
please don`t

You are not being selfish

You are not responsible for them

TheCrackFox · 26/03/2009 20:50

YANBU.

The technical term for what your parents are doing is called "pissing on your parade". Well done on your new job and moving forward with your life.

lauren61 · 26/03/2009 20:50

some people are just akward and cant help but moan about everything, maybe theyre just like that.. maybe they just get some sort of pleasure from making you feel guilty.. they shud be happy for you gettin the job and gettin on your own two feet.. go for it hun

MmeLindt · 26/03/2009 20:52

Congratulations on getting the job.

I have not read your previous thread but it sounds like your parents are quite controlling. Why would she tell you not apply for the job?

The decision to buy the house was theirs and it is unfair of them to put pressure on you about that.

Original poster
muffins · 26/03/2009 20:53

I asked my mum if I could give her less rent for the next 5 months til job starts too, and she was peed off bout that too, need it to save up for a deposit! She has agreed that of the £450 I give her she'll put £200 aside for me each month
I'm not hugely responsible when it comes to money in the past but I really want this job and want to make it work for me and DS and I'm going to bloody save for it and make it work dammit!

OP posts:
violethill · 26/03/2009 20:54

YANBU.

I agree that this is a good thing though - you are getting your independence back. Try to look at it as having been a stressful time for everyone. It can't have been easy for them having to share their house, any more than it was easy for you. So they are probably left with mixed emotions - worry about whether it will work out and how much they'll miss you, but also relief that you've found your independence.

Focus on the future.

Original poster
muffins · 26/03/2009 20:54

I'm glad I'm not being too unreasonable

OP posts:
violethill · 26/03/2009 20:56

Well YABU to be sniffy about her putting aside £200 a month for you!! For goodness sake, 450 is a VERY reasonable rent each month... if you didn't have your parents to help out you'd be paying a lot more probably and have no chance of a five month reduction!!

Niftyblue · 26/03/2009 21:01

Why is your mum going to be putting the 200.00 of what you pay away for you
why can`t you do that yourself and just pay her 250.00?

Liskey · 26/03/2009 21:03

Well done for getting the job. Ignore your parents you need to do this for you and your son.

I'm from the South too originally and live in Barnsley now and DILs live in Wakefield - it is possible for us southners to live up north

Original poster
muffins · 26/03/2009 21:05

Niftyblue that's what I said. Apparently she wants to 'be sure that if I don't end up going for job she hasn't been short-changed on rent'. And that really is a quote.
What's Barnsley like Liskey seems quite cheap there

OP posts:
Litchick · 26/03/2009 21:07

Ooh I'm from a mining town outside of Wakey.
You are going to find it much cheaper to live up there and the people very direct or friendly depending on how you look at it .
The very best of luck to you.

Liskey · 26/03/2009 21:12

I prefer Barnsley to Wakefield - there's some really nice areas round here Silkstone, Cawthorne are lovely but a bit expensive -Darton is nice and is reasonable (can tell where i live). If you need advice re areas my FIL is an estate agent in Barnsley and he's very knowledgeable about the area as he's worked here for years so I could find out about areas?

Sterotypical but true people are really friendly round here.

Niftyblue · 26/03/2009 21:14

They are treating you like a child
Very controlling

You were more than capable to go for the job,
to get the job and decide to move away where you will stand on your own two feet ,bring up your DS meet new people and get from under their thumb and negative comments and ways etc etc

Sounds like its going to do you the world of good just putting some distance between you and them physically and emotionally

All the very best

Original poster
muffins · 26/03/2009 21:15

Liskey that would be great if you could find out about areas, thank you. I'm completely clueless about it. Working at Pinderfields, Dewsbury and Pontefract hospital but nursery at Pinderfields so need to be closish to there. It's really difficult knowing what are 'ok' areas when you don't know the place.

OP posts:
Liskey · 26/03/2009 21:23

Are you working at 3 hospital sites?

Sounds like your might need to be a bit closer to Wakefield. Barnsley to Wakefield is about a 15 min drive. Barnsley to Pontefract I'd guess is about 25 mins - but there is a local mumsnet group whom you could ask as well?

Some of the old mining towns have nice areas - some bits of Castleford and XScape is good for children.